Finally done!
In order to be productive, I've sent it to as many people possible ;-]
*ducks flame spells*.
WereTorgo, could you drop this by ATMM for me?
At any account, be prepared to now read a tale of ridiculously
over-criticised and under-written fan fiction.
+++++++++++++
Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
'MSTed: Moonbrat's 'Dissection' of "Bloodbath"'
By The B.A. Captain Bungie!
----------------------------------------------
MiSTie number 4 for me, and a special cameo by none other than
the Beastie Boys!
Oh yeah; if you hate the Beastie Boys, disregard the ending host segment.
----------------------------------------------
[disclaimer, credits at end]
[Season 9 Opening]
[This time, the doorway sequence after the Guitar Twang
leads directly to the Theater, and Mike & Co. walk in.
The screen is an opaque white.]
[Mike and the Bots get seated, L-R: Tom, Mike, Crow.]
Mike:[grumbling] I can't believe you guys...
Tom:[defensively] Jeez, Mike, you make it sound like we were _trying_ to
pick a
fight with the Canomorph Hegemony Space Fleet Commander.
Mike: Well, you DID!
Crow: How were _we_ supposed to know that they were still playing Sega?
Mike: [sighs] I just hope Gypsy gets done with the repairs soon...
[Suddenly, the screen switches on to Castle Forrester. M+tB jump back,
startled. Bobo is fiddling with the screen, until Pearl pushes him away
from the console.]
Pearl: Hey, Nelson and tincans. I don't know what you did to the SOL, But
If I'm paying for repairs, you're paying with your lives!
[Observer steps forward]
Observer: Your experiment for today is a needlessly over-MSTed sailor
moon
Anti-fic, called 'Bloodbath'.
Pearl: I'd like to see you even try and riff this one, ha ha!
Observer: [does brain thingy]
[Castle Forrester fades out, and is replaced by fic]
Mike: Well, that was weird.
Crow: Not to mention foreboding...
Tom: We're trapped in here with an anti-fic. No, worse, an Anti-MST!
Mike: Stay frosty, guys...
Crow: Mike...
Welcome, readers.
Crow:[nav] The rest of you can leave! That means you, with the bombs!
For my 3rd MSTing, I have decided to rip apart
Mike: Any and all MSTing conventions, seeing as he's never seen the show.
Crow: Does this mean we don't have to watch this?
Mike: No.
Crow: Crap!
the
dissection of Bloodbath.
Tom: Hey! If anyone's gonna be doing any dissecting of this here fic,
it's gonna be me!
Crow: Once again, we're getting used goods.
Mike: A rant, a MST, an AntiFic by the MSTer...no good can come of this.
Dissected courtesy of the rant queen herself,
Crow: Clare Mosely?
Tom: Bob Guerin?
Mike: ToraZiyal'sacutie?
Crow: Karen Parker?
Tom: Raven?
Mike: Vince McMahon?
Moonbrat!!!
Tom: Who?
Crow: [nav] She'll always be _my_ rant queen...
Mike: [nervously] Crow, [looks upward] _he_ might hear you...
Crow: Been reading Cthulhu stories again, huh, Mike?
Mike: I wasn't talking about that...
This little rant I have rated R for -R-eally bad!
Tom: No objections here.
Yeah, i know that the fic which I wrote is bad, but
Crow: [Nav] I just can't help it! I mean, the moonies just suck so much,
there's no way to resist! It's too easy!
Mike: Crow...
this dissection is just
plain wrong.
Mike: Yeah, don't steal our schtick!
Since in most dissections there is no way to tell between
original work and added rant, I have decided to make it easier on the
reader by adding little () parenthasees around Moonbrat's add-ons.
Tom: I'm already starting to dislike Moonbrat's 'dis-section'...
Crow: I'm not partial to either...
MST3K is property of best brains,
Tom: 'MST3k'? Maybe Senshi's Trisexual 3,000?
Mike: Sounds like a dumb puppet show.
Crow: 'Best Brains'...I think Observer had something to do with this...
Sailor Moon is property of Nakoto T.,
Tom:[nav] So please don't sue me pleasepleasepleaseplease!!!
Mike: Even Nav the Destroyer is afraid of the Copyright Cops.
the bloody antific was written by me,
Crow:[Nav] Yeah, ME! And I'm PROUD of it! You hear me! I'd do it again if
I could, bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
and the horrendous whining over an
old, very bad self-insertion was written by
Tom: Leave Gonterman out of this!
Mike: I don't think Nav was talking about that...
Moonbrat. Please, attempt to
enjoy my attempts at salvaging her little rant into an MSTing.
