From: "Jane" <jcrockfo@gladstone.uoregon.edu>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanifc][Draft]
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 20:50:27 -0800

Your Fault

By Jane Crockford

This story involves characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.  I am not
her, nor do I claim to be.  This is just a simple excursion into story
writing.

Well-executed, interesting, and darkly amusing.  All in all, an 
enjoyable read.  A minor quibble or three:

"Well, it all started earlier that afternoon.  Akane was upset because
Ranma insulted her, yet again.  I went to seek him out to punish him
for such cruelty.  I challenged him to a duel, and started swinging at
him, but all he did was dance around me like the girl he really is.
Shampoo came in and the Womanizer started hanging all over her.   Then
he insulted the wondrous Akane yet again when she came in and scolded
him for it.

I don't know that "the wondrous Akane" quite works, here.  Sounds more 
like Kunou.  How about, "Then he insulted sweet Akane yet again..."?

"Thanks, Nabiki.  You can go for now."  She left quietly, and I was
alone with my thoughts again.  Things were starting to come together,
but I was still trying to find out what happened in the white cloud.
Which weapon sliced through the tree at the exact moment Kasumi walked
outside?  He only had one witness left to talk to, but I had heard
that she wasn't the brightest bulb in the barrel.  Could Shampoo
actually tell me something new.

This last line should end with a question mark.

"Ranma pick up Shampoo and throw into tree.  Shampoo stuck between two
branches.  Couldn't go away. Very dangerous.  Almost get killed when
glowing sword flew past.  Clipped Shampoo's whiskers."  She held up a
lock of hair to show that some had been cut off.

Wait.  "You could see things?"

"Of course.  Shampoo very high up.  All Shampoo see when look down is
white cloud.  From branch, Shampoo see lots of things fly by."

This is probably the biggest problem.  While Akane is now implicated as 
a possible suspect, she's not the only one.  "Shampoo see lots of things 
fly by."  Unless she actually says Akane cut the branch with the sword 
throw, we still don't know who did it.

I looked at the corner where the sword had landed, just inches away

>from a newly constructed shrine.  A picture of Kasumi smiling her

happy, accepting smile was prominently featured.  From where I sat,
Kasumi appeared to be smiling her forgiveness to her baby sister.  I
smiled faintly and hoped for the best.  It was Kasumi's way.

Nice ending, and I like the idea, but you should plug that hole up.

--Freemage

(BTW, I went to your page and read "Ryouga's Promise".  Also an 
excellent fic.

First Ryouga's Promise, now this.  I think now that all I can do is 

torture

my favorite characters.  Akane and Kasumi rank one and two for my love, 

so

this hurt me just as much as it hurt them.

Been there, done that.

--Freemage

Comments, Critisism, Praise, etc. are loved, longed for, and cherished
forever, so don't hesitate to send them in!  

jcrockfo@gladstone.uoregon.edu

To read my other stories head on over to my webpage:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/8075/fanfics.html

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