At 12:07 PM 10/15/98 -0400, Carly wrote:

hi!  Thought I'd try a hand in an Escaflowne one for a change of pace.

*grin*  Thanks.  I think we need more.

*snip*

Hitomi looked up to her mother, although a bit more wrinkled and

"to" should be "at"  I believe that you should end this sentence and
start a new one about Hitomi's mother.  

<Though a bit more wrinkled and growing grey...>

growning grey, her mother was a vibrant as ever, "Hai, Ouka-san!"  She

Put the dialogue in another paragraph--and do you really need that
exclamation mark?

<"Hai, Ouka-san," she said while...>

Is Ouka-san Hitomi's pet name for her mother?  If you're referring to the
Japanese way of saying "Mother," then maybe you want "Okaasan"--
at least that's the way I've seen it romanized.

said while drawing a breath in.  She never knew for sure, but she was
almost positive her trip to Gaia had taken a few years off of her
mother's life from worry.

That last sentence should be reworded.  You try to shove so much
info into one sentence that it gets confusing.  I don't quite understand
what you mean.  Are you trying to say that Hitomi's disappearance
X years back had prematurely aged her mother (because of worry)?

*snip*

Hitomi looked ot her left.  Her best friend Yukari, and her fiancee

"ot" -> "to"

The second sentence is not a real sentence--all you have is the subject
and no verb.  There is some confusion as to who is engaged to Amano.
Could you make that clearer?

Amano-san.  Sure she had had a crush on Amano when she was in high

Perhaps you want to refer to him as "Amano-sempai."  I have a feeling that's
how she'll think of him...and I've seen some discussion on this list in the past
that the title doesn't go away even when you get older.  Of course, this is
a matter of preferences.

<Sure, she had had...>

school, but she had just finished college now and she had long since

Maybe it's just me, but I think the college part was a nonsequitur.  I think
she gave up on Amano when she first returned from Gaia.  After reliving that
day, she suddenly realized that Yukari loved Amano--and that she loved
someone else.

given up on him.  Her best friend was so happy with him, and they looked
so cool together.  Besides, she didn't love him.  She loved....loved....

Cool?  As much as that statement brings a smile to my face, it still
sounds out-of-place.

*snip*

<...by all the attention...>

the attention, but it wasn't like she wasn't used to it.  In Gaia,
almost everyone stared at her, her having different clothes and all.

Maybe <...stared at her because of her different clothes and...>

But that was so long ago.

I like the way you show her thoughts constantly go back to Gaia...
and to a certain person.

"So, what did you wish for?"  Yukari asked.

Hitomi shook her head, "I thought you weren't supposed to tell.  That
way, my wish will come true."  *Please let it come true*

Since Amano was the one to explain this quaint custom to Hitomi, maybe
he should interrupt at this point and explain about the no-telling rule.
(Hey, anything to get him a few more lines ^_^)

Yukari grinned, "I suppose.  Well, we should get going.  We still have a
lot of planning to do before the wedding," She said while interlocking
her hands with her fiancee.

Maybe
<Yukari grinned.  "I suppose....">

I think the mention of the wedding was too sudden--I was like, why did Yukari
suddenly bring that up?  You are making a big deal about Yukari and Amano
as a couple--maybe Hitomi can express some envy about that?  I know she
doesn't want Amano anymore, but maybe she envies that Yukari has someone
while her special person is out of reach.

*snip*

Her mother knew better than not to pry so she gave her daughter a kiss

Maybe you want to get rid of "not."  Hitomi's okaasan seems like the
non-interfering type.

*snip*

Moonlight poured in through a window in the Kanzaki's house.  Hitomi sat

Maybe you should say <...in through Hitomi's bedroom window.>

at her desk, staring aimlessly through her window.  She held her pendent

<pendant>

in the air and swang it back a forth, "Ichi..... Ni.....San....," She

<back and forth.  "Ichi...ni....san.....">

frowed when it went off another way than she counted.  No this wasn't

<frowned>

I don't understand what you're trying to say there.

<No, this wasn't...>

the same, it didn't keep the time like the other.  Her Dragu Energist
necklace was left back in Gaia, with Vann.  Her mom had given this one

Maybe <..was still in Gaia, with Van>

<...had given her this one...>

to her for her birthday.  She knew that she meant well when she had
bought it.  It was the right shade of pink, the right chain, the right
cut, but, it wasn't the same.

Maybe if you reorganize the last two sentences.

<She knew her mother meant well.  It was the same shade of pink....
but it just wasn't the same.>

This was a day she was looking forward to for a long time now.  Her 23rd
birthday.  She was definately an adult now and had finished college the
following year.  She had dated no one else since her return to Earth.

I'm confused.  Okay, she's 23.  Did she finish college yet?  What's this
about the following year.  I think you should be more subtle about her
not dating anyone.  And saying that she had dated no one else makes
it seem as if she was dating Van exclusively on Earth.

*snip*

Her mother had re-married after her fathers death.  Soon it would her

*raise eyebrow*  Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention during the anime,
but I don't remember anything about her father dying.

Anyhow, <father's>

mother and her new step-fathers anniversary.  She smiled, as she knew

Which one?

her mother wouldn't be sad.  Yukari had Amano-san, and she was happy for
them.  they wouldn't be sad either.

Capitalize "they"

Hitomi smiled as she gathered up her bag of clothes and silently slipped

She's smiling too much.

a note onto her mothers nightstand without waking her or her husband.

That was too much info in that one sentence.  I don't think you need the
not-waking-her-parents-bit.  And instead of referring to him as "husband,"
maybe you should use stepfather.  And please remember to use the
apostrophe for possesive nouns.

She rushed out of the house, bag in hand and ran down the street.  Being

<...house, bag in hand, and...>

an all-star sprinter helped out quite a bit with this as she felt the
cold night air whip through her now shoulder length hair.

Helped out with what?  All she's doing is running down the street.
Even I could do that, and I'm not the most athletic of people.  If
she had a deadline or appointment--that would be a different matter.

I feel that you're trying to cram too much info into a limited amount
of space.  You want to give us details, but you don't want to devote
a whole sentence to your descriptions.

A smile couldn't help but rise through her lips as she reached her
destination.  The old highschool's track.  She had so many memories, but
wouldn't allow herself to stop and think of them at the moment.

I think Hitomi is smiling too much.  I think "high school" is two words.

*snip*

"GO!"  She yelled out as she sped down the track.  She had long since
broken her record or 13 seconds, but having a bag in her hand did slow
her down conciderabley.

<...broken her record of 13 seconds...>

<...her down considerably.>

*snip*

finally engulfed.  Her feet rose slowly form the ground and she grinned

<from>

widely, "We'll always be together, if our feelings are connected....
Vann."

That's touching.  I wish that Van would make an appearance though--
maybe holding his hand out towards her.

Okay, to reiterate some of my comments.  You want to move the story
along and keep things short, but you also want to include details about
Hitomi--physical changes, what's been happening with her and her family
and friends.  I think you should slow down and describe them.  Don't
treat them as if they're inconsequential things that are mentioned in
passing.  Fill in Hitomi's backstory.

It's hard to tell who you're talking about at times--there are too many
"shes" and "hers" that could be confused.  Specify who "she" and
"her" are.  If you're talking about Hitomi's mother and her stepfather,
don't say, "her mother and her husband."

She's smiling way too much.  Maybe different facial expressions or
emotions are in order--or maybe you shouldn't mention them so much.

I think you did a good job of telling us why Hitomi chose to return to
Gaia now.  I think she was waiting to grow up--to take care of all the
things she needed to take care of, including making sure that her
friends and family no longer needed her.

Hope my comments help.

Venkarel
(who suddenly wants to watch the anime again)