I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't write anything worth squat, 
so hopefully, this'll get things flowing again.

S-P-A-M-L-I-T-E aight!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

    I simply stared.  I couldn't help it.  I mean, my god, I couldn't 
help but stare.  It had to be one of the worst things I'd ever seen in 
my life; though considering it's been fairly short thus far, it's not 
that hard.
    "This look right?" she asked me.
    I shook my head.
    "Nope," I replied with a sigh.
    The pigtailed brunette didn't look happy.  There was a moment of 
silence.
    "I'm tryin' as hard as I can!  You expectin' some kind of miracle?" 
she retorted.
    "Well, right now-"
    "It ain't funny!" she complained.
    Some sniggering behind her said otherwise.  A slap and a loud 
*SCHWACK* later, things were quiet again, but only for a half second.
    "Whaddya do that for, Ranko?!?" Ranma yelled.
    "'Cuz yer an insensitive jerk!" the brunette replied hotly.
    "You know, I didn't even say it that time," Akane noted.
    "Who asked you?" Ranma complained.
    I just sat there and stared.  It was impossible.  All I wanted to do 
was write a little fic.  Just one fic.  Just one!
    "What's his problem?" Ranma asked with a jerk of his thumb at me.
    "I think a car ran over his cat or something," Ranko said.
    That was all I could take.
    "I DON'T HAVE A $@%!ING CAT!" I shouted.
    "I hate cats," Ranma muttered.
    "How'd you do that?" Akane asked in amazement.
    "WHAT?!?" I screamed.  This was frustrating.  It was just too 
frustrating.
    "Calm down, take a pill or something," Ranko muttered.
    "I'm not the one that had a whole fscking herd of cows when I said, 
'people don't think you're a legit character.'" I replied.
    "That's different, she complained.  I didn't bother to dignify that 
response.
    "So how'd I do what?" I asked Akane.
    "That thing.  With the symbols," she replied.
    "Oh.  You mean the '$@%!'?" I asked.
    "Yeah."
    "Oh.  You just have to find the ampersand and such."
    "So that'd be, '$@%!' or '@$!%&#'?" Ranko asked.
    "Such language!" Nodoka chided from a corner.
    I sighed and hung my head.  This was a lot harder than I thought 
could ever be possible.
    "Can we just get on with it?" I asked tiredly.
    "So you want me to do what, now?" Ranko asked me.
    "Look, can you swing the sword around a little?  Correctly?"
    Ranko gave me a sour look.
    "Looks, I never said I could do this PERFECTLY."
    "You wrote 'am versed with iai forms' on your FSCKING APPLICATION!"
    "No need to scream!  I saw some stuff on a video game and I though 
tit was cool.  And is 'fscking' a real word?"
    I couldn't take much more.  I had to repeatedly bang my head against 
a wall.
    "You could really hurt yourself like that," Kasumi warned me.
    "Yeah, you don't have Ryouga's skull for that, man."
    I just wanted to cry.  Openly weep and give up.  That's all.  That's 
all I wanted to do.
    "So I swing the sword and-oops!" Ranko said quietly.
    There was now a deep throbbing pain in my left buttock.
    "That looks like it hurts," Ranko mumbled.
    "I think the blood does it," Akane commented.
    "That'll leave a stain," Kasumi noted.
    "Can I try that?" Ranma asked, motioning for the sword.
    "WHO GAVE OUT THE SHINKEN!" I demanded.
    "If you pay me, I'll patch it up for you," Nabiki said dryly.
    "You don't know first aid," I replied coldly.
    "Yeah, but if you paid me, I'd do it anyway."
    I don't know why I didn't cry right there, I think it was because I 
suddenly had a throbbing sensation in my right buttock.
    "Oops," Ranma mumbled to my right.
    I walked over and grabbed the shinken.
    *WHAM*
    My right cheek hurt.
    *SMASH*
    My right arm hurt.
    *BIFF*
    My left arm hurt.
    *SHAZAAM(c)*
    My second rib on the left side complained about being rudely moved 
out of proper place.
    *WHAM-O*
    I went limp.  I just went limp beacuse if I didn't I would probably 
would have lost my dignity, my bladder control, and my left eye (and 
probably the socket too).
    "Uh, sorry, man.  Reflex," Ranma said nervously.
    I didn't answer immediately.  I took me a bit, but I finally got 
around to an answer.  I think it surprised everyone.  Akane blanched at 
some of the choice phraseology.  Ranko handed me a stick of gum for some 
odd reason.  Ranma went back to swinging the sword whilst I lay bleeding 
and bent in odd shapes on the floor.  It was Kasumi who finally noticed 
my predicament and decided to do something about it.
    "Would you like the Sesame Street print Band-aids, or the Batman?" 
she asked me.
    God help me, I cried.  I cried like I never cried before...


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