Crow: I'm not promising anything, Nav-o-rod...
_____________________________________________(insert line joke here).
Tom: Sorry, the line jokes have *flatlined*...
They say no one can hear you scream when you are in space.
Mike: Unless, of course, you're in a cheesy Star Trek movie and it's
dramatic enough to warrant it...
Tom: Or you're reading a fic by Kefka...or Ratliff, for that matter...
It is a good thing too, because the screams coming from the SoL movie
theatre on one particularly sadistic April 1st would have been enough to
drive anyone mad. Unless of course, they were already Mad.
Crow: Uh-oh.
Tom: This is gonna hurt...
Mike: Well, we are dealing with the anti-fic king, here...
Crow: Issei Mataloun? Where?
Mike: Not that one, Crow...
Within Deep 13, Dr. Forrester was taking great pleasure in listening
to screams coming from his 3 guinea pig stand-ins.
Tom: Hey! I think we just got knocked.
Crow: Dr. T was getting off this?! EWWWWW!!!!
If he hadn't known
better, he would have sworn that they came from the very bowels of the
deepest pits of hell, as souls were eternaly fried.
Tom: [darkly] Deep fried with grease, and lightly breaded.
Crow: [ditto] And sold to Skippers for a heavy price: the price of one's
SOUL.
Mike: Cut it out, guys...creepy.
Being tired of sending ONE bad movie, fanfic, or usenet post at a time,
the
evil Doctor had instead tried a different approach on this day of
mischief.
Tom: Dr. Thinker is back, and this time, he's PISSED!
He was sending them a MARATHON of hellish "entertainment".
Crow: Best Brains Presents: The April Fool's Day MSTing Massacre!
Mike: [evilly] And there were no bathroom breaks!
Tom: [gasps] That's evil!
He had started off this plan a few days before, forcing the occupants
of the SoL to turn over all non-mind knumbing entertainment equippment.
Videogames, videotapes, the like. He then sent up to them, in
replacement of their sanity keepers, a wave of
Tom: 70's era Marvel Comics.
Burger King kids meal toys.
Tom: Same difference.
For days, Mike, Tom, and Crow had suffered, but a few days later, the
REAL
mind killers came in.
Mike: Well! It's a good thing Dr. F was a complete quack, or we might
have had to suffer this!
Early, at 3am, all 3 were forced into the movie thatre. They started
with a bad movie, softening them up.
Mike: You know, Clay really never did have a game plan.
Crow: Yeah! He'd just send stuff up, looking for the magic bullet.
Tom: You don't think Pearl would have a strategy behind the stuff she
sends us...would she?
Mike: Nah.
Crow: Well...
[After a few moments of unsure silence, the riffing continues:]
They then were hit by a flood of
Old Navy commercials,
Crow: Hey! I _like_ those commercials!
Mike: [shakes head] Crow, Crow, Crow...we need to talk after the fic.
Sailor Moon dub episodes,
Tom: Ah, the staple of a Nav fic...SM bashing.
and self-insertion Lemons.
Crow:[imitating The Great Red Serpent] Helllllo Senshi...
Tom: There's a disturbing amount of these, actually.
Mike: Just goes to show what the miracle of fan fiction has done for
Sailor Moon fans, don't it?
After that, Forrester sent them an entire Fox network FOX kids
afternoon.
Tom: 'Young Hercules'...ick, now _that_ is evil.
Mike: Not even Dr. F was that evil.
Mike and the bots screamed for mercy, but the manaical Doctor wasn't
finished.
Mike: You know, not to besmirch the memory of the good doctor, but he
just wasn't that evil.
Crow: Which is why 'The Project' was so OOC.
Although Tom's head had blown up two dozen times, and Mike had attempted
suicide,
Tom: -Crow had begun to get a kinky thrill out of being throttled with
bad media-
Crow: TOM!
He wouldn't let up on his merciless vendetta.
They were then treated to a special cartoon series Forrester had made,
designed after the TV-Y7 crap put on at 5am.
Mike: The ulterior motive to the 'Voltron' revamp finally rears its ugly
head...
It's title: X-TREME JAMES BOND 007.
Tom: [singing] James Bond Junior...
Crow: Tom, you remember that show?!
Tom: Well, yeah.
Mike: It's DJ Croft! NOOOOO!!!!
For hours the torment went on, Dr. Forrester laughing in orgasmic glee
Crow: GAH!!
Mike: ...
Tom: This is sooooo wrong.
Mike: I refuse to believe Nav has even watched MST3k!
Crow: Joel would be sickened...
as his victims suffered from the ultimate perversion of the masterpeice
of Ian Flemming.
Tom: Well, it _is_ just a Cold War-era SI, a la Ed Becerra's 'Legion's
Quest'...
Crow: Actually, Author Avatar fictions used to be a post-Victorian era
style of first person narration: now, they're along the lines of pro
wrestlers.
Mike: From Edgar Allan Poe to Hollywood Hogan, SIs sure have come a long
way!
But, even after it was over, the three were still sane,
albeit on the brink of utter madness.
Mike: Yeah, I'd be pretty out of it if the MSTer was turning the host
segments into antifics themselves.
Crow: A typical day on the Satellite, all in all...
And so, the evil Dr. Forrester, being out of everything else he had to
throw at them, sent Mike, Tom, and Crow the ultimate evil in any movie,
posting, or fanfic.
Tom: I'm gonna guess it has to do with the initials N, W, and O.
Crow: And even in the midst of the darkest host segment ever, Nav manages
to be egotistical.
Mike: I just don't see Dr. F taking us apart like this.
---Switch to SCRIPT style format---
Mike: We're way ahead of you, pal.
(SoL Theatre, Mike, Tom, and Crow are bawling incessantly)
Crow: Uh...no, we're not.
Mike: Nav's talking about the other versions of us, Crow.
Tom: Well, I am a bit weepy today...
TOM:[hellish scream] NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
Mike: [tom] Stop playing 'Bloodbath 2'! I just can't take anymore of it!
CROW: OH, LORD, STRIKE ME DOWN NOW!
Crow: [ditto] Hallelujah!
TOM:CANT.....TAKE.....MUCH.....LONGER.........
Mike: Wow. Tom's clone needs to go number 1 pretty bad.
Crow: Mike...
CROW:[Tom]MUST......TALK....LIKE....SHATNER.....
TOM:Hey!
Mike: ... oh, it's a joke!
All:[bland] Ha, ha.
MIKE:CROW! THATS IT!
Mike: Quake is better than Duke 3D, once and for all!
Crow: You're outta line, Nelson!
CROW:Huh?
Tom:[crow] I couldn't hear you over the screaming...
Crow: Of course, Tom strikes me as the scream queen of this station.
Tom: Why, thank y- HEY!
Mike: Still not as bad as 'Enerjak's Revenge'...
MIKE:We gotta get back to riffing this trash we're being sent!
Crow: Yeah! Get back to work, slackers!
TOM:Oh yeah.....
Tom: I was so busy screaming hysterically that I forgot all about that...
CROW:Why didn't we do that before?
Mike: You mean...they watched all that crap...and _forgot_ to riff it?!
All:[laughs]
TOM:Maybe cuz that James Bond catroon nearly shattered our spirit?
Mike:[imitating Q] Now, listen, 007. This may look like a normal catroon,
but in truth it's a spell error bomb!
MIKE:TO OUR SANITY!
BOTS:TO OUT SANITY!
ALL:TO OUR SANITY!!!!!!!!!
Crow: To the Batmobile!
Tom: SLEE-EEP!
Mike: Quiet down! My ears are popping...
DR.FORRESTER:[over Loudspeaker]BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Crow:[Dr.F] I'm a naughty boy, naughty naughty naughty!
Mike: Ugh.
[all look towards loudspeaker]
Tom: We have a loudspeaker?
[Just at that moment, the fic pauses, and an intercom starts up, sounding
projected like in the first airing of 'The Projected Man', ep. 901]
Pearl's Voice: Damn skippy!
Crow: Oh, hi Pearl!
DR.F:Bwahahahaha!! Not a chance your real-life plot contreivance will
save you from this
Mike: -Needlessly violent host segment!
rant from Moonbrat that youll get next! IF THIS
DOESNT SHATTER YOUR SANITY,NOTHING WILL!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Tom: That's our Clayton, Ladies and Gents...
Crow: He'll be here our week...
MIKE:uh oh.......
TOM:nice going, Mike!
Tom: Yeah, Mike! Thanks a lot!
Mike: What?!
[Rant begins]
MIKE:May god help us all........
Mike: May god spare us the ultraviolent host segments!
Tom: Mike, I think it's obvious that Nav was using such a dark mood for
the host segment in order to display some biting commentary on the
media's effect on society today within the confines of a literary
prelude...
Crow: I think he's just a sicko.
Mike: I'll second that.
BOTS:AMEN!
Heres a short story putting me against the senshi! bloodbath: what i
wish i could do
Mike: [nav[ -is get a proofreader.
Tom: You know, from those two lines, you could predict it either as an
antific, an SI, or a really nasty lemon...
Crow: Tom...
MIKE:oh great, an antific!
Tom: Wow...Nav's MSTing his own work.
Crow: [dryly] Good for him.
(Gee, that sounds so nice, wanting to kill girls...)
Tom: Now, wait a minute! Nav is an equal opportunity killer!
Crow:[Nav] I assassinate men, women, the elderly, pets, and children of
all ages.
CROW:huh?
TOM:ITS A DISSECTION RANT!
MIKE:FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!!
Crow: It's like a MST, except it sucks!
Mike: LobsterBoy? Where?
Tom: Mike...
The sailor senshi (SENSHI? SENSHI? You haven't seen the japanese,
retard!
MIKE:Retard?
TOM:Yeah, that was a good remark.
Crow: 'Retard'? Cedric, all is forgiven.
Tom: Moonbrat sure has earned her names'sake already.
Crow: She would be perfect for 'Experts of Fanfic Review', however.
Stick to what you know!)
Crow: For example, Moonbrat didn't know about MSTing, but she obviously
did know about bad jokes and flaming.
had just arived at the old alley the mysterious letter had
instructed them to go to. (Oh, right,just because a letter said so,
huh... An unused one, obviously used SOMETIMES, since it's being used
in
this story...)
Crow: The hell?
Tom: Moonbrat's in her own little world at this point...
ALL:SHUT UP!
Tom:[imitating Tsuneo] No! This is our job!
Crow: I think we've already filled our obscure ref quota, Tom.
Mike: [imitating all] Some of us are _trying_ to enjoy the cheesy
carnage, here!
MIKE:Has this woman ever heard of vacant lots?
Crow: Or the basics of criticism and review, for that matter?
on the edges of Tokyo.
(AHH!!! It's falling off the edge! AHHH!!!)
ALL:[deadpan]ha ha ha.......
Tom: That actually wasn't a joke. Moonbrat was typing this during an
earthquake.
The letter had told them that something
(specific, huh...)
Crow: Well, it's only an antific. Which means it only needs a plot
marginally better than most porn flicks.
Tom: And how would you know, Crow?
Crow: Er....bite me.
TOM:Did that just make sense to any of you guys?
MIKE & CROW:No.
very bad would happen if they didnt come, so they came.
Tom: Nav's not exactly the John Woo of Sailor Moon fanfiction in this
piece...
Mike: He's still not the ogre Moonbrat makes him out to be.
Crow: If she thinks this badly of Nav, she must be preparing death
threats for LinLin right now.
(Nav, how bad of an intro can you make?
Crow: Well, there could be an annoying voice making bad jokes and
criticisms alongside it...
NOBODY would be that
stupid, never mind the senshi.
TOM:Well, Usagi's pretty stupid...
Mike: True, true...
Tom: Mike! Who's side are you on?
After all, if the danger of being, say, stalked was that bad, they
could Sailor Teleport to wherever, and you couldn't find them!)
Crow: The fact of the matter is that bullets are faster than magic.
Tom: Of course, magic is cooler.....
MIKE:But it's self insertion, isnt it?
[massive facefault]
[M+tB recover]
Mike: Of course! It all makes sense now!
Tom: That line just sums it all up, huh?
Crow: Well, I lost all faith in fanfiction - and humanity - a long time
ago, so no big loss.
Sailors Saturn and pluto
(Pluto needs a capital)
Tom: Actually, that was a burly Hungarian sailor named Juanotas Pluto,
who was about to pay Hotaru for-
Crow: TOM!
Tom: What?
CROW:[moonbrat] I cant find anything else to whine about, so I point out
petty spelling errors!
looked around. "nothings here," they said,"must be some jok..."
(Oh realy, huh? Pluot
TOM:yeah, she whines about missing a capitalization, but completely
screws up the spelling on Pluto!
ALL:HYPOCRITE!!
Tom: Figures....
Crow: You know, I really think that Nav is a bigger fan, in his own way,
of Sailor Moon than Moonbrat.
Mike: Wow, Crow...that was very insightful...and completely ridiculous.
Crow: Ah, bite me.
and Saturn only show up in the most extreme circumstnces.
MIKE:Well, the letter DID inform them that it was urgent, didn't it?
Crow: It could stand to have been described better. After all, it is a
major plot device in his story...
Mike: Crow, don't tempt a 'Bloodbath' rewrite.
And they DO NOT speak in unison.)
TOM: No Sh**.
Mike: It is a big problem in fanfiction these days...
Crow: Hey! If Tom can say sh^t, than I can say p^ssy, right?
Tom: What the f^cking h^ll?
Mike: There's gotta be a m^thaf^cking syndrome for this sort of sh^t....
Before they had finished their sentence, two shots rang
ALL:DING, DING, DING......
out from the darkness of one part of the alley (what a coward.Shooting
>from the dark, what a coward!
Tom:[moonbrat] You only start shooting after you reveal yourself, give an
evil speech, and start firing regardless of the 7 on 1 odds, dummy!
Crow: Moonbrat just needs to write the smegging revengefic that she
obviously wants to.
TOM: Has this girl ever heard of snipers?
Mike: And Nav needs to stop stealing our schtick!
Crow: Has Nav heard of 'kiddie shows'?
Besides, one Silence Wall form Saturn and the shots would be
deflected. Or, if you say there's not enough time for that,
MIKE:Which there wouldn't be.
Crow: Yeah, guns sort of shoot REALLY FAST...
TOM:Has this girl ever seen a gun fire?
Mike: Has Nav ever seen MST3k is what I want to know.
Pluto could stop time.)
Tom: I guess Moonbrat never read Episode 13 of Lemon Sherbet...
CROW:But then she would be killed for stopping time.
TOM:And how would you know this, fanboy?
, quickly killing the two scouts.
Crow: That's it? If the fic is all about killing the senshi, he ought to
at least put in some more description....
Tom: Crow, remember *R*P*M*?
Crow: Oh yeah...[turns green] forget what I said.
(SCOUTS? EXCUSE ME? PLuto you can call a scout, IF you are sticking
strictly to the japanese.
CROW:But I thought it was only the DIC dub that called them scouts.
Tom: No, that's just Nav screwing with your brain.
Crow: Not as bad as that host segment, though...
MIKE:and how would you know this?
CROW:uhh... uhh... [recalls earlier in the day] well, remember when
Forrester forced us to watch those dub episodes?
TOM: Yeah, nice save, Crow.
Mike: Uh...is Nav trying to say something?
Crow: Hey! My interest in Sailor Moon is purely for hentai purposes,
thank you! [pause] Erm, I mean....
Saturn is only japanese,
MIKE:[sarcasm] gee, I though she was japaneese and latino-american!
Tom: Insert latino schoolgirl ethnic joke here.
Mike: Or better yet, just watch an episode of madTV. Good chance of one
of those on there...
>>though, you CANNOT call her a scout!
Tom: I'm usually opposed to using internet acronyms, but WTF?
Crow: In that case, everybody GTNIFoC right now!
Mike: STFU, Crow!
ALL:[childish taunt] Saturn is a scout! Saturn is a scout!
And you haven't even SEEN those two, why do you want to murder them??)
Mike: Well, if Nav didn't know about them, than why is he writing about
them?
Crow: Moonbrat's really on her own wavelength by this point.
After a few more shots, sailors
neptune, uranus, and mercury were also slain.(< i> All those need
capitals.
ALL:WHO CARES!?!?!?
Mike: Potential readers?
Tom: MSTers forced to read this stuff?
And If two senshi were killed, they wouldn't be standing around,
dummy.
Mercury would've done a Shabon SPray
TOM:Too many capitals in that word, dummy.
Tom: Dummy! You're so stupid!
to block your vision.
MIKE:Well, he was in the shadows, ,wasn't he?
CROW: But then how could he see them anyway?
Tom: His spidey sense, perhaps?
Though by this time you would've been Deep Submerged by Neptune,
anyway...)
Mike: You know, Moonbrat would make a killing at the IRWF....
Crow: Sad, isn't it?
The remaining senshi (STICK TO ONE SHOW! BSSM OR DIC SM!)
MIKE: DIC SM?
Tom: Now, _that_ is one strange fetish....
Mike: He meant the DIC dubs, Tom.
Crow: Well, that or Nav has a secret life we don't want to know anything
about...
CROW: "D.ub I.s C.rappy S.ailor M.oon!"
Tom: Well, in the dub's defense, it did open up a lot of new anime fans!
Crow: Most of which went on to make crappy fanfiction.
Tom: Oh. Well, um, it did make the show more accessible to the fans -
Mike: While butchering the storyline and ending without any real closure.
Tom: Well- oh, screw it, the dubs suck, alright?!
>>looked in the direction the shots had come from, only to see a
TOM:Doctor administering their Hepatitis A vaccine to them.
Crow: Cool! Now, we can let the clones riff this for us!
tall teen-age boy (or was it a hermaphrodite?
