[Breakfast time at the Tendo house. Nabiki and Ryouga are
eating with Ryouga's parents]
Nabiki: I have no idea where everyone went. There's not even a
note. I guess I'll call the Saotomes once we eat.
Ryouga: They probably went on a training trip.
Ken: Without telling anyone?
Akane: [from the doorway, flatly] Daddy is at the Saotomes.
Ranma and I went to China with Ukyou and Shinnosuke and
Hitomi. Kasumi is in America. [looks at Ken and Ryoko] I take
it these are Ryouga's parents?
Ryouga: Hi, Akane! [smiles at her] Yeah, this my dad, Ken
Hibiki and this is my mom, Ryoko Hibiki.
Akane: [flatly] Nice to meet you. I'm on my way to the
Saotomes. I'll tell Dad you're here. Best to do all the killings
at once.
Nabiki: ?
Ryouga: What?
[Akane leaves]
Ken: Is she always like this in the morning?
Nabiki: Usually not this bad. I guess her trip didn't go well.
Ryoko: Well, I hope she feels better when it's time for us to
meet your father.
Nabiki: I wish Kasumi was here. She knows how to draw Akane
out of a funk. [sighs]
Ryouga: She's probably cooking breakfast in America right now.
Nabiki: Not unless they slept really late. It's sometime in the
afternoon in Texas, I think. Yesterday afternoon. [shakes her
head] I can't believe you people aren't jetlagged.
Ken: Well, if you can shift time zones in seconds, you get used
to it.
***************
Furinkan Summer #12
"Will Akane kill Ryouga?
The Olsen Twins must die!"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
***************
[Akane arrives at the Saotome household just as Grandma
Tanuki is lecturing Ranma on proper breakfast etiquette.
Nodoka looks embarrassed, Soun is trying to look dignified,
Genma is starting to fall asleep, Grandpa Tanuki is eating
quietly, and Ranma looks very embarrassed.]
Akane: Bad morning.
Grandma Tanuki: That should be 'Good Morning'.
Akane: [coldly] Only if it is a good morning. This morning
stinks. [turns to her father] Daddy, time for you to stop
leeching off the Saotomes and come home before I drag you
home by your moustache.
Soun: ...
Ranma: ...
Nodoka: ...
Genma: [sagely] That would hurt.
Grandpa Tanuki: I'm very disappointed in you, Soun, keeping
such a vulgar mistress.
Soun: She is my DAUGHTER!
Grandma Tanuki: Then she should be polite and respectful.
Akane: [turns to Grandma Tanuki] Shut the hell up.
Grandma Tanuki: ...
Genma: Whoo! Sock it to her! [Nodoka puts a hand over his
mouth]
Ranma: Ummm...These are my grandparents, Akane. Um,
Grandpa, Grandma, this is my fiancee, Tendo Akane.
Grandma Tanuki: I'll burn in hell before I let you marry this
rude girl, grandson.
Akane: [grabs Soun] Come on. NOW. [turns to Grandma Tanuki]
I suggest you buy abestos underwear, then. [drags Soun off as
he protests in a futile way]
Grandma Tanuki: I will not stand for this!
Ranma: [gets up and runs after her] Akane!
Grandma Tanuki: Do you hear me? I will NOT tolerate this!
Grandpa Tanuki: This doesn't always happen at breakfast, does
it, Nodoka-chan?
Nodoka: I hope not.
**************
[Ranma catches up with Akane at the front door]
Ranma: That wasn't a good way to make a good impression on
my grandparents.
Akane: [flatly] The damn pig-boy and my damn sister are back.
It's time to settle this. [keeps walking, dragging Soun, who is
begging to be let go or at least to get an explanation] Shut UP,
Daddy. You have no right to talk.
Soun: I'm your FATHER!
Akane: You sure don't act like one.
Ranma: Are you sure we can't...
Akane: YES! I need to settle this now! [slams Soun into the
ground for emphasis. He yelps]
Ranma: My grandparents are gonna...
Akane: I couldn't give a flying... [takes a deep breath] I have to
settle this, Ranma. Now. Can't you understand this?
Ranma: You really, really offended Grandma, and from the
stories Dad tells, once you get on her bad list, it's virtually
impossible to get off it.
Akane: I'll bake Ryouga in a pie and feed him to her as a peace
offering. I have to do this now, before I simply start killing
people, Ranma.
Ranma: [nervously] Killing people?
Akane: It took all my willpower to not take a butcher knife
from the kitchen and castrate Ryouga.
Ranma: [steps back a step] ...
Soun: But...what did he do?
Akane: Don't act like you don't know, daddy. Everyone but me
goddamn knew.
Soun: Knew what?
Akane: AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! [raises Soun to crush him into the
ground, but Ranma stops her] I have to kill him! NOW!
Ranma: [shakes his head] Akane, until you calm down, this is
NOT a good idea.
Akane: I don't want to be calm!
Ranma: I can't let you kill your father. [pauses] Maybe if you
wanted to kill mine, but Mr. Tendo is not a bad guy.
Akane: He knew about how Ryouga crawled into my bed!
Soun: I just assumed you two were having a discreet fling
before your marriage to Ranma, the way he and Shampoo did.
Ranma: ...
Akane: YOU HAD A FLING WITH SHAMPOO?
Soun: [sounds mildly hysterical] And Ukyou, of course. I mean,
how could you have all these women after you and not take
advantage of it?
Ranma: [shouts at Soun] I DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM!
[takes a deep breath] Come on, Akane. You've gotta wait until
you calm down.
Akane: I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT! IF I WAIT, I'LL LOSE MY
CHANCE TO KILL RYOUGA IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS!
Soun: [hysterical] What, first you have an affair with him, then
kill him in front of his parents? Are you mad he dumped you for
Nabiki?
Ranma: I think it would be best you not try to talk your way out
of this, Mr. Tendo.
Akane: HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT!
[rips the front door off its hinges and swings it at Soun. Ranma
blocks it] LET ME AT HIM!
Ranma: [wrenches the door away, a little irritated] Akane, we
don't have the money to fix this.
Akane: YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU
WRECKED MY HOUSE THOSE TIMES! DAMN YOU, RANMA! YOU'RE ON
HIS SIDE!
Ranma: [more irritated] Because I won't let you murder your
father? Damn it, Akane, you're acting like a total psychopath!
Akane: Damn it, Ranma, you're acting like I'm the bad person!
I'm not the one who knew someone was sneaking into my bed
and didn't stop it! Like you did!
Ranma: [growls] I didn't have a choice! And it still doesn't
justify beating the hell out of your own father!
Akane: Fine! I'll just kill Ryouga instead! [takes off running]
Ranma: Great. Mr. Tendo, tell Mom about the door, okay?
Soun: [quietly] Okay.
*****************
[We see Ryouga and Nabiki and Ken and Ryoko in the Tendo
family living room, watching the morning news]
Newscaster: The reindeer eluded three F-16s sent to
investigate it, heading for the North Pole. The F-16s made a
final transmission, which has been classified and vanished.
Satellite pictures show no further sign of the reindeer. The
investigation continues.
Ken: Just like great-grandpa Taiki in the 1920s in the Arctic.
Nabiki: He vanished chasing a supersonic reindeer?
Ken: His plane vanished without a trace. The last transmission
was something about a castle. They never found a body or a
wreck.
Ryouga: When's Akane gonna get here?
Akane: [emerges from the kitchen with a bucket of water] I'm
right here. [tosses the water on him. He transforms into a pig]
Ken: ...
Ryoko: Well, that's new. Is this some teen fad?
Nabiki: Shit.
Ryouga: Bwee!
Akane: [pulls out a butcher knife and looks seriously disturbed]
Looks like I'm gonna have pork for lunch.
Nabiki: [springs to her feet] Akane!
[Akane begins chasing P-chan around the living room, laughing
maniacally as she does so]
Ken: That is our son, right?
Ryoko: You miss so much when they grow up. Do something,
dear.
Ken: [charges towards Akane, who casually backhands him with
the hand that doesn't hold the knife. He flies through the wall]
Ack!
Nabiki: [tries to keep out of Akane's way] You can't kill my
boyfriend!
Akane: I never knew you were into bestiality, Nabiki.
Nabiki: Dammit, he can't help it!
Akane: He COULD HAVE HELPED CRAWLING INTO MY BED!!!! [traps
Ryouga in the corner] YOU GODDAMN BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU
USE ME LIKE THAT! [waves her knife at him] TELL ME!
Nabiki: [walks somewhat closer] He can't even defend himself
as a pig, Akane. Are you going to just murder him?
Akane: Shut up! You're not my sister! You would have told me
if you were REALLY my sister! Damn you!
Nabiki: [coldly] I only found out when I tried to help YOU and
your boyfriend have a date in peace. By then it was too late to
do any good. He stopped doing it after that.
Akane: How can you date this BASTARD? WHEN YOU KNOW HOW
HE CRAWLED INTO MY BED AS A PIG!
Ryoko: So you slept with your pet pig? [makes a face]
Akane: I DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH MY PET PIG! I JUST LET HIM
SLEEP IN MY BED BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST AN ANIMAL!
[P-chan slips past her and leaps into Nabiki's arms, cowering
against her chest]
Ken: [comes back in through the hole] Put down the knife.
Akane: [turns and punts him through the roof into orbit] SHUT
UP! I NEED THIS KNIFE!
Nabiki: I'm not going to let you kill Ryouga!
Akane: The only reason I'm not gonna stab you is that you only
love him because of that goddamn potion! Your love isn't even
real!
Ryoko: Potion? Is this a witch house?
Nabiki: I suggest you run, Ryoko. Just in case.
Ryoko: I can't leave my son.
Akane: Your goddamn son is a lying bastard! Did you teach him
to be a lying, cheating bastard or did his father do that?
Ryoko: [frowns] My son is NOT a lying, cheating bastard.
Nabiki: [thinking] Where the hell is Ranma? I can't stop her if
she actually attacks Ryouga.
***************
[We see Ranma, who is brawling with Kunou in the street near
the Saotome house]
Ranma: Dammit, I don't have time for this!
Kunou: You heard the lady! She wished for you to die!
Ranma: [dodges a powerful swing and sweeps Kunou's feet,
leaping over him] I don't have time for this.
Kunou: [springs back to his feet and takes a blow at Ranma.
The wind from the blow knocks Ranma down]
Ranma: I admit I'm impressed. [springs to his feet] But I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS! [leaps at Kunou in a blur of attacks. He
pummels Kunou over and over, but takes a beating in the
process. Kunou collapses, but Ranma looks battered] Not bad.
He's been practicing. [sighs] At least I know the way to the
dojo really well.
*************
[Back at the dojo]
Nabiki: If you kill him, you're going to have to kill me. [holds
P-chan tightly to her chest] Won't you at least let him try to
defend himself?
Akane: Fine. [turns to Ryoko] Get some hot water.
Ryoko: [brings hot water] And?
Akane: Throw it on them.
[Nabiki and P-chan get drenched. He reverts to normal]
Ryouga: Akane! I'm sorry! I can explain!
Akane: You have five minutes. Then I'm turning you back into a
pig and feeding you to Ranma for dinner.
Ryouga: [gulps] I tried to stop...I just...I loved you, and I
couldn't stop myself...you'd smile at me, and hug me and...
Akane: [flatly] You're going to have to do better than that.
Ryouga: [crying] I tried to stop, but I was so desperate, I just
wanted someone to love me, I tried to not look at you naked, but
you wouldn't let me run and... [starts to babble]
Akane: Then why didn't you tell me?
Ryouga: I was afraid you'd hate me!
Akane: Too late. I will NEVER let you be my brother-in-law.
Nabiki: [frowns] Oh, you can marry thug-boy who levels our
house three times a day, who has no job, no future, and no
skills, but I can't marry the man I love?
Akane: You only love him because of #$#@#$@#$# love magic!
Your love is a LIE! Just like Ryouga is! He probably meant to use
it on ME!
Ryouga: No! I'd never try to make you love me with magic!
Akane: LIAR! [picks up the couch] You're nothing but a liar!
Just like my sister! She lies all the time to get money! You
two are PERFECT for each other!
Nabiki: [growls] If I didn't run my schemes, this family would
be BANKRUPT! I supply ninety-five percent of this family's
income! I've done it for four years! And I never made any of you
go hungry, even though you're all NOTHING BUT PARASITES!
Especially your WORTHLESS BUM OF A BOYFRIEND AND HIS
FATHER, THE THIEVING, LYING FATSO! [starts to advance on
Akane] Anything Ryouga might have done is NOTHING compared
to what those two morons have done to us! I had to spend the
college funds that Grandpa left us just to keep this house from
being riddled with holes! I had to play the stock market to
build up the funds that are going to pay for YOU to go to college!
[now shouting in Akane's face] I've done everything short of
prostitution so that you and your stupid boyfriend and his
girlfriends and his big fat father and your stupid would be
lovers and all the enemies all you $*#(*$@#$O#U$(# idiots
could lay waste to our home EVERY DAY FOR TWO YEARS and NOT
put us in the poorhouse! Damn you, Akane, what have you ever
done for this family except bring us trouble?
Akane: Hey, I have a right to live here! It's my house too! And I
never wanted the house to get wrecked!
Nabiki: BECAUSE YOU HAD YOUR HEAD TOO FAR UP YOUR ASS TO
ADMIT YOU LOVED RANMA, THIS DRAGGED OUT FOR TWO
#)*$(#*$(#*$(#!@%$#$ YEARS! [pauses for breath] This is ALL
your fault. You're irresponsible, you can't cook, you don't do
ANY chores because you're incompetent at all of them, you're
completely worthless! I respect Kasumi because she works
hard and she's given up her dreams for us! But all you do is
TAKE and you NEVER GIVE! AND IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA LISTEN
TO YOU WHINE ABOUT YOU SHOULD HAVE #*$&#($*#(* FIGURED
OUT YOURSELF, I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT!
Akane: You can't throw me out!
Nabiki: [flatly] If I stop paying the bills, this entire family
will be out in the gutter eating worms in two weeks. Except
for Kasumi, who I'll take with me to Vegas if she wants to go.
Akane: FINE! I'll go live with Ranma! [storms out the door]
Nabiki: [shouts after her] If you ever come back, I'll have the
police arrest you, you violent uncute bitch!!!
Ryoko: [quietly to Ryouga] This doesn't happen often, does it?
Ryouga: [to his mom] Not with them.
Nabiki: [plops down on the couch, which is now upside down
where Akane dropped it] Damn you, Akane. [begins to cry]
Damn you.
Ryouga: [goes to hug her] Don't cry, Nabiki.
Nabiki: [snaps at him] This is YOUR fault! Why the hell did you
keep crawling into her bed?
Ryouga: I just...I couldn't stop.
Nabiki: You sound like a goddamn drug addict!
Ryouga: [confused, and starting to get hysterical] I never asked
her to take me to bed with you! I mean with her! I mean...
Nabiki: Go find where your...oh dammit, I can't send you out or I
might not see you for weeks. [gets up] Let's go find your
father, and then I'm going to go chain you people up while I go
cry in peace.
Ryoko: [blinks] Chain us up?
Nabiki: [sourly] So you idiots don't get lost. Since you can't be
trusted to not get lost if you leave my sight.
Ryouga: Mom is not an idiot!
Nabiki: Fine. Whatever. I'm going to my room. Go find your dad
and end up in Hoboken. See if I care. [storms off]
Ryoko: Go to her, Ryouga.
Ryouga: But what if I...
Ryoko: When it's really important, you won't get lost.
Ryouga: What about the...
Ryoko: [flares up] GO TO HER BEFORE I KILL YOU MYSELF! [sighs]
I'll go find your father. [looks around] As long as he didn't get
lost in mid-air...
***********
[We see Ken Hibiki on the back of the supersonic reindeer,
cruising over a mountain range that might be the one that runs
the length of Honshu (the main island of Japan)]
Ken: Whoa! Whoa, Nellie!
[It keeps going]
Ken: Don't we get blankets on this flight?
****************
[We see Akane run up to the Saotome house just as Genma gets
tossed out a second story window. Ranma is perched on top of a
pile of luggage, while Nodoka sits on a chair, looking depressed.
Soun is pounding on the door.]
Soun: I dropped my handkerchief! I need it!
Akane: [catches Genma] What happened?
Ranma: [sighs] Grandma and Pop had a fight, then Grandma
excommunicated us.
Akane: Isn't this YOUR house?
Nodoka: Actually, my parents own it. I had to sell our old house
because my husband left me with no means of support. [glares
at Genma]
Genma: Hey, your parents said they'd take care of you! They
did, didn't they?
Nodoka: [blinks] What, you discussed it with them before you
left?
Genma: Hey, I would NOT leave my wife to starve. They swore
they'd take care of you until I got back. You're my wife, and I
wouldn't let you die.
Nodoka: [suspiciously] They never told me that. They acted
surprised.
Genma: They were rather enthusiastic about the trip, really.
[pauses] I think they hoped I would die.
Akane: ...
Ranma: Geez, Mom, did they do this everytime they had a fight
with you when you were a kid?
Nodoka: I never got kicked out.
Soun: You can't throw me out of my own home! [keeps banging]
Ranma: This is OUR home, Mr. Tendo.
Soun: Oh, well, we can go live at my place again.
Akane: Nabiki threw me out of the house.
Soun: [flatly] Oh, really. We'll see about that.
*****************
[We see the Saotomes and Akane sitting in the Tendo Living
Room. Soun emerges from the kitchen, looking embarrassed]
Soun: Umm....
Akane: Well?
Soun: Well, Nabiki has decided it would be immoral to cast
her own sister out into the street before she can support
herself.
Ranma: See, I told you it would be better once she calmed
down.
Soun: However, if she ever sees Genma or Ranma ever again,
she's going to call the police and tell them you're thieves. Mrs.
Saotome can stay if she likes.
Genma: ...
Ranma: Hey, I didn't do nothing to her!
Nodoka: I can't stay if my husband cannot.
Soun: Or you can repay her the 10 million yen you owe her for
house damages.
Ranma: ...
Nodoka: [big eyes] 10 MILLION?
Soun: I talked her down from 100 million. She was
exaggerating. You could level this house and rebuild it for less
than that.
Ranma: [sighs] Maybe Ukyou can put us up until Pop finds a job.
[pauses] Maybe that bear finally moved out of that one cave...
Akane: You're in charge, Pop! Tell her she can't do this!
Soun: [weakly] I did the best I could. She won't try to sell you
into slavery any more, and she isn't demanding I press criminal
charges against anyone. Ryouga calmed her down some. And he
insisted she not throw you out.
Akane: ...
Ranma: [mutters] Never thought I'd be grateful to Ryouga.
Nodoka: [sounds like her mother] What an ungrateful child.
Bossing her own father around.
Soun: [sighs] It was the best I could do. Even with Hibiki-san
and Ryouga helping me.
