This is NOT a Self-Insertion Fic, Part One; a Ranma � fanfiction
Disclaimer: Ranma � and all assosciated characters do not belong to me,
they belong to whomever they belong to. They are used without
permission; so go out and buy Ranma � manga, videotapes, and other
paraphernalia.
Gosenkugi looked nervously about him as he walked down the busy
sidewalk. His eyes darted back and forth, looking at the street signs
he didn't understand. How, he wondered, can it be possible that in the
heart of Tokyo, there could be a place so foreign? He bumped into a
large man, and though Gosenkugi said "sorry" quite clearly, the large
man harumphed and made a grimace as though he were going to strangle
poor Gosenkugi.
Very, very foreign, thought Gosenkugi. He sighed loudly and examined
the map he had been given. The words "Little Italy" were printed
clearly on the map. An ugly red dot marked his destination.
Gosenkugi looked around several times before frowning. He was sure he
was there. And then he noticed the sign with huge European lettering
and tiny, very poorly written Japanese script proclaiming "STORE. BIG
SALE." The European lettering proclaimed "CURIO SHOP. MYSTICAL ITEMS
AND PARAPHENELIA." So Gosenkugi entered the store labeled in Japanese
"CURIOSITIES," and in Italian, "HOT KINKY ITEMS! HOT! HOT! HOT!"
After ten minutes of browsing, and lots of snickering, Gosenkugi
realized his error and went to the right shop.
As Gosenkugi opened the door, a loud buzzing erupted throughout the
tiny cramped store. Behind a plexiglass bulletproof caged shield, the
shopkeeper's face erupted in a large grin. Victim, he thought. No
wait; I mean, Customer. Tee hee. Victim.
"Is this the store of mystic items, one of which will aid me in the
destruction of Ranma?" asked Gosenkugi.
"Look about you and see," said the shopkeeper through the ridiculous
grin. "We have many items that can destroy many things, including a
Ranma."
Gosenkugi looked about the tiny freak store. He saw many interesting
items. His eyes rested on a large sword. The blade was about four feet
long, and curved in a wavy pattern. He picked up the sword. Though at
first he could barely lift it, it magically became very light. Even in
the cramped environ of the store, he was able to swing it about with
ease.
"Ah, good item there. Legendary sword that makes the wielder a master
swordsman."
"Legendary?" wondered Gosenkugi.
"Yes, yes. It is said that the sword was used against a powerful
warrior."
"And?"
"That Conan fellow was a real hard ass. Didn't take crap from anyone,
especially the wimp that used the sword."
"Oh..." Images of Kuno danced in Gosenkugi's head. He put the sword
down.
Gosenkugi's eyes then rested on a cage. It housed a small, white and
brown fuzzy creature that chirped 'Gizmo' from time to time. Gosenkugi
poked it.
"Don't touch that!" snapped the shopkeeper.
Gosenkugi moved on.
After ten more minutes of browsing magical items such as a gnarled
stick (it does something magically delicious); a Colt .44 (has the
amazing ability to make people die, or bleed profusely); and a prune;
Gosenkugi finally came upon a glass case containing a leaflet of
parchment. Next to the glass case was a chain, and a sign saying "IN
CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK ASS." Fortunately, Gosenkugi didn't understand
the sign, and the hammer that should have been at the other end of the
chain was obviously missing; however, Gosenkugi did suddenly feel
bloated.
"What's this?" asked Gosenkugi.
"It is an ancient scroll. It will summon a powerful demon who will
help you; however, it must be used only if all else has failed. You may
have it, but remember only to use it as a last resort."
Gosenkugi thought back to all of his petty schemes to defeat Ranma.
His teeth clenched just thinking about it. He figured he had tried
everything, except for a Ponzi scheme, of which he was sure Nabiki was
already running.
"I'll take it."
"You sure?"
"Uh huh."
"It's expensive."
"You want to sell it to me or what?"
The grin on the shopkeeper's face widened.
Gosenkugi looked about the deserted chemistry room. Nobody around
except for himself. He took a piece of chalk from his pocket, and drew
a large circle on the ground, then a five pointed star. He sat in the
center of the star with a backpack stuffed with oddities.
Gosenkugi memorized the scroll before he began the summoning. He was
told not to make a mistake, and Gosenkugi wanted to make sure that he
got it right. Not only that, but the summoning agents costed him a
small fortune, and he didn't want to screw up. He removed the summoning
agents from his pack, and placed them in the corners of the pentagon of
the star.