Crow: EW! Do _not_ joke about that...
TOM: NOT OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Head explodes]
[Mike pulls a spare head out of a box he brought into the theatre, and
replaces Tom's head]
TOM:Thanks, Mike.
Crow: Wow! Moonbrat _would_ be good in an E-Fed!
You never know...) carrying an M-16 (You have a gun, huh? That's
illegal.
Tom:[moonbrat] -to be that SMALL!! BWAHAHAHAHA!
MIKE: This girl obviously never heard of the 2nd amendment.
Mike: She sure has heard of the first amendment...
TOM:But it's Tokyo, not America.
MIKE:Oh yeah.
Mike: So _that_'s why I got arrested in Chiba City...
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Long story.
>>As is MURDER!)
TOM:Well, what do they expect, walking into a dark alley? A tea party?
Tom: Maybe not, but getting shot at is usually NOT what someone's looking
for!
>>stepped out of the shadows. He had short (poop-colored)
ALL:GYAGH!
Mike: You see, that's what distinguishes our series from these: quality.
Crow: Plus, people wanna see if Pearl and Bobo are ever gonna do it....
Pearl over Loudspeaker: Pipe down, fireplug!
Crow:[meek] Yes ma'am.
brown hair and wore a large green t-shirt with a pair of
baggy dark blue jeans. (HEY! I WEAR A GREEN SHIRT AND JEANS TOO!
ARGGGHH!!!)
Tom:[moonbrat, valley girl] Now we have to get married! Ick!
Crow:[starts humming to the tune of 'Every little thing counts']
Mike: Stop that now.
CROW:[Moonbrat] I AM NO LONGER COMPLETELY UNLIKE ANYONE WHO DRESSES
NORMALLY LIKE I DO! OH DEAR!
Tom: CONFORM, damn you! CONFORM!
He took aim with his M-16 rifle and fired another shot at sailor
venus,
(Oh, right, she's just gonna stand there... You write so badly, Nav!)
MIKE:Thank you for informing everyone, Counsellor Troi.
killing her instantly. It was me, and i had come to kill the
senshi. (And prove how mentally distubed he is..)
Crow: As well as switch to first person narration...
Tom: Usually, I wouldn't care is someone wanted to off the Sailors, but
making it a Self-Insert is wrong on so many levels...
"AAAAHH!! ITS NAV!!!" (They know you, huh?)
MIKE:Well, if self inserted characters can screw anime characters, it
doesn't seem strange for them to know their names!
TOM:NAV? and, the SENSHI?
Tom: That is wrong on so many levels...
Crow: Yeah! If Nav's screwing anyone, it's Jessica Priest!
Mike: CROW!- well, wait, I suppose you've got a point there...
Tom: A perverted point, no less...
MIKE:Hmmmm... guesss I should reword that.
TOM:Dont waste your time.
Mike: Let's just get this over with and done...
Crow: Longest 20 pages of my whole freakin' life...
the remaining scouts (SENSHI OR SCOUTS?
CROW:I'll have senshi.
TOM:I prefer scouts
MIKE:Surprise me, ok?
Mike: Touch�.
>>STICK TO ONE, IDIOT!)
MIKE:And the incessant bashing of the author award goes to.......
Tom: Well that's a simple guess, just take a look into David Gonterman's
mailbag!
Mike: -Captain Bungie.
Voice over Loudspeaker(not Mads): HEY! I haven't even written the
anti-fic yet...
Crow: What?
Mike: Let's just overlook that and try to keep the fourth wall intact...
Tom:[grumbles] I bet there's a syndrome for this, too...
Crow: Tom, the dibs list debate is over. Live with it.
MOONBRAT!!!!!!
[Tom makes cheering crowd noises]
CROW:I would like to challenge that!
MIKE&TOM:E?
CROW:Rmember that Mystic guardians riffing of A-KO vs Sailor Moon?
TOM:hmmm.....
MIKE:Ladies and gentilemen, we have a tie!
Mike: Wow. People just hate Nav!
Crow: I wonder why...
>>yelled. "RUN FOR IT!"
Tom: Back to the regularly scheduled anti-fic.
At that point, a Tuxedoed (Intersting.. I never knew that was a
verb.)
CROW:[moonbrat] Tough I wouldn't know, because I never passed
kindergarten!
MIKE:CROW!
Crow: Whuh-?
TOM:Do you want to be stooping to her level?
Tom: I don't think even Nav is that pissed...
CROW:Sorry guys, this barrage of trash is wearing me down!
MIKE:Yer right, I don't feel myself either. I need some sleep SOON!
