A-kun and friends were watching the news one night when a news report 
came on.
	"Another peasant was found dead today, drained of all his blood.  The 
police chief suspects a werewolf or mummy and has had the Egyptian wing 
of the Rosemount Museum destroyed." Pat Eberts announced.
	"No!  They're wrong!  What they seek is the nosferatu!  The walking 
undead!" Huh? declared.
	Everyone stared at him blankly.
	"A VAMPIRE!" Huh? said in layman's terms.
	"Oh, Huh?, Vampires are make-believe, like Elves, Congress and 
Wyoming." TharzZzy said, dismissing the entire concept.
	"And in other news, Chris Davies has just closed a deal to buy the 
Rosemount Blood Bank." Pat Eberts said.
	The picture showed Chris Davies standing outside the Rosemount Blood 
Bank with a tinkle of blood running from the right corner of his mouth 
down to his chin.
	"Oh, I'm _very_ excited about this deal, I-uh, oooh, precious blood." 
Chris said, using his thumb to move the blood into his mouth in a very 
sloppy manner.
	"Ooooh, business deal." C-chan commented.

	"Wow, I can't believe Chris Davies invited us to his summer home in... 
PENNSYLVANIA!" A-kun said.
	"Really, I thought it was in Ontario." TharzZzDunN said.
	"No, no, it's in Massachusetts." C-chan added.
	"Hey, we're supposed to be in Vermont!" Huh? declared.
	"This looks like Colorado to me." ????? commented.
	"THAT'S IT!" A-chan yelled, pulling out a map and unfolded it.
	"DEAR KAMI, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" the rest yelled at her.
	It was too late, the map was unfolded and immediately expanded to fill 
all the empty space in the car.  TharzZzDunN could no longer see where 
he was going, but he COULD push down on the gas pedal.  He did.
	The car began to shudder as it began approaching the sound barrier, 
passed it, lapped it a few times, then laughed at it and shot forward.  
When TharzZzy finally stopped the car, he pulled down a corner of the 
map.
	"Hey, we're here!" TharzZzDunN noted, mystified.
	A-chan successfully performed her skill check to fold maps and the map 
was folded back into it's actual shape.
	"Wow, A-chan, how'd you do that?" C-chan asked.
	"It's all in the dice." A-chan answered.
	"Huh?" C-chan inquired.
	"I don't know." Huh? said irately.
	"Hey, why are we all wearing t-shirts that say 'I broke the sound 
barrier and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'?" ????? inquired.
	Everyone decided they didn't REALLY want to know.  They got out of the 
car.
	"Did everyone remember to wash their necks like Chris asked?" C-chan 
inquired politely.
	"Sure did!" TharzZzDunN smirked, pulling out a rag incrusted in 
barnacles, gremlins, grey ooze, protoculture and Guyver Unit-shaped 
spots.  Which were all attempting to mate with each other.  Everyone 
turned in disgust as the collective succeeded.
	TharzZzDunN got distracted, dropped the rag down into a 
mysteriously-well place incinerator, which lead to the New York City 
sewer system.
	"Let's go." Huh? said.
	They all went to the wooden door.  A-kun pressed the button on the 
intercom system to buzz Chris.
	"Hello my friends, come in, come in.  Ah, fresh victims for my 
ever-growing army of the undead." Chris said.
	"Uh, sir.  You have to release the button." came a subservant voice.
	"Well, son of a bit-" Chris began.
	The doors opened abruptly, cutting off anything else Chris might've 
said.  A-kun and company entered, looking around in awe at the size of 
Chris's "house" (aka. literally a castle).  Chris appeared in a puff of 
smoke.  He began sliding towards A-kun and company as his shadow moved 
to keep up, but it was obvious that his shadow was not in shape at all.  
He stopped to glare at it expectantly.  It gave him the finger, which he 
returned.  Finally, it caught up with him.
	"Ah, um," Chris fumbled.
	"A-kun and friends, Master." lackey #1 (aka. Tybalt) supplied.
	"A-kun and friends," Chris corrected, before adding, "Please, follow 
me."
	He turned and glanced at his shadow which was making obscene gestures 
at him.  He ignored it.
	"A-kun, notice anything strange about Chris?" TharzZzDunN asked.
	"Yeah, his hairdo is so queer." A-kun commented.
	"I HEARD THAT!" Chris snapped, turning to glare at the group.
	"IT WAS THE BOY!" A-kun declared, pointing at TharzZzy.