Akane: [turns to Ranma] I'll go with you, Ranma. [angrily] I
don't want her 'mercy'.
Ranma: [shakes his head] I don't know what's gonna happen to
us, and I don't wanna see you starve, Akane. I'm sure we won't
go too far. Maybe Grandma and Grandpa Saotome can loan us
some money.
Genma: Your mother drove them off. They're hiding from her
parents.
Nodoka: [sighs] Now I know why you don't use Beezelbub to
cast out Satan. They're not bad people, but they're getting old
and they're just...
Genma: Prigs.
Nodoka: ...conservative. They'll calm down in a few days. I
think I have enough money for us to stay in a hotel.
Genma: [pulls out a golden candle holder] We can sell this.
Mom gave it to me before she left.
Nodoka: [looks at it] This looks like...this IS one of my gold
candle holders!
Genma: No wonder it looked familiar.
****************
[We see Kasumi lounging out on the back porch of the Feeple
house with Ichi and Susan. Asrial is up on the roof and Jeremy
and Ricky are playing frisbee out in the backyard.]
Kasumi: I wish I could stay longer.
Ichi: Feel free to stay all summer.
Kasumi: [longingly] If only I could.
Susan: Yeah, stay! It would be great!
Ichi: Hey, Jeremy!
Jeremy: [turns to her] Eh?
Ichi: You think your mom would mind if Kasumi stayed longer?
Jeremy: I don't see why not. Are we still gonna take her to
Sixth Street tonight?
Kasumi: Sixth Street?
Ichi: [big, dreamy eyes] It's this GREAT street full of clubs!
Susan: Pulsing bodies throbbing to the beat. Heaven on Earth.
[pauses] Well, maybe not exactly Heaven. I don't reme...um,
anyway.
Kasumi: Oh my.
Ricky: THROW THE FRISBEE ALREADY!!!
Jeremy: [tosses it to Ricky, then turns back] Even though
Phrank is coming, I think you'll enjoy it.
Ricky: [catches it] Okay, I'm gonna throw it to you, Jeremy.
Kasumi: Well, dancing is kinda nice. It's been such a long time.
Susan: You'll love it! I bet you'll meet a nice guy and then you
won't WANT to leave.
Kasumi: [blushes] There's this guy at home. Umm...
Ichi: [sits up] Doctor Tofu?
Jeremy: Wow, a doctor.
Ricky: I'm gonna throw the frisbee now! Jeremy!
Kasumi: I just...I don't know how to get him to make the first
move.
Ichi: Just sweep him off his feet!
Kasumi: He sort of goes to pieces around me.
Jeremy: [glances at Ichi and Asrial] Some guys get nervous
around women. That's why you need to go after him.
Kasumi: Really, REALLY nervous.
Ricky: INCOMING! [hurls the frisbee, which knocks Jeremy out]
Ichi: RICKY!
Ricky: Hey, I gave fair warning.
Ichi: [whips out a sword. Don't ask me where she hid it when
she was wearing a bikini for sunbathing] I'm going to kill you!
There's your fair warning!
[They sprint off into the distance]
Kasumi: Oh my.
Jeremy's Mom: [comes out on the porch] Phone for you, Kasumi.
Kasumi: [blinks] For me?
Jeremy's Mom: It's your dad.
Kasumi: [on the phone] Hello?
Soun: [on the phone] Is this Kasumi?
Kasumi: Hi, Daddy.
Soun: Can you come home? World War III just started. It's the
Mongols vs. Julius Caesar all over again.
Kasumi: [sighs] I don't think I can get a flight before my
scheduled one three days from now.
Soun: [acks] But...but...
Kasumi: Daddy, I don't have an extra four hundred dollars for a
ticket. What's wrong? Did Akane and Ranma have a fight?
Soun: [starts going into hysterics]
Kasumi: [sighs] I'll see what I can do, okay, Daddy?
[She spends a while soothing him, then hangs up]
Jeremy's Mom: Family Crisis?
Kasumi: Daddy was right. It is World War III. I never should
have left. [sighs] You've all been so kind to me. I never
realized how badly I needed a vacation.
Susan: [sadly] But we don't want you to go!
Ichi: [who has come back] Yeah. It's like having a big sister
who isn't a potential rival to my control of my family ninja
clan, so I don't have to fight with you like I do with Hitomi.
[pauses] I didn't REALLY say that.
Asrial: [from the roof] Well, I can drive you home tomorrow if
you need to go. But tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1999.
[pauses] Which it is, on Gammalon Beta. In fact, it always is,
because the system is locked in a time loop.
Kasumi: I could use a good party before I go and try to
negotiate a peace treaty.
Asrial: [looks at Kasumi and smiles] Hmm. I may have a
surprise for you.
*************
[We see Shinnosuke and Hitomi at Ucchan's Okonomiyaki. Hitomi
is waitressing while Shinnosuke cleans up. He pauses to talk to
Ukyou]
Shinnosuke: Are you sure this isn't a problem for you?
Ukyou: Not as long as you help out. I can serve a lot more
people with a waiter and waitress so I can focus on cooking,
which is the good stuff. [smiles] And I always have plenty of
food for guests.
Shinnosuke: [sighs] I'm sorry I blabbed about you kissing me.
Ukyou: [laughs a little] Well, no one got hurt too much. I'm not
ashamed that I kissed you, it just came up at a bad time.
Hayao [For those who missed earlier episodes, this is Tsubasa
disguised as a boy. :)]: [from the doorway] Hey, Ukyou-san!
[runs over] How was your trip?
Ukyou: It was...I'd have been better off staying and going on
that date with you, Hayao. It was a complete disaster.
Hitomi: [loudly] Except for you and Shinnosuke smooching!
>From the way Shinnosuke can't shut up about that, that must
have been something good!
Ukyou: [blushes]
Shinnosuke: Hitomi! [waves his broom at her] I should spank
you!
Hayao: [crushed] You...kissed...[pauses] You kissed who?
Shinnosuke: Well, I'd never been kissed, so she felt sorry for
me and kissed me.
Hayao: Hey, I've never been kissed and no one ever kisses me!
Ukyou: [leans over and kisses his cheek] There you go.
[thinking] Urg. There I go again. Why am I doing this?
Hayao: [eyes widen] UKYOU-SAMA KISSED ME! [faints]
Shinnosuke: Want me to sweep him up?
Ukyou: He fainted? [thinks] That sounded so familiar.
Hitomi: Better stop using the poison lipstick. Did you faint
when she kissed you, Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: I wanted to faint, but I couldn't remember how.
Hitomi: ...
Ukyou: You...wanted to faint?
Shinnosuke: [absently] It was really exciting. I mean..I got a
kiss on the lips, and I didn't pass out. [looks at Hayao] Is it
normal to pass out after a girl kisses you?
Ukyou: [laughs gently] Only if it's really good.
Shinnosuke: Well, if the kiss I got from you wasn't good enough
to knock me out, then I can't imagine how one could be good
enough. [looks down at Hayao] So it must be that I can't
remember how to faint.
Ukyou: [faintly] It was that good?
Shinnosuke: Yeah. It's one thing I haven't forgotten.
Ukyou: [trembles, thinking] I feel so nervous. He...he liked it.
More than Ranma. He didn't shake or talk about it or remember
it when he forgets everything else. Of course, Ranchan doesn't
forget things, but...No. I can't just throw myself at the first
guy who comes along after Ranchan. [grabs her own arms,
thinking] But if I wait, then there might not be another guy.
Well, Hayao does like me, but I think I like Shinnosuke better,
but...But Shinnosuke loves Akane. He's just like this because he
doesn't know anything about women. Not that I know much
about men or...
Shinnosuke: Are you okay, Ukyou? Are you cold? You're
shivering. [puts a hand on her shoulder] Do you need a blanket?
[She faints from tension, falling over on top of Hayao]
Shinnosuke: [looks at his hand] It looks normal.
Hitomi: Nothing about you is very normal.
**************
[We see Ukyou lying in her bed. Hitomi is nearby, sitting on a
stool]
Ukyou: [stirs] But Mom, I can't stuff that many beans up my
nose! [wakes up all the way] Hey, how'd I get up here?
Hitomi: I carried you. [flexes] I'm stronger than I look.
Ukyou: [thinks a moment] The last thing I remember was that
I...did I kiss Hayao?
Hitomi: Do you kiss every guy you meet?
Ukyou: [frowns] No!
Hitomi: Just the ones I've also met.
Ukyou: I've only kissed three guys!
Hitomi: Do you normally do it when one of the others is
watching?
Ukyou: Why are you so bent out of shape over this? [gets out of
bed]
Hitomi: Because I don't want someone to hurt my cousin. I
think he has a crush on you.
Ukyou: He's in love with Akane.
Hitomi: You didn't see how worried he was about you after you
fainted. He thought it was his fault. I had to force him to go
down and work or he'd be here still grovelling. [sighs] Okay,
not grovelling, but...
Ukyou: [fainter] He can't really like me.
Hitomi: Even though he may never consciously remember that
Akane has told him she loves Ranma, or that he's told her he
loves her, he knows. He's capable of moving on. [pauses] Don't
give him the excuse of forgetting you. [leaves]
Ukyou: ...
*********
[We see Ranma and family at their hotel room. Genma looks
bored out of his mind, and Ranma is restless. Nodoka is
watching TV.]
Ranma: I wanna do something.
Nodoka: Take your father looking for a job.
Ranma: I wanna do something that isn't futile.
Genma: Hey!
Ranma: Actually, I bet Dr. Tofu would be willing to employ you.
I mean...if he was willing to hire a panda...
Nodoka: ...
Ranma: Let's go! [drags Genma out the door]
Nodoka: Wait, this doctor employs a...oh.
Ranma: C'mon, Pop.
***************
[Ranma and Genma arrive outside Dr. Tofu's shop just in time to
see a tractor beam pulling him into the sky towards a spaceship
hovering over the district]
Ranma: [slaps his forehead] Mom's not gonna believe this.
Genma: You think they feed their victims?
Ranma: Probably.
Genma: [sprints after the ship] Wait! Abduct me instead! I can
show you how to turn into a panda!
Ranma: Are you REALLY sure we're related?
*************
[We see Akemi and Gosunkugi going through some books of
occult lore. Mimi comes into the room]
Mimi: What'cha researching?
Gosunkugi: Trying to figure out how to get Desire off our case.
Mimi: Give her what she wants.
Gosunkugi: But I LIKE my head.
Akemi: Isn't there some rite or something?
Mimi: [sits and frowns] The Endless tend to be relentless. And
their emnity is endless as well. Unless you can convince
another one to intervene.
Akemi: Who are they again?
Mimi: Desire, Destruction, Destiny, Death, Delirium, Despair,
and Dream.
Akemi: [shudders] Dream is out. Most of them don't sound too
helpful. Maybe Destiny.
Gosunkugi: Why would Dream be out?
Akemi: He and Desire MADE the Tulpas. I can't imagine he'd be
happy I revolted.
Mimi: Both of them? Interesting. I'd heard either one, but not
both. When did they make you?
Akemi: About 50,000 years ago, or so. Before the last ice age.
Maybe longer than 50,000 years. Most of it is a blur. I was
born in Hyperborea.
Mimi: ...
Gosunkugi: [boggles] You...predate the last ICE AGE?
Akemi: [quietly] I was born in the last years of the collapse of
the Hyperborean civilization. Organized government had
collapsed when cthonians destroyed our major cities with
earthquakes. Darkness was rising across the land, and only
isolated lands held out. I served a great sorceror. [smiles at
Gosunkugi] Like you'll be one day.
Gosunkugi: [smiles nervously] What happened to him?
Akemi: I had to sell myself to Desire in order to save his life.
I became one of the first tulpas. And served Desire for 50,000
years. In one life after another. [shudders] I was a mirror of
their wants, but a tiny bit of me always remembered what I had
been. What I should have been.
Gosunkugi: [faintly] 50,000 years.
Akemi: [smiles impishly] I suppose I am robbing the cradle.
Gosunkugi: ...
Akemi: [walks over and hugs him] But I don't care. It's not like
I kept the same body, or even remember more than blurry bits
of my past when I was a tulpa. And I wasn't much older than
this as a mortal. I'd rather be with you. [thinks a moment]
Didn't I tell you all this before?
Mimi: Hmm. Futile as consulting Destiny is, it might be
possible for you to consult him and see if you're fated to be...no,
that would take too long given the likelyhood he would say no.
And knowing the answer wouldn't help.
Aloysius: [sticks his head in the door] Mimr's Well.
Mimi: Ah, good idea. Are you good at riddles?
Gosunkugi: I know a lot of reasons why the chicken crossed the
road.
Akemi: It had to get to the bank before the prime rate went up.
[pauses] Well, I didn't understand it either when Nabiki said it.
**************
[We see Ichi, Jeremy, Phrank and the other two Zetramen,
Sammi, Lendo, Terri, and Kasumi walking down Sixth Street in
Austin, which is basically one big wild party with multiple
sources of beer]
Kasumi: Oh my.
Terri: [to Phrank] I can't believe you guys talked me into
coming.
Phrank: Hey, this place is GREAT! You can pinch someone's butt
and they'll probably like it!
Terri: I mean with YOU.
Phrank: Hey!
Jeremy: How exactly did Asrial expect to find us here?
Lendo: The power of Radar, perhaps. [to Sammi] Shall we
dance?
Sammi: Let's find a club we all like, first.
[They soon find a club that looks interesting. Club Versailles is
decorated to look like an eighteenth century ballroom, except
for the wet bar, and the staff all wear period garb, with funky
hairdoes and wigs (but not whigs) as appropriate. However, it
is playing contemporary dance music. There is a surprise,
inside]
Kasumi: D...D... [looks stunned]
Dr. Tofu: [starting to spaz] Why, Kasumi, I didn't realize the
aliens had abducted you too! Or that they played such loud,
danceable music. Why, if we weren't on our way to slavery in
the salt mines of Mongo, I think I'd want to boogie all night!
[Everyone looks hard at Asrial, except Kasumi, who is in shock]
Asrial: Hey, I didn't say ANYTHING about salt mines!
Kasumi: I...I'd be happy to..boogie all night with you. [smiles
nervously]
Phrank: There's my cue! [starts singing 'boogie nights' and
boogies on out onto the dance floor]
Dr. Tofu: Should we be dancing our last night of freedom?
Kasumi: [laughs] Yes. [takes his hand] Let's dance.
[They dance off together, with her trying to keep him from
accidentally killing everyone in sight]
Ichi: Good idea. Let's dance, Jeremy.
Asrial: Hey, I drove all the way to Japan to help YOUR friend!
First dance is mine!
[Soon, the usual brawl is in progress]
***************
[We see Ukyou up on her roof, thinking]
Ukyou: Maybe I should go talk to Ranchan. I just...I feel so
weird.
[Silence]
Ukyou: I suppose waiting for an answer would be futile.
Female voice from above: Go talk to Ranma.
Ukyou: [blinks] Kami-sama?
Female voice from above: Tempting as it would be to claim
that, even I don't have that kind of gall.
Ukyou: Are you an angel? [pauses] If this is Don Pardo, I'm
gonna get mad.
Female voice from above: I said it wasn't Kami-sama.
Ukyou: ...
Female voice from above: That was a joke.
Ukyou: Who are you?
Female voice from above: I'm a helping kami. Of course, there
is a better solution that going to Ranma.
Ukyou: What's that?
Female voice from above: Just go seduce Shinnosuke and get it
over with.
Ukyou: [wide eyes] I couldn't.
Female voice from above: But you want to.
Ukyou: Yes. I mean no! I mean...
Female voice from above: He's telling Hitomi how cute you are
right now and how he's worried about where you ran off to.
[pause] Oh, he just forgot he's in your house and is wondering
where he is. Yeesh, even my sister ...owww! Hey, stop pulling
my hair!
Ukyou: ...
Female voice from above: Hey, I have every right to use this
loudspeaker you built! I'm a helping goddess too...oww, my
HAIR! Why you little! [sounds of brawling echo, then are
suddenly cut off]
Ukyou: That wasn't much help. I think I'll go talk to Ranchan.
***************
[We see Ukyou and Ranma on the hotel roof]
Ukyou: I just...I mean, I don't want to burden you with this, but I
don't...you're the only real friend I have, Ranchan. I know things
are hard for you right now, but...
Ranma: What's wrong? You sound really shook up.
Ukyou: I think I...I think...
Ranma: Shinnosuke didn't walk in on you in the bathroom or
something, did he?
Ukyou: [shudders] Have you ever...I mean...Um, when you and
Akane...do you...
Ranma: [cocks his head] Yeah, we have. Not too many times,
though. It's impossible to get any privacy.
Ukyou: Um, I meant before.
Ranma: [shakes his head] No, we never did anything like that
before we...um...before I finally made it clear I...
Ukyou: No, no, I mean...how does it feel when you kiss her?
Ranma: [looks at Ukyou oddly] What?
Ukyou: [sighs] Forget it.
Ranma: Are you feeling sick or something? [pauses] It feels
great when I kiss her. Are you sure you wanna hear about this?
I mean...
Ukyou: I just...I need to understand how someone is supposed to
feel when they kiss someone.
Ranma: I ain't the right guy to ask. I mean...it would feel
different for a girl, right?
Ukyou: [shrugs] I have NO idea.
Ranma: [thinks] It sucked pretty hard when I was a girl, but no
one I wanted to kiss me ever kissed me when I was a girl.
Ukyou: I just get so...trembly. Like I'm gonna die. And I want
to...do it again and again and... [shudders] Am I going mad?
Ranma: Yeah, I kinda know the feeling. When I kiss Akane, I
just don't want it to ever end, even though it does. [pauses] You
been kissing Shinnosuke again?
Ukyou: I kissed Hayao. Because he was jealous I'd kissed
Shinnosuke and not him.
Ranma: [shakes his head] Even I can tell you that was a bad
idea.
Ukyou: He just...He'd never...Okay, I was being ridiculous. I just
wanted...I want someone to...to hold me, Ranma. I just feel so
lonely.
Ranma: [reaches over and squeezes her shoulder] I'll always be
here when you need me.
Ukyou: [quietly] Not like I need.
Ranma: [sighs] I know lonely, Ucchan. It comes and it goes. I
had to...Someone had to lose. I'm sorry. [stares up at the stars]
You think they have the same problems as us?
Ukyou: Hitomi was telling us more stories her and Shinnosuke's
grandpa told them about his friend who claims to be an alien
when he's drunk. I think they do, Ranchan. I think they do.
Ranma: I dunno how much I'd trust Shinnosuke's old man.
Although my great-uncle does the same thing. Claimed he was
a prince once. Pretty crazy, eh? Ain't no princes in my family.
[traces a constellation with one finger] More than Happousai,
but then, I trust Cologne more than Happousai. She's not
whacko. [turns to Ukyou] I ain't no help on this kinda question.
You gotta go with what you feel, Ucchan. Don't let pride or
nothing get in your way. I kept waiting for my problems to go
away or someone else to solve them. I'd rather see you with
Shinnosuke than Hayao, anyway. Shinnosuke's a good guy.
Ukyou: [turns to Ranma] Why don't you like Hayao?
Ranma: Don't trust him. I trust Shinnosuke. Sometimes I trust
him to be an idiot, but I know he'll do the right thing. I don't
know this Hayao guy.
Ukyou: I just...do you really thinking trying another...so fast...I
mean...
Ranma: Call your dad. I bet he knows something about love. I
mean...he's been married, right?
Ukyou: [frowns] Ranchan.
Ranma: [waves his hands] I didn't mean to insinuate nuthin'! I
was just saying he's loved someone enough to marry them, so he
ought to know.
Ukyou: He'll just tell me to follow my heart. But I don't trust
it. Last time I listened to it...
Ranma: I always got in trouble cause I never listened to my
heart. That's about all I can tell you. [pauses] And if your
father ever arranges more marriages for you, kill him.
Ukyou: [laughs] Once bitten, twice shy. Little chance of that.
Ranma: [stares at the stars] You think we'll ever go out there,
Ucchan?
Ukyou: [looks up at the stars] What, in a spaceship?
Ranma: Well, unless you know Martial Surviving Deep Vaccuum,
yes.
Ukyou: There's probably an Amazon technique for it. Keeps
Shampoo's head from imploding.
Ranma: [pauses, then laughs] She's not that dumb.
Ukyou: I shouldn't be bitter towards her. [pauses] The
Nekohanten is closed.
Ranma: [blinks] She's gone?
Ukyou: Yeah. I couldn't tell if it was permanent or just a
vacation.
Ranma: I hope she comes back. [pauses] Long enough for me to
say goodbye at least. [sighs] I don't hate her, though I can
understand why you do. She...she loved me more than I deserved.
Ukyou: [rolls her eyes] Let's not get maudlin over the bimbo. If
you had chosen her, I would have...done something bad. [sighs]
I'm afraid to go home. I think I'm gonna do something stupid.
Ranma: You're welcome to stay here. Pop and I could take one
bed and you and Mom could take the other one.
Ukyou: [teasingly] Not you and me together?
Ranma: [frowns] Ucchan.
Ukyou: [sighs] I was just joking. I can't think like that, but
when I try not to, I think about...I bet he looks good na...umm...
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: I can't believe I'm carrying on like this!
Ranma: Maybe it's because he's available. I mean, even
with...us...you knew it would be a long time before anything
really happened. Me getting privacy is impossible. Which is
why it was so silly for Akane to think I was up to stuff with
you and Shampoo. I can't be alone with someone more than five
minutes without an attack.
Ukyou: We've been here more than five minutes.
Kunou: [off in the distance] SAOTOME!
Ranma: ...
Ukyou: I promise I won't say that ever again.
**************
[Everyone in the Sixth Street gang is exhausted. Ichi and Asrial
are half-asleep, leaning on each other while Terri and Jeremy
help the Zetramen stagger along. Lendo and Sammi seem in
quite good shape, while Kasumi is leaning on Dr. Tofu, who
would spaz, but can barely move]
Kasumi: I think I lost 20 pounds.
Dr. Tofu: Should I help you look for them?
Kasumi: [smiles] You're such a dear. Don't worry, lost pounds
usually come home on their own.
Dr. Tofu: [faintly] I hope we get to sleep in before we go to the
salt mines. Before they execute us, I wanted to tell you
something.
Kasumi: We're not going to be executed.
Dr. Tofu: I guess we wouldn't be much good in the salt mines,
dead. Never mind, then. [turns to Terri] Hey, Betty-chan, what
are YOU doing here?
Kasumi: [softly] What were you going to tell me?
Dr. Tofu: I can't believe the aliens abducted my lab skeleton.
And put a wig on her.
Terri: This is NOT a wig!
Dr. Tofu: [jumps back] She talked!
Kasumi: [laughs] I wish I was a princess like you, Asrial.
Asrial: [blinks and wakes up more] Mrr...what? How come?
Kasumi: They say the kiss of a princess can break spells.
Asrial: No problem. Don't get jealous, okay, Jeremy?
Jeremy: What? What was that, Asrial?
[Asrial walks over and kisses Dr. Tofu on the cheek. His glasses
de-fog and he looks confused]
Dr. Tofu: [looks around] This isn't a spaceship. [sees Kasumi]
Kasumi, did you just kiss me?
Kasumi: I...ummm...
Asrial: Yeah. But you turned your head and she missed your
lips. Give her another chance.
Dr. Tofu: [nervously] I..ummm...
Kasumi: Here...Here I come. [They kiss and Dr. Tofu faints] Oh
my. [pauses] I think I'll faint now too. [thunk]
Terri: If any more people faint, I'm going to give you to Dr.
Steamhead for experiments.
************
[We see Ukyou standing outside the door of the guestroom in her
house, with her hand half raised to knock. She is staring at the
door]
Ukyou: [thinking] Do something, Ukyou. Anything. Even playing
mumbletypeg with my foot would be more dignified than
standing here like this.
Shinnosuke: [from behind her] Is something wrong?
Ukyou: [spins around] No, nothing's wrong, I just had a long
conversation with Ranchan on whether or not I should rip off...I
mean...if I should...if it's too soon to...
Shinnosuke: Yeah, I think it's time to rip off the old tiles on
your roof and replace them. They're getting old.
Ukyou: [twitches] How soon...do you think you'll be ready for
someone else?
Shinnosuke: What?
Ukyou: I mean, Akane's marrying Ranma, so...
Shinnosuke: Oh, you mean, when will I get over that?
Ukyou: [nods firmly] Yeah.
Shinnosuke: Wait, Akane's marrying Ranma?
Ukyou: ... [turns to go] Forget it.
Shinnosuke: [sighs] That was a joke. I do learn eventually.
Sometimes. I can remember you name, for example. Ukyou
Kuonji. From Osaka. The best okonomiyaki chef I know.
Ukyou: [spins on one foot] How can you be so nice?
Shinnosuke: I'm not very nice.
Ukyou: Everything you say about me is so good!
Shinnosuke: Is that bad?
Ukyou: [gulps] I'm not used to compliments. They...They kinda
go to my head.
Shinnosuke: Would you rather I insult you?
Ukyou: [shakes her head] No, no, no! I...you're very kind to me,
and I feel like...I don't feel worthy.
Shinnosuke: I only lie when I forget something. You've been
very kind to me, letting me stay here and being so patient with
me and Hitomi. [smiles] I'm just glad I can help you out for
helping me. And soon, maybe I can get all my memory ability
from the wizard, and then I can try to really repay you.
Ukyou: [smiles] You can stay as long as you want.
Hitomi: [muffled through the door] Look, People, get to
smooching, or go to bed! You're keeping me up! Kissing makes
less noise than talking!
[Ukyou and Shinnosuke both blush]
Shinnosuke: Stop being so RUDE!
Hitomi: I know you want her body, so just get it over with! Or
come to bed!
Shinnosuke: I didn't say I wanted her body!
Hitomi: You talk in your sleep sometimes!
Shinnosuke: [blushes] I...You were BEGGING David Hasselhoff to
marry you last night! You talk in your sleep too!
Hitomi: [acks] I do not! That must have been...Ukyou! Yeah, it
was her!
Ukyou: [laughing] If I ever beg him to marry me, in my sleep or
not, you may kill me.
Shinnosuke: [turns to Ukyou] I didn't...I mean, it must have been
a dream, I'm not a...I mean... [blushes]
Ukyou: [smiles at Shinnosuke] I know you aren't. [whispers to
him] Let's make her THINK we're making out. Then tease her
when she looks.
Shinnosuke: [smiles and starts making moaning noises] Oh,
Ukyou! Touch my...oh yeah...
Ukyou: [moaning and acting silly] Touch me! Take me now! Oh
yes!
Hitomi: [sticks her head out the door, looking beet red] Not
where I can hear you! I was joking...I...
[They both laugh and carry her back into the room, then tie her
up with her own sheets]
Ukyou: Don't trust everything you hear, kid.
Hitomi: Just goes to show you can't trust anyone over 14.
*******************
[We see Gosunkugi, Akemi, Aloysius, Susan, and Mimi
conferring.]
Susan: I don't think you CAN appease her.
Mimi: [frowns] I was afraid of that. You'll need a patron,
someone who can make her back off.
Gosunkugi: Any suggestions?
Mimi: Well, Dream and Death are usually the most benevolent to
Mortals of the Endless.
Akemi: If Death is one of the most benevolent ones, I think
we're in trouble.
Mimi: The Death of Earth is really quite nice. So is the other
one I've met, but he wouldn't be much help since he doesn't have
any authority here.
SORRY ABOUT THAT. SHE GETS MAD WHEN I WANDER AROUND IN
HER TERRITORY. THEN AGAIN, I WASN'T TOO PLEASED WHEN SHE
NICKED ONE OF MY SOULS, SO I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
[Akemi and Gosunkugi are now both hanging from the ceiling
lamp, looking panicked]
Akemi: Ack! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to insinuate anything!
Gosunkugi: ...
Mimi: I didn't realize you were listening.
YOU FORGOT LAW #88, I SEE.
Akemi: Don't feed gremlins after midnight?
Gosunkugi: No, no, it's 'Never give a sucker an even break'.
Aloysius: Yeesh, get it straight. It's 'always leave them
laughing'.
Mimi: If you speak the name of a supernatural being, you risk
them hearing you. That's law #88.
GOOD TO SEE SOMEONE STUDIED. [pause] UNLIKE ONE WIZARD I
KNOW.
Mimi: Could you be more vague, please?
THE PACKARD FLIES AT MIDNIGHT.
Gosunkugi: Could you be LESS vague, please?
IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK WITH MY COUNTERPART, I SUGGEST YOU
TALK TO A BOY NAMED SHINNOSUKE. HE WANTS TO SEE YOU
ANYWAY, AND HE CAN GET YOU PAST YOUR Death'S NEW DOOR
GUARDIAN.
Akemi: [starts to slip and grabs onto Gosunkugi, sending the
lamp swinging wildly] HELP!
Aloysius: You could just let go. Your feet are only three feet
off the floor you know.
Gosunkugi: ...
Mimi: Where would they find Shinnosuke?
IN TOKYO. HE'S LOOKING FOR YOU ANYWAY. A NICE BOY. MY
COUSIN MET HIM THE OTHER DAY. [PAUSE] IF ANY DEMONDANDS
DROP BY ASKING WHERE HE IS, TELL THEM HE DECIDED TO MOVE
TO MELNIBONE, OKAY?
Gosunkugi: If any demodands drop by, I'm running for the hills.
Susan: Your cousin isn't that 'Mr. Skullhead' guy is it?
Mimi: We'll be sure to tell them that.
THANK YOU. GOOD DAY, MIMI. [PAUSE] YOU WILL MAKE THE
CHESS TOURNAMENT THIS FRIDAY, RIGHT? THE DEATH OF
CRYSTAL TOKYO IS LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING YOU.
Mimi: I'll be sure to make it, then.
GOOD, GOOD. ONE LAST BIT OF ADVICE.
Gosunkugi: Yes?
BEWARE OF AMAZONS BEARING MALLETS.
Akemi: [finally drops to the ground] We already knew that.
RIGHT. GOOD DAY.
[SILENCE]
Mimi: He's a nice chap as Deaths go. A lousy chess player,
though. [For no apparent reason, a water baloon falls on her
head]
I HEARD THAT.
*******************
[We see Kasumi packing to depart. There is a knock on the door]
Kasumi: Come in!
Susan: [enters nervously] Are you really going to leave?
Kasumi: Much as I want to stay, I can't. My family is tearing
itself apart and I may be the only person who can stop it.
[sighs] I wonder if all eldest sisters have this kind of problem.
Susan: [sits down on the bed] I'm sure you'll fix it easily, but...
Kasumi: [turns around] But?
Susan: I don't want you to leave. I owe you, and I haven't been
able to repay it. I want...I want to be your disciple.
Kasumi: ...
Susan: I've met saints before, but I was always on the other
side. I want to help you. Maybe I can get back into heaven if I
do.
Kasumi: [boggles] I'm no saint.
Susan: Yes you are. Trust me, I've been banished by eight
saints and Saint Brigit threw me down a well and dropped
flaming notes from her harp on me.
Kasumi: [blinks] She was just an old Celtic goddess who got
turned into a saint in the memories of the Irish nation.
Susan: Those were the worst kind! Most saints weren't aware
of their own power, but those ex-pagans would run WILD over
poor, hard working demons like...like I used to be. Oh, we
REALLY hated them.
Kasumi: ...
Susan: Anyway, if I study you enough, I think I can clean my
slate so I can go back to Heaven and beg them for a street-
sweeping job or something.
Kasumi: All it takes is to ask God for forgiveness, and you will
be forgiven.
Susan: Nothing in life is that easy.
Kasumi: [thinking] If she's not going to believe what I tell her,
how is she going to be my disciple? Not that I want one. I'm no
saint.
Susan: Yes, you are!
Kasumi: [jumps] You read my mind!
Susan: [nervously] Sorry, habit. I'll try to stop so I don't drive
you crazy.
Kasumi: [sighs and goes back to packing] I'm not a saint. I have
hardly any time to pray, I've never performed a miracle, and I
haven't been able to do much at all to even bring peace to my
family, let alone run around saving souls. I can't even talk to
my own sisters about my faith without them running away.
[piles several books into the suitcase] I'm not going to have
room in this suitcase.
Susan: [pulls one out of somewhere] Here you go.
Kasumi: [starts packing it, then blinks] Hey, where did this
come from?
Susan: I conjured it from my house. I don't have enough power
now that I've lost my patron to create matter anymore. [sighs]
And if I don't find another one, I'm going to dwindle away.
Kasumi: You've got a mortal body now.
Susan: But I'm losing my powers.
Kasumi: [sighs] Most of us get by just fine without any.
[stuffs more clothing into the second suitcase] Every time I go
on a trip, I always seem to end up with twice as much stuff as
when I started.
Susan: I have no legal identity, no education, and no salable
skills except my magic, Kasumi. I have some money in the bank,
but Desire probably made my bank account evaporate as
revenge, and I suspect my credit cards will bounce if I try to
use them. I know a lot of stuff, and I'm good at magic, but
without a source of power, I can't use it. I need a patron, and
no one will hire me because I've screwed up so many times, and
Desire will probably blackball me anyway.
Kasumi: But I don't HAVE any power! I'm just an ordinary
Japanese girl with a high school diploma. [sighs] And no future
except for trying to keep my family from self-destruction.
Susan: You have more power than almost anyone I've met. And I
can USE it if you aren't going to. And I'll use it for you.
[desperately] I owe you, Kasumi. You got me my soul back. Let
me help you.
Kasumi: [nervously] But what am I going to tell my folks?
That an American ex-demon decided to become my disciple?
Susan: I don't have to move in with you, just be able to come
see you so I can help out. Just tell them I was moving to Japan
anyway, and you're helping me settle in.
Kasumi: [sits down on the bed] But I'm not a saint!
Susan: All the saints say that. It's the best sign of a saint.
Kasumi: But lots of people who say they aren't saints are right.
Susan: Yeah, but all the saints thought they stunk. Why, I
remember the day Confucious threw me out a window. Now, he
had just been complaining about... [launches into a story]
****************
[We see Soun eating with Ken and Ryoko Hibiki. They are eating
pickled lettuce soup]
Soun: I'm sorry, but this is the only thing I know how to cook.
Ken: It's fine. [thinking] I'll chop off my left hand before I let
Ryouga marry into this family.
Ryoko: You should have let me cook.
Soun: [sighs] I didn't want to impose. I am your host.
Ken: Does this sort of thing happen often?
Soun: Usually there's property damage too. Thank the kamis we
were spared that.
[Ryouga flies across the room and through the wall]
Akane: [from the doorway] Don't ever come near me AGAIN!
Soun: More property damage than that.
[Kunou crashes down through the ceiling, landing on the end of
the table and flipping the soup into everyone's face]
Kunou: Saotome! You may have sent me into orbit with your
foul sorceries, but now I have returned! I shall smite thee!
Soun: ...
Ken: ...
Ryoko: Well, it can't get much worse.
Kunou: [lifts his sword] I will DESTROY thee, Saotome! This I
do swear by my honor as the BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH!
[lightning crackles down from the heavens, striking behind him.
The living room now has a 'skylight'] Oh wait, I graduated. I,
TATEWAKI KUNOU, THE FUTURE BLUE THUNDER OF WASEDA
UNIVERSITY, ASSUMING I AM ACCEPTED THERE! [lightning
strikes again. The roof is mostly gone now] OR, IF I AM NOT
ACCEPTED THERE, POSSIBLY AT TO... [Ryoko hurls her now empty
bowl of soup at his head, knocking him out]
Ryoko: I take it you forgot to spray for morons.
****************
[We see Kyousuke Kasuga and Madoka Ayukawa at the Kasuga
apartment. Kyousuke is going through his mail while she
practices the saxophone. His sisters are chasing the cat round
and round in the background]
Kyousuke: Hey, I got a letter from Waseda. FINALLY!
Madoka: [looks over] I got my acceptance letter a month ago.
Kurumi: Last round draft pick, eh, big brother?
Kyousuke: [frowns and opens it, reads, then smiles] I got in! I
got in!
Manami: I bet you'll have a great time there!
Madoka: Yeah, it'll be great. No more idiots to put up with. You
have to be pretty smart to get into Waseda.
Kurumi: Then how did Kyousuke get in?
Madoka: [hurls a pillow at her without looking. It beans her
squarely between the eyes and she passes out] Do they say who
your roommate will be?
Kyousuke: Some Tatewaki Kunou guy. Sounds decent to me.
Madoka: [squirms] Suddenly I have this feeling like someone
just walked on my grave.
Manami: Kurumi did it.
Kyousuke: [suspiciously] While unconscious?
Manami: Hey, it wasn't me!
[Madoka and Kyousuke both stare at her suspiciously]
Manami: Probably just a premonition of doom. Bet he's an axe
murderer.
Kyousuke: If he sticks to axes, we'll be okay.
[Now Manami and Madoka stare at him blankly]
Kyousuke: I guess I'll stick to photography and avoid stand-up
comedy, eh?
***************
[We see Ryouga, Nabiki, Ken and Ryoko in the backyard. Nabiki
has just leashed them all to a tree]
Nabiki: Okay, I'm gonna go run some errands. Call Dad if you
need anything.
Ken: [frowns] I don't like this.
Nabiki: Well, we couldn't bring your guide cat on the plane. Or
your guide dog. [sighs] I'm sorry, but I want you all to be here
when I get back. And you wanted to have a private family
conference, right?
Ken: [nods] Yes.
Nabiki: [kisses Ryouga on the cheek] I'll be back soon, dear.
Ryouga: Goodbye, Nabiki-chan [They stand and smile at each
other, then she runs off]
Nabiki: I'll be back as soon as I can!
Ken: [once she's gone] There's no way I'm letting you marry
into this family.
Ryouga: ...
Ryoko: Nabiki's a nice girl, but her family is a disaster, and I
don't want anything to do with it.
Ryouga: Her family is NOT a disaster!
Ken: Her eldest sister has sacrificed her life to play mommy,
her younger sister is a violent maniac who wants to kill you,
and her father is a complete loser whose only redeeming
quality is that he means well.
Ryoko: What exactly happened with you and Akane? Why does
she hate you so much? I thought you had a crush on her, but...
Ryouga: [sits down and sighs] She's right. I am a monster. I
deserve to have her kill me.
Ryoko: [frowns] That's not true! You're my beloved son, gentle
and kind!
Ryouga: It all started when I chased Saotome to China...
************
[We see the Gosunkugi house. Mrs. Gosunkugi is pacing back and
forth. Finally, she picks up the phone and dials]
Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: Pick up the phone. Please pick up the phone.
Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: [frantic] Not you too! Pick up the phone!
Phone: Ring. Ring. Click.
Mimi: [on the phone] Hello, you've reached the home of Mimi
Masters.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: NOT AN ANSWERING MACHINE! AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Mimi: [wincing] I'm not an answering machine, but I may be
deaf now.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: Is my son okay?
Mimi: He's just fine. I can get him.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: [sigh of relief] He's safe. He's not missing
like his father. I don't know what happened to him! He said
something about some movie star or something. Priscilla
Presley. I think she kidnapped him.
Mimi: ...
Mrs. Gosunkugi: Anyway, can you get my son?
Mimi: No problem.
Gosunkugi: [on the phone] Hi, Mom.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: If you see Priscilla Presley, don't let her in the
house. She kidnapped your father.
Gosunkugi: That was the Amazons.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: She's an Amazon?
Gosunkugi: They tried to kidnap me too, but we chased them
off.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: And rescued your father?
Gosunkugi: ...
Mrs. Gosunkugi: Now you know why I have to nag you repeatedly
to clean your room. If you don't go find your father, I'm going to
ground you until you're sixty.
Gosunkugi: Urk. I don't think I can fight the entire Amazon
village by myself.
Mrs. Gosunkugi: Get your crazy martial arts friends to help.
They... [gets clonked in the head by an unseen assailant]
Gosunkugi: They...they...Mom, you know I can't stand it when you
trail off for dramatic effect. [pause] Mom? [pause, worried]
Mom?
Cologne: [picks up the phone and talks into it] She's about to
get a free permanent trip to China.
Gosunkugi: You'll pay for this!!!
Cologne: Chiang Kai-shek said that too. [sighs] He was a
cheapskate.
Gosunkugi: Don't make fun of me!
Cologne: Right. I'll just go torture your mother instead. [hangs
up]
Gosunkugi: MOM!!!!!!!!!!!
Shampoo: [standing nearby, frowns] Torture her?
Cologne: One of the best kind of threats leaves the details to
someone's imagination. He'll come. [smiles] And we'll be ready
for him.
**************
[Ryouga continues his explanation.]
Ryouga: I know I shouldn't have crawled into her bed. I just...I
loved her so badly, and I couldn't help myself.
Ryoko: [sighs] She's right, you were an idiot.
Ryouga: ...
Ryoko: There's no such thing as being unable to help yourself.
No one can make you do anything but you. You screwed up
because you wanted to.
Ryouga: But, Mom, I...
Ryoko: She has every right to cut out your heart and eat it.
Ken: Let's not get graphic, okay? Are you sure you want to
pursue this, son? It's going to be an uphill battle, and it's
likely that Akane may never forgive you.
Ryoko: And what happens when this love potion wears off?
Ryouga: I don't love her because of the potion!
Ryoko: You loved Akane so much you couldn't stay out of her
bed, and then suddenly, you love Nabiki so much you can?
Ryouga: I just...I...It has to be true love! It has to!
Ken: If it was a love potion, it's a strong one if Nabiki will
fight her sister for you.
Ryoko: [shakes her head] It had to be a love potion. Or else our
son is insane.
Ryouga: [irritated] I am NOT crazy! I love Nabiki and nothing
will change that!
[Suddenly, Shelf pops up from behind a bush and hoses down
Ryouga, Ryoko, and Ken with a spray can. He then runs off at
high speed]
Ken: ...
Ryoko: Is everyone in this house insane?
Ryouga: That was the husband of a 300 year old Chinese
Amazon. His name is Shelf.
Ryoko: That was a human being?
Ryouga: What was that stuff, anyway?
[A passing mosquito makes a WIDE detour around them]
Ken: Looks like a runby bug repellent spraying.
Ryouga: Anyway, I love Nabiki and nothing can change that.
[In the shadows, Shelf looks at the can he is holding. It is
labelled 'Love Potion Neutralizer and Bug Repellent']
Shelf: [frowns] It worked when I sprayed Cologne with it. I
guess I'll try hosing down Nabiki.
Ryoko: Well, your father and I have to get back to America. We
have shows scheduled. I can get you and Nabiki some tickets if
you want to see me sing with Barry Manilou.
Ryouga: Sure, that would be great. [sighs] There has to be
some way to get Akane to know I'm sorry and forgive me.
Ken: Stage an alien invasion.
Ryouga: ...
Ken: It worked in 'Wag the ID4'.
Ryoko: Made by your uncle, Charles De Hibiki, the French
Resistance Leader?
Ken: [holds two fingers twined together] He and De Gaulle were
like this.
Ryouga: [sighs] You didn't tell Mr. Tendo any of these crazy
stories, did you?
Ken: Only the one about how Christopher Hibiki discovered Ohio.
**************
[Akane is in the dojo, working out. There is a knock on the door.
She opens them.]
Akane: WHAT?
[The old man and his grand daughter we've seen several times
before in this series are standing there]
Old Man: FINALLY. We've come to crush all of Happousai's
disciples! I'll show that old pervert who's boss!
Girl: [about Akane's age] Said the pot to the kettle.
Old Man: [trips her without even looking] Show an old man
some respect.
Akane: Happousai doesn't have any disciples. Go away before I
punt you to the moon.
Girl: See? I told you! Let's go home, Jiji.
Old Man: Don't call me that! [turns to Akane] I know Happousai
lives here.
Akane: In fifteen seconds, I'm going to close this door. In one
minute, I'll open it again, and if you're still here, you won't be
here long.
Old Man: I'm not leaving until we get to challenge Happousai
and his disciples.
[The door closes]
Girl: Pardon me, I think I hear my mother calling. [runs off]
Old Man: Yawara you coward! You're dishonoring your father's
memory!
[The door opens and Akane picks up the old man]
Akane: Any last words?
Old Man: [rolls and flips her, sending her across the yard into
the pond, somehow using her own body for the leverage he
needs] Only a fool grabs a Judo master.
Akane: [rises from the pond, dripping wet and glowing blue
with battle aura] You have fifteen seconds to leave. Fourteen.
Thirteen. Twelve.
Old Man: Hah! I recognize that trick! You are Happousai's
disciple! You're about to use that stupid aura trick where you
grow to thirty feet tall, but you can't actually touch anything
because it just moves your molecules farther apart!
Yawara: [from across the yard] That's not possible!
Old Man: Yawara, my granddaughter, there is more in heaven and
earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. [laughs] I always
wanted to say that.
Akane: One. DIE! [her aura erupts, firing a blue bolt at the Old
Man, who is flung back through the doorway and into the dojo.
She blinks] Did I do that?
Old Man: [staggers out, smoking] Nice feint.
Yawara: ...
Old Man: No more kid gloves. [charges at Akane, who tenses for
his charge, then skids to a halt a few feet from her. She blinks
and he suddenly is up on her shoulders and uses Cammy's
patented land on your shoulders and somehow flip you
backwards by doing a backwards roll off your shoulders move.
It seems even less plausible when he does it than when she
does] Yah!
Yawara: How did you do that?
[Akane splashes into the pool again]
Old Man: The woman who taught me didn't have any idea either.
Top that!
Akane: [glowing with chi as she charges out of the pond] DROP
KICK! [picks up the Old Man, then drops him, punting him in
mid-air. He soars upwards and out of sight]
Yawara: [nervously] You didn't really punt him to the moon, did
you?
Akane: Naah, Ranma usually just lands in the bay.
**************
[We see Ryu Hibiki, still on the moon, struggling up a hill.]
Ryu: [looks down into the next valley] Another one of those
weird platforms? And another American flag too. Maybe this
is some weird kind of patriotic site.
[The old man falls on his head. They both tumble to the ground]
Old Man: Happousai taught her well. Probably for sexual favors.
Bleah.
Ryu: [blinks] Huh?
Old Man: [looks around] So where are we?
Ryu: Death Valley, I think. [looks down at the lander] Or maybe
that new park Disney was building.
Old Man: [looks up] Tell me that's not the Earth up there.
Ryu: That's not the Earth up there.
Old Man: What is it?
Ryu: I think someone just painted the moon. It was getting
boring the way it never changed.
Old Man: ...
***************
[We see Genma, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi working as waitpersons
at Ucchan's, while Ukyou and Ranma-chan cook. Ranma-chan,
like Ukyou, is dressed in a traditional okonomiyaki seller's
uniform: black tights and a wrap around floral top]
Ranma-chan: I don't see why I gotta be a girl while I cook.
[flips over more okonomiyaki on one of the grills]
Ukyou: It draws in more customers. [smiles at one table of
customers, who smile back enthusiastically] I don't always
like it, but I gotta make all the money I can during the summer
so I can afford to only work short hours during school.
Ranma-chan: [mutters] I don't even look good in this outfit.
Ukyou: [glares for a second, then laughs] It was that or the
bunny costume.
Ranma-chan: [laughs] You're bluffing. You don't own a bunny
costume.
Ukyou: [grins] If I have one, you have to wear it.
Ranma-chan: If you don't have one, you have to go rent one and
wear it.
Hitomi: [comes to get an order] That's a sucker bet, Ranma.
Ranma-chan: She's bluffing. Ain't no way Ucchan would have a
bunny outfit.
Ukyou: [walks to the base of the stairs] Last chance to back
down, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: I may get bluffed at poker, but you ain't gonna
bluff me!
Hitomi: [snags the order she came for] Hope you look good in a
bunny outfit.
Ranma-chan: [rolls her eyes] You don't know Ucchan. She ain't
got no girly outfits like that. Heck, we could swap clothing and
no one would notice most days.
Hitomi: [frowns] There's nothing wrong with looking like a
girl.
Ranma-chan: Hey, I like how Ucchan dresses. If I was a girl, I'd
dress like that.
Shinnosuke: [comes for an order] You are one, and you are
dressed like that.
Ranma-chan: ...
Shinnosuke: Okay, I need a...um... [turns and shouts across the
room] You need WHAT? [goes over to talk to the people again]
Ukyou: [comes down, holding an outfit that looks suspiciously
like a green version of the uniform worn by the hostesses at
Playboy clubs] Go get dressed, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: ...
Hitomi: [grins] I TOLD YOU!
Customer: Hey, kid, where's my ORDER?
Hitomi: [runs across the room] Here you go.
Customer: It doesn't have the toppings I ordered!
Hitomi: This is an okonomiyaki shop. You put the toppings on
yourself.
Customer: What if I don't want self-service? Where's the full
service table?
Hitomi: We don't change your oil, either. [points at the hollow
space with a grill in the table] See all that stuff? Go for it.
Customer: If I wanted to do it myself, I'd be eating at home!
Hitomi: Well, we do have another option.
Customer: Yes?
Hitomi: I push your face down into the toppings, then you won't
have to make an effort to eat them.
Customer: [nervously] Self-service sounds good.
Ranma-chan: You...why do you have one of these?
Ukyou: [stares at the ground] I was saving it for a special
occasion. Like...
Ranma-chan: ...
Ukyou: [sighs] You don't have to wear this.
Ranma-chan: [looks around at the anarchy in Ucchans. Genma is
trying to nap under a table. Hitomi is browbeating the
customers, and Shinnosuke can't remember anyone's order more
than five seconds] I'll change fast. [takes the outfit and runs]
Ukyou: ... [goes back to cooking]
Ranma-chan: [emerges in the outfit and goes over to Genma]
Pop, get to work, or I'll announce we're having a special with
Panda toppings.
Genma: You can't...
Ranma-chan: [does the Giant Soun Trick] POP, GO TO WORK OR
I'M GONNA TELL MOM UKYOU DIDN'T FIRE YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BE FIRED.
Genma: ... [runs off, grabs a broom, and starts cleaning up]
Ranma-chan: [hands Shinnosuke a notepad] Use this.
Shinnosuke: Oh, THAT's where I put it.
Ranma-chan: [darts over to Hitomi] Go cook.
Hitomi: Hey, you can't...
Ranma-chan: Or I'll demonstrate my talents in Martial Arts
Punting People to the Moon.
Hitomi: ... [goes to cooking]
[Ranma-chan darts all over the room, doing her best seductive
routine, soon soothing the sea of chaos. More male customers
begin cramming into the shop, but she remains always just out
of their reach. During a brief break, she looks contemplatively
at Shinnosuke, then grins and takes his shirt off]
Shinnosuke: ...
[She darts out of his sight, and he soon forgets he was wearing
a shirt. Soon, more female customers seem to be showing up as
well]
Ukyou: [trying not to stare at Shinnosuke as he comes over to
get an order] Umm, you don't mind, do you?
Shinnosuke: Mind what?
Ukyou: Being used as..umm...human advertising?
Shinnosuke: [looks at himself] Someone didn't put a sign on my
back, did they?
Ukyou: [looks over at Ranma-chan] I guess I just don't
understand you.
Shinnosuke: That's okay. I don't understand me either. We need
three more okonomiyaki and a shrimp struedel.
Ukyou: [blinks] A what?
Shinnosuke: Well, actually, he said 'a struedel for the shrimp'.
Ukyou: But we don't serve struedel.
Shinnosuke: Aren't there laws against discriminating on who
you serve?
Ukyou: ...
*****************
[We see Ukyou, Genma, Shinnosuke, Ranma-chan, and Hitomi
splayed out across the tables, exhausted]
Hitomi: My pains hurt.
Genma: I think I used up my quota of work for the next century.
Shinnosuke: I can't remember where my shirt is.
Ranma-chan: I'm just glad you don't have any high heels,
Ucchan.
Ukyou: [grins] And what if I do?
Ranma-chan: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and
I'll probably die.
Hitomi: I'm gonna go take a bath.
Genma: I'm gonna go mooc...visit Tendo-san.
Shinnosuke: I'm gonna lie here and moan.
Ukyou: I gotta go do inventory. [pauses] In a few years.
Ranma-chan: [springs up] I'll help you.
[They go to the backroom and start putting away some
deliveries Ukyou got earlier in the day and checking what
supplies she needs to order. They talk while they do this]
Ukyou: I hope...
Ranma-chan: I hope I'm not this tired after the end of every
day. Thanks for hiring Pop, Ucchan.
Ukyou: He needed the work.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, but you ain't got no reason to be nice to him.
And we need the money bad.
Ukyou: [quietly] You worked really hard today. And you didn't
complain about the outfit.
Ranma-chan: Everything was going to hell, and I had to do
something.
Ukyou: [quietly] I know how much you hate dressing like a girl.
Ranma-chan: I came close to throwing up about fifty times and
by the end, I almost forgot I wasn't a girl. Thirty guys asked
me out. Twelve tried to kiss me. They all flirted. [looks down
at herself] Do they put aphrodesiacs in these things? Then
again, given all Shinnosuke had to do was take off his shirt...
Ukyou: You make a VERY good looking woman, Ranchan. And YOU
took his shirt off.
Ranma-chan: [absently] You'd look better than me in this.
Ukyou: [blushes] You think so?
Ranma-chan: You'd look great. [shrugs, picks up a crate and
reads the label] Gunpowder? For cooking?
Ukyou: My explosive flour mix. [pauses] I bought the outfit
for...I was hoping...
Ranma-chan: [nervously] It ain't none of my business. You
want me to wear it tomorrow too?
Ukyou: I won't make you do it, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: You need the money, Ucchan. I can stand it.
Ukyou: [stares at the ground] Not tomorrow. I gotta wash it
before you wear it again.
Ranma-chan: [puts a hand on Ukyou's shoulder nervously] I
gotta go. I'm supposed to have dinner with Akane. I'll change
before I go.
Ukyou: [quietly] You really think I'd look good in that?
Ranma-chan: Save it for someone you care about. It don't
matter if I prance around in it; it don't mean nothing. I'm really
a boy, and it's all a big con. But yeah, I think you'd look really
good in it. Save it for a surprise for someone you love. [walks
out]
Ukyou: [quietly] That's what I was saving it for.
***************
[We see Hitomi, Ukyou, and Shinnosuke playing cards]
Hitomi: I can't believe Ranma pranced around in that outfit like
that.
Shinnosuke: I can't believe so many women wanted to look at
my chest. [looks at his hand] I bid one.
Ukyou: [shrugs] You have a nice chest. I wouldn't mind staring
at it. [blushes] Pretend I didn't say that.
Hitomi: I mean, you'd think he wanted every man in the room
the way he was acting.
Ukyou: That was the idea. Rope them in and get them to spend
money. [stares at her cards] What a lousy hand. I bid one trick.
Shinnosuke: I bid three.
Hitomi: Hey, it's MY bid! You already bid!
Shinnosuke: Oh wait, those are clubs, not spades. I bid one.
Hitomi: Well, if you people have such lousy hands...I bid ten for
two hundred. [turns to Ukyou] Yeah, but selling your body for
money like that...feh. And I think he liked it.
Ukyou: [narrows her eyes] You don't know ANYTHING about
Ranma if you think that.
Shinnosuke: That was Ranma?
Ukyou: So you bid ten for two hundred, Hitomi?
Hitomi: Yeah. So why'd he do that if he hates it?
Ukyou: Because sometimes you have to do things you hate to
help friends, or even just to survive.
Hitomi: I still think he liked it.
**************
[We see Akane fuming up in her room. Ranma-chan appears in
the window]
Ranma-chan: Sorry I'm late. Work ran overtime, but now I've
got lots of money to take you somewhere nice.
Akane: I've been waiting an hour!
Ranma-chan: [frowns] I told you I had to work today and wasn't
sure when we'd be done. I had to help Ucchan do inventory.
Akane: Your father's been here for an hour!
Ranma-chan: He ran off the second he could. [pauses] Wait,
why didn't Nabiki throw him out?
Akane: She and Ryouga and his family left to eat dinner. [sighs]
This really stinks, Ranma.
Ranma-chan: I know. I didn't come to the door 'cause of Nabiki.
Akane: I just...dammit, why can't she understand why I'm mad
at Ryouga?
