Gleep wrote:
Hi all. It has been a while since I posted anything. This is my first
attempt at a lemon, so please C&C. What do you like, more sex, less sex,
inquiring minds wanna know.
Fire in The Veins Part 1
A Gunsmith Cats Lemon Fanfic by Gleep
Gunsmith Cats is copyright Kenichi Sonoda, Kodansha Ltd., Studio Proteus,
and Dark Horse Comics. All rights reserved.
Viewing by minors is illegal. If you are under the age of 18, you must
gouge your eyes out and spend the rest of your life as a monk or nun (your
choice).
I've been reading misspellings for too long. I was about to correct you and say it
was you're. = ()
Rally looked over at her partner slumped against her doorway. "I was just
debating my sanity on that very subject, thanks. You know we have to move
some stock in order to make mortgage this month. I hate to say it, but the
bounty-hunting hasn�t paid the bills this month."
Nothing big, just seems to me that Rally would have a few months worth of money
saved up. It'd make sense if she'd just made a big purchase or something, then
counting on bounties to keep her going.
The cold water smacked Minnie May across her face and sent her scurrying
backwards. "Damn it! I HATE winter. The water is always so damn cold!" She
stood shivering in the corner of the shower while the water heated up
enough. Once the stream had reached a tolerable temperature, she stepped
into it gratefully. Tipping her head forward, she let the warm water
cascade down her back, washing away the night�s nightmares.
Ah yes, I miss Midwest winters. Too damn hot here in Miami.
It had been about Ken again. Hardly a day went by that she didn�t think
about him. Too many memories. If she had her way, they would have been
together long ago. The dreams came less frequently now, but they still
came. It was different every time. This time she saw him as he was defusing
a bomb. She was screaming at him not to cut the green wire, the detonator
was on a cascade circuit, the bomb would go off, you idiot, not the green
wire, OH SHIT BOOOM WHITE LIGHT and she woke up. He couldn�t work any more.
His multiple sclerosis was getting too bad, and he was starting to make
mistakes. The syndicate wanted him dead, and he had to go underground to
survive. She didn�t know where he was, or even if he was alive. He was as
close as she ever came to experiencing love.
Er, from what I remember MS is rather random. It comes and goes with intervals of
several years in between. Course I guess it depends on the person.
Love. For May, love was an abstract thing, really. She had spent most of
adolescence in a whorehouse, and love was a rare and elusive commodity in
there. Sure, people took care of you, but then you were an investment, not
a real person. But it was better than the alternative.
Um, as I recall May only spent a couple of years in the Pussycat, hardly an
adlescence. Most of what she would consider adolescence maybe. If I recall she was
there for about a year, maybe from the ages of 12-13.
Sex. Sex is what she knew, even better than explosives. You don�t spend
your life at a whorehouse without picking up the necessary tricks to please
someone. She smiled wider. Ken was always good at sex.
Again, life seems a bit long. I'd change it to 'spend a year or two in a
whorehouse'.
Her left hand came up to caress the back of her neck as she picked up the
body wash and sponge. Closing her eyes, she imagined Ken right behind her,
gently touching her neck and licking her ear as the scent of the
lilac-scented body wash filled the room. Drizzling a small amount of body
wash on the sponge she began to softly wash her arms, feeling Ken�s strong
hands trail along her arms, brushing the inside of her biceps as they made
their way back up to her shoulders.
To avoid redundancy I'd prolly go for 'the _smell_ of her lilac scented body wash
filled the room'.
"May, you�re so tense. You shouldn�t worry about things so much." May
gasped as Ken�s voice came clear as a bell to her imagination. The she
smiled and went along with the fantasy.
May giggled, and brought her hand up to her small breasts. "You mean these old
things? I >always thought you wanted me to trade them in for a newer set."
The dialouge in these scenes just doesn't _quite_ seem right. Perhaps 'these small
things', or 'these little things.' I mean May IS only 14. 'Old' doesn't suit her.
Unless this is VERY playful and sarcastic it doesn't quite work.
May bit her bottom lip, and groaned "God, you�re soo mean to me, Kenny!"
She leaned backward against the wall of the shower, and bent her knees.
Kenny? Nothing really wrong, but I don't recall her ever using the name in the
comics. just seems a little off. Or it could just be me watching too much South park.
**** End Part 1
Readable and with precident. Sadly that's rare in lemons. The only thing is with
this one you seem to get into the sex a bit too quickly. There is a nice intro to a
possibly good story here. If I could make another reccomentdation it would be that it
would be nice to make this a plot oriented lemon. Gunsmith Cats really allows for
this; moreso than other series. Don't waste the potential on making it an out and out
sex-fest, especially since your writing shows a good degree of competency.
Finally my only major quibble is that you seem to allude to May as being a good
bit older than she really is. Remember, May is only 14 or so (Ken's a twisted
bastard.). Hope to see where the fic is headed soon.
As for the less sex/more sex question. I'd say it depends on the type of fic
you're going for. Comedy can usually pull off nothing but mounds of sex much better
than a drama can. (The Prince and the Lecher is a prime example of a fic that had
waaaay too much sex. It hid the good story below.)
--
George Mori -- morig@cwtel.com -- Tokyo University Story Homepage
http://www.cwtel.com/morig/todai-index.htm -- Updated 10/27
"You can try anything you like but when I say I'll kill you, your
death is assured." -- Kenshin, Rurouni Kenshin
"He's the kind of kid that has to get rid of stress or go into
sexual crimes." -- Maison Ikkoku