	Later, at the table, Tybalt poured them all drinks.  TharzZzDunN 
sniffed the glass.
	"Guys, this is BLOOD!" TharzZzDunN cried.
	"Correction, TharzZzy.  FREE Blood." A-chan amended, taking a deep 
swigs.
	TharzZzDunN spilled a little on his shirt.
	"Ooops, I got some on myself.  Guess A-kun and I have to go clean up."  
TharzZzDunN said.
	"But you didn't get any on me." A-kun said.
	TharzZzDunN emptied his glass on A-kun's head, grabbed the pitcher of 
blood that Tybalt had and emptied that down A-kun's pants.
	"Ewwwwww....-wAH!" A-kun commented as TharzZzDunN grabbed him and 
dragged him.

	"TharzZzDunN, Chris isn't a vampire and even if he was, do you think 
he'd have a useless lackey like Tybalt?" A-kun asked.
	"I know it sounds normal for me.  Some proof has to be somewhere around 
here." TharzZzDunN replied.
	A-kun pulled on a torch, which opened a wall, revealing a secret room.  
It was a coin-operated laundromat.  Three guys in surgical pants and 
dirty sweatshirts were looking to meet girls.
	"Zen!  Lawson!  And I don't know you." TharzZzDunN declared.
	"Well, I'm not Elsa Bibat!" the mystery man(?) said, before leaving to 
get into his '76 Impala.
	"AND THIS IS NEW!" the mystery man(?) yelled, driving away.
	"You're right, A-kun, we aren't going to just stumble on his secret 
lair like some weak-assed deux ex machina.  Like a spamfic that's sent 
out to the FFML." TharzZzDunN decreed snidely, before he and A-kun 
stared up at the readers and shook their heads.
	They wiped their feet and raised their heads to see a fifty-foot neon 
sign that read 'Secret Vampire Lair' that was next to a descending 
staircase.  They gasped, then wheezed, then panted, then shook their 
fists in despair at the Author.  They descended the staircase.
	"See?!" TharzZzDunN demanded as they reached the bottom, revealing an 
enormous room filled with coffins.
	"Big deal. This is just like the basement underneath Huh?'s house." 
A-kun answered.
	"LOOK!" TharzZzDunN sang before dancing over to a book, doing a 
piroutte.
	The book cover read, embossed in gold, 'Yes, I am a vampire hell-bent 
on world domination', the next line read, 'By Chris Stud-Man Davies'.
	The next line, in smaller font, 'Foreword by John Walter Biles and 
Kun-chan'.  TharzZzDunN opened it, reading it.  He gasped, "OH KAMI!  
THIS THING COST $16.99!  HOW DOES HE EXPECT IT TO EVER SELL?!"
	Suddenly, A-kun noticed the coffins opening, revealing various fanfic 
characters.  Ryo Muhoshin was in the lead (he had an orangutang on his 
shoulder that looked rather nasty as it was armed with a shotgun), 
followed closely by the Ranma from 'Ill Met By Starbucks' and the Kasumi 
from 'Aces and Eights'.
	"SHEBABABABABA!" A-kun rasped.
	"Yes, I've seen your impression of Kami-sama, A-kun." TharzZzy snapped, 
irritated.
	"GAAANANANANANANANA!" A-kun whimpered.
	"Yeah, I've seen your Akane too." TharzZzy barked.
	"BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU!" A-kun babbled.
	"Don't remind me of that New Year's Eve party where I got stuck in the 
closet with Urd." TharzZzy shuddered in vogue.
	"AAAAAH!" A-kun shouted.
	Tsubasa from Howard Stern's 'Private Parts 2' slammed his cybernetic 
claw down onto the page and tore out the $5 rebate coupon, scaring 
TharzZzDunN as he'd never be able to afford his lawnmower now.
	A-kun grabbed TharzZzDunN and pulled him.  TharzZzDunN ran ahead as he 
was faster than A-kun.  As A-kun had almost reached the top, he noticed 
a switch with the label of 'Super Fun Happy Slide'.
	"Oh, when am I going to be here again?" A-kun rationalized, ignoring 
common sense and pulling the switch.
	The stairs retracted so that the staircase was an enormous slide.
	
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" 
A-kun cried as he slid down only to see the vampires at the bottom.
	Ryo grabbed him and slammed him down to the ground.
	"NOT BY A GUY!  NOT BY A GUY!" A-kun cried desperately, using his arms 
to keep Ryo back.
	"OOK!" the orangutang 'ook'ed.
	A-kun managed to shove Ryo off, pulled out a holy banana that 
TharzZzDunN had given him a day ago for no apparent reason, peeled said 
banana and stabbed the orangutang in the heart with it.  It 'ook-crap'ed 
and collapsed.
	A-kun turned and ran, only to get clotheslined by a vampire-Mai 
Shiranui.
	"Well, I can't complain, really." A-kun said as Mai straddled him, bit 
him on the neck and began sucking the life out of him.

	"MOM! DAD!  I MEAN, ?????, A-CHAN!  CHRIS IS A VAMPIRE AND HE HAS 
A-KUN!" TharzZzDunN cried as he charged into the room and slammed into 
the table, knocking it over, out the window and down the side of Mount 
Everest, spoiling yet another flight test at Area 88.
	"Nonsense, A-kun is right here." Chris said, disgusted at the way Mai 
clung to A-kun and kept nibbling on his right ear.
	"A-chan, ?????, friends, Romans, countrymen.  I missed you during my 
prolonged, but uneventful absense." A-kun said mechanically.
	"Oh, TharzZzy, you and your stories.  Beer kills brain cells, A-kun is 
a vampire, Congress actually exists.  Now, let's go back to that...... 
building-thingy where our beds and TV....... is." A-chan rambled.

	Later that night, ????? awoke to hear a scratching noise at her window.  
She threw back the curtains to see what was the matter.
	"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" ????? cried as she saw A-kun dangling from a safety 
line (no, he can't fly).
	"WHOA-OA-AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" A-kun commented as he hung upside-down and 
banged on the side of the window.  At least the bats had given up trying 
to nest in his beard.  They flew away cooing.
	"Are those my keys?  I might be running out of change for the meter... 
OH!  ?????, join me in my evil quest!" A-kun demanded unconvincingly.
	"NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!" ????? cried, "Although I don't think that 'hating 
Shampoo' thing is too evil."
	"?????, it's not like you a choice here!" A-kun threatened, managing to 
unhook his harness and crash through the window...of the skylight 
beneath him.
	She heard a thumping of running feet and he burst through the door 
minutes later, gasping and out of breath.
	"Damn republican party." A-kun wheezed out.
	"NO!" ????? cried, stumbling back.
	A-kun lunged at her, copping a quick feel (Come on, he's evil!  Work 
with me, here people!), and prepared to bite ????? on the neck.  ????? 
punched him in the gut for copping a feel, then cowered in terror.  
A-kun clutched himself as ????? had missed his gut and hit considerably 
lower.
	"Dammit!  They still work!" A-kun squeaked out.
	A-chan and C-chan rushed into the room.
	"A-KUN!  How many times do I have to tell you not to bite your friends 
on the neck, drain their blood and subvert them to your brand of evil- 
WAIT A MINUTE!" A-chan cried, "TOSTITOS AND SALSA!!"
	A-chan dived to the bag and began snacking on them.
	"YOU ARE A VAMPIRE!" C-chan said, pulling ????? from A-kun's grasp.
	TharzZzDunN burst into the room.
	"QUICK!  WE HAVE TO KILL THE BOY!" TharzZzDunN yelled, waving a loaf of 
moldy bread and a can of Cheez-Whiz.
	"How'd you know he was a vampire?" Huh? asked.
	"He's a vampire?  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" TharzZzDunN screamed, leaping out 
the garage door.
	Everyone looked away from the vanished garage door.
	"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A-kun said, turning into a flightless ostrich (or 
was that a chocobo) and running out of the building.
	"Oh my kami!  Huh?, we have to do something.  Today, he's sucking 
people's blood and turning into flightless birds.  Tomorrow, he could be 
smoking or even double-parking!" C-chan worriedly decreed.
	Huh? nodded in agreement.  A-chan continued to chomp on Cheetos.
	"There's only one way to save A-kun now!  We have to kill the HEAD 
vampire!" ????? declared, holding the can of Cheez-Whiz.
	"Kill Chris Davies?!  Do I dare live out the American Dream?" TharzZzy 
asked, astrally-projecting his image into the room from the bathroom.