Ranma-chan: 'Cause she loves him, and when you love someone,
you tend to take their side. It may only be a potion, but they
don't seem to care.
Akane: Maybe I should get some potion neutralizer.
Ranma-chan: I think Santa gave Shelf some.
Akane: When did...oh yeah. So what did he give you?
Ranma-chan: [thinks a moment, then says] I never opened it.
Akane: Now I'm curious.
Ranma-chan: I ain't got it with me. I'll check later. C'mon, we
gotta go before every restaurant in Tokyo closes.
****************
[We see Desire in her stronghold. She is throwing darts at a
dartboard that has pictures of Akemi, Kasumi, Elvis, Zorro,
Dream, Ghandi, the Buddha, and Emperor Norton up on it. The
pictures are all full of dart holes]
Desire: She's late. [frowns] I'm escalating this because it's taking
too long to get them to destroy each other, so of course, the instrument
of my vengeance decides to be late, causing MORE delays! [hurls a barrage
of darts at all her targets, hitting each on in the nose]
[The Bishoujo Kitsune, a beautiful shapechanging fox, walks in,
currently wearing her human form]
Bishoujo Kitsune: I prefer the term, 'fashionably late'.
Desire: I don't like waiting.
Bishoujo Kitsune: I understand you wish to retain my husband
and I for a job.
Desire: I need someone either corrupted or destroyed. Two
someones. Well, three someones. Four.
Bishoujo Kitsune: I take it that basic math skills aren't part of
your godly powers?
Desire: Do you wish to have a blooming century lotus or not?
Bishoujo Kitsune: Yes.
Desire: [smiles] Then we can make a deal.
**************
[We see Ranma somewhat later, digging through the small pile
of his stuff in the hotel room his family is at. He pulls out a
gift wrapped package]
Ranma: Cool. [unwraps it. It is a yellow and black book] Bleah.
[He turns to the title page. Jyusenkyo for Idiots] ...
[There is movement just outside the window]
Ranma: [frowns and goes to the window, opening it. He sticks
his head out] Hello?
[No one answers, but we the viewers, can see something with a
big fluffy tail vanish onto the balcony above the one outside
Ranma's hotel room]
Ranma: I must be imagining things. Well, let's see if this book
is any good. [sits down to read]
***************
Furinkan Summer #13
"History Repeats Itself.
First as a Tragedy, then as a Farce."
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
***************
[We see a huge valley, which looks like Jyusenkyo, but with no
pools. It is just a grassy valley. An army is camped on one side
of it, and the sun is setting. A flag flies over the valley,
showing a shining sun with a rune embossed on the sun]
Lord Commander Dyil: [a tall handsome man who looks
somewhat Chinese, except for his long red hair] We will make
our stand here.
Knight Commander Yu: [a short, skinny man who looks
somewhat like the Jyusenkyo guide...if the guide lost half his
body mass] It's too marshy. Our cavalry will sink into the
muck if it goes much farther into the valley than this.
Lord Commander Dyil: Just imagine what this will do to those
huge...whatever they are.
Knight Commander Yu: Tsathoggua's Spawn.
Lord Commander Dyil: Exactly. We'll fight on foot. They'll
cross the bog, and then they'll sink into the muck, and we'll
slaughter them.
[Night sets and the stars come out. Then the stars vanish from
a part of the sky on the far end of the valley, forming a vaguely
humanoid shape. Dozens, maybe hundreds of vaguely humanoid
forms swarm down into the valley from the mountains, then
begin to sink into the muck. They keep changing shape, but the
muck seems to suck them down. They howl in agony, and the
soldiers move forward with weapons that shine in the darkness
and begin to chop them up]
Lord Commander Dyil: I told you it would work!
Knight Commander Yu: [sighs and points to the edge of the
valley] Look. You can see the stars.
Lord Commander Dyil: [sarcastically] Am I supposed to see the
sun, instead?
Knight Commander Yu: Something was blocking them before.
[The valley shakes. The approaching creature can barely be seen
in the darkness. It is huge, dozens, maybe hundreds of feet tall,
with a furry body that somewhat resembles a huge toad-man,
although it has human like feet. With every footstep, it
punches a deep hole in the marsh which begins to fill up with
water, forming a pool. The human army breaks up in fear before
it, fleeing the valley. The creature pulls some of its minions
out of the muck, but leaves the most helpless to die when the
sun rises. The creature itself marches off east out of the
valley]
**************
[We see Ranma put down the book]
Ranma: No way. [turns back to the book and sees the next
words are 'Yes way'. He drops the book and jumps back] What
kinda crazy book is this? [The book begins to glow] This is
gonna be worse than when Pop tried to give me that 'Four Gods
Earth and Sky' book for my fourteenth birthday.
[The glow engulfs Ranma, who vanishes]
***************
[We see Soun at the airport, pacing back and forth. As soon as
Kasumi, Susan, Akemi, and Gosunkugi step off the plane, he
rushes forward and hugs Kasumi so hard she nearly passes out]
Kasumi: I love you too, Daddy. [urks] My ribs.
Soun: My baby! You came back to me!
Kasumi: I told you I'd come back.
Soun: You didn't change your name to 'Elvis' and become a
lounge singer, did you?
Kasumi: [laughs] Nope.
Soun: No Knife or Gun Fights?
Susan: Does your father usually take LSD before going to the
airport?
Kasumi: I'm fine, Daddy. [pauses] I did hit a powerful kami in
the head with a frying pan, and she may try to kill us all,
though.
Soun: But no knife fights?
Kasumi: No, but I still have the bowie knife Mr. Saotome gave
me. It's in my purse. [pauses] Oh, Daddy, this is my friend
Susan. She's moving to Tokyo, so I'm going to show her around
and help her out. Can she use our guest room for a few days?
Soun: Sure, that's fine. We'll need to get a taxi home. [turns to
Susan] I hope you brought a crash helmet.
Susan: [big eyes] Are the taxies dangerous here?
Soun: I'm talking about once you get to our house.
Susan: ...
Gosunkugi: Mr. Tendo, I need to find Ryouga and Ranma and
Akane. Are they all still living at your house?
Soun: Ranma is at a hotel room. What do you need them for?
Gosunkugi: The Amazons have my parents, and I need their help.
Soun: Once Kasumi negotiates another Versailles treaty for us,
I think we can help you.
Akemi: Wasn't that the treaty that pretty much guaranteed the
outbreak of World War II?
Soun: Well, we're up to about World War XIX in our house, so it
won't be a problem. I'd be happy to go back to World War II in
comparison.
Akemi: ...
**********
[We see Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi eating breakfast. They
have donuts and fruit and milk.]
Ukyou: Making okonomiyaki would have been easier than buying
these.
Hitomi: If I smell ONE MORE okonomiyaki, I'm gonna go stark
raving mad.
Ukyou: Like we could tell the difference.
[They glare at each other]
Ukyou: [sighs] Okay, this is good. I guess I just...
Hitomi: You're addicted to okonomiyaki. A flour and toppings
junkie. Desperately shooting up on...
Shinnosuke: Will you LAY OFF?
Hitomi: [sinks in on herself] I wanna go home.
Ukyou: Gosunkugi's mom said he's flying in today. [looks at her
watch] Where is Ranma?
[Phone rings]
Ukyou: [on the phone] Hello?
Nodoka: [on the other end] Have you seen Ranma? He seems to
have vanished.
Ukyou: ... [on the phone] No, he's probably at Akane's. Tell him
he and his father were supposed to work here today.
Nodoka: [on the phone] I will go look for him while Genma
works, then.
Ukyou: [on the phone] I'm sure he's fine. [thinking] I hope.
**********
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga in the living room of the Tendo
House, eating breakfast]
Nabiki: Yeah, he sprayed me too. [shrugs] The Amazons are
weird. Probably was supposed to make us love mashed potatoes
or something.
Ryouga: [looks around and sighs] My parents didn't enjoy their
visit.
Nabiki: It's not MY fault my sister decided to be an idiot.
Ryouga: She's right. I was a beast. I want to apologize, but she
won't listen.
Nabiki: [frowns] Stuff her. If she won't accept your apology
and all she does around here is destroy everything with her
loser boyfriend, I could care less what she does.
[Kasumi and Soun walk in the door with Susan]
Kasumi: Hi, everyone! [runs over and hugs Nabiki] It's so good
to see you!
Nabiki: [smiles a little] It's good to see you too.
Ryouga: Kasumi, you don't...hate me...do you?
Kasumi: I understand your little secret came out. [frowns at
Ryouga] I had hoped I was wrong about that.
Ryouga: ...
Nabiki: You knew?
Kasumi: I suspected, but I didn't want to accuse without proof.
[sighs] What is done is done. I know you won't do it again. [the
tone of her voice is such as to insinuate Ryouga should fear for
his continued existence if she is wrong]
Ryouga: I swear. I want to apologize, but she won't listen.
Kasumi: You'll certainly apologize. [turns to Susan] I'll show
you to your room, then I'll go see about Akane. [turns to Ryouga
and Nabiki] This is my friend Susan. She's moving to Tokyo, so
she'll be our guest for a few days while I help her find
somewhere to live.
Susan: [flawless Japanese] Nice to meet you! Your sister is
very nice to help me like this.
Nabiki: I hope you can beat some sense into Akane. I couldn't.
Kasumi: [turns on Nabiki and frowns] You didn't help matters,
trying to throw your own sister out of the house.
Nabiki: Hey, she was...
Kasumi: Mad at Ryouga for things he was guilty of. [narrows
her eyes] So you had a screaming match with her and acted
even more childish than she is, threatening to cut off your own
father.
Nabiki: [frowns] She's a bum! Dammit, I've made sacrifices for
this family! When has she ever...
Kasumi: Which one of us was forcibly engaged to someone she'd
just met because her father made a stupid promise ten years
ago? [Soun visibly shrinks] Which one of us was used as a
photo subject without asking repeatedly, and even after she
asked you to stop? [advances on Nabiki] Which one of us has
been kidnapped more times than I can count? Which one of us
was attacked every day for two weeks by every male in her
grade? Which one of us carried you through the snow on her
back at age nine after you fell down and broke your leg? Which
one of us used to chase off the bullies who harrassed you in the
fourth grade?
Nabiki: Okay, she's done a few things...
Kasumi: If you had ever ASKED her to help, she would have been
willing to! But since you never tell any of us what you're up to,
she never had any way of knowing! And your boyfriend has
trashed this house as often as hers has!
Nabiki: [stares at the floor] She told me my love was just a
lie, just a magic spell. Dammit, this is the only love I've had in
my life!
Kasumi: [sighs and hugs her] I know, Nabiki. At least your
boyfriend doesn't go insane around you. [turns to the stairs] I'll
go talk to Akane. [leaves with Susan]
Nabiki: Whose side is she on?
Soun: Mine! [dances around happily]
Ryouga: I don't think she's interested in sides.
**************
[Kasumi knocks on Akane's door]
Akane: [shouts] Burn in hell!
Kasumi: What a way to welcome your sister.
Akane: [acks and runs over, letting Kasumi in and hugging her]
I'm sorry, I thought it was Ryouga again. He just won't go away!
Kasumi: [hugs Akane] He just wants your forgiveness.
Akane: What he did is unforgivable!
Kasumi: We can all be fools for love, Akane, and do things we
know we shouldn't.
Akane: [face still pressed to Kasumi's shoulder] Dammit, I
trusted him! I thought he was a nice guy! That he was my
friend! And now he's turned my sister against me!
Kasumi: [strokes Akane's hair] She loves him. If Ranma was in
trouble with Nabiki, you'd be on his side.
Akane: She only loves him because he used a potion on her!
Kasumi: I was there. It was an accident. He never meant it for
her.
Akane: Then he meant to use it on me! The bastard! [lets go of
Kasumi and beats on the wall]
Kasumi: That sort of thing is why Nabiki banished the
Saotomes, Akane-chan. [sighs] It was just another accident,
the sort of hapless lunacy we get all the time, like when Daddy
had the head of a fly for a week.
Akane: [shudders] Don't remind me. Stupid movie. But their
love is still fake.
Kasumi: Love potions don't last this long. It might have started
with magic, but I think it's real now.
Akane: How would you know how long love potions last? It's
gotta be magic.
Kasumi: I found this old cookbook of Mom's in high school and
I... [shudders] I used it.
Akane: ...
Kasumi: Remember Gurio Matsumoto?
Akane: The cute guy with the scar across his face?
Kasumi: [sits down] I had the hugest crush on him, but he didn't
notice me at all. So I got really desperate and then...
Akane: You used a love potion on him? But I never saw you
together.
Kasumi: The first one only lasted a day. But there was a better
recipie, for this stuff called Passion Pancakes, you see.
Akane: ...
Kasumi: [stares at the ground] I got on the cooking staff for
the ninth grade graduation breakfast. In fact, I'd helped make
sure there would be one, just so I could try this. I was
just...obsessed.
Akane: I just can't believe you would...
Kasumi: I just wanted him so badly...I can't even understand
why now. He was just cute and funny and nice and whenever he
smiled at me, it made me feel like I was alive. [pauses] More
alive. So I made the special pancakes, and brought them to him.
But I put too much pepper in them, and he sneezed. Then he fell
out of his chair, and the first thing he saw was Naoko Moteuchi.
Akane: ...
Kasumi: They started making out right there. Then three days
later, he dumped her. [shakes her head] Those magic love
things...they just can't go the distance. They can't make
something that shouldn't exist last for long.
Akane: But Ryouga and Nabiki have been dating for months!
Kasumi: Exactly.
Akane: It still doesn't excuse what he did.
Kasumi: Haven't you ever done anything foolish for love, Akane?
Akane: [stares at the ground] Not over and over like that.
Kasumi: What he did was wrong, but he did stop without anyone
forcing him. And he tried to go away, to stop doing it before.
Akane: [sighs] I don't want to feud with Nabiki, but I'm
still...It's going to be a VERY long time before I can ever trust
Ryouga again.
Kasumi: It's a start. Peace isn't built in a day. Now, will you
help me figure out what I need to buy to keep us all fed?
Akane: [gets up] Okay.
Kasumi: Let's go.
***********
[Ranma finds himself in a valley that looks like Jyusenkyo, but
without any poles in the pools. Nor is the Guide's hut to be
seen]
Ranma: [looks around] What the...
[He sees a woman slowly descending the slopes into the valley.
She is tall and thin, beautiful, but sad, with long black hair,
probably European in origin from her skin tone and features]
Ranma: [runs across the valley, carefully avoiding the pools]
Hey, you!
[The woman looks up and blinks as he approaches. This takes a
while, even for Ranma]
Ranma: Don't fall in the pools!
Woman: [nods quietly] I know. The valley of the fallen is a
dangerous place even in daytime. That is why I have come to
cleanse it.
Ranma: [blinks] The valley of the fallen?
Woman: It was here that one of the first defeats at the hands
of the Things That Should Not Be occurred, long, long ago.
Ranma: The big furry thing and its funky flunkies?
Woman: [blinks, then peers at Ranma] Yes, you could say that.
[laughs faintly] A bit more comic than they deserve, but still.
[turns and gazes upon the valley] This will be dangerous.
Ranma: This looks a lot like a place I know...called Jyusenkyo.
Ever heard of it? [thinking] Have I been sent through time?
Woman: That is this place. Or will be. It is my final task on
my road. Do you know what the name means?
Ranma: Bad Luck Valley?
Woman: The Forge of Lives, in the Silver Tongue. [sighs] Which
few remember.
Ranma: The what?
Woman: [turns to the valley and spreads her arms wide as the
sun begins to set across the far end of the valley] I suggest you
get to high ground.
Ranma: I ain't afraid of nuthin.
Woman: So be it.
[As the sun sets, the valley floor becomes a sea of writhing
black mist, or more accurately, of clouds of mist, each chained
to a pool from which it erupts. The clouds nearest the woman
begin to close in on her and Ranma. She begins to sing in a
tongue Ranma does not know, and the mists boil, then begin to
turn the colors of the rainbow nearest her and Ranma. Slowly,
the rainbow colors spread through the valley, and each mist
sinks back into the ground. The woman visibly ages a little as
she overcomes each mist]
Ranma: You sure you can survive this?
Woman: [holds up a sign as she sings, which says] Who said I
planned to survive?
Ranma: ...
[Finally, the last of the mists have been turned into rainbow
clouds and sunk back into the ground, though now the whole
valley shimmers with faint iridescent light. The woman sags,
looking almost as old as Cologne]
Woman: It is done. The last of my errors is undone as best I
cannot undo it. If only I had never opened that box. [sighs]
Ranma: Box? [starts as he sees the sun is now coming up
behind her, which means he's been watching this all night]
Woman: [sags to her knees and looks up at the sky] I come to
you, my husband. [turns to Ranma] When I die, throw me into
that pool. [points to one of them] It will make my journey
easier.
Ranma: You don't want a grave?
Woman: I shall not need this body where I am going. [laughs] I
wonder if my husband and his brother will recognize me. [pulls
out a box from somewhere. It is small and ornately carved] He
probably already knows I'm coming. Take this.
Ranma: [takes it] Um, okay. What is it?
Woman: Once it held all the evils of the world. Now it holds
only something put into it by mistake. [pauses] Maybe.
Ranma: Mrr?
Woman: Open it when you are most desperate. [falls to her
knees] And remember that.. [coughs, and closes her eyes,
falling silent]
Ranma: Remember? Remember what?
Woman: [mumbles, then slumps over] What I told you. [a
stream of light coalesces from her eyes and mouth and rises
into the sky, vanishing into the dawn]
Ranma: ...
*****************
[We see a pair of male hands carving something onto Akane's
windowsill. Then the door opens and whoever it was leaps
through the window and vanishes]
Akane: [plops down on the bed] Yeesh, that was tiring. [looks
at the window] Did I leave that open again?
******************
[We see Kasumi and Susan looking around an apartment. It is
very spartan, with virtually no furniture except for a desk,
although it has a nice closet with a sliding door and a large
window]
Susan: It'll do for a start. Somewhere to live while I look for a
better one.
Kasumi: [frowns] I dunno. One of your potential neighbors gave
me a lewd look, and the old woman looked like a drunkard. And
that girl...parading around in her underwear in broad day light!
Susan: [shrugs] I'm used to a lot worse company. [laughs] I'll
have them all worshipping you yet.
Kasumi: Susan!
Susan: C'mon, let's go talk to the landlord. [they leave the
room, closing the door behind them. It has a pseudo-stained
glass window in it, with the number 'five' in the glass]
*************
[We see the 'Jyusenkyo for Idiots' book, still lying on the floor
of the Saotome hotel room. A female hand reaches down and
picks it up, then pages through it briefly. We hear soft
laughter]
*************
[We see Gosunkugi and Akemi over at Ucchan's. They are seated
at a table with Hitomi and Shinnosuke while Ukyou and Genma
take care of the customers]
Hitomi: So there you go. Help him out, we'll help you out.
Gosunkugi: [nervously] Well, I can try. I don't have a really
high success rate so far.
Shinnosuke: It can't make it any worse.
Akemi: Sure, we'll help you! My Hikaru-kun is a GREAT wizard!
We could use the spell of 900 Scintillating Candelabras!
Gosunkugi: Um, Akemi, where would we find 900 candelabras?
Akemi: The Spell of the Vacillitating Vole?
Gosunkugi: He loses his memories, not his armpit hair.
Akemi: [thinks] The Oath of the Unspeakable Word?
Gosunkugi: I never quite understood how that would work. And
that's not a very nice spell, anyway.
Hitomi: [sarcastically] The Admission of Complete Ineptitude?
Akemi: That's it!
Hitomi: ...
Shinnosuke: I never knew you studied magic, Hitomi.
Gosunkugi: Sure, begging Destiny is a LITTLE dangerous, but it
can't hurt. Much.
Hitomi: Define much.
Gosunkugi: It's never killed more than eight people.
Hitomi: ...
***************
[We see Shinnousuke, Akemi, Hitomi, and Gosunkugi upstairs at
Ucchan's in the guest room. They are standing, forming a
square]
Gosunkugi: Okay. Now, after I invoke the angels of the four
corners, then we do the Mashed Potato for exactly 23 beats.
Akemi, you clap out the beats. Hitomi, you will then stand on
your head. After that, Shinnosuke, you will step to the middle
of the square and repeat what I tell you to repeat.
Hitomi: Will this work even if I think it's stupid?
Gosunkugi: Just do your part.
Hitomi: If he steps into the middle, it won't be a square
anymore.
Gosunkugi: [frowns] Now I see why this keeps killing people.
Okay, someone get Ukyou up here.
[Akemi soon hustles Ukyou upstairs and explains everything]
Ukyou: So what do I do?
Gosunkugi: You'll be the fourth point. Shinnosuke, stand on her
shoulders and jump into the middle after Hitomi stands on her
head.
Akemi: Is that in the...
Gosunkugi: I'm improvising.
Hitomi: Will it ruin the ritual if I just go ahead and scream and
runaway now?
*************
[Hitomi is now on her head, and Shinnosuke leaps into the
middle of the square of people]
Shinnosuke: Okay!
Gosunkugi: I, Shinnosuke,
Shinnosuke: I, Shinnosuke,
Gosunkugi: Do humbly petition Destiny
Shinnosuke: Do humbly petition Destiny
Hitomi: To make this stupid ritual work so I can go home.
Gosunkugi: To make this stupid ritual...no, wait, that's not it!
Hitomi!
Shinnosuke: To make this stupid ritual...no, wait, that's not it!
Hitomi!
Hitomi: Finish it already! All the blood's rushing to my head!
[Mist begins to bubble up in the center of the square of people]
Shinnosuke: Is this how it's supposed to work?
Gosunkugi: Hitomi, you idiot!
Hitomi: Hey, I didn't make YOU mess up!
[The mist boils higher]
Ukyou: Do something, Gosunkugi!
Akemi: Umm...Let the mists be dissipated back to where they
came from! Let this be at an END! Umm...Mist, mist, go away,
come back again some other day! [frantically] Um, beam me up
Scotty...Ia! Ia! Cthlhu Ftaghn! Sim S...
Gosunkugi: Let everyone and everything present be returned to
their natural state!
[The mists swirl about, obscuring everyone]
Gosunkugi: This room's natural state is NOT FOGGY!
Mists: You didn't say the magic word.
Gosunkugi: Abracadabra? Sim Sim Salabim? Open Sesame?
Twenty Three Skidoo? Tanelorn? Woo woo woo? [thinks a
moment] SHAZAM! [suddenly, Gosunkugi is dressed as Captain
Marvel, although he looks just as wimpy as always. The fog
clears and everyone is naked, except him] Ack.
Hitomi: EEE!!!!!
Ukyou: AAAAAA!!!!!! [runs out of the room]
Akemi: [jumps behind Gosunkugi] Hey!
Shinnosuke: Where'd my clothing go?
Gosunkugi: At least I didn't say the state in which we entered
the world, eh?
Hitomi: [bonks him in the head] Don't make me hurt you!
Gosunkugi: But you just did.
Hitomi: ...
**************
[Somewhat later, we see the group fully clothed once more,
sitting around a table downstairs. Genma is sleeping on a
table]
Gosunkugi: Well, with some further study, I have good news and
bad news.
Shinnosuke: Okay.
Gosunkugi: The good news is that the curse will grow weaker
over time.
Shinnosuke: That's great!
Gosunkugi: Each generation will have less of it than the
previous one, and in about seven generations, it will wear off
completely.
Shinnosuke: That doesn't help me.
Akemi: [hands a purple ribbon to Shinnosuke] If you wear this,
then once a day, for fifteen minutes, you can use it to have
perfect memories.
Shinnosuke: [takes the ribbon] Well, it's better than nothing.
Hitomi: [frowns] And that's all you can do?
Gosunkugi: I could set him on fire.
Ukyou: [laughs] Can you do something about Mr. Saotome being
lazy?
Gosunkugi: I could set him on fire.
[We see Genma LEAP off the table and start sweeping up]
****************
[We see Ranma still standing in the shimmering valley.
Suddenly, he is in the middle of what looks like an ever
accelerating stop motion film as dozens, hundreds, thousands
of years pass in minutes. He is starting to sway on the verge of
passing out from repeated, rapid climactic changes. Suddenly,
time slows back down as a group of women enter the valley,
carrying bamboo poles, which they start sticking in the various
pools]
Ranma: The pools are cursed! Stay away from them!
[One of the women looks at him, blinks, then goes back to her
work. Ranma runs around, trying to warn them, but they pay no
attention to him. Then they start tossing various animals in
the pools and rather callously watching them drown]
Ranma: Hey! [sees an octopus get thrown in one pool] Well,
that does answer that, but...you can't just slaughter all these
animals!
[They ignore him, so he tries to stop them and soon finds
himself hog-tied and being held over a pool]
Ranma: NO!!!!!
[*Splash!* Ranma falls in the pool and changes, then begins to
drown]
Ranma: [last thought] You know, I think this is the pool I fell
into to get this curse.
*************
[We see Nodoka wandering all over town looking for Ranma. She
doesn't look very happy.]
Shampoo: [approaches Nodoka] Have you seen Ranma?
Nodoka: [shakes her head] I've been looking all over for him.
Shampoo: [frowns] Shampoo about to leave Japan for a while.
Wanted to see if Ranma would come with Shampoo.
Nodoka: He's...[sighs] You never give up, do you.
Shampoo: Just like Ranma.
Nodoka: ...
Shampoo: But Shampoo may not have much choice. Boat leaves
in two hours.
Nodoka: Well, if you want to look with me, feel free. I'm about
to go back to the hotel and grab some lunch, then search some
more.
Shampoo: Sounds good to Shampoo.
***********
[We see Shinnosuke, Hitomi, Genma, and Ukyou grabbing some
lunch before the lunch rush starts]
Shinnosuke: So what do you plan to do in the long term?
Ukyou: Go get a business degree, run my shop, maybe eventually
start a chain.
Hitomi: Sounds kinda boring to me.
Genma: Be quiet, child. Don't stomp on people's dreams.
Ukyou: [thinking] Too late for that. [speaking] What are you
going to do, Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: Be the guardian of the Ryugenzawa, I think. Like
Dad and Grandpa, and everyone way back to the sixteenth
century or so when Tokugawa put my way distant ancestor in
charge. [finishes off his okonomiyaki] I'd been thinking of
going and getting a forestry degree, though, or biology or
something like that, but I've never really gone to school.
Genma: A true martial artist has no need of fancy degrees.
Shinnosuke: [nods] Yeah.
Hitomi: [mutters to herself]
Genma: [to Shinnosuke] Hmm. How are you going to find
someone to marry you to carry on the family line, though, living
in the forest?
Shinnosuke: [sighs] I don't know. A tourist, I suppose, even
though it's really not smart for tourists to come to
Ryugenzawa. I'll probably meet her soon.
Ukyou: How can you be so confident?
Shinnosuke: Every male in my family usually meets his future
bride by the age of eighteen. It's just a weird knack we have.
How did your parents get married?
Genma: They both tried to con the same business man with the
same con, by sheer random chance. After spending a while in a
jail cell together, they fell in love and eventually married.
Hitomi: Dad saved Mom from a rampaging giant wombat.
Ukyou: ...
Shinnosuke: Dad claimed Mom rode into the forest on the back
of a unicorn, but since there aren't any unicorns in Ryugenzawa
that I know of, I'm really not sure.
Ukyou: Mom ate some of Dad's cooking and just sort of decided
to never leave his store ever again.
[Everyone turns and stares at her]
Ukyou: Dad's good. Unfortunately, there was an earthquake. A
giant worm thing carried Mom off and we couldn't afford to
rebuild, so Dad and I hit the road, where we met Ranma. You
know the rest.
Hitomi: [dubiously] A giant worm thing.
Shinnosuke: We have several dozen in Ryugenzawa, Hitomi. It's
perfectly plausible. And a giant tunnelling squid ate Uncle
Seiji after he stole its marble.
Hitomi: Its marble?
Shinnosuke: Some big round stone, about two foot across,
looked like a good tiger's eye marble, but not quite as
translucent. [shrugs] Weird, eh?
Ukyou: Not as weird as some things I've seen.
*************
[We see Shampoo and Nodoka walk into the Saotome hotel room.
As they open the door, a glowing figure appears in the middle of
the room. It looks like Akemi...if she was translucent]
Translucent-Akemi: BWAHAHAHAH!!! I have your son, and soon,
I will sacrifice him to my dark master! And nothing you can do
can stop me!
Nodoka: ...
Shampoo: YOU! [charges the translucent Akemi, but flies right
through it, crashing into the wall]
Holo-Akemi: In three hours, I will sacrifice your husband,
Shampoo. Too bad you'll be on a slow boat to China, eh?
Shampoo: Hah! I know where you live! I'll rip you apart.
Holo-Akemi: But I'm not living there since you kidnapped my
lover, the evil sorceror's parents.
Shampoo: If you kill Ranma, Shampoo will kill his parents!
Holo-Akemi: [shrugs] Go right ahead. We care nothing for such
things. We live only for EVIL!
Nodoka: [frowns] And I thought she was a nice girl.
Holo-Akemi: Then we'll have Panda for dinner.
Nodoka: [big eyes] Not...
Holo-Akemi: Hey, he's a lazy bum, right? You should thank us
for taking him off your hands. And you'll never find us at
Uky...oops.
Shampoo: The damn Spatula girl! Shampoo always knew she
was evil!
[They both run off. The Holo-Akemi laughs and laughs and
laughs]
Holo-Akemi: What fools these mortals be.
*************
[We see a nervous looking postman at the Tendo house. He
knocks, but looks like he expects to be bitten]
Nabiki: [answers the door] What's...oh, hi! [smiles] Don't
worry, all the maniacs are gone right now.
Nervous Postman: Are you... [reads a note] Tendo Kasumi?
Nabiki: I'm her sister.
Nervous Postman: [hands her a postal slip] Sign here, please.
Nabiki: [glances at the slip, which is just a normal
acknowlegement of delivery form] What is this?
Nervous Postman: [looks at the box, hesitantly] Looks like
cosmetics. [looks around] Are you sure no one's gonna crash
through the wall?
Nabiki: [laughs] Not used to this route yet?
Nervous Postman: First day, but I've heard stories. The panda
isn't really a cannibal, is it?
Nabiki: If he was a cannibal, he'd eat pandas. [signs the slip]
Anything else?
Nervous Postman: Ummm... [hands her a sheaf of envelopes] And
one more funky thing. [goes back to his postal cart, and pulls
out a huge stone box. He staggers with the weight of it] Some
whacko labelled this with nordic runes, and it took forever for
them to figure out where to send it to. It's for some Ryouga
guy. Hibiki Ryouga.
Nabiki: Umm...lemme go get him. I don't think I can lift that.
[She soon brings out Ryouga]
Ryouga: Dang. I wonder if it's from Mom and Dad.
Nabiki: Why would they send it in a huge stone chest with
nordic runes on it? One of your relatives a viking?
Ryouga: Well, Dad once claimed Erik the Red was a Hibiki.
[hefts the box] Anything else?
Nervous Postman: No, that's enough damage for one day. [gulps]
That's all. BYE! [leaps in the postal cart and drives off]
Nabiki: [picks up the big box of cosmetics] Yeesh, this is heavy.
Kasumi must buy in bulk. [pauses] A good idea, really. [looks
at the box and sounds out the label, which is in English]
M...a..r..y...K...a...y. She sure sent Kasumi a LOT of cosmetics.
Ryouga: [crashes through the wall since he can't see over the
box] Help.
[They finally manage to stumble through the house, putting the
envelopes on the kitchen table, the big box for Kasumi in her
room, and then they go to Nabiki's room to open the big stone
box, which makes the floor sag]
Nabiki: ...
Ryouga: Hmm. It's locked shut. No key, either.
Nabiki: [sighs] I don't suppose you can read the runes and see
who sent it?
Ryouga: [sounds out the runes, translating as he goes]
Danger...Will...Robinson...Danger...Squiggle...Squoggle...This...end...u
p...Fahrvegneugen...uber...alles. [frowns] I think whoever wrote
these had bad handwriting.
Nabiki: I thought you were just trying to be funny.
Ryouga: It's like they carved these runes with a horn or
something. They're shaped funny and some of them don't look
right. Hmm. The return address is some cave in Sweden. I
can't even read the name. Something about a squirrel.
Nabiki: [blinks] A squirrel from Sweden mailed you something?
Ryouga: A seriously rich squirrel. The postage on this must
have been hideous. [fiddles with it, and finally manages to pry
it open with a crowbar, as the lock is rusty. It flies open,
revealing a thick one foot spear, a letter written in runes, and a
large golden helmet. When Ryouga picks up the letter, there is
also a silver necklace with five opals and a small pouch of
coins under it. Ryouga tosses the necklace to Nabiki] Here ya
go. Lemme try and read this.
Nabiki: [looking inside] What use is a one foot long spear?
[puts on the necklace and looks in the mirror] This thing is
pretty valuable. Someone really likes you.
Ryouga: [reading the letter] Oh, this is from that Dragon we
met a month ago. It's in apology for destroying our house. The
spear is a expandible duplicate of Gungnir. The helmet is a
'fliegenhelm of kinder bar', whatever that means. The necklace
makes its wearer immune to poison.
Nabiki: I'm tempted to give it to Ranma. He'll need it.
Ryouga: I thought you were mad at him.
Nabiki: I don't like him very much, but if he's going to marry
Akane, he'd need it. However, I think I'll keep it; it's really
pretty and I could probably use it too. And the coins?
Ryouga: [tosses the coins to Nabiki] See if you can identify
them. He says he just grabbed some of the duplicates in his
coin collection.
Nabiki: [gets out a jeweler's glass, puts it on, and starts
looking, consulting a book from her bookcase] Hmm. Crusader
coin, issued by the King of Jerusalem in 1134 AD. Ohh, a rare
double Anthony Solidus from 30 BC or so. A Babylonian silver
coin with Nebuchanezzar. [moving faster and faster] Two
Drachmas issued to celebrate the battle of Salamis. A silver
coin I can't find, but with hebrew inscriptions and some king on
it. A wooden nickel. [laughs] A bronze coin? A gold coin with
an inscription in greek...something about Lydia. A gold coin
with a latin inscription proclaiming some Pope...Well, once I
sell these, we'll never have to worry about being poor. [laughs]
Maybe I'll reinforce the dojo with battleship plate.
Ryouga: [picks up the spear] Let's see. Probably you just flick
your wrist and... [flicks his wrist. The spear extends to seven
feet long and glows] Cool. And to retract it, you... [reads from
the letter] Hang from the tree of wisdom for seven days.
Nabiki: ...
Ryouga: I think I'll just keep it extended. [puts down the spear]
Let's see about the helmet. [puts it on. It is too big, but
suddenly adjusts to fit his head] Eep.
Nabiki: I wish my clothing did that.
Ryouga: Okay, helmet, do something.
[Ryouga fires through the ceiling like a rocket, punching a hole]
Nabiki: ...
[Far above the dojo, Ryouga looks panicked]
Ryouga: Down! Put me down!
[Ryouga plummets, crashing through the floor of Nabiki's room,
then down through the floor of the room under it and into the
ground]
Ryouga: More slowly, okay? [dusts himself off. Then the stone
chest falls through the hole he made and clonks him in the head]
Ack. [thunks over]
****************
[We see Ranma-chan come to, lying on a simple canvas and wood
cot in a crude log house]
Ranma-chan: Didn't I drown?
Girl: [tall and ugly, but very well muscled and toned, dressed in
a simple cotton shift. She looks European or possibly Middle
Eastern, with Caucasian features, but a dark complexion and
long black hair] We saved you, just in time. We'd thought we'd
thrown a guy in, but then we saw you.
Ranma-chan: Why did you drown all those animals?
Girl: Artemis told us to. We are to make of that valley a great
training ground, but those who train there will risk taking the
form of an animal. [pauses] I suppose whoever falls in the one
you fell in would take the form of a woman. [laughs] Not quite
so scary, eh? Oh, I'm Helen. Nice to meet you. And you are?
Ranma-chan: [nervously] Ranko.
Helen: Are you a local or a traveller like us? I haven't seen
anyone around here with red hair.
Ranma-chan: [sits up] I'm from Japan.
Helen: From what? Where's that?
Ranma-chan: Across the ocean.
Helen: We're originally from the far west, but we had to flee
after all that trouble with Hercules. [frowns] We shouldn't
have run away.
Ranma-chan: [thinks] Um, what year is this?
Helen: The five hundred and thirtieth year since the founding of
our nation.
Ranma-chan: What's that in AD?
Helen: I've never been there.
Ranma-chan: So you're an Amazon?
Helen: [nods]
Ranma-chan: So does Helen mean Bodyspray in Greek or
something?
Helen: Eh?
Ranma-chan: [sighs] Never mind.
*************
[We see Ukyou, Genma, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi busilly working
during the lunch rush at Ucchan's, when Shampoo and Nodoka
come storming in the door]
Shampoo: YOU HUSSY! [charges Ukyou]
Nodoka: Come out, you cowards! What have you done with my
son?
Genma: What, Nodoka-chan?
Nodoka: My own husband has thrown in with the enemy! DIE!
[charges Genma, who screams and runs]
Ukyou: [can't bring her spatula, which has five okonomiyaki on
it, around fast enough and gets clocked by Shampoo. The food
goes flying and lands on several customers who yell angrily]
What are you DOING?
Shampoo: [berserkly] Shampoo knows what you're up to!
Shinnosuke: What is going on?
