The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way.

I suppose this puts a damper on my idea to make my fortune selling 
HaM brand beer, huh?

    As always, feedback will be greatly appreciated, and public
response is preferred. Previous parts are at
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics#ham>

<cracks knuckles>  Okeydokey.

    Nabiki's briefcase clattered to the ground as she gaped in
disbelief at who was in her office. She rushed forward to hug her
sister. "Kasumi? How-- how did you get here?"

"I just flew in from Japan, and boy are my arms tired..."

    "Oh yeah." Nabiki stepped back and looked at her older sister.
Her hair was a bit longer than before, but in the same style, passing
neatly through a bow and spreading out over her back like a cloak. She
wore a light summer dress with a flower pattern. She still had the same
radiant smile. But something seemed different. Maybe it was her eyes.
They had a depth to them, as if the Kasumi that Nabiki was seeing was
only the tip of a very deep iceberg.

Still, ya don't need to see all of the iceberg to know that there's
only more ice underneath...

    Mother never came back home. Nabiki would later muse that fate
had been teaching her an important lesson: always get your promises in
writing, signed and notarized. Not that it would've done any good.

Interesting insight, but a little... blunt, I suppose.  It might be
better to let people construe from the flashback the lesson Nabiki
learned... 

    Part of her hoped that Kasumi would stay gone. The eldest Tendo
sister had always been a bit inscrutable. She usually seemed blissfully
oblivious, but every now and then something would slip through, some
clue that maybe she paid more attention to what went on around her than
anyone thought. Still, as long as she stayed in her kitchen, it hadn't
mattered. Now it was a different story. She was a completely
unpredictable element, and Nabiki didn't like that. It put the dream at
risk.

Ahh, yes.  Fanfic Cliche #47... Kasumi the Hidden Genius!  ;)

    She turned back to her computer screen. There were a lot of
things to take care of before meeting Kasumi for lunch.

She had to finish her game of Minesweeper, for one.

    She found her teacher in the living room. "Good afternoon,
sensei! It's a beautiful day outside!"Kaede had been teaching her the
way of the Kami for the last month and a half. Now it was time once
again for her daily lesson.

Two points for this paragraph:

One:  You missed a space between the end of Kasumi's quotation marks 
and 'Kaede'.

Two:  In the context you're using it in, 'Kami' shouldn't be
capitalized in this sentence.  It's a general term, not a specific
group name, in this instance.

    "Yes, I really can't blame them. Though they did take a
particular interest when I described Hibiki Ryoga. Strange."

Heh.  Entertaining.  I suspect we've seen these farmers before...  

    She let those thoughts float free and returned to her breathing.
Each breath was like a wave on the ocean, water flowing gently to and

>from the shore over and over in a ceaseless rhythm. Her muscles 
relaxed.

Her mind stretched, twisting and expanding until she was looking down 

on

herself. Her body melted away from her perceptions. Unencumbered by 

form

and substance, she danced through the ether, being everywhere and
nowhere all at once.

"Goodness," Kasumi said.  "Those magical mushrooms Kaede-sensei gave
me to help really do work."

    The little girl had then stood and walked to the kitchen. *I'd
better do it, then.* Something inside her had understood, or at least
had known that Mother wouldn't be cooking for them anymore. That hurt,
in ways that a little girl's mind couldn't comprehend. So she shut out
the pain and concentrated on making something to eat, the way she had
seen Mother do.

Again, a nice insight, and more subtle than the last one about
Nabiki.

    Kasumi leapt into the air. Her jump was much easier -- and
propelled her much farther -- than expected; it was the way she had
always imagined it would be like to walk on the moon. Landing gently 

and

deftly on a rocky outcropping, she looked back at the place she had 

just

come from. It was a giant woman! It smiled blankly as its huge 

focusless

eyes stared ahead. Healthy black hair topped its head -- that had been
what Kasumi had been swimming in, apparently -- tucking neatly into a
bow over its shoulder. It wore a frilly dress under a kitchen apron.

"Fee, fi, fo, fum," said the giant woman.

"Oh my," said Kasumi.

    Tendo Kasumi closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they
looked down on an adult woman. "Yes, Mother. I won't disappoint you."

This whole scene... very ominous.  Foreshadowing, perhaps?  "You have
a job to do, Kasumi... you can't stay with me... yet..."

    It was strange, the way she had felt when she left Nerima for
the United States. Nabiki loved her family. She couldn't wait to get
away from them.

This paragraph is confusing at first reading.  Might be better if the
last sentence were "She also couldn't wait to..."

    Later that night, memories of what she had done haunted her
dreams. Thoughts of people who were desperate for a little more money,
or health coverage for their children, and were now not going to get 

it,

thanks to her.

"Dental plan!"

"Lisa needs braces..."

"Dental plan!"

"Lisa needs braces..."

    It was her first year of Junior High school, and she had already
started making a little money on the side. She sold the phone number of
Seiuchi Saruko to every boy in school. Saruko was the captain of the
girls' volleyball team, and had been one of the first girls in school 

to

develop really large breasts. That she hated boys even worse than Akane
did hadn't concerned her suitors much. That she was even more violent
than Akane hadn't concerned Nabiki much. After all, Tendo Nabiki was a
clever girl, so if she got into trouble, she'd be able to figure out 

how

to handle it.

You'd like to think that, wouldn't you, Nabiki...

A girl who hates boys more than Akane and is more violent... yikes...

And oh yeah... Junior High shouldn't be capitalized.

    It was a lesson learned: no matter how smart you are, some
situations don't have solutions. Sometimes there's no way out.

You've got that right.

    "I would've too." For an instant, Kasumi's smile faded into a
pensive, almost melancholy stare. Then her usual cheerfulness resumed.
"But life takes some strange turns sometimes."

"When I was just a little girl... I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?  Here's what she said to me..."

    Kasumi came to a fork in the path. The narrow, short branch led
back to the temple. She didn't know where the other one went to. 

Someday

she would try it and find out; but for now she didn't have the time. 

She

had to get back to the temple, as it was her turn to cook dinner today.

Nice symbolic moment here, Gary.

    Something imperceptible floated at the edge of Kasumi's senses;
a feeling that she was suddenly being watched by something she couldn't
quite focus on. Kaede seemed to notice it too. Her gaze slowly began to
scan the darkened courtyard, fixing on something Kasumi couldn't see.

Hmm... I didn't get this at first reading, but now I think I do...  Is
something supernatural possessing Tofu?

    Tofu's eyes suddenly glazed over. His nervous expression changed
to a dopey smile. "Kasumi? Wh-- what a surprise to meet you here!" He
drifted towards Kaede. "Betty? Would you get Kasumi a cup of tea,
please? It's so nice that we could run into each other like this! What
time does this train arrive in Sapporo, Mr. Conductor? It looks like
rainy weather today!" He bounded off in a random direction, continuing
to babble unintelligibly.

<snort>  Psycho.

    "I've got your first assignment right here." He took a manila
folder from his desktop and handed it to Nabiki. "There's a factory
about a half-hour west of town where they make candy bars. 'Sweet
rewards,' they're called. They're quite popular, as I understand. My
kids are always after me to buy them some."

Capitalize the 'rewards' part of 'Sweet rewards'.  It's a product
name.

    For all the magic and all the superhuman strength that her
friends possessed, it would be Tendo Nabiki who would go on to
greatness. Tendo Nabiki, who knew what the real power in this modern
world was. Money. With it, someday she would be able to set things 

right

in this idiotic world. 

    But she had to get into a position of power first. And for now,
that would start with a phone call to a certain factory owner.

I find this view of Nabiki interesting, even if it doesn't completely
jibe with my own opinions about her.  She seems to have become an
"ends justify the means" personality in this story, and while I find
it hard to see her as desiring to make the world a better place, 
given her noted selfishness and lack of care for anyone beyond 
herself, it's still plausible enough to work.

    "Don't like sports? I thought everybody did." Charles Brandon
was a tall, muscular man who looked to be in his upper twenties. Neatly
styled jet black hair framed a youthful face with large brown eyes. His
only unattractive feature was an unusually prominent forehead.

Hey!  That's a sign of intelligence!

    Oops. Nabiki mentally kicked herself. Hadn't even considered
that. How could she be so smart and yet so stupid? Or had it just been 

a

case of willful blindness? Had she deliberately overlooked the possible
consequences of her actions?

Bingo.

    "I can't stay for very long. I want to tell you how proud I am
of all of the things you've managed to accomplish, all the success
you've had in your career."

Heh.  Who this is made very obvious to the reader by this point, but
not to Nabiki...

***

General commentary:

You continue to maintain the high standards of the previous chapters
with this one.  Two quite original views of the two eldest Tendo 
sisters are woven in here, and while things occasionally seem a bit
rushed because of this, it's generally handled well.

Eagerly awaiting the final chapter, and the long-promised main
series.  Good work, Gary.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

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