	"This is dangerous.  I wish we could've fit A-chan into that pet 
carrier." Huh? muttered, carrying A-chan.
	They descended down the staircase A-kun and TharzZzDunN had descended, 
ascended, then descended again, then ascended again and then descended 
yet again.
	"OOOH!  SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE!" A-chan squealed in naked delight.
	"No, A-chan." C-chan declared sternly.
	"Awww.  F**k, I never get to have any f**king fun." A-chan whined, 
lowering her head.
	A-chan lifted her head suddenly.
	"And no, I'm not going to go into a closet with you, A-chan." ????? 
replied to her unspoken question.
	"Damn!" A-chan cursed.
	They continued down the staircase and found the basement.  They looked 
for the fanciest coffin.  Then, they went past it and found the cheap 
pine box which was all Davies could afford after having stolen most of 
the boards.
	"Man, what a cheap ba---aaaah, let's just kill him.  C-chan, get out 
the video camera.  We'll do it in one take." TharzZzDunN commented.
	C-chan ripped the lid off the coffin.  TharzZzDunN took the can of 
Cheez-Whiz, slammed it into place and began hammering it down with the 
gleeful strength of a madman who had just had Frosted Ayanami-Os.
	"Um, TharzZzy.  That's his crotch." ????? told him.
	"Your point being?" TharzZzy asked.
	Huh? pulled out a second can of Cheez Whiz and went to town on Chris's 
kneecaps.  C-chan pulled a gun, loaded it with silver bullets and aimed 
it at Davies's nose hairs.
	"C-chan, those hurt werewolves, people named 'Kennedy' and David 
Letterman." ????? said.
	"So?" C-chan inquired, firing.
	"Oh for the love of-" A-chan said, pulling out a porn magazine and 
reading the articles.
	"Well, if no one else is going to do it, I am!" ????? said, pulling out 
a rejected student loan application and with her incredibly-incredible 
arm strength, duct taped it to Davies's face.
	"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Chris screamed while 
writhing in incredible pain and injury to his self-esteem.
	He crumbled away to dust and gold stars.
	"YAY!" The group cried.
	"TharzZzDunN, you're fired!" Chris yelled, reconstituting himself long 
enough to say something and disintegrating again due to lack of interest 
in his fanfics.
	"D'OH!" TharzZzDunN cried, tearing up the winning Lucky-Lotto ticket.

	"Well, I'm glad everything's back to normal." ????? said, smiling.
	"I'm a vampire and I'm here to suck your blood!" TharzZzDunN mumbled, 
shooting into the room like a rocket and crashing into the far wall.
	"TharzZzy's a vampire?!" ????? asked.
	"We're all vampires." A-kun said, finally able to hover decently.
	"But we killed Davies!" ????? cried.
	"You have to kill the HEAD vampire!" Huh? sneered.
	"Huh?!" ????? asked, frightened.
	"No, I'M THE HEAD VAMPIRE!  EHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" A-kun shouted.
	"Hey!  That's not possible!" ????? said, timidly.
	"You're right, I'm just being egotistical." A-kun said, shrugging.
	"I'm the head vampire." A-chan stated, smiling.
	"A-CHAN!?" ????? inquired, shocked.
	"Well, I can't concentrate on porn ALL the time." A-chan answered.
	They all lunged at ?????, then paused and turned to you, the reader.
	"HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!" everyone but TharzZzy said in unison.
	"HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYBODY!" TharzZzy declared, his head in the sink.
	"Loolooloolooololooolololooooloooolooooooloooo!" Everyone sang.
	Eva-00 played the piano as everyone danced on top of it.

=====================================
Alternate Scenes  by TharzZzDunN {JERK!}

	TharzZzDunN burst into the room.
	"QUICK!  WE HAVE TO KILL THE BOY!" TharzZzDunN yelled, waving a loaf of 
moldy bread and a can of Cheez-Whiz.
	"How'd you know he was a vampire?" Huh? asked.
	"He's a vampire?  Oh, this is gonna be sweeeeeet!" TharzZzDunN chuckled 
as he rubbed his hands together.
	"WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?!" TharzZzy yelled.
	Everyone looked.  Then looked back.
	TharzZzDunN was plugsuited up and riding Gunbuster and holding his 
Atari controller (TM).
	"Now, A-kun.  I've got you!" TharzZzy cried, accidentally flicking 
himself off him the unit.
	"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" TharzZzDunN shouted as he flew through 
the air as gracefully as a greased Evangelion.


	"No, I'M THE HEAD VAMPIRE!  EHAHHAHAHAHAHA!" A-kun shouted.
	"Hey!  That's not possible!" ????? said, timidly.
	"You're right, I'm just being egotistical." A-kun said, shrugging.
	"I'm the head vampire." C-chan informed, smiling.
	"C-CHAN!?" ????? inquired, shocked.
	"Well, I met this hotsprings penguin at this party and one thing lead 
to another, and well, badda-bing-badda-boom." C-chan chirped, shrugging.
	

=================================

	Happy Halloween!

	From A-kun, ?????, C-chan, A-chan, Cool and the Gang...er, TharzZzDunN, 
A Fish Named Wanda.... er, Huh? and the starting line-up of the 1976 
Rosemount Nega-Irish Demolition team!

______________________________________________________
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