Date: Fri, 06 Nov 1998 22:43:58 -0600
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: Gleep <gleep42@geocities.com>
Subject: [FFML][LEMON][GunCats]Fire in The Veins Part 1
Right. Since most of the other respondents were fixated on debating
certain bits of minutae....
Hi all. It has been a while since I posted anything. This is my first
attempt at a lemon, so please C&C. What do you like, more sex, less
sex,
inquiring minds wanna know.
Well, you've got two scenes, and one is entirely sex, while the other is
just a bit of set-up. It would have been tough to cram in anymore sex,
but one less sex scene would have eliminated the Lemon tag. I think you
got the balance right, here.
Fire in The Veins Part 1
A Gunsmith Cats Lemon Fanfic by Gleep
************
Rally looked over at her partner slumped against her doorway. "I was
just
debating my sanity on that very subject, thanks. You know we have to
move
some stock in order to make mortgage this month. I hate to say it, but
th=
e
bounty-hunting hasn=92t paid the bills this month."
"Nope, not a peep." Rally threw back the covers and swung her legs out
o=
f
bed. She stood, scratching her stomach as she yawned hugely. "No sense
worrying about it now. Let=92s get ready, eat some breakfast, and make
su=
re
the store=92s ready. I=92ll give them a call later and see if anything
is
cooking in their neighborhood."
OK, since this is a Lemon, you should take every opportunity to keep
your audience's mind on what matters. Now, there's obviously nothing
overtly sexual to this scene, so you have to go the covert route. What
did MM wear to bed last night? Rally scratched her belly, so we know
she's not in a nightgown, but is there anything else we should be aware
of?
Don't be afraid of the occasional adjective: Rally's long legs, or
maybe just mention her tan. What color is her underwear, or did she
sleep in the buff? Hentai minds want to know! ~_^
****
As she slowly stopped shaking, and her breathing slowed, she hung her
hea=
d
and began to cry. "I miss you, Ken. My love." And the water fell down,
washing away the past amid the smell of lilacs.
The "dream lover" was a nice touch, fairly innovative for a Lemon.
Again, though, you might want to include more details. Not of the
action (which you describe at just about the right level for a Lemon),
but of the scene. Interestingly, you had no problem with scent and
touch (which are usually neglected by novices), but you're very sparse
with sight and sound references. Again, mention tan lines, or just
refer to her "alabaster skin" (or whatever shade works for you). Refer
to the glistening beads of water on her breasts. You get the idea.
Remember, in this type of work, it's even more important than in a
"regular" fic to compensate for the lack of images.
Pretend that your friend is watching this through a keyhole, and
telling you what he sees. How much is he going to have to describe in
order to keep you from knocking him out of the way?
--Freemage
**** End Part 1
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