Gosenkugi took a deep breath, read the scroll again, and began the
rite of summoning.
"To the great powers above, and the great powers below! I call to
thee, the greatest of all that is unholy!" At each of the points, he
placed the strange summoning agents. At the first point, he placed a
bottle of fine olive oil. Expensive, but he got it from his local
supermarket. At the second point, he placed five hundred US dollars in
crisp, new one hundred dollar bills. While it costed way too much, it
was easy to get. At the third point, he placed a crystal wine glass
holding a small bit of a good vintage. He had to get that one at the
local snooty restaurant, after quite a bit of doing. Gosenkugi
certainly didn't want to do that again. At the fourth point, he placed
threads from an expensive Armani suit, still reeking from the sweat of
the rich fellow that wore it. He got that along with the wine. At the
fifth point, he placed the most difficult item to get, the item that got
him many slaps in the face. He placed a cigar, rolled on the thighs of
a virgin, down on the point. All in all, these were the hardest
summoning agents he had to get. Ever.
Gosenkugi stepped out of the circle, and continued the ritual.
"I have brought that which you desire, Great Demon Aipham: your
presence, I require!"
Suddenly, each of the five items exploded in an unholy black flame.
The flames merged into one, then slowly coalesced into the form of a
very fat man, dressed in an expensive black pinstriped suit. His greasy
silver hair was slicked back. In his left hand, he held a cigar in his
fingers and a glass of brandy in his palm; in his right hand, he
clutched a fork with spaghetti and red sauce tangled in the tines. On
each of his fingers was a band of gold. Tucked in his collar was a
large white napkin, stained with red splotches.
"Dis spaghetti..." the demon rasped, "...it is good. Very, very
goood." The demon's eyes snapped open. Upon seeing his surroundings,
he frowned.
"Release me!" he rasped. "You have no need of a used furniture
salesman!"
"You are the great demon Aipham!" screamed Gosenkugi. "And you will
obey me!"
Aipham pointed at Gosenkugi with his fork. A small bit of demon
tomato sauce dripped off of it.
"Vinnie" stated Aipham. A cloud of smoke appeared next to Gosenkugi.
After a brief moment, the form of a man appeared out of it. He was a
large man; so large that his forearm was thicker than Gosenkugi's body
and his pectorals looked like two giant beach balls. He was dressed
similarly to Aipham, except he wore no rings. However, he did sport a
pair of very large, very ugly brass knuckles which happened to be framed
by an inordinate amount of knuckle hair.
"Youz wants meez to kills him, boss?" slurred Vinnie stupidly.
"No! Wait! Can't we discuss this?" said Gosenkugi when he saw
Vinnie.
"You disrespect me," rasped the great demon Aipham, "by bringin' me
here in the middle of a tasty meal, and demand that I obey you?"
"Uhh... but..."
"Hit him," said Aipham.
Vinnie bonked Gosenkugi solidly on the head, and Gosenkugi crumpled
like a cheap rag doll.
After a strange dream about exploding cockroaches, and the women that
love them, Gosenkugi awoke from his daze. He saw immediately that the
circle was still intact, and that Vinnie was gone. Inside the circle,
he noted that the demon Aipham was still there, sitting on his butt. He
had taken his jacket and his shirt off, so Aipham was clad in just his
pants, a pair of suspenders, and a wifebeater. He looked remarkably like
a giant pile of warm bread pudding. When Aipham noticed Gosenkugi stir,
the demon scrambled to his feet.
"You are awake!" said the demon. After a few minutes of moaning about
the large lump on his head, Gosenkugi spoke the unholy words of command.
"You will grant me one favor!"
Gosenkugi paused and noticed no reaction from Aipham.
"Please?"
The demon scowled for a moment. If I help this little freak, he'll let
me out of this decrepit chalk circle, Aipham thought.
"If I grant you this favor, you will in return help me," stated Aipham.
Gosenkugi smiled. Now he was getting somewhere. Gosenkugi should've
known, though, that demons named Aipham are not particularly
trustworthy.
"Yes! Yes! Just help me destroy Ranma Saotome, and I'll-"
"You will let me out of this circle, and you will give me the most
precious thing you have with you this very moment."
Gosenkugi thought about berating the fat demon for interrupting him,
but he thought better of it. Besides, he reasoned, the most precious
thing he had on him was some monopoly money.
"Okay!"
"Help me out of this circle, and it will be done."
"No way! Help me take out Ranma, first!"
"My resources are-"
"Do it!"
"I have little power-"
"You've got plenty of power! You summoned 'Vinnie'" Gosenkugi said
'Vinnie' in a very disrespectful tone, "to hit me, didn't you?"
Aipham frowned. This was one tough little man.
"Very well. I will grant you your one favor. I will bring someone
that can destroy dis 'Ranma.'"
Breeep. Breeep. Breeep.
A thin arm slithered its way from a bed to a small table next to the
bed, and pushed the button marked 'Snooze' on the cheap plastic alarm
clock. A head of disheveled hair and sleepy eyes poked out of the
covers. A wiry arm shot out of the covers and grabbed a pair of
glasses.
"Uhhhggg...." groaned Andy. He really hated waking up early just to
listen to ugly professors that had a less than adequate command of
english.
Andy stumbled over to the shower, threw open the shower curtains, and
climbed in. He grabbed the handle and yanked it out, sending a cold
wave of water that smashed into his face. He gurgled for a moment until
the water turned boiling hot. Then Andy yelped, so he turned the water
back to ice cold. Andy figured that his shower was possessed.
After a quick shower, Andy stepped out, pulled out his brand new
Gillette Sensor �, wiped away the mist from the bathroom mirror, put his
glasses on, and looked at himself. He was awfully lean, resulting from
many years of exercise and lack of nutrition. He looked over his face,
showing him the same thing he'd seen the last eighteen years. He saw an
angular Taiwanese face (that's an island to the southeast of China for
the geographically uninclined), topped with a bunch of hair that went
the exact opposite direction that he'd comb, and framed by a pair of
glasses.
He decided quite emphatically that he didn't count as "ruggedly
handsome."
Just as he placed that new Gillette Sensor � on his cheek, he
disappeared with an odd popping noise that he'd only heard in the fine
television drama "I dream of Jeannie."
Pop.
In front of Gosenkugi appeared the last thing he could have possibly
imagined. While he was hoping for a loyal version of Vinnie, he instead
got a thin naked guy wearing glasses with a big cut on his cheek
grasping a bloody Gillette Sensor �.
"Hey! This isn't what I wanted at all!" shouted Gosenkugi.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod," mumbled the thin
naked guy wearing glasses with a big cut on his cheek grasping a bloody
Gillette Sensor �.
Aipham looked at the thin naked guy wearing glasses with a big cut on
his cheek grasping a bloody Gillette Sensor � for a moment, then did a
double take.
"I have made a most egregious error."
"Hey! What about my-"
"Oh well. Andy," said Aipham.
"Huh?"
"Step on this circle."
"Oh."
"Very good."
The thin naked guy wearing glasses with a big cut on his cheek
clutching a bloody Gillette Sensor � stepped on the circle and smudged
it with his still shower-wet feet. Aipham turned into smoke for a
moment, then reappeared outside of the circle. Aipham turned to
Gosenkugi.
"I have summoned for you, the anti-Ranma." Aipham looked at Andy.
"Dis abomination of nature is the anti-Ranma," Aipham blinked twice,
and Vinnie reappered next to Gosenkugi.
Gosenkugi's eyes grew large when he saw Vinnie.
"Wait! But what about Ranma! I want him dead!"
Aipham turned to Andy, who was still mumbling incoherently. Aipham
tapped Andy on the skull.
"Dis fellow now has an overriding desire to kill Ranma."
"Oh great," said Gosenkugi. "So does everyone else."
"Ah, but this is the anti-Ranma. He has the power to kill Ranma, and
anyone else that gets in his way." Aipham then mumbled a quiet "I
think."
Everyone paused for a moment.
"I have fulfilled my part of the bargain. And now you will fulfill
yours..." said Aipham.
"But wait--!" Gosenkugi had only a few seconds to scream before he
felt an odd warm liquid that was his soul pour out of his orifices.
After stumbling about in a confused stupor, he realized that he was in
Japan. Not only Japan, he thought, but in Furinkan High School; high
school to the (in)famous Ranma and company, stars of the Ranma � anime
series.
"Damn," he grumbled to himself. "I don't know Japanese."
Suddenly, an enormous hand holding a large grey eraser fell from the
sky. After a small bit of erasing, the hand retreated, then reemerged
with a pencil. The hand did some sketching, then retreated once again.
"Wow!" exclaimed Andy. "I now have perfect fluency of Japanese; plus,
I'm wearing this hip school uniform!"
Andy paused.
"Hey! Giant hand people! I hate to sound ungrateful, but can I have a
MALE uniform?!"
The entire scenery shook for a moment as the penciler giggled
maniacally, then the hands returned to draw the appropriate uniform.
Andy stepped into a cafe, clearly labeled as the Nekohanten. People
rushed in and out for breakfast.
"Hmm..." Andy mused, "I'll probably find Shampoo, Mousse, and Cologne
here. Maybe they can help me find Ranma..." Andy stuttered for a few
moments as Aipham's magic fired up. "...So I can rip his head off."
Andy found his way to an empty seat and sat down. He ordered a bowl of
soup, then ate it and tried to figure out what to do.
"I guess I'll..." slurp slurp "just go to the US" slurp "embassy and
get myself some money" slurp slurp slurp "from my bank accounts" slurp
slurp "then catch the next flight home." Andy's right eyebrow twitched.
"Right after I rip Ranma's lips off and" slurp "strangle him with them."
The person next to him turned his head.
"So, you wanna kill Ranma too, eh?"
"No, I just want to get his autograph..." twitch "then I want to slice
his head open and eat his brains like in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'"
"Wow, that bad huh? After my girl started chasing him, man, I've tried
every chance to kick his butt."
"I've got nothing against Ranma. I sorta like the anime..." twitch
"and I'd sorta like to tear his arms off too."
"Anime? Anyways, every time I get close to him, he just hits me in the
face, and I fly. I've been to the hospital about a hundred times
because of him."
"Oh."
Shampoo walked up to Andy.
"Ai-yah! You not pay yet?"
"Uhh..." Andy was stunned for a moment, since he couldn't seem to do
anything but stare at Shampoo's well-endowed body. "You look a lot
better in real life..."
Shampoo slapped Andy. "You going to pay, or what?" As soon as the
loud clap ensued, everyone in a ten foot radius scurried away.
Andy snapped out of his stupor, and searched his pockets.
"I've only got this five yen piece I found in some teacher's desk..."
Shampoo sighed.
"What did Great-grandmother say about customers who no pay? Kick them
out."
"Whoa! Hey!" exclaimed Andy when a foot was sent past his face. Andy
reflexively snapped his arms up, and helped the kick along its way,
flipping Shampoo clear over her head and straight into the ground.
"Get your hands off of her!" shouted a furious Mousse as he lept over
the serving counter.
"Hey! C'mon, put the soup on my tab. I'm good for it!"
Mousse threw several bladed objects and a squeegie at Andy.
"Really, I am!" said Andy as he dodged the weapons. Mousse unleashed a
flurry of punches, kicks, and blades at Andy, of which Andy dodged.
"Oh, c'mon! Look, I can wash dishes! Spit shine shoes, even!"
When Mousse pressed the attack, Andy sighed and stepped behind Mousse,
then placed his hands on Mousse's shoulders. Mousse flew forward with
his own momentum, and landed on the ground.
"Now look!" sighed Andy. "You made me hurt you." Andy cringed at his
own actions.
Shampoo and Mousse were about to continue their relentless assault,
when Cologne entered the scene. She surveyed what Andy had done, then
took a moment to size up Andy.
"You have cleanly defeated both Shampoo and Mousse, yet you do not
appear to be strong enough to uproot even a sapling."
Andy had an expression of total confusion.
"Come," beckoned the old woman, "fight me."
"Uhh..." mumbled Andy.
Cologne bounded towards Andy at an alarming speed, and Andy found
himself backing up, avoiding the incredible barrage of strikes. Andy
moved away slowly while dodging all of the strikes. When he saw a
miscalculated strike, he slid next to Cologne, placed his hand on the
top of her head, and grinded her face into the ground.
"C'mon, granny. I don't want to hurt you."
Cologne snapped upwards.
"You fight with a style I have never seen before, and I have seen quite
a bit. Tell me, what martial art do you practice?"
"I've been learning some Aiki-jujitsu lately," responded Andy.
