"Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com> wrote:

       True, his parents always seemed happy to see him every time he
went home for break. But somehow that didn't count. People who were
related to you had a built-in obligation to put up with you.

Hikaru has obviously never met my grandmother.

Well, not everyone *honors* that obligation... :)

       The steady hum of the microwave ended with the ring of the 

bell.

Hikaru stepped across the cramped one-room apartment and removed the TV
dinner from the oven, cautiously inspecting the steaming food items. 

The

potatoes felt a bit rubbery and the corn was brownish-colored, but all
in all it would be okay with some salt and pepper for flavor. It was a
change from instant ramen, anyway.

In that it tasted awful, whereas instant ramen is Food of the Gods?

Nope. Both tasted awful, but this one was a new and different kind of
awful. :)

I don't think High School should be capitalized here.  If you were
referring specifically to Furinkan High School, then yes.  But not in
this case.

Will correct.

       The only people he knew there were Akane and Ranma, and they
probably didn't even know that he had ended up at the same school that
they had. During his first two weeks he'd taken photos of Akane every
day with a telephoto lens. She was his Goddess, and this was his way of

Goddess shouldn't be capitalized.  Unless it's a specific name... e.g.

"Thor is my god," said the Viking, consuming a can of Spam.

"Then God help you," said the Spanish Inquisition.

I didn't expect the... um, all right, I'll change it.

Okay, I'd like to officially declare if anyone ever writes 
"Rosemary's Baby 1/2" I will be forced to respond in kind by writing
something like... I don't know, "Waters Under Earth : The Musical".
Yes, that sounds sufficiently horrid.

Wouldn't bother me. I already suggested to Krista that she write a
skating musical version of her series. If Hearts ON Ice ever comes out,
you'll know who to blame.

       "My name is Yuka. I live on the second floor." She showed an ID
card.

       "Yes, I think I've seen you before." He motioned for her to go
in.

And an immense groaning sound was heard throughout the entire 
universe.  

Wow, didn't know I had that many readers....

Cool... they let the profs smoke in class at this university?

Dunno. Some of them might carry their pipes with them, or maybe Gos has
seen them in their offices.

       "You like Akane, do you? Ever spend your time just thinking
about what it would be like to be close to her? Those lips, those legs,
those huge...."

Eyes?  Mallets?  What, what, don't trail off, it was getting 
interesting...

He was going to say "... martial arts skill levels."

       "Oh Ranma!  It's so *big*...will it fit?"

       "Hey, no sweat, Akane. Just move your end down a little." Ranma
pulled the refrigerator in through the doorway towards the kitchen, as
Akane followed behind holding up the other side.

Innuendo.  Where would we be without it?

The line above was posted by someone in a spam thread as an example of
what a really raunchy lemon is like. I felt the need to use it in a
totally non-lemon context. :)

didn't need to make it worse. Besides, he had heard about "karma" in 

his

philosophy class, and didn't want this kind of thing to rebound back
onto him.

Cool.  Ranma's become a hippie.  Peace, man.  Far out.

Nah, the New Age movement only borrowed that stuff from the Eastern
religions.

       "We need some way to figure out where Happosai's going to 

strike

next. Then I'll teach him to pick on defenseless young women."

1.  Here we witness the set-up of the "joke" or "gag"

       "He already knows how to do that. Whoa! Some nightclub near

2.  Here we witness the conclusion of the "joke" or "gag".  Laughter
now ensues.

Hey, Ranma's gotta have a sense of humor....

       "Did you get them?" Happosai sat idly on the chair, like a king
on his throne, eating all of Hikaru's snack food.

At once?  He'll lose that svelte figure.

Not with his metabolism....

       "Yeah. I'm using a Chinese name. A lot of people cheer for me
because they think Chinese girls are easy."

Hmm... I'd watch those throwaway comments, Gary.  

Hm? I'm not saying I agree with that.... :)

       The door opened. A woman entered, one whom Akane recognized
instantly. She stood tall, elegant, with an air of superiority, and, as
if the rest weren't distinctive enough, pale white hair and skin.

Oh my god!  Kima got to appear in a fic for once!  

Nope. But expect her to show up in HaM.

Should 'Lingerie' be capitalized in this sentence?  If so, 'contest'
should be capitalized as well.

Will correct.

Hikaru, m'boy, the only way to get through life is to stop being
disgusted by this.

If you can....

       "Aaaaa!" he cried. It was about to explode and kill him!

       Desperately, he drop-kicked the bomb up toward the ceiling.

"Maybe it will kill all these innocent people instead!"

"Um... oops?" :)

       "Sweetie!" Happosai suddenly appeared on stage, grabbing onto
Liang and fondling her breasts. The cheers of the audience changed to
startled gasps.

Hmm... shouldn't that sentence be "the cheers of the audience of
drunken male college students increased tenfold"?

Nah, they were outraged that Happy got to do it and they didn't.

       A small narrow-eyed man in a Doctor's coat came out. He scanned
the room, as if looking for someone. He turned to Ranma. "Excuse me,
sir, did you notice where the woman who was sitting here went?"

Doctor shouldn't be capitalized here.

Right.

       "Let's put it this way. If there's anybody who did, he probably
didn't live to talk about it." Ranma pulled his chair back and started
to get up. "Look, I gotta be going. Really Thanks for the tea and all
but...."

Shouldn't be a capital on that 'thanks', and there probably should be
a comma between the 'Really' and the 'thanks'.

I think the problem is I left out a period after Really.

       Ranma was inside. Hikaru had seen him with that woman walking,
followed them here, and watched them go in the house. He didn't know 

for

sure why they had come here, but he could guess.

The second sentence starts a little confusingly.  You might be better 
off beginning "Hikaru had seen him walking with that woman, followed
them..."

Yeah, that does sound better.

       "A one night... WHAT?! You're a liar! We didn't...." Ranma felt
a soreness from below, telling him that he was the liar. How could this
have happened? HOW?

Drugs, Ranma.  Why do you think they call it dope?

Sometimes they call him that too....

Primary problem I have with this chapter arises in the latter half,
after Ranma's been seduced by Asuka.  Akane is way too quick to
forgive him.  Even with Hikaru's evidence.  Even though they're
married now, I don't think her mind works that way; she'd 
automatically start seeking explanations other than the one Ranma
gave her.  I think she'd eventually begin to forgive him after a few 
days, but not so quickly.

Point taken. It's been argued that Akane is overall too nice in this
series, and I think there's some truth to that. When I first started
plotting and writing it, "Akane the Psychotic Maniac" stories were
popular, and I probably overcompensated.

 And all excuses aside, her husband did end 
up making love to another woman... that carries a lot of emotional
baggage with it, no matter what context it's in.

True -- though things have been superficially worked out for the moment,
Ranma and Akane will have to come to terms with their feelings on this
incident. You'll see this in subsequent installments.

Beyond that, I remember not being too keen on this chapter the
first time I read it, but on a second reading, I really began to
like it; there is a sense of low-key sadness to Hikaru's story that
is very powerful at times.  Not the same level of emotional drama as
the death of Cologne in Prelude Six, but deeply effective all the
same.  I think it's mostly because he doesn't get anything even
resembling a happy ending, except for his realization about not
wanting to become like Happosai... Despite having some of the
funnier jokes in the series so far (I cracked up at the "I live on
the second floor" one), this one ultimately left me feeling very sad.

It's sad, but in some sense I think of it as a victory for Gos -- in a
moral sense. In any case, his story's far from over, and we'll see what
happens to him in HaM.

Nice work as usual, Gary.  Keep it up.

Thanks! As always, I greatly appreciate the commentary.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics