Jason Liao <jasonl@hun.k12.nj.us> wrote:

	He carried the dinner over to the computer and began forcing it
down. 

How about just saying he ate it?  I had this image of him opening the
case, and cramming the food inside.

I'll think about changing this.

	He'd recently heard that Shan Pu was on her way back from China.

How?  I doubt that he keeps in touch with the Kunos, and my impression
was that Ranma and Akane were asked more on a spur-of-the-moment type
thing, so it's unlikely that they'd mention it to him.

Unless he 's kept up that spy work?

News has gotten around somewhat. Probably Tsubasa's fault -- remember
that they used him to track down Mu Si.

She and Kuno were asking Akane, Ranma, and the others to go to her
village to protect them from some threat. Hikaru hadn't been able to
find out what they were worried about, only that it was something
dangerous enough that they might not all survive.

Ryouga:	My god!  It...
Azusa:	Pierre!  Kawaii!  Kawaii!
Ranma:	RETREAT, EVERYBOD...*choke choke*  *urk!*

Oh, wait.  She's with Mousse, so she can't be the threat.  Darn.

Nope. Not THAT dangerous, fer cryin' out loud! :)

was in High School. *Be careful around these sorts of people. After all,
you only have one life.*

This is a nice line, since it can be taken in two different ways.

Thanks, I like it.

	No, that didn't seem like it was going to happen. Hikaru had
been at Ikasama University for over a month now, and still hadn't met
anyone there.

Question:  Is he still wearing the candles on his head?

Nah, he does have *some* common sense.

Sayuka?"

Heh.

	She took the steaming cup in hand and walked to the bathroom. A
short relaxing soak in the tub would be the next step in her nightly
routine. It was always something she looked forward to during the day.
Still, she would have happily put it off to talk to Hikaru for a little
while. She wondered why he had run off so suddenly.

Foreshadowing to a relationship?  Interesting...

Maybe... but mainly just to show that Gos' problems are at least partly
of his own making.

	She opened her underwear drawer. It was empty.

This line seems rather abrupt.  I don't know if you'd consider that good
or bad here.

I'll take another look at it.

	"Who are you? What do you want?"

Now, hold on.  He's lived in Nerima.  Doesn't he know?

He has seen Happosai at least once (the Romeo and Juliet story), yeah.
His reaction is mainly because he's startled.

	"I was once a lad of your age myself. You may not believe this,
but as a youth I was short, scrawny, with no money or social status--
the kind of guy who pretty ladies would never give a second look to."

"And look at me now!  In my old age, I'm short, scrawny, with
no money or and respectible social status--the kind of guy who pretty
ladies either run away from, or try to pulverize!"

Yep. That's progress for ya!

Y'know, I haven't seen much Ranma, and I've read fanfics that state that
he's a marvelous cook, and those that say that he's horrid.  Which is it?

I think he could be pretty good at it if he really wanted to -- which he
doesn't.

	"Not let you go?" A wicked gleam formed in Akane's eye. "Of
*course* I'll let you go, Ranma! After all, to catch Happosai we're
going to need some really attractive bait!"

Wait a moment.  Why does he have to be on stage?  He could always be in
the audience, and look for Happosai like that.

He could be, but in that case there'd probably be a whole crowd between
him and Happy if the old geezer did show up. Anyway, Akane's enjoying
this. :)

Now, hold on.  I've lost the timing here.  Either he learned how to use a
technique in a couple of hours, or several weeks have passed by without
notice.

Time has passed. I'll look at it again and see if I need to be more
explicit about it.

"You want to learn something flashy? I'll teach you a little thing
called the Happodaikarin. It's one of my favorite ki attacks. Ranma will
never be able to learn it, but I think you can."

Wait a moment.  Since when is the Happodaikarin a chi attack?  It's just a
big firecracker.

In HaM, it's a ki attack. There's no direct evidence that I know of
saying whether it is or isn't in the canon. I do seem to recall Happosai
mentioning that Hinako was immune to the Happodaikarin, which would seem
to indicate that it is ki-powered.

energy. Ranma uses a ki attack based on his self-confidence. That's a
relatively common one.

I thought Ranma *invented* his attack, and that the Shi Shi Hokoudan was
the common one.

Ranma invented it, but there's no reason not to believe that there
aren't similar attacks out there. I think confidence-based attacks would
be more common because confidence is a more likely characteristic for
advanced martial artists than depression.

	Akane mouthed off some random Chinese syllables. "Zheige hua
meiyou shenme yisi. Fanyi zhi hui langfei shijian."

Does this mean anything?  I know Chinese, but I can't read pi-ying.

See Dot's post.

Wait.  He's been thinking depressing thoughts here, so he ought to be
doing a Shi Shi Hokoudan.  How 'bout cutting out the self pity paragraph,
or sticking it somewhere earlier?

I'll see what I can do here.

to hear two voices, one of them unmistakably Ranma. There were no words,
just impassioned grunts and gasping.

This contradicts the ending.

No, the words came a little later.

<snip Akane's taunt recollection>

Just my own opinion, but I thought that this was wordy, and just didn't
give me the feeling of pity.  You know that rule, Show, don't Tell?  It
seemed to be more Tell than Show.

Hmmm... I kinda liked it, but I'll take another look at it.

	But he didn't. He chose Akane.

				^^^^^
If you're following her thoughts, then this word  ought to be "her"

For some reason, when I wrote this it looked like saying "her" there
would be ambiguous. I'll think about changing it.

	"Hikaru? You want to... Are you sure? It'll be dangerous, and
you aren't combat trained like the rest of us," Akane said.

So, is this why you have Happosai train Hikaru?  Interesting...

Well, that's part of it... I do think it led to an interesting story in
and of itself, though. :)

Gary, this fic was okay, but compared to the first couple of preludes, I
think that it's overshadowed.  It didn't grab me the way the others
did.  Just my personal opinion here.

No problem, I appreciate hearing your thoughts on the story. I don't
really expect every chapter to grab every reader. Thanks for the
feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics