At 07:38 PM 11/3/98 -0500, Scott Schimmel wrote:
Ravi Duvvuri wrote:
Anyway...the biggest problem I saw was the sudden loss of momentum about
three-quarters of the way through the story. I think that it would have
I'd have to echo this, but I'm not sure that an epilogue is the
answer. I think the 'problem' (if it can be called that) is that
Yeah, it's not exactly the right word, but I didn't quite feel like typing
out "thing that caused me (and probably only me) not to fully enjoy the
story as much as I could have and could probably have been avoided by
the immensely talented author".
My bad.
there's a sudden, drastic, change of pace immediately after the
confrontation... and then, immediately after that change of pace, the
new scene bogs down in prose. It's a change of pace, tone, and style,
and of the three, the new style doesn't work for me.
That's more or less what I meant by 'loss of momentum'.
As for the epilogue suggestion, it was just what came to mind immediately,
given the change in pace after the confrontation scene. Without a total
rewrite of the closure scenes, it seemed to me a natural idea to separate
the resolution into its own chapter, and a chapter of mostly resolution, in
my mind, is an epilogue.
I don't know that the story as is could really be padded out to another
chapter. There really isn't all that much to expand on prior to the
confrontation, without losing impact.
I don't think that even Kazuya would be a match for a concerted effort
of a group of ESPers.
Dramatic necessity, I suppose. Though it would have worked better had
it only been the twins and Akane.
True, although then you have the problem of not having enough Power to
take out the yakuza and then alter their memories.
Another note on strength -- I'd always thought Kyousuke was the
strongest of the young generation. Granted, that's partly based on
the Shin KOR novels, wherein he does many nifty things... well, since
he'd lack Kazuya's killer instinct and willingness to use his full
powers -- or any power -- so easily, it probably doesn't matter.
I don't think Mr. Lawson is taking the Shin KOR novels as part of the
continuity. Kyosuke would probably be a bit too buff if he did.
As for Kazuya, I've seen the interpretation that Kazuya always had Kyosuke
beat in terms of raw potential, but never had the control over the Power to
use it to its fullest. And when you factor Kazuya's lack of concern
for others...
However, in the alternate world, Kyousuke has telepathic ability, for some
reason. This is right out of the manga, and as far as I know is never
explained.
Ah, okay. I haven't read the manga yet, though it's the first on my list
of things to pick up when I can read Japanese well enough not to feel like
a total moron.
Editing would be a good idea, IMO, but I'm at a loss as to what to
suggest cutting.
The cutting suggestion was just an idea to try to make the resolution
flow perhaps just a bit quicker, as opposed to my other suggestion of
separating it into a third chapter and an epilogue.
As for the scenes I suggested, I guess I was coming from a 'less is more' approach -- allude to certain events and let the reader picture the scene
as they wish, as long as the main idea you want to get across is conveyed.
The campfire scene can probably go,
I think it needs to be there. But it can probably be shorter. Or
placed at a different point in the story, to minimize that style/pace
change.
I thought about that possibility too, but there really isn't anywhere else
it could go. I guess I really didn't like the dialogue between Kyosuke and
Hikaru and thought some of Uncle Kaneto's commentary was a bit unnecessary.
It really was mostly a reaction to the style/pace change.
as could the Kyosuke / Madoka scene.
Disagree. I thought that was perhaps the most important scene of the
ending, as it shows Madoka -react- to everything that's happened.
See, I think that because it's the most important scene, it can afford to
be lost. It's odd logic, but I'll try to explain what I mean. If you
stop where Kyosuke enters the cabin and cut to altMadoka watching the two
talk and eventually kiss, it actually gains from the edit, so long as
enough of the really important parts get hinted at in later scenes, like
the Hikaru / Madoka scene. It's a thing of subtlety, I guess.
Though I think I've managed to prove that subtlety is often lost on me.
The Hikaru / Madoka scene could be trimmed down, and allude to some
of the more important bits from the cut parts.
I can't see trimming this very much, either. It's all pretty
important, I'd say.
Rereading the scene, you're right. At first, parts of this seemed a bit
unnecessary, but I'd forgotten that the Shin KOR books never happened in
this timeline, so Hikaru and Madoka wouldn't have necessarily kept in
contact.
I would have liked to see a Madoka meets Ayukawa scene, but I'm not sure
that would be a good idea. It would be nice for Ayukawa to learn that
Madoka wasn't the person she saw in the office building.
I second this, but I can see why the scene doesn't exist...
Oh, I can see why it doesn't exist, too. I was just voicing something I'd
have liked to see, if things had happened a bit differently.
"Kasuga-kun." The new Madoka's voice could freeze lava. "I've
been wanting to do this for eight years." She reached her hand
back, formed a fist, and punched him in the jaw.
I'm not sure I understand this line.
Reference to Kyousuke's first visit to the altUniverse. He sort of
ended up accidentally "abandoning" altMadoka.
I understood the reference. What I was questioning was _why_ altMadoka
was slugging Kazuya. It's a nice line, and dramatically delivered, but
she knows that it is Kazuya in Kyosuke's body. And also, she'd be more
likely to be angry at Kyosuke, since while in Kazuya's body he looks
just like he did when he abandoned her.
And I don't know that she'd still have as much animosity as she shows for
Kyosuke if she's reconsiled with him enough to come with him to his world.
I suppose an argument could be made that she was just holding her anger in
check, and projects her anger at Kyosuke onto Kazuya and takes it out on
him. This would explain her lingering anger and her apparent refusal to
interact with any of the others.
When and where was this? I don't think Ayukawa would have had a
chance to drink espresso very often in her dimension, and not in the
AbCb in any case.
She's not talking about espresso. ^_^
Ack! Okay, I am officially a Complete Idiot.
I'm not sure how I missed that earlier. I really should have caught that. Ummm... in my defense, I'll have to claim that the four hours of Amber ccg
I played previous to reading the fic turned my brain to gelatin.
She laughed, and they continued to chat brightly over a cup of
espresso.
I liked that. Plays with the espresso sequence above (which isn't
referring to espresso).
You're right. It does, to some extent. But it still just doesn't feel
*right*. I can't really explain it.
-r
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* Ravi Duvvuri
*
* solarian@imsa.edu http://www.imsa.edu/~solarian/
* @jaka.ece.uiuc.edu Lost Soul #14015654 in the Icy Queue.
*
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*
* "Why am I standing in the woods with a bottle of soy sauce?"
* - Nanami, El-Hazard TV1 Ep. 1
*
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