Transdimensional 3DV station WKRP needs ratings!

It's sweeps week! What sells? ANIME! What sells anime?

@$$ kicking sword fights!

Be afraid. Be very afraid..it's time for...

SLASHFEST '98!!!!

A Raven Malachite production.

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EPISODE ONE: rounding up the usual suspects; shouldn't it be, "swordsperson"?

(Setting: Dimension 1538673643867...lotsa numbers after that. This is infinity right? For simplicities' sake we'll call it "Nerima". A group of young people are involved in a heated battle in front of a small house in a quiet village.)

"DIE SAOTOME!"

"RANMA! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!"

"VILE CUR SATOME! RELEASE MY LOVES FROM YOUR VILE SORCERY OR I SHALL SLAY THEE!"

Apparently, this Ranma Saotome guy is NOT well loved.

In front of the house, three men stand in various combat poses before a muscular-looking fourth man, dressed in loose, odd-looking clothing. He shifts into a combat stance.

"Alright guys..let's get this over with..I'm in a hurry," growled the man. He, of course, was the "Ranma Saotome" everyone wanted to kill.

The first man, a strange fellow wearing loose robes of some sort, and incredibly thick glasses, leapt forward, screaming, "I will take Shampoo from you!" Apparently he needed some haircare products this Ranma had. He needed it, with all that hair. He let out a battle cry, weapons of varied and impossible types coming from seemingly nowhere, and rushed to attack Ranma...

Only to crash into a telephone pole and slump to the ground, unconscious.

The next attacker, a borad-shouldered youn man wearing a yellow bandanna and wielding an..umbrella? moved forawrd, only to be cut off by the third man, who wore a traditional kendo gi and skirt, and was waving a wooden sword threateningly. Lightning crashed behind this man as he spoke.

"I Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Funrinkan High, am pledged to battle with this evil sorceror. This does not concern you, peasant. Begone," the young man spoke dramatically.

"Hey bud, I don't care what you're problem is. I've seen hell because of Ranam. I vowed revenge against him long ago. Now get out of the way, before I have to hurt you." This man brought his umbrella to bear in an offensive stance, and swung at the Blue Thunder, who parried with a blazing but pointless series of attacks. Then the other man countered, and the two settled down for a long hard battle.

In the meantime, Ranma got bored, sighed, and wandered off fown the street, to the cries of, "Saotome will be mine, cur!" and, "Ranma is mine to kill! I, Ryouga Hibiki, will defeat

you for the right to kill him!" And so forth.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER....

"TAKE THAT! SHI SHI HADOKEN!" Ryouga, depressed that he may be missing his chance to slay his nemesis, launches a huge fireball at Kuno, who is sent flying towards his own mansion from the force of the blow. He lands, as usual, head first, bokken planted in the ground by him. He folds his arms in disgust, then notices two pairs of rather shiny, expensive patent leather dress shoes tapping away before him. He rights himself, then stands, thunder crashing around him. One of the men, with thick glasses and a nervous look to him, jumps and quivers nervously at this. The other, with long green hair and yellow eyes, sighs and smiles evilly at Kuno.

"Konnichiwa, Kuno-san. My name is Rav Malchi, and this is my associate, Poindexter J. Gizzlewhomp," The green-haired man says, handing a small buisness card to a dazed Kuno. The second man rubs his hand through a patch of frayed-looking blue hair and hands his over as well.

"We represent WKRP, the popular Transdimensional Threedeevee station. We come to offer a buisness proposition to you.."

Kuno snorts and tosses the cards to the ground. "I assume you are indeed flunkies of one Miss Nabiki Tendo, financial queen of Nerima. Only she would offer me any buisness. you may tell your mistress the Blue Thunder has no need for her extortions this day."

Rav smiles even wider and continues," I don't know who you're talking about..my boss is Ira Te..probably a lot worse than your Nabiki. Anyway. The deal is this. We want you to fight on behalf of your dimension in a contest to see who is the greatest swordsmen.."

"E-e-e..ever.." Dex stammers.

"For all time and space," Rav completes.

Kuno seems to stand twice as tall as before, and the thunderclouds gathering around him black out the sky for miles. "If it is a contest you wish me for, then I will enter! For none have ever bested the Blue Thunder, peerless with the sword, in any dimension! I have no fear I will alone be victorious..send me your stooges! One and all, the Blue Thunder shall vanquish! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

A large sweatdrop appears over Rav's head, and he sighs. The first one's nuts..how bad will the rest be? "Sure thing, Kuno-baby. You go vanquish em all! Just hop in the dimension-moblie here..(points to a delapidated old Gremlin automobile sitting on the curb), And we're off to victory!

Kuno looks at him for a monet oddly. "Are you SURE you aren't one of Nabiki's lackeys?"

Rav sighs again and walks towards the Dimensional Gremlin. This is gonna be a LONG day.

(The setting has changed. Now we are in front of yet another small house somewhere in a nation called Japan. The dimension, for clarity, is labeled "No need for a name" Once again, there is combat abounding when Rav and Dex step out of the Dimensional Gremlin.)

This time, two females were blasting each other with massive amounts of energy while a plain-looking young man sighed and frowned from the sidelines. he matched the picture they had been given exactly. But, best to check.

Tenchi looked up, curious, as two men approaced him. Both wore all black suits. Both wore shiny black shoes. And, both wore reflective shades, hiding their eyes. Tenchi stood up and bowed slightly. "You are..MIB agents again? I thought Ryoko was cleared of those charges?" The first man, with long greenish hair, shook his head. "We're not with the authorities of this planet. My name is Rav Malchi. I represent WKRP."

"You mean the transdimensional station Wasu picks up illegally for us? um..nevermind...did I say that?" Tenchi rubs the back of his head as both Rav and Dex sweat. Dex is the first to recover. "You see, Mr. Masaki, we would like you to star in a fighting tournament, to be broadcast in over 100 dimensions!"

"I don't know," Tenchi began. "What's in it for me?"

Rav grinned again. This was getting fun. "A week's vacation from your entire life, and all your troubles."

If Tenchi had figured out how to use the Gremlin, he almost would have left without them.

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(We skip to a day or two later, in a small room smewhere in time and space. A dozen or so men, and two women, sit or stand in various places around the room)

One of the men, in poewerful-looking armor and wearing twin katana, asked Rav, "OK, so when does this get off the ground? The sooner we're done this, the sooner I can get back to fighting Talpa." A blond in similar aror and carrying a massive sword of unknown make nodded vaguely, while staring at the two ladies, who were blushing prettily at him. He waved his hands through his hands and smiled. "I dunno Ryo, this could be fun. Look at the fringe benefits man..one for you, one for me...oof!" The last was as the one girl, a tall lady with long pale blue hair and matching armor, punched him in the stomach. "Hentai!" she yelled, flouncing off. Sage was too busy staring at her flouncing, um..hair to reply. Meanwhile, Dex was discussing the finer points of the battle with A group of spiky-haired men in one corner. One, with glowing blue eyes, lounged against the wall and yawned at every other word. "What I want to know is," The young man said, "Is what we get for winning? "Dex sweated. He and Rav hadn't thought of this yet. "Um...a really neat magical sword?"

Everyone in the room stared at him. "We already HAVE those," said Donovan, a tall man with a blade bigger than he was. "Got anything else?"

"Hentai trading cards of the Sailor Scouts? ARGH!" Dex screamed, as Umi, the young blue-haired lady from before, and Hikaru, her redhead comanion, each grabbed an ear and twisted. "Watch it next time buster," Hikaru growled, "Or it's something ELSE we twist."   

Dex sweated twice as hard..what to do? 'Um..a date with your favorite person, across all space and time, living or deceased?

"Ferio!" Hikaru shouted. Ferio sighed.

"Aeris! No Tifa! No Elena!" Cloud chirped. Decisions, decisions.

"Akane shall be mine!"

"Felicia....mrrrrrow!" Donovan grinned.

"Myself! Dick Saucer, the almost invincible! SAAAUUU-CER!" The so-named swordsman chimed in.

Rav sweated bigtime. This was gonna get ugly. Then he grinned. The ratings should soar!

<And thus the mighty are gathered..let the quest to determine the greatest swordsman...argk!>

  "Don't you mean 'swordsperson', narrator-kun?" Umiasks, stading over him with a mallet.

<Ahem! And thus the mighty are gathered..let the quest to determine the greatest swordsPERSON begin...>

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AUTHOR NOTES:

Got about 16 fighters lined up..but I need help! send me your choices guys! this list so

far is:

Techci (Tenchi Muyo)

Allen (Escaflowne)

Kuno (Ranma 1/2)

Umi (Rayearth)

Hikaru (Rayearth)

Lantis (Rayearth)

Cloud (FF7)

Donovan (Darkstalkers)

Juubei (Ninja Scroll)

Dick Saucer (Dragon Half..great comedic element!)

Parn (Record of Lodoss War)

Ryo (YST)

Sage (Yoroiden Samurai Troopers)

Eiji (Tonshinden)

Duke B. Rambert (Tonshinden)

D (Vampire Hunter D)

Ellis (Tonshinden)

send suggestions to ravenm@voicenet.com. Thanks!