Mike: Nav? Our clones are trying to tell you something...
figure in a large black cape wearing a strange white mask dropped in
between me and the remaining senshi.
Crow: The Phantom of the Opera must be really pressed for work...
Tom: [Bane] I feel so pretty...
Mike: TOM!
He threw a rose at
me, which landed at my feet. (He'd aim a little higher, Nav...
Preferably where it would leave you unable to have children...)
MIKE:*groan*!
Tom:[Nav, chuckles evilly] That's where you're wrong. I don't even _have_
external genetalia!
Crow: Servo! Quit it!
Tom: Bite me, goldenrod.
Laughing, i crushed the rose under my feet and fired again killing this
fairy (Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell! Everyone, if you belive in fairies, clap
your hands!)
Mike: Nav wasn't talking about those sorts of fairies....
Crow:[jon lovitz] I am *NOT* gay....
TOM:I do not belive in Faries...
MIKE:I do not belive in Faries...
CROW:[claps hands]
TOM:Fanboy........
Crow: Hey! My arms don't work!
Tom: At least you _have_ arms, mine must have been created as some sort
of joke by Joel.
>>in a penguin suit. (Complete with webbed toes and beak...)
TOM:*yawn*
All:[ditto]
Shocked by my quick slaughtering of tuxedo mask, the senshi's only way
to any victory,
Crow: Speaking of which, what messages are they trying to send to young
girls worldwide by having this guy save them from any predicament? I'd
have Sailor Moon do more fight scenes, without assistance from Tux-boy.
Tom: You'd also give them the uniforms of Venus 5!
Crow: And what's so wrong with that?
Tom: Crow...
the remaining targets of my merciless slaughter finally
started doing something that was completely futile.
(Or not) They attacked.
MIKE:Finally, some action.
TOM:I'm sick of this random killing.
Crow: And now, for some directed killing!
"PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" yelled chibi usa. (ChibiMOON,dumb-dumb!)
CROW:[moonbrat] get everything perfect, or i'll hold my breath untill my
face turns blue, doody-head!
the attack did nothing to me as i pumped the tiny brat full of bullets
with my M-16.
Crow: Kick-ass!
Tom: [announcer] Nav Zone presents: The Day ChibiMoon Was Shot!
Mike: [ditto] Starring Gary Oldman, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, and Lance
Hendrikson.
Crow:[ditto] Executively Produced by John Woo.
ALL:GYAGH!
Crow: Cool!
Mike: There's something you won't see every day.
(THAT IS SO SICK! YOUWANT TO KILL LITTLE GIRLS?
Tom: No, just Sailor Moon and Friends.
FOR NO REASON?
Mike:[Nav] She came at me with a really whiny voice. I fired in
self-defense.
YOU HAVE
SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS!)
Crow:[Nav] Hey, _you're_ the one in all-caps, lady...
Tom:[moonbrat] Anyone who can't see Naoko Takeuchi's brilliance in a
girl's sentai show is obviously psycho!
TOM:Well, she DID attempt to kill him.
Mike: You WANTED to see ChibiUsa get shot up, Crow?
Crow: Well, maybe a little more description of the death scene...
Tom, Mike:[facefault]
Crow: Come on, guys. Who _hasn't_ wished bratty little ChibiUsa/Rini got
wasted, at one point or another?
Tom: Maybe Robert Tsunai...
Crow: Ew.
"MARS FIRE SOOOOUL!" (You IDIOT,
CROW:[ren hoek] Nav, you EEEEEEEEEEEEDIOT!!!
it's just plain Fire Soul, not Mars Fire Soul.
TOM:Nor Fire Soul flame, Fire Soul burn, or Fire Soul cheapness.
You Are so misinformed...)
Mike: It's a good thing that a great deal of anime fans are condescending
know-it-alls who like to berate newbies, huh?
Crow: Yeah! After all, who else would inform them with that sort of
snobbishness?
yelled sailor mars. she shot forth a burst of fire which i merely
dodged (IF YOU WERE IN A NARROW ALLEY, HOW COULD YOU DODGE A STREAM OF
FIRE WIDER THEN THE ALLEY?)
MIKE:It's a self insertion. There IS no explanation.
Tom: Even Nav admits to it....
Crow: Ben Hutchins has got to be turning around in his grave!
Mike: Crow...
as i fired a few bullets at her to finish her off.
(DISGUSTING SICKO.)
CROW:[moonbrat] doody-head!
TOM:[same] poo-poo face!
Tom:[moonbrat] Stop picking on the sailor scouts, baka!