"Aiki-jujitsu? What's that?"
Andy's mind raced. How could Cologne not know what Aiki-jujitsu was?
It took Andy a moment to realize the truth. In show biz, no one does
grappling except for Steven Seagal, and he looks like a moron. Thus, in
the anime world, his grappling techniques made him Nigh-Invulnerable�!
"Uhh... did I say 'Aiki-jujitsu?' Ha ha! I actually meant... Karate!"
"Ahh... Karate. A powerful art. But there are no forms in it as
powerful as those at my disposal!" Cologne punctuated her statement
with a leap forward, her hands striking rapidly at key pressure points.
Andy jumped backwards in surprise, since he was caught unawares. He
dodged as many of the strikes as he could, but he could feel that he was
cornered.
Cologne smiled as she drove her pointer finger home into Andy's chest.
"I have just struck you in the Pressure Point of Endless Torment."
Cologne chuckled. "You will die a horrible death in the next few
moments."
Andy blinked.
Ten minutes of silence later, Andy spoke up.
"Somehow, I don't think that worked."
"How can this -"
Andy cut her off with a fist in her face.
"How about that pressure point, eh granny?"
After flying several feet, Cologne returned to her original upright
position.
"I do not understand how my pressure point did not work." Cologne
thought for a moment. "I understand now. You must be -" a loud 'dum
dum duuuuummmmm' was heard, each successive 'dum' lower pitched than the
last "the legendary Self Insertion Character, come to destroy all that
you encounter!"
"Uhhh..."
"But, I shall destroy you, first!"
Andy was taken aback. Him, a Self Insertion Character? No!
Cologne, having already backed Andy up into a corner, decided to
unleash her most powerful attack. Her arms shot forward, palms
outstretched, and she screamed.
"SUPER POWERFUL REALLY BIG KI ATTACK!"
A wave of white power erupted from Cologne's hands, destroying half of
the cafe and quite a bit of the city block along with it.
Cologne gasped for air after unleashing her most powerful attack. She
smiled weakly.
"It's over."
A whiny voice floated into her ears.
"It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings," said Andy. "And you ain't
fat."
Andy had apparently sidestepped the attack and watched the fireworks
safely to the right of Cologne. He punched her straight in the face.
Cologne staggered backwards, caught completely unawares. But by this
time, Shampoo and Mousse had snapped out of their reverie, and jumped at
Andy's back. After a small bit of scuffling, they held Andy tightly.
Cologne stood in front of Andy.
"You are a formidable warrior," she said. "But, I fear, you would have
been little match for my future son-in-law."
"Future son..." Andy's voice slowed down. "...in... law?" Andy's eyes
glazed over.
Cologne punched Andy a few hundred times. Shampoo and Mousse released
Andy and he dropped to the ground, bloody and beaten. His clothes were
torn to shreds, and his glasses were shattered.
"Yes, Ranma Saotome. Do you know him?"
Andy slowly stood up. His eyes gave no indication that anyone was
home.
"Ranma... Sao... tome." Andy blinked several times; his 2300/2100
eyesight was not helping matters. "You are Ranma Saotome, in a clever
disguise!"
Cologne laughed. "It appears that your eyesight is not very
gooooouuurrrkkk---" Andy's hand snapped out and grabbed her throat.
With a twist of his body, he threw Cologne clear across the remains of
the Nekohanten.
Shampoo and Mousse attacked him, but Andy stepped away just as they
caught him, and the two Amazon warriors were pinned hard to the ground
quickly. A few crunching noises were quite audible as Andy stood on
their backs and twisted their heads violently.
"You cannot escape me, Ranma!" Andy walked quickly at Cologne.
"You are insane!" Cologne spat at Andy.
"You will be dead, Ranma!" Andy stepped at Cologne, swatted away all
of her strikes and elbowed her in the neck. As she fell backwards, he
stomped her into the ground and delivered a hard heart strike. Her eyes
rolled back into her head and she went limp.
"Hmm..." said Andy. "That was too simple. This pathetic wretch could
not have been Ranma Saotome." Andy surveyed the scene of destruction
and wanton violence.
"I'll go see if he's at Ukkyo's pancake place or whatever the heck
those things are."
Andy turned around and walked straight into a mailbox.
"How did that get there?" he mused, then turned again and walked down
the street.
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