Brief Plug:  Previous episodes of Stateside, along with my other series,
Be Careful What You Wish For, are archived on my homepage at:

http://www.cis.ohio-state.edu/~kelsey/fanfics.html

Patlabor Stateside can also be found at R&C Books, at the following
link:

http://members.xoom.com/RC_Books/

*********

Patlabor Stateside
Episode #7: How Not to Get Rid of a Broken Refrigerator
by Bart Kelsey

     Mitch gingerly took a sip from his hot but tasty
vanilla cappuccino.  He yawned and looked across the table
at Ron, Laura, and Jody, who all appeared to be just as
drowsy as he was.
     "Hey," said Laura, "have any of you been by the break
room lately?"
     Mitch nodded.  "Sure, why?"
     "Have you noticed how downright awful it smells?"
     Ron leaned back in his chair.  "Now that you mention
it, yeah, it does smell pretty bad.  Any idea why?"
     Laura shook her head.  "Nope.  Harris and Larson said
they checked all the cupboards while they were on night duty
last night, but they couldn't find anything."
     Ron rubbed his eyes.  "Well, I'm sure whatever it is
will turn up eventually."
     "Oh, that's a pleasant thought."  Jody tipped her cup
back and downed the rest of her coffee.
     Weaver slouched down and put his elbows on the table.
"I know how much you people like talking about spoiled food,
so I hesitate to change the subject ... but what's this I
keep hearing about a new employee?"
     "Weaver," Jody began, "where have you been for the past
week?  The captain's been talking about her since last
Wednesday."
     "That explains it," said Mitch.  "I never listen to
anything Styles says.  So, back to my question ... who's the
new employee?"
     Ron contemplated.  "Her name is Elaine something-or-
other.  She's our new backup driver."
     Mitch looked up.  "What do we need another driver for?"
     "Because," said Jody, "certain unnamed current drivers
have a tendency to act impulsively in critical situations."
     "In that case, how come we aren't getting a new pilot
as well?"  Mitch looked pointedly at Jody.
     Jody glared at Mitch, but didn't reply.

*

     "Damn it all."
     "What is it?"  Tony looked up at Mitch, who was
standing atop the Corwin's boarding platform, peering into
the old labor's open chest.
     "This piece of junk chewed up another engine belt!"
     "Lemme take a look at it."  Tony scaled the ladder and
studied the belt in question.  "Yup," he said, "it's
shredded alright."
     Mitch was about to compliment the head mechanic on his
excellent grasp of the situation at hand, but was instead
interrupted by a shriek from the break room.  A moment or so
later, Jody bolted into the mech bay, apparently retching.
     "What's wrong with you?" Mitch called out.
     "I figured out where the smell in the break room is
coming from."
     Mitch turned around to face her, and leaned up against
the Corwin.  "Well, don't keep us in suspense."
     "The fridge broke down."
     "Oh man," grumbled Mitch.
     "That's not the half of it," said Jody.  "I think it's
been dead for over a week.  Some of the stuff inside looks
like it's growing hair.  And the smell ... wow.  It was bad
enough with the door /closed/."
     "Great."
     "Think maybe you could try to fix it or something?"
     Mitch frowned.  "Well, I've never actually tried fixing
any appliances, but I guess it's worth a shot.  B'sides, I
doubt it's all that much more complicated than this heap
right here."  He kicked the Corwin for emphasis.  "Whatcha
think, Tony?  Wanna take a break from these labors and see
if we can get the fridge running again?"
     "Fine by me," Tony said.  "Just as long as we get this
belt problem worked out by the time I go off duty tonight."
     Mitch slid back down the metal ladder and followed Jody
back into the break room.  Tony arrived a few moments later.
     He wrinkled his nose.  "Wow, what crawled in here and
died?"
     "Sorry," said Jody.  "It didn't smell quite so bad
until I actually opened the fridge up."
     "Well," Tony replied, "let's see if we can keep it
closed from now on, alright?"
     Mitch and Jody nodded their agreement.
     "Okay," he continued, "Mitch, you get on the far end
and help me pull this damn thing away from the wall so we
can get around to the back."
     "Hey," Weaver objected, "how come Jody doesn't have to
help pull it out?"
     "Because I'm a girl," she said smugly.
     "Ya know," said Mitch, "I'm gonna quote you on that the
next time you go off on one of your feminist rants."
     "Weaver, are you gonna help me move this thing, or just
stand there flapping your mouth?"
     Mitch sighed.  "I can't win."
     "Alright," said Tony.  "On three.  One ... two ...
three."
     "Hhhhrrrrrrrrrgggh!"  Mitch put all of his rather
limited bodyweight into pulling the fridge, which hardly
budged at all.  Tony's side moved slightly farther, but only
enough to wedge it in between the cupboards and the wall at
an odd angle.
     Tony grumbled.  "Weaver, go get Paccini and Larson for
me, alright?"
     "Hey," said a woman's voice coming from the doorway.
"I'm ... ugh, what's that smell?"
     Mitch looked over his shoulder at the voice's source.
She was about six feet tall, blonde, slender, and
devastatingly beautiful, especially in the short skirt she
was wearing.  "Sorry, miss," he said.  "We've been having
problems with our fridge.  I'm Mitch Weaver, by the way," he
added, extending his hand and grinning not unlike a horny
twenty-two-year-old idiot.
     "Elaine Peterson," she said, shaking his hand.  "I'm
the new driver."
     Mitch nodded, then decided that maybe he should let go
of her hand.
     "Uh," Elaine ventured, "aren't you going to introduce
me to your coworkers?"
     "Who, them?  Oh, sure!  This guy here is Tony Allison.
He's the head mechanic."
     Tony nodded.
     "... and in the far corner is Jody Morisato.  She's a
'pilot'."
     Jody glared at him.
     "Well," he continued, apparently oblivious to Jody's
stare, which, if looks could kill, would have frozen him
where he stood, "why don't I give you a tour of the
facilities?"
     Elaine nodded.  "I'd like that."
     "After you."  Mitch stepped aside politely and motioned
toward the door.  After a brief check to make sure his hair
was in order, Mitch filed out after her.
     "I'd like that," Jody jeered mockingly, once they were
a safe distance away.
     Tony shook his head and smiled.

*

     "... and this," said Mitch grandly, "is the labor bay."
     Elaine eyed the labors appraisingly.
     "Over here," Mitch gestured toward the Nova, "is our
pride and joy--the only Nova LE law enforcement labor
operating in the Midwest.  It's the largest, fastest
patlabor currently in existence.  I mean, not this one
specifically, but the Nova series in general."
     She nodded.
     "The one with its chest plate open is the Corwin.  Like
the Nova, it's also the only one of its kind operating in
the Midwest ... it's my understanding that the rest of them
have been decommissioned.  As far as I know, the police
department picked this one up from a construction company
back in '99."
     "Nice."
     "And finally," he indicated the remaining labor, "the
Apollo.  Back in May, when CAMP was formed, the Cincinnati
Special Vehicles unit was upgrading to Paladins, so they
sold it to us used.  They built it in 2002, so it's not the
newest thing out on the market, but it's still a pretty
solid labor."
     Elaine nodded with something that could have been
misinterpreted as interest.
     Mitch headed toward Ron and Gabe, who were speaking
quietly beside the west bay door.  Their conversation paused
momentarily as they appraised the new recruit.
     "Ron, Gabe, this is Elaine Peterson.  Elaine, these are
our two veteran pilots, Ron Paccini and Gabe Larson."
     "Ma'am," said Ron, inclining his head.
     Gabe gave a two-fingered salute.
     "Oh," Mitch addressed the two of them, "Tony needs your
help in the break room."
     "Great."  Larson shrugged his shoulders, and he and Ron
shuffled off to the room in question, leaving Elaine alone
with her all-too-willing tour guide.

*

     "You wanted to see us?"  Ron winced as he stepped into
the foul-smelling chamber.
     Tony nodded.  "If I'm gonna get this thing fixed, I
need it moved away from the wall so I can get around to the
back.  Weaver wasn't much help."
     Jody sniffed.  "And you expected him to be?  It'll snow
in hell before you get any productive manual labor outta
that little toothpick."
     "Jody," Ron said hesitantly, "are you angry at Mitch
for some reason?"
     "He's been giving me a hard time all morning."
     Larson nodded skeptically.  "Right."
     "And besides, what's he doing drooling over that woman?
She's ten years older than he is, for God's sake."
     "The truth comes out."
     "Just what the hell's that supposed to mean, Larson?"
     "Nothing at all, Jody.  Nothing whatsoever."
     "Alright," said Tony, "listen up.  On the count of
three, we'll drag the fridge out away from the wall.  Got
it?"
     "Sure."
     "Uh-huh."
     "Okay ... one, two, three!"
     With some pretty hefty heaving and grunting, the three
of them managed to inch the fridge out to a point where Tony
could get a good look at the back.  Jody watched them
bemusedly, figuring it would be a lot more fun to see them
struggle than suggest that they go get the dolly from the
storage room.
     Tony rubbed his hands together.  "Well, that's that.
Lemme run and get my tools, and I'll see what I can do."  He
exited the room, and returned a minute or so later carrying
a tool set, which he placed on the floor beside the fridge.
He rummaged through the box and brought forth a screwdriver,
and used it to take the back panel off the refrigerator.
     He blinked.  "Wow.  The compressor looks like it
shorted out.  We're lucky the whole building didn't burn
down."
     "So, can you fix it?" Jody asked.
     "Hardly.  'Bout all we can do now is cart this thing
out of here and give it a decent burial ... and hopefully do
that without letting the door open.  I don't think we want
anything that's in there getting out and trying to take over
the station."
     "Agreed," said Gabe.
     Tony took a deep breath.  "Alright, toward the door, on
three.  One, two, three!"

*

     "... this empty bedroom is where I assume you'll be
staying," Mitch continued.  "Bathrooms are down at the end
of the hall, on either side.  I'd advise you to take a
shower early--Morisato's been known to hog the bathroom for
upwards of three hours, so you don't want to get caught in
line behind her."
     "Noted."
     "Let's see here ... yeah, the lighting in here is
inadequate at best, so you'll probably want to bring a lamp
in or something.  Now, if you head this way, I'll show you
the training grounds outside."
     "Hey, Mitch," said Laura, who was exiting her room as
they turned to go back down the stairs.
     "Morning, Laura.  Have you met Elaine?"
     She shook her head.
     "Elaine, this is Laura.  She's a pilot."
     "Nice to meet you," said Laura.
     "Likewise."
     "I was just about to show Elaine the training grounds,"
Mitch explained.  "Want to come along?"
     "Sure."
     Mitch stopped as he reached the top of the stairs.  He
looked in the general direction of the break room, and said
something to the point of "What the hell?" but in slightly
more graphic language.
     The refrigerator was standing upright, one corner
sticking partly out the break room door.  From the looks of
the situation, Mitch surmised that it was just a bit too big
to fit through.  "On second thought," he said, "why don't we
head back down there and see what they're up to.  This might
be amusing."