Hitomi: She's a moron, but I can't let you beat her up while I'm
living here! [charges Shampoo, who turns and swats Hitomi
down like a bug, even with her magic broom]
Shampoo: [turns to face Ukyou] Stupid Street Sweeper Girl
won't stop Shampoo!
Ukyou: [smacks Shampoo in the knees with her spatula, then
hooks Shampoo's glasses, sending them flying] Hey, I'm trying
to SERVE food here! Fight me later!
Shampoo: [attacks a customer] There you are!
Shinnosuke: I don't know who you are, but I won't stand for
this! [charges Shampoo. She's a better fighter, but can't see
well, and he's hacked off, which makes it fairly even. Until
Ukyou whacks Shampoo in the head from behind]
Shampoo: No...Ranma...Shampoo...will...save you. [thunk]
Ukyou: What is she TALKING about?
Shinnosuke: I have no idea.
Ukyou: [frowns] Maybe something has happened to Ranma.
**************
[We see Akane in her room, busily trying to read, and frowning]
Akane: Stupid Ranma. He was supposed to come at lunch with
me. Where is he?
[P-chan appears in the window]
Akane: [frowns at him] Go the hell away, Ryouga.
[P-chan does a little insulting dance and moons her]
Akane: RYOUGA, YOU BASTARD! [runs at P-chan, then leaps at
him. He sidesteps and she goes through the window and
vanishes in a poof of smoke]
P-chan: Bwee ha ha ha.
***************
[We see Nabiki down in the living room with Ryouga, putting ice
on his head. Kasumi comes out of the kitchen]
Kasumi: Akane went upstairs, didn't she?
Nabiki: Hey, a big box of cosmetics came for you.
Kasumi: [blinks] Really?
Nabiki: Yeah. A LOT of them. Some Mary Kay woman sent them.
Kasumi: [smiles] How nice of her. I'll go check.
[She goes upstairs and looks in Akane's room. The window is
open, but there is no Akane. She goes and shuts the window]
Kasumi: I suppose Ranma came in the window to avoid Nabiki.
[sighs] Maybe the makeup will cheer me up.
[She goes to her room and opens the box. A two foot sphere of
iridescent basalt is in the box, along with enough styrofoam
peanuts for an army, and a small bottle of purple hair dye]
Kasumi: [scratches her head] Maybe this is some kind of weird
bubble bath product? A soap? [checks the hair dye: All Natural
Purple Hair Dye--Look just like the grape you've always wanted
to be] ... [laughs] Well, I've been needing a good bath. I guess
we'll see if this thing works.
*************
[We see Ukyou has closed down her shop, and she, Shinnosuke,
and Hitomi have taken Shampoo upstairs and have been trying
unsuccessfully to interrogate her]
Ukyou: You think we're going to kill Ranma? But I would never
hurt Ranchan!
Shampoo: You're in league with the evil sorceror and his evil
woman! You made Shampoo blind like Mousse and now you want
to kill Shampoo's love!
Hitomi: Uhuh. I say we mail her back to her village.
Shinnosuke: Evil sorceror?
Shampoo: Creepy boy!
Ukyou: Gosunkugi.
[We see Shelf at the door]
Shelf: Sorry about this. Shampoo, WHAT are you doing?
Shampoo: Shampoo has to kill the people who want to kill
Ranma!
Shelf: No one wants to kill Ranma. [picks up Shampoo] My
apologies. You people have nothing to do with this. [drags off a
screaming Shampoo]
Hitomi: Finally, someone sensible.
Ukyou: [frowns] I have a bad feeling about this.
*************
[We see the Bishoujo Kitsune shaking The Idiot's Guide to
Jyusenkyo, over and over. She is in Desire's lair.]
Bishoujo Kitsune: Hmm, he's stuck.
[Ranma-chan falls out of the book]
Desire: She's stuck.
Ranma-chan: I'm a GUY!
Desire: Same difference. Stuck is stuck.
Ranma-chan: Where am I?
Desire: My beautiful home. The realm of Desire. Where
anything I want is real.
Ranma-chan: [looks around] Looks butt-ugly to me.
Bishoujo Kitsune: So where's my century lotus?
Desire: While this one's antics amuse me, she is not who I
want. I want the heads of the sorceror and his magical whore
on a plate. That is what I told you to bring me. What use is he?
Bishoujo Kitsune: Surely you can understand what she is.
Ranma-chan: HE!
Desire: [conjures a chair for her and BK, leaving Ranma
standing] Tell me.
Bishoujo Kitsune: She is the focus of so many people's desires.
She is what makes you strong in Nerima. And with her gone, my
husband and I can make her seem to do whatever is necessary to
turn everyone on those you hate. But we have to make sure
she's out of the way.
Desire: I am not a jailor.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, she's not a jailor!
Bishoujo Kitsune: Do you want this to work?
Desire: Yes.
Bishoujo Kitsune: I can't ride herd over her AND carry out your
vengeance.
Ranma-chan: You can't hold me here!
[Desire gestures and she and the BK vanish]
Ranma-chan: Cowards! [starts looking for a way out]
**************
[Cut to the Tendo Bathroom. Kasumi is in the bathtub with the
big stone sphere. It isn't producing any bubbles]
Kasumi: I wonder if it was supposed to be heated first or
something. [lies back in the hot water] Oh well, I'll just relax.
[sinks back into the water, rests her head on the edge of the
tub, and closes her eyes]
****************
[Cut to a boat leaving Tokyo Bay. We see the Amazon Brigade on
board. Shampoo is hog-tied with Shelf sitting on her]
Shampoo: NO! Shampoo has to find RANMA!
Shelf: You were tricked by some sorcery, Shampoo.
Shampoo: Even Ranma's mother agreed with Shampoo!
Cologne: [frowns] We will make them come to us. No one can
beat a sorceror on his home ground. You should know that,
Shampoo.
Mousse: Cologne is right.
Showercap: [pops up] And that's so rare you should savor the
moment.
Cologne: Hey!
Showercap: Be quiet, KID.
Cologne: I am not a kid!
Showercap: You are now, even more than you were before.
[grins] At least Gosunkugi didn't beat you too. Although I wish
he had. If I could force both of you to marry him...woo, I'd be in
heaven!
Cologne: Shampoo will be getting her revenge on him, not
marrying him.
Showercap: [laughs] We'll see.
************
[Dinnertime at the Tendo Household. Nabiki, Ryouga, and Soun
are seated at the table, looking expectant]
Nabiki: Hey, Kasumi, what's for dinner?
[Silence]
Soun: Where's Akane?
Nabiki: Run off with her idiot boyfriend again. [shrugs] She
can't try to cook if she's gone.
Soun: [frowns] Nabiki.
Ryouga: [frowns] Nabiki.
Nabiki: Do any of you WANT to eat her cooking?
[silence]
Ryouga: You know, I don't smell any food cooking.
Nabiki: [looks in the kitchen] Hey, no Kasumi!
Soun: But...but...who will feed us?
Nabiki: Let's search the house. Something must have happened
to her!
[They all run in three different directions. We see Soun
upstairs, poking into various bedrooms. We see Nabiki outside.
We see Ryouga in the hallway]
Ryouga: Okay, this is her bedroom. [opens the doors and walks
in. It's the bathroom antechamber] ... [looks around] Kasumi?
[There are yawning noises from the bathroom]
Kasumi: Did someone say something?
Ryouga: Hey, Kasumi, are you taking a bath? Didn't you say
dinner would be ready at six?
Kasumi: It's only three or so, right?
Ryouga: [looks at his wrist. He has no watch] Umm. No. I
think.
Kasumi: I'll have dinner ready soon! [thinking] I feel so
relaxed.
************
[We see Shinnosuke, Hitomi, and Ukyou busily playing poker
again after closing up shop]
Shinnosuke: I bid three.
Hitomi: I see your three and raise you twenty.
Shinnosuke: ...
Ukyou: I see the twenty three and raise five.
Shinnosuke: How can you bid twenty eight tricks with only 13
possible?
Ukyou: What?
Shinnosuke: This is Spades, right?
Hitomi: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! [leaps to her feet] I'm going for
a walk. I can't stand this. [runs off]
Shinnosuke: Hitomi! [starts to get up, but Ukyou grabs him]
Ukyou: Just let her relax. She doesn't have much patience, and I
think she's starting to feel cooped up.
Shinnosuke: [sits down by Ukyou] I can't blame her. I drive her
nuts, even though she does so much to help me.
Ukyou: [sighs] So what you wanna do?
Shinnosuke: Well, Poker is fine, as long as I can remember
we're playing it.
Ukyou: [laughs] How about Strip Poker? Hard to forget that.
[thinking] I shouldn't tease him, but he blushes so funnily.
Shinnosuke: Okay. [picks up the cards and starts shuffling]
Even I can't forget that.
Ukyou: [blushes, thinking] He's taking me seriously! [looks at
Shinnosuke, thinking] He won't remember. He'll forget halfway
through. I wouldn't mind seeing him with his...control, Ukyou.
Control. If we're going to play strip poker, we might as well go
straight to mad passionate sex. Which wouldn't be half bad.
[blushes a LOT, thinking] Down girl, down! No biscuit!
Shinnosuke: Just one item per hand, okay? Otherwise we both
end up naked way too fast.
Ukyou: [faintly] You've done this before?
Shinnosuke: My family has really whacko Christmas parties.
[shuffles] This'll be the first time I won't pass out halfway
through the game, though.
Ukyou: ...
Shinnosuke: You know the rules, right?
Ukyou: Umm...five card draw? Stud?
Shinnosuke: [blushes] You think I'm a stud?
Ukyou: ...
Shinnosuke: [deals out the first hand] You can throw in as many
cards as you want after the first bet, or fold immediately. Oh,
and you can wear all the clothing you win and use it to bet
later. But if you collapse from the weight of the clothing, you
lose.
Ukyou: ...
*************
[We see a giant wombat! Okay, actually, the scene shifts to
Gosunkugi's bedroom. He looks gloomy.]
Gosunkugi: Great. Ranma and Akane are missing, and Ranma's
mom thinks we're to blame.
Akemi: Well, Ryouga said he would help, and we'll have Ukyou,
Shinnosuke, and Hitomi.
Gosunkugi: We need Ranma or we're toast! What if he's run off
to marry Shampoo?
Akemi: [laughs] I don't think so. I bet he and Akane just
wanted some privacy [hugs Gosunkugi] Don't worry. We'll get
your parents back.
Gosunkugi: Some master sorceror I am. [sighs]
Akemi: You were a great sorceror in Hyperborea.
Gosunkugi: Too bad this isn't Hyperborea. [sighs] How can you
be so sure that was me?
Akemi: I know your soul.
Gosunkugi: Any way for me to get all my old sorcery knowlege
back?
Akemi: All the ways are too dangerous. But you've got the
talent. You just need practice. And this'll be great for that.
Gosunkugi: I wish I had your confidence.
Akemi: [quietly] All the confidence I have is yours, for it
comes from how much I know you.
Gosunkugi: [gulps] I hope I can fulfill your trust.
Akemi: You will.
**************
[We see Ranma-chan pounding on the walls]
Ranma-chan: Can't I at least have some hot water?
[Boiling hot water falls on her]
Ranma: You can't do this to me!
[Silence]
********************
[We see Akane in a stone room similar to the one Ranma is in]
Akane: RYOUGA YOU BASTARD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
[The door opens and Desire walks in]
Desire: You want revenge on him?
Akane: Yes!
Desire: I can help you, if want help.
Akane: Just point me to him!
Desire: [holds out a long, elaborate contract] Sign here, and I
swear I will aid your revenge.
[Akane signs and Desire laughs]
***************
[Ukyou and Shinnosuke are down to their underwear. She is
blushing a lot, while he seems unaffected]
Shinnosuke: I did mention you can wear all the clothing you
win, right?
[There are large piles of each other's clothing by each of them]
Ukyou: [nervously] None of your stuff fits me right.
Shinnosuke: Oh, right. And I couldn't wear a...oh wait, you're
still wearing that.
Ukyou: [thinking] Not for long with this hand. Why am I doing
this? [pauses, then thinks] Because I'm hoping we'll end up in
bed. Then why don't I just grab him? [pauses, then thinks]
Because I'm afraid he'll forget what he's doing. Or say no.
Especially that he'll say no.
Shinnosuke: I bid five.
Ukyou: This isn't Spades.
Shinnosuke: Oh, right. Well, I did play Strip Spades once, but it
didn't work too well.
Ukyou: [nervously] Did you ever play to the point where
someone ended up naked?
Shinnosuke: Aunt Mei always ends up naked. [shudders] Not
something you wanna see. Usually that's when I pass out.
[smiles] I'm sure you look much better naked than she does.
Ukyou: [looks around nervously] When will Hitomi be back?
Shinnosuke: It'll be a while. That was a major snit.
Hitomi: [from the hallway] I'm going to bed, people! Goodnight!
[footsteps recede]
Ukyou: Well, that answers that.
Shinnosuke: Strip poker always embarrasses her anyway.
[blushes slightly] And me, sometimes. But I feel comfortable
about it with you.
Ukyou: [mumbles] I wish I wasn't so nervous, then.
Shinnosuke: I'm sorry, I didn't realize it would embarrass you.
But since you suggested it, and I tend to forget what game I'm
playing otherwise...
Ukyou: [quietly] Is that the only reason?
Shinnosuke: Well, I was wondering if you look as good without
clothing as with. [pauses] Did I really say that?
Ukyou: [gulps and moves closer, incredibly nervously] Wanna
find out? [thinking] I've gone mad. If he says no, I'll die.
Shinnosuke: [gulps] Sure.
[This is not a lemon story, so what happens next is left as an
exercise for the reader]
**************
[We see Ranma, who is watching what was left as an exercise
for the reader through a magic mirror as Desire stands nearby.
Or to be more precise, he's trying to not watch, but can't quite
help himself, so he keeps turning back and forth]
Desire: [laughs] I take it you are regretting letting her go.
Ranma: [frowns] Did you bring me here to torment me? This
probably is just a trick of yours, whoever you are!
Desire: I wish. This is quite real. Surely you did not think she
would pine away for you forever? [smiles] Or is that what you
really wanted? That all four of them revolve around you
forever?
Ranma: I never wanted to make them unhappy!
Desire: But you don't want them to be happy without you.
Ranma: [points at Desire] Damn you! Don't tell me what I want!
Desire: That's my job. To make people want. You were one of
the finest tools I've ever forged for that. Now I just have to
figure out how to make you work correctly again.
Ranma: You can't make me do nothing! [sneaks a peek at the
mirror] I can't believe she...she never...
Desire: [smiles] It hurts, does it not? To lose her love?
Ranma: [frowns] Shut up.
Desire: To know she has given someone else something she
never gave you.
Ranma: I didn't want her to give it to me!
Desire: [raises an eyebrow] Then why does this displease you?
Do you think he means to harm her?
Ranma: [curtly] No.
Desire: Do you think he forced her into this?
Ranma: No.
Desire: Then why is she not free to give her love to whomever
she pleases?
Ranma: Because it...because...you did something to her! I can
tell!
Desire: I tried to make her seduce you. Clearly, that is not you
she seduced.
Ranma: Ucchan wouldn't just jump into bed with Shinnosuke so
fast!
Desire: [laughs] You never really understood her. She would
have jumped into bed with you if you had so desired. She loved
you with all her heart, but you rejected her. And now she loves
him. Ukyou changes on the drop of a coin. Haven't you noticed
that?
Ranma: [shouts] She does not! She's my friend, and I probably
know her better than I know myself!
Desire: [laughs louder] Given you don't know yourself well,
that says little.
Ranma: You did this! [points to the mirror]
Desire: You're just jealous. How delightful. [smiles]
Ranma: I am NOT jealous!
Desire: As you like. Doesn't it stir you to watch them rut?
Ranma: SHUT UP!
Desire: [shrugs] You don't fight girls. You can't hurt me if I
don't attack you.
Ranma: [shudders] I can't tell if you're a guy or a girl.
Desire: I've borne children, though I've shaped far more than
I've borne. Like you.
Ranma: You ain't never made me do nothing!
Desire: There's very little you've ever done that didn't feed me.
[grins] Though your would-be lovers were even more
delectable. [turns and watches the mirror] Nine of ten says he
forgets what he's doing at some point.
Ranma: You trying to provoke me? Fine! Come and get me!
Desire: Nope. I'm just going to relax and watch this. And so
will you.
Ranma: [turns away] You can't make me.
Ukyou's Voice: [from the mirror] I love you, Shinnosuke.
Ranma: [winces visibly] Damn you.
Desire: [smirks] Oh, now you're cursing your best friend?
Ranma: DAMN YOU, WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE!
Desire: I am Desire, one of the Endless.
Ranma: Bullshit!
Desire: [sidles over to Ranma] I think you like watching this.
Ranma: I'd rather burn in Hell!
Desire: That can be arranged. So you want out of here?
Ranma: Yes!
Desire: You want to go stop them from doing what they're
doing.
Ranma: Yes! No! [pauses and glares] Damn you!
Desire: It is tempting to send you, but I must keep you out of
the game until the full hand is played. One by one, I will
eliminate their guardians, until no one is left who can protect
my enemies. And since you are already off the board, it would
be foolish to send you back, no matter how much wonderful
trouble you would make by popping in on their assignation.
Ranma: Ucchan wouldn't do no...uh, whatever you said.
Desire: Boy, you need a vocabulary implant.
*************
[We see Nabiki asleep in her room. She wakes up, hearing a loud
noise]
Nabiki: [in her pajamas] Someone there?
[There is a flash of lightning, and we see Genma silhouetted in
the window. He has an axe, and is dripping wet]
Nabiki: [frowns and gets out of bed] All right, who's snuck into
my room? This isn't funny.
[Genma tosses Ryouga's head onto the floor]
Genma: Neither was throwing us out. But now we're even.
[laughs maniacally]
Nabiki: [sees Ryouga's head] Ryouga! [runs over to the head and
cries] Ryouga! No!
Genma: [laughs] You shouldn't have messed with me.
Nabiki: [stands up] You bastard! I can't believe you killed
Ryouga because of... [stares at Genma] Why aren't you a panda?
Genma: [blinks in surprise] I'm supposed to be a panda?
Nabiki: [eyes narrow] You're dripping wet.
Genma: [raises an eyebrow] I am human, right?
Nabiki: [frowns] Unlike everyone else in this ward, I am not an
idiot. Who the hell are you, really? I may not like Mr. Saotome,
but I won't let anyone trick me this easily. [looks down at the
head] Nice fake.
Genma: [raises the axe] It's all real! I killed him, really!
Nabiki: What's your favorite game?
Genma: Umm...curling.
Nabiki: What's your son's name?
Genma: Ummm...Ryouga?
Nabiki: Why did I throw you out?
Genma: Because I was cheating on you?
Nabiki: [laughs faintly] I bet this isn't even my room. [walks
over to the wall] Probably just a stage prop. I don't know what
your game is, but... [pulls back a fist]
Genma: No! Don't do that! I'll chop you up!