Crow:[Nav] Aw, just leave me alone, sexless tomboy!
Tom:[moonbrat] Dummy!
Crow:[Nav] Tomboy!
Tom:[moonbrat] Pervert!
Crow:[Nav] It's not my fault Sailor Moon sucks so much! She's asking for
it!
Tom:[moonbrat] Hey! [summons giant mallet, flattens Nav] BAKA!
Crow:[Nav] Ouch...
Tom:[oscar] Meow.
Crow: [Nav] AHHHHH!!!!
Tom: [Ankoku] Anti-moonie scum, I shall smite thee!
Crow:[Nav] Uh-Oh.
Mike: The 'Nav 1/2' sketch, everyone!
Crow: We'll be here all week, folks!
Tom: Whew...that was fun.
"THUNDER DRAGON!!!" (SUPREME thunder dragon, stupid!)
MIKE: whinw whine whine whine whine.....
Mike: Bitch, bitch, bitch. Why can't you just sit back and enjoy the
inane slaughter?
>>yelled Sailor jupiter. a huge
dragon of energy formed and dove at me, nearly striking. Fortunately, i
was prepared for such an
attack. i drew from my pocket a
Crow:-Frozen cucumber!
Tom: CROW!
wire connected to a small lightbulb. the
wire had one bare end,
which i held in front of the attacking dragon. the dragon, being
electricity, was sucked into the wire and went into the lightbulb.
ALL:[hum MacGuyver theme music]
Mike: I heard that this scene is up for best action sequence in next
year's Chicken Balls Awards...
Crow: I'd love to see _that_ acceptance speech.
(THAT WOULD DO NOTHING! IT WOULD OVERLOAD YOUR PRECIOUS LIGHTBULB!
MIKE:she has a point there....
TOM:ahh.... the joy of plot contriveances....
Crow: Plot devices: what make the fanfic world go round!
Tom: Brought to you by the commitee for plot holes.
Why do you think things short circut? You'd be KILLED!)
MIKE: She has yet to figure out that this is a self insertion fic.
Crow:[Nav] I am GOD here!
TOM:and why would the author kill himself?
Mike: Maybe his girlfriend dumped him and stole his keyboard...
acting quickly, i then threw the lightbulb at Sailor jupiter before it
exploded. (This makes no sence whatsoever.)
Tom: [Nav] But it's still cool!
TOM:uhh.... yes it does. Nav throws overcharged bulb at Sailor jupiter.
I can understand it quite clearly. Can you, Mike?
MIKE:Yup. Crow?
CROW:uh huh.
Mike: I'll bet you anything our clones were being held at gunpoint when
they said that.
I then shot her. (You need help.)
Crow: Preferably in the form of a boot to the head.
TOM:What help does he need?
CROW:He's massacring these girls!
Mike: Yep. Sad, isn't it?
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: Listen up, peoples! If you're going to do an Anti-fic, do one that
exploits their weaknesses and screws them up psychologically instead of
mindless slaughter.
Crow: Of course, NGE fans, Anno Hideaki already beat you to it...
Mike: Not if you wrote "Evangelion: Damnation"...
Turning to sailor moon, i grabbed her neck and gave a tight squeeze.
(Oh, like she'd still be ther.
CROW:[Moonbrat] she would have thrown her plastic crown first!
Tom: Moonbrat's statement implies Sailor Moon would have run away. I
don't think so.
Crow: Screamed like a banshee, yes. But run away? No.
You are so dumb!) her neck snapped quickly, and i had completed my
mission.
Crow:[Nav] Now John Connor will cease to exist, ha ha....Wait a minute.
CROW:[Nav] I had written the second worst self inasertion ever written.
MIKE:What's the first?
CROW:Any Oscarfic.
Mike: All too true.
Crow: Next in line are 'American Kitsune', 'Coming Of Munihausen', and
'The Endless Night'.
Mike: Crow? Two of those SIs are cameo scenes...
Crow: Yeah, _concentrated_ pain.
Tom: You know, the Marrissa Stories are starting to look like classics.
We've been up here too long!
>> the senshi was dead.
MIKE:[sarcastic clap]
Tom: [imitating southern accented Nav] Them senshi wuz pretty dead, in my
opinion.
>>(HORRID grammer!!!)
MIKE:Isn't grammer really spelled 'grammar'?
Tom: Ack! When will it end?!
Crow: This _has_ been the longest 20 pages ever. [pause] Am I old enough
to drive yet, Mike?
Mike: [quickly] No.
Tom: Stay with us, folks...
their patheticness would plague earth no more.
Mike: Lame SIs would plague