*

     "It's not gonna fit," Tony stated.
     Gabe wiped a thin layer of sweat from his brow.  "I
gathered that.  Maybe we should try the other door."
     Ron shook his head.  "They're the same size.  We won't
have any more luck there than we did here."
     "Now hold on a second."  Gabe looked at Ron doubtfully.
"You're the ex-contractor here.  How did they get the fridge
in here through doors that weren't big enough?"
     "That's a good question ... but now that you mention
it, when the captain and I looked at the blueprints before
we picked this building out, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a
wall between the kitchen and the boiler room ... which leads
me to believe that they brought the fridge in through the
double doors after they first built the warehouse, and then
someone built the wall here later--probably because a boiler
room is a bit too muggy to take a break in."
     "Troubles?" asked Mitch, who had just come in through
the hall entrance.
     "The fridge is shot," said Tony.  "I'd suggest
replacing the compressor, but this thing's so old, I doubt
they still make one that'll fit it.  Only trouble is, it's
bigger than the doors, so we'll have to take it apart to get
it out of here."
     Jody blinked.  "Take it apart?  You smelled the stuff
inside it.  If we do it that way, we'll have to have this
whole place fumigated."
     Mitch cleared his throat.  "Well, there is another way,
I think."
     Tony looked at him.  "What?"
     "You're not gonna like it."
     "Out with it, Weaver."
     "Well, the window's big enough.  Just take it off the
frame, and pull the screen off, then shove the fridge
through it."
     "Mitch," said Jody, "that's the dumbest thing I've ever
heard."
     "Hey, I told you you wouldn't like it."
     "Actually," said Ron, "it could work, as long as we're
careful, and keep it door-side-up so the food doesn't spill
all over the place."
     Gabe nodded.
     Jody gaped incredulously.  "I can't believe you people
are actually--well, doesn't matter to me.  I'm /not/
involved."
     "Alright," said Tony, taking charge once again.  "Ron,
can you get the window out of the frame?"
     "Not a problem."
     Laura shrugged at Elaine, who evidently was unsure of
what to make of the whole scene.
     Meanwhile, Ron picked out a screwdriver from Tony's
tool chest, and removed the window in a matter of minutes,
leaving an empty pane that was just wide enough to fit the
refrigerator.  He unhooked the screen and set it down on the
floor beside the window.  "Ready when you are."
     "Now," said Tony, "we're going to have to tilt the
fridge back and slide it through the window long-ways.  What
we'll need to do is edge it up to the window and tip it over
backwards so that it's sticking outside, and then push it
through.  Questions?"
     "I have one."  Jody raised her hand.  "Doesn't this
strike anybody else as a bad idea?"
     Everyone nodded, including those about to participate
in the unorthodox appliance removal scheme.
     "Okay, just making sure."
     "Weaver, Larson, Paccini, get over here," ordered Tony.
"On the count of three, we'll start edging toward the
window.  One, two, three!"
     With some amount of effort, the four of them managed to
move the fridge so that it was reasonably near the window.
     "Ron and Gabe, you two get behind the fridge, and Mitch
and I will lean it toward you."
     Twenty seconds of grunting later, and the top of the
refrigerator was protruding from the break room's open
window.
     "Alright," said Tony, "this is the home stretch.  All
we need to do is lift up the bottom end and push it out the
window."
     The four of them knelt down and lifted upwards with
everything they had.  The defunct appliance almost left the
ground for a second or two.
     "Wow," said Mitch, gasping.  "This thing's heavy."
     "Good thinking, Weaver," said Jody.  "Thanks to you, we
have a broken refrigerator sticking half way out the
window."
     "Hey, it was just a suggestion.  I didn't make anybody
do this."
     "Hey guys," said Laura, "what exactly are we going to
say if the captain comes in here?"
     Gabe shrugged.  "Let's just hope he doesn't, and leave
it at that."
     "Welp," said Ron.  "Looks like we're gonna have to take
this baby apart after all."
     "Unless..." said Mitch.
     "Not again," Jody groaned.
     "Unless what?" insisted Tony.
     "Well, why not take the Apollo around the outside of
the building, and have it pull the fridge out through the
window.  I mean, it's already part way there, so there'll be
enough to grab ahold of."
     Ron shrugged.  "Sounds okay to me."  He looked at Gabe.
"Do you want to do the honors, or shall I?"
     "You go right ahead."
     "Good 'nuff."

*

     The Apollo strode proudly out of the labor bay a few
minutes later, and circled around to the front of the
building, where the CAMP task force had gathered to watch
the upcoming spectacle.  It reached down and grasped the
refrigerator firmly, then pulled.
     That, of course, was the moment that Captain Styles
chose to come outside and find out exactly what the ruckus
was.  "Just what the hell is going on?"
     Mitch saluted sloppily.  "We're replacing the fridge,
Sir."
     "Is it broken?"
     Mitch nodded.
     "Why are you pulling it out the window?"
     "Doesn't fit through the door, Sir."
     Styles gave a resigned sigh.  "Carry on."  Lighting a
cigarette, he turned around and walked back inside.
     Slowly but surely, Ron pulled the late appliance out of
the window.  When it was completely free of the building, he
held it up in the air victoriously--and it slipped out of
the labor's hand.
     The mess, to put it lightly, was spectacular.

*

ELAINE PETERSON
INTERNAL AFFAIRS
C.A.M.P. REPORT, DAY 1

Though I did not notice any outright violations of
regulations, I must make note that this is easily the
strangest group of people I have ever been stationed with.
With the general weirdness that goes on here, I am nearly
positive that there will eventually be a serious breach of
statute.  When that time arrives, I will report it
immediately so that action may be taken.

*

     Vince Gersht grinned smugly at the e-mail, taking a sip
from his coffee.

*

Epilogue:  The refrigerator didn't actually hit anyone when
it landed, but the broken parts and spoiled food took the
better part of an hour to clean off of the parking lot.
Wanted:  The Columbus Area Mobile Police are looking for a
good deal on a slightly used refrigerator.  Must include
warranty and be small enough to fit through a normal-sized
door.  If interested, please call 505-9101 and ask for
Mitch.