I sent this out during the 'problems' earlier and don't know if it made
it to everyone, so I figured I'd send it out just in case.
(Weird minds think alike, Jed)
Jed Bidwell wrote:
Here's a weird idea for a fanfic:
The cast of Ranma 1/2 on Jerry Springer.
Ok, maybe that's NOT so weird....
Sorry for the spam, guys!
Maybe not as weird as you think. During the whole "Jerry Springer Faked
Fights" controversy back in May-June I thought of doing something like
that. I only got it partly written. Here is the rough result:
[Ranma][Fanfic] Jerry Springer Show - "Cross-dressing Hermaphrodites and
the Men and Women who Love Them"
=======================================================================
Jerry Springer Show - "Cross-dressing Hermaphrodites and the Men and
Women
who Love Them"
Ranma 1/2 characters and situations created by Rumiko Takahashi, used
without permission
Ranma 1/2 Copyright by Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakan Inc., Kitty, Fuji, Viz
Communications, etc...
Jerry Springer Show created by Jerry Springer and other Hollywood types,
used without permission
Jerry Springer created by his parents, used up
Jerry Springer Show - "Cross-dressing Hermaphrodites and the Men and
Women
who Love Them" story created, written, and Copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar
=======================================================================
[Transcript of Jerry Springer Show Number 666, First Aired November 23rd,
1998]
[OPENING]
JERRY: [Standing in front of audience.] Today we have several people who
are both male and female. This has caused them some problems with
relationships. They have various male and female admirers, in fact one of
our hermaphrodites actually has gotten itself engaged to several women.
BOY-RANMA: [OFF-STAGE] I'm a guy! Not a 'IT'.
JERRY: [Ignoring the interruption.] Some of them have accepted their
dual
genders, but some choose to fight it. Now let's bring out our first
hermaphrodite. It's name is Ranma Saotome. [Gestures to doorway.]
[BOY-RANMA enters, looking nervous and ashamed to be here.]
JERRY: [Standing in audience.] Now, Ranma, you don't look like half a
girl. You look male to me.
BOY-RANMA: That's because I am a guy!
JERRY: Fine then, but why are you here then?
BOY-RANMA: Good question. [He gets up to leave.]
[Several big, stupid looking, bald guys run up and pull Ranma back to his
chair.]
TOUGHDUDE#1: [Whispering.] You signed a contract, so shut up and follow
the
script.
BOY-RANMA: [Muttering.] Last time I sign anything that Nabiki hands me.
Who knew she owned half of the production company who makes the Jerry
Springer Show?
JERRY: Let me help our audience understand.
[JERRY walks closer to Ranma and pulls out a gun and shoots BOY-RANMA
right
in the chest. The audience screams in panic, until they realize that it's
a
water pistol. Then they gasp in astonishment as they see BOY-RANMA
transform into GIRL-RANMA.]
GIRL-RANMA: Whatcha do that for?!
JERRY: Ratings mostly.
GIRL-RANMA: Jackass.
JERRY: Such language from such a pretty girl.
GIRL-RANMA: I'm a guy.
JERRY: You're a hermaphrodite, live with it.
GIRL-RAMNA: You live with it!
JERRY: Now you said you were a male, right?
GIRL-RANMA: Yes and I still am! This curse I got just changes my body,
not
who I am.
JERRY: Very well. Now then, how has this affected your life?
GIRL-RANMA: It hasn't, I'm still the same guy I've always been.
JERRY: You used to have guys chasing after you before you got cursed?
GIRL-RANMA: Well�no.
JERRY: Let me bring out our next guest. His name is Tatewaki Kuno.
[GIRL-RANMA shutters as KUNO walks in carrying a bundle of roses. He
tries
to give them to GIRL-RANMA, but she shoves them back in his face and
spits
on him.]
GIRL-RANMA: Leave me alone, you jerk!
KUNO: Oh, but I can't. My heart longs for you and to slip my loving
tongue
into your deep recesses.
[Several audience members throw up.]
[KUNO sits down next to GIRL-RANMA who slides away from him.]
JERRY: Tatewaki, you love Ranma here, correct?
KUNO: Please...call me Blue Thunder, or Kuno if you must.
JERRY: Okay, KUNO, you love Ranma here, correct?
KUNO: That I do! My heart pounds to be with her and my lovely Akane
Tendo.
[More retching sounds from audience.]
JERRY: We'll get to Akane Tendo in a little bit. You do realize that
Ranma
is a guy, or at least claims to be?
GIRL-RANMA: [Yells.] I am a guy!
KUNO: It is but a spell placed on my pig-tailed goddess by the sorcerer
Saotome.
[Snickers are heard from the audience.]
JERRY: Okay, so you deny that Ranma here is not the same Ranma who is a
boy?
KUNO: Yes, that is so.
[An audience member get Jerry's attention by jumping up and down and
letting her breasts bounce. Jerry homes in on her and puts the microphone
to her mouth.]
WOMAN#1: You got to give up on this freak�
GIRL-RANMA: [Shouting.] HEY!!!
WOMAN#1: �and marry that normal girl, Akane.
GIRL-RANMA: No way! He can't do that!
JERRY: And why is that Ranma?
GIRL-RANMA: [Awkwardly.] Well�she's sort of my fiancee�
JERRY: One of three fiancees isn't she?
[There is an outbreak of booing and hissing from the audience members.]
MAN#1: [Standing up.] Womanizer!
GIRL-RANMA: Shut up, Ryoga!
JERRY: Well?
GIRL-RANMA: Well sort of�but I never asked for any of them.
JERRY: Let's bring Akane Tendo out now. [He motions at the door.]
[Akane comes out, looking angry and carrying a hot kettle. She sits down
on
GIRL-RANMA'S other side, after kicking Kuno when he got up to glomp her.
She pours the hot water of GIRL-RANMA, who turns back into BOY-RANMA. The
audience members all murmur in surprise again.]
JERRY: Now, Akane, you are engaged to Ranma here?
AKANE: Sort of�it was our parents idea.
JERRY: So you don't want to marry her, Akane?
BOY-RANMA: I�m a guy!
AKANE: Well�
KUNO: No she doesn't! She wishes to date with me!
JERRY: Kuno, I thought you wanted the 'pig-tailed girl'.
KUNO: Yes, but who am I to deprive Akane of my company as well?
[The audience boos and hisses.]
WOMAN#2: Womanizer!
KUNO: Quiet you heathens! Or I shall smite thee!
[Kuno pulls out a sword and advances on the audience. He is tackled by
the
big stupid ugly guys and dragged back to his seat and scolded with a
finger. Remembering the script, Kuno sat quietly until his next cue.]
JERRY: Ranma, how does it feel to be loved by both a boy and a girl?
AKANE: Who said I loved him?
BOY-RANMA: I hate it! I never asked for this curse, or the fiancees!
JERRY: Don't you like any of your fiancees?
BOY-RANMA: No. [He glances at AKANE.]
[There are murmurs from the audience.]
JERRY: What do you think audience? Do you think Ranma here likes Akane?
MOST AUNDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!
WOMAN#3: Just marry that fine gal already!
BOY-RANMA: Shut up Pop! [BOY-RANMA throws a potted plant at the woman,
who
runs out after her wig is knocked off.]
JERRY: Okay...now you are also engaged to Mr. Kuno's sisters here.
[The audience members all boo and hiss.]
BOY-RANMA: [Yelling.] She's not a fiancee! She's a crazy f<<BEEP>>ing
bi<<BEEP>>h!!!
JERRY: I believe the politically correct term would be 'mentally
imbalanced naughty female dog'.
BOY-RANMA: I Like my term better.
[The audience seems to agree.]
JERRY: Well, let's bring out Kodachi Kuno. [He raises his hand towards
the
door.]
[KODACHI comes in, dressed in a green leotard. She tries to pull KUNO out
of his chair, but he stands his ground�or sits his chair.]
JERRY: Thank you for dressing up, Ms. Kuno.
[Kodachi then whips out a ribbon out of her green leotard, a blue dot
covering her lower body as she does it, to hide the exposure of her
hiding
place from the viewing public. More retching sounds form the audience.
She
whips the ribbon at Akane's head. BOY-RANMA intercepts the ribbon and
yanks
it away from KODACHI. The big muscle-bound morons didn't even register
the
attack before BOY-RANMA disarmed her.]
JERRY: Now then, you love Ranma?
KODACHI: Yes, I love my darling Ranma!
JERRY: Even though he is half girl?
KODACHI: That other girl is not my Ranma!
JERRY: [Using squirt gun on BOY-RANMA again.] He looks like a girl to
me.
GIRL-RANMA: Cut that out!!!
KODACHI: It's some spell that awful girl has on my darling Ranma!
GIRL-RANMA: The insanity runs in the family.
JERRY: I see that.
AKANE: [Leaning over to BOY-RANMA and whispering.] Thank you.
JERRY: Akane, you seemed glad that Ranma helped you there. I though you
didn't like him?
AKANE: Well, I never said I didn't LIKE him�it's just�I'm just grateful
he
stopped the ribbon.
JERRY: So you consider him a man?
AKANE: Yes, of course.
JERRY: But he has breasts.
MAN#2: [Standing up and shouting.] And real big bouncy ones too!!!!
JERRY: Get that animator out of the audience!!!
[More big stupid looking bald guys pull the man out of the audience.]
AKANE: Well, ya but only half the time.
JERRY: Doesn't it make you angry that your fiancee has bigger breasts
than
you?
GIRL-RANMA: Oh, oh�
[AKANE jumps to her feet, a hammer appearing her hands. She runs over and
mallets JERRY into the studio floor.]
JERRY: [From within floor.] We'll be right back. [Passes out.]
[COMMERCIALS]
[As the commercials end, a slow motion replay shows Akane's malleting of
Jerry. Before the mallet appeared in her hand, a fast little pig is seem
running into the studio and handing the mallet to her, then zooming out
again. Then Akane malleted Jerry into the floor.]
<work in progress>
ANNOUNCER: [VOICE ONLY] On the next Jerry Springer Show: Farm animals
and
the women they love.
[END]
=======================================================================
Email me at: mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net with comments, criticisms,
or
if you want to join my pre-reader list.
http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
Any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Well Jerry Springer
isn't
my fault, he's just botched naturally.
Revision 0.0 - Random writing (nothing better to do) - June 1, 1998
Revision 0.1 - FFML Post (not complete) - November 6, 1998
If someone wants to finish it, let me know and I may be inclided to turn
this over. WIth CMD and GofEVA, I only have a small time for other
projects
and this doesn't interest me enough to do more work on.
--
Jim Lazar
E-Mail - mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net
Home - http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar
FanFiction - http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
-=-
Later, Kasumi found her father cradling her mother in his arms. He
had run out of tears to shed long ago, but the expression on his face
told the story. Kasumi calmly slid the door closed and knelt down
facing her father and mother. Tears flowed from her eyes, but she just
waited until her father spoke.
After several minutes of silence, Soun asked with a scratchy
voice, "Kasumi dear. Will you please say goodbye to your mother and
then go get Mr. Saotome?" He didn't look up at his daughter once.
"Of course, Father," Kasumi said. She stood up, took one of her
mother's hands in her's, and said a soft, "Goodbye, Mother. I'll keep
my promise."
Ranma-ototo: Please Save My Family - Part 2
3rd place, Aug 1998 Mini-Series, Best of Ranma Fanfiction Awards