Nabiki: That's probably just a rubber axe.
Genma: [chops the bed in half] Quite real.
Nabiki: [tensely] I'm not afraid of you. You don't think I grew
up in a dojo without learning martial arts, do you? Don't make
me use my...Martial Arts Accounting on you.
Genma: Yeah, right. There's no such thing. [hefts the axe] Now,
be scared and angry at me like you're supposed to, okay?
Nabiki: [punches the wall, which falls down. The entire
bedroom dissolves away into the mists] Well, not QUITE what I
expected.
Genma: [charges her with the axe] Sorry, but I'll get in trouble
if you don't die horribly like you're supposed to.
Nabiki: [turns around] Maybe I'm dreaming this.
Genma: No, no, this is real! Honest!
Nabiki: So it is a dream.
Genma: No!
Nabiki: Then where are we?
Genma: Umm...the highlands of Scotland. Yeah, that's it.
[the mists swirl and part, revealing a boggy moor with lots of
sleeping sheep]
Nabiki: [looks around] I prefer Las Vegas.
[Bink. Instant Las Vegas, complete with policemen dressed as
Elvis]
Genma: No! We're in Scotland!
[The landscape begins to change]
Nabiki: In the middle of the battle of Flodden Field. With you in
a Scottish army uniform.
[Suddenly, they are surrounded by a swirling battle of pikemen
and cavalrymen, with muskets firing wildly everywhere. A
squad of English pikemen chase 'Genma' off into the distance]
Nabiki: And then suddenly it was 'We love Queen Nabiki Day' at
the Tendo Imperium.
[The battle turns into a high tech palace with an army of
scantily clad male servants all grovelling at Nabiki's feet while
an endless array of mayors present her expensive gifts]
Nabiki: [smiles] Now THIS is how a dream should be.
[Suddenly, the entire palace collapses, nearly killing Nabiki. A
dapper little man strides out of the mists]
Mr. Mujaki: This will NOT do.
Nabiki: [stares at him] So this is your doing.
Mr. Mujaki: You're a smart one. Too smart. I should have just
tricked your sister into killing you instead of your boyfriend.
Nabiki: [sighs] I won't believe you unless you have proof.
Mr. Mujaki: Well, you won't wake up until he's already dead.
Assuming my partners did their job, anyway.
Nabiki: [frowns] Who are you, and what do you want?
Mr. Mujaki: I'm not the sort of idiot who explains their plans to
their victims.
Nabiki: Mists, show me his plans.
[The mists show Mr. Mujaki talking to Desire]
Mr. Mujaki (Vision): I should have become the new lord of
dreams, not this Daniel moron!
Desire (Vision): [smiles] You help me, and I can help you.
Mr. Mujaki: Mists, don't show her anything!
Nabiki: Mists, show the Lord of Dreams what this guy has been
up to. [grins]
Mr. Mujaki: No! Don't do it!
[A bird forms from the mists and flies off into them]
Mr. Mujaki: [starts to run after the bird] Come back here!
Nabiki: Mists, drop an anvil on him.
[*WHAM!*]
***********
[We see Akane trying to climb to the Tendo roof while holding a
butcher knife in one hand. She slips and falls to the ground.
*WHAM!* Ryouga wakes up on the roof]
Ryouga: [blinks groggily] Did I hear someone? [peers over the
edge] Akane! [leaps down to her, picks her up, and carries her
inside. The knife is left outside] What were you doing?
Akane: [mumbles while unconscious] Pudding.
Ryouga: ...
***************
[We see Ranma sitting with his eyes closed and his ears plugged
in the room with Desire]
Desire: Hmm. Looks like Akane and Ryouga are doing something
together.
Ranma: I can't hear you.
Desire: Oh my, now they're ripping each other's clothing off.
Ranma: [twitches] Liar.
Desire: I thought you couldn't hear me.
Ranma: I was talking to my father.
Desire: I wish. I tried to seduce your mother once, but
then...well, I'd rather not remember that night. It would be too
dangerous to play this game with you if you did bear the blood
of the Endless.
Ranma: Why?
Desire: Those who shed the blood of their family will be hunted
by the Furies to the ends of the Earth, until their death comes.
And any child of any of the Endless counts as family of mine.
Even though indirect causation doesn't count, such as getting
someone else to slay someone of my blood for me, it's still too
risky, especially when it's a simple revenge against that
foolish sorceror and his familiar.
Ranma: What, you wanna get even with Gosunkugi and Akemi?
Why?
Desire: They thwarted me long ago. Then she escaped the
punishment I designed for her. I do not like to lose any more
than you do.
Ranma: [stands up] I'd never do anything like this!
Desire: Only because you lack the power to do so. No one can
escape Desire, for everyone wants something. You want glory
and skill. And you have recieved it in plenty. And the price has
been paid by others. [smiles] That's why I like you.
Ranma: [frowns] I do NOT make other people pay!
Desire: Well, you do seem to be mending your ways somewhat,
but I'm sure you'll revert to type, soon enough. Just like your
father.
Ranma: I am NOT like my father!
Desire: Everyone says that, then they turn into him.
Ranma: Damn you!
Desire: They all say that too.
************
[We see Nabiki back in the lap of luxury again]
Nabiki: I wish all my dreams were like this. Maybe they will
be, now.
[The door opens, and Daniel, Lord of Dreams, walks in. He is tall
and pale, with white hair and chalk white skin, dressed in
formal garb]
Daniel: [looks around] You learn swiftly.
Nabiki: [points to the smear] Did you get the bird? What is
going on?
Daniel: One of my predecessor's more insolent creations got a
little out of control. [sits down on the anvil] It would seem
that Desire is on another one of her petty rampages again. I
wonder what Morpheus was thinking of when he made those
tulpas with her. [sighs] One of the few times they ever
collaborated. I am sorry for this. My servants are not supposed
to manipulate the dreams of mortals for their own benefit. Nor
is Desire to tamper with my realm. I cannot allow this to pass.
You must waken now, and prevent your lover from being slain.
Nabiki: He..he's in danger?
Daniel: Your sister's anger with him has been exploited. As
soon as she awakes, she'll try to kill him again. And he feels so
guilty, he just might let her.
Nabiki: Why is Desire doing all this?
Daniel: She wants to clear away everyone who might be able to
defend the targets of her revenge, Gosunkugi and Akemi. So
she's tried to turn you all against them first, then when that
failed, against each other, which seems to be working much
better.
Nabiki: [sighs] Okay, wake me up. Although, how I'm going to
stop a berserk Akane, I have no idea.
Daniel: You wouldn't happen to know anyone capable of
dimensional travel, would you?
Nabiki: You're the lord of dreams, I'm a high school graduate.
Daniel: She has your sister's fiancee captive, but it is difficult
for us to enter each other's strongholds when we are not
welcome.
Nabiki: Well, my boyfriend can go from Tokyo to Kansas in 60
seconds. Does that help?
Daniel: Perfect.
**************
[We see Ranma pouting on the floor, still. The Bishoujo Kitsune
walks in]
BK: Okay, just about everyone's en route to slaughter each
other. I had to use my last bit of the oil to get the old fat man
to do what I wanted. So where's my Century Lotus?
Desire: As soon as they are all dead, you will get it.
BK: If you cheat me, I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been
born.
Desire: I always keep my deals. So Ranma's parents are on
their way to slaughter his ex-fiancee and her lover?
BK: I still don't see why you didn't just have us send everyone
directly to kill Akemi and Gosunkugi.
Ranma: [horrified] My parents are on their way to kill Ucchan
and Shinnosuke?
BK: It does seem kinda irrelevant.
Desire: Too many of my plans have crashed in the past because
I did not plan in the long term. Best to make sure they will
have no defenders, difficult as waiting is for me.
Ranma: [clenches his fists] I won't let you do this!
Desire: [laughs] You can do nothing. Without my permission,
you cannot leave, and you can't even beat me up. You won't fight
women.
BK: Aren't you a sort of hermaphrodite, anyway?
Ranma: I'm not a robot that you can just push my buttons and
make me do things. I don't fight girls. Normally. But you ain't
no lady. [charges at Desire, who blinks with surprise. Ranma
unleashes hundreds of punches in seconds, sending Desire flying
across the room. He then turns to the Bishoujo Kitsune] I
remember what you did to me.
Bishoujo Kitsune: [backing up] Hey, I just wanted a few
boyfriends! I was lonely!
Ranma: [suddenly in her face] You're going to undo what you did
to my parents, or I'll feed you your own intestines.
Bishoujo Kitsune: You're bluffing!
Ranma: [grabs her wrist. Snap.] You're right. I'll start by
ripping off your hands.
Desire: Amusing as that would be, I can't let you do that.
[gestures and Ranma is now tied upside down to the wall] Did
you really think you could defeat me in my own stronghold?
Ranma: ...
Desire: The Queen and her land are one. This stronghold is me.
You can't beat me any more than I could beat you in your
fantasies.
Bishoujo Kitsune: Can you fix my hand?
Desire: [gestures] There you go. [turns to Ranma] You can't
win. Do you understand that? Your parents are going to be
murderers, and nothing you can do can stop it. Unless...
Ranma: Unless?
Desire: I have no real need to see them do that, as long as they
stay away from Akemi and Gosunkugi when the time comes.
Sell yourself to me, and I will break the spell on them.
Ranma: You'll break your word.
Desire: I never break my word. Wiggle and bend it a bit, but not
break it.
Ranma: I don't believe you.
Desire: [shrugs] So be it. The blood shall be on your hands.
You'll live, knowing you could have saved Ukyou, but you didn't
even try.
Ranma: [thinking] I'm just surprised she didn't send someone to
kill Akane if she really wanted me to sell myself to her.
Desire: What an excellent idea! Kitsune-chan, send your
husband to make sure Nabiki kills Akane after Akane kills
Ryouga, okay?
BK: Sure thing. [steps through a door and vanishes]
Ranma: ...
***************
[We see Hitomi in the guest room. A noise wakes her up.]
Hitomi: [mutters] Try to be quiet, Shinnosuke.
[Footsteps in the hallway]
Hitomi: [sits up] That you, Shinnosuke? [looks around] Maybe
he went to the bathroom. No, that's two sets...are he and Ukyou
up to something? [goes to the door and peers out, seeing Genma
and Nodoka creeping down the hallway] Great. The crazy
woman. [goes and grabs her magic broom, steps out in the
hallway, and speaks loudly] Okay, WHAT are you two idiots
doing? [shouts] Hey, Ukyou, Ranma's psycho parents are here!
Genma: [crazed] One of the evil ones who stole our son!
[charges at Hitomi]
Hitomi: Urk. [fends Genma off desperately. While he is clearly
better than her, the magic broom helps her just enough to hold
her own]
[Nodoka, meanwhile, goes to the door to Ukyou's room. She is
curled up on her futon with Shinnosuke cuddled up to her asleep.
She is half-asleep, half-awake, mumbling happily to herself]
Nodoka: [robotically] Die! [stabs down at Shinnosuke, but the
blade breaks on his skin. He doesn't even wake up, but this jars
Ukyou awake]
Ukyou: [blinks] Mrs. Saotome?
Nodoka: You kidnapped my son! DIE! DIE! DIE! [stabs down with
the hilt repeatedly]
Ukyou: [tries to wake Shinnosuke, but he is sound asleep] What
are you DOING? [looks at the broken sword] ...
Nodoka: [leaps at Ukyou and begins to strangle her, rolling
around with Ukyou on the ground] You aided the evil sorceror!
He took my son!
Ukyou: Are you nuts? I would never kidnap Ranchan! [kicks
Nodoka away from her] Snap out of it! Someone's tricked you!
[Nodoka grabs Ukyou's own spatula off the floor and attacks her]
Ukyou: Just great.
*************
[We see Nabiki sprinting down the stairs in her pajamas. She
slips on a lost sock and tumbles down the stairs, landing with
her head]
Nabiki: AAAAAA!!!!!!! [staggers to her feet] The things I do for
love. [stumbles into the living room, where Akane is choking a
crying Ryouga]
Akane: [literally frothing as if she was rabid] You beast! I
hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Nabiki: [tackles her, knocking her away from Ryouga] Stop it,
Akane! Damn it!
Akane: [tosses Nabiki aside] You only love him because of a
potion! Your love for him is false! He's just using you like he
used me!
Ryouga: [crying] I'm sorry, Akane. Maybe I should die for what
I did.
Nabiki: [staggers back] You want him, you have to go through
me.
Akane: [looking even more deranged; clearly, this is not
natural, as Akane is not noted for true beserkergang] Fine. I'll
enjoy making him watch you die! [charges at Nabiki, who grabs
Akane and rolls back, flipping her overhead as she rolls. Akane
slams into the wall]
Ryouga: ...
Nabiki: [to Ryouga] I didn't grow up in the house for nothing.
I'm not even a third as good as Akane is, because I never really
wanted to be good at fighting. But I know a few tricks, and
she's fighting like she's possessed. Maybe she is.
Akane: You're the possessed one! [charges at Nabiki again.
Nabiki sidesteps and trips her. Akane crashes into the wall
again]
Nabiki: C'mon, Ryouga, I can't keep this up all night! You're the
good fighter!
Ryouga: [gets up] I just..
Nabiki: We can decide who kills who later! [desperately
blocking blows from an Akane onslaught]
Ryouga: Right! [charges at Akane, misses her as she presses
Nabiki back, and charges right out the door into the kitchen. He
does not return]
Nabiki: Great timing, boyfriend.
***********
[We see Kasumi and Susan flying over bright fluffy clouds. They
both are dressed in white robes, carrying harps, and have angel
wings]
Kasumi: [nervously] Are you sure this isn't blasphemous?
Susan: You're the one who said you wanted to fly! You can
change it by just willing it, anyway. Anyone can control their
dreams once they're cognizant that it IS a dream. You wanna
learn to do this, right?
Kasumi: Well, it was your idea.
Susan: Look, I won't make you, but it's important for a saint to
have control over her dreams.
Kasumi: [blushes] I'm not a saint, or an angel.
Susan: Yet, maybe.
[There is a flash of light and Daniel, Lord of Dreams, appears]
Daniel: Your sister needs you. [looks at Susan] What are you
doing here, Raguela?
Susan: [blushes] I'm just Susan now. I got kicked out of Hell,
and Desire finally fired me too.
Kasumi: [nervously] Are you...
Daniel: I am not the Almighty. Or even close. Merely the lord
of dreams. Your sister needs you. Desire's minions are trying
to make your sister kill Ryouga.
Kasumi: ...
Daniel: He is safe now, but your sister is in danger, and I
cannot do anything directly to help her. You can.
Kasumi: [nervously] Akane's on a rampage? I...I can't even fight
as well as Nabiki, and if she won't listen to reason.
Daniel: Only you are close enough to help her. I could try to
insure that her boyfriend returns on his next jump, but that
could be hours from now.
Kasumi: I'll go. How do I wake myself up?
Susan: I'll come over to your place as fast as I can, once I wake
up.
Daniel: Just will yourself awake. [sighs] I am sorry you have
been caught up in my family's games. [looks around] You made
this, Raguela?
Susan: [blushes] You like it?
Daniel: You should know Heaven doesn't REALLY look like this.
Susan: [quietly] I couldn't bear to see it as it truly is, not
after being gone so long.
Daniel: [to Kasumi] Go with my blessing.
***************
[Ranma is watching his parents fight Hitomi and Ukyou. Hitomi
goes down, and now Ukyou is being double teamed]
Ranma: Dammit!
Desire: Ready to reconsider?
Ranma: No! You're trying to trick me!
Desire: Coerce, yes. Trick, no. Well, except for when I claimed
Akane and Ryouga were getting it on.
Ryouga: [from the doorway] Nabiki, I'll save...hey, where the
hell is this?
Ranma: Ryouga! Run while you still can!
Ryouga: [blinks] Ranma? [A second later, Desire has him
hogtied] Hey!
Desire: [gestures and the large window they're watching the
fight through splits to show Akane beating up Nabiki as well as
the Ranma's parents versus Ukyou fight] Let's make a deal.
************
[We see Kasumi running down the hallway in her pajamas]
Kasumi: [thinking] Why do I feel so reluctant to leave my
room? I feel like my brain is full of molasses or something.
[sprints down the stairs] Must be evil magic.
[She runs into the living room. Akane has grabbed Nabiki and is
pounding her hard]
Kasumi: STOP IT!
Akane: [pauses] She threw my boyfriend out! She called him
worthless ! Her boyfriend tricked me! Now I have to KILL THEM
BOTH!
Kasumi: [takes a deep breath] No.
Akane: [glares derangedly] You can't stop me.
Kasumi: [walks over] Akane, this isn't like you. You're not a
killer.
Akane: I deserve my revenge!
Nabiki: [weakly] Run, Kasumi. Get Daddy. Maybe he can stop
her.
Kasumi: If you kill her, Ranma will hate you.
Akane: [freezes up] No.
Kasumi: He'll think you're just like Shampoo. Worse. She only
TALKED about killing.
Akane: [shakes her head] No! Ranma loves me! He hates Ryouga
and Nabiki too!
Kasumi: Ranma would never kill any of his relatives, no matter
what they did. He wouldn't hurt someone he loved.
Akane: I hate her! She didn't tell me!
Kasumi: I had my suspicions, and I never told you either. If you
have to kill her, you have to kill me.
Akane: [hesitantly] But I..
Kasumi: [steps over] Go ahead. Kill me. I won't fight you.
Nabiki: Are you nuts! RUN, KASUMI!
Akane: [begins to cry] No, I'm not supposed to kill you. She
didn't tell me to...
Kasumi: Who told you to?
Akane: The woman who saved me from P-chan.
Nabiki: ...
Kasumi: And what did P-chan do?
Akane: He kidnapped me! With magic!
Kasumi: Since when did Ryouga know any magic?
Akane: But it had to have been him! It looked just like him!
Nabiki: [weakly] Someone tricked you, Akane.
Akane: [shakes] No, but the lady..she...
Kasumi: She tried to use you to kill your friend and your sister.
Akane: [looks at the battered Nabiki] Nabiki! Oh god, I nearly...
[begins to bawl] I'm sorry! I don't know what I was doing! I
can't believe I...I tried to kill Ryouga...I...
Kasumi: [hugs Akane tightly] There will be a reckoning.
Nabiki: Damn Desire, whatever the hell she is.
Kasumi: [frowns] I have had enough of her meddling in people's
lives. I'm going to end this.
Nabiki: [coughs] Ugh, I hurt. Now I remember why I never
pursued this. [to Kasumi] How are you going to end this?
Kasumi: I have no idea.
[Akane and Nabiki both facefault]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"Blood and bloody ashes! Are you sure this is a seal on the Dark One's
prison? I've been using it as a coaster!"
--Steve Odhner, Path of Plots Entry #7