Jason Liao <jasonl@hun.k12.nj.us> wrote:

Hi Gary!

Hello!

I've gotta make it  practice to read my mail sooner.  *sigh*

I've gotta try to *answer* mine sooner....

On Mon, 26 Oct 1998, Gary Kleppe wrote:

	Nabiki's briefcase clattered to the ground as she gaped in
disbelief at who was in her office. She rushed forward to hug her
sister.

Hey!  Later, you state that hugging wasn't Nabiki's style!

Hmmm... true. I'll think about modifying one or the other of these
things.

	Part of her hoped that Kasumi would stay gone. The eldest Tendo
sister had always been a bit inscrutable.

<snip>

>From your paragraph, it would seem as if you meant 'Part of her *had*
hoped that Kasumi would stay gone.

No, that's not what I meant... it did mean what it said.

	She found her teacher in the living room. "Good afternoon,
sensei! It's a beautiful day outside!"Kaede had been teaching her the

					^
Add a space or two.

OK.

Her mind stretched, twisting and expanding until she was looking down on
herself.

<snip>

eyes stared ahead. Healthy black hair topped its head -- that had been
what Kasumi had been swimming in, apparently -- tucking neatly into a
bow over its shoulder. It wore a frilly dress under a kitchen apron.

	*It's me,* she thought. *But how? How could I have been swimming
there? And do I really look like--*

She rose above herself...then rose above herself.  Doesn't make sense,
though you could just chalk it up to general spirit-stuff weirdness.

Yeah, different levels of self and all.

	Of course, there were no shortage of people like that in the
US, either....

 ^^
Either spell this out, or write it with the periods (U.S).  I
misinterpreted it as *us* mistakenly capitalized for half a second.

OK.

	"I've got your first assignment right here." He took a manila
folder from his desktop and handed it to Nabiki. "There's a factory
about a half-hour west of town where they make candy bars. 'Sweet
rewards,' they're called. They're quite popular, as I understand. My

 ^
Capitalize

Right.

making her more and more uneasy. "I'll see you over in China in a few
days."

Eh?  I though that Nabiki had declined to attend, mentioning her workload.

No, she just said that she had a lot of things she needed to finish
before leaving.

Gary, remember how I said that your last prelude didn't strike me as
moving as the earlier ones?  This more than makes up for it.  Of course,
since I'd read your drafts on your website earlier, I already knew the
ending, and it was *still* good.

Heck, I read this twice the first time around.  Once to get the story,
then later to catch all of the references 'Kasumi' made.

Glad you enjoyed the chapter. This one had a lot of subtle bits in it,
so I don't think everyone is going to catch everything on the first
reading.

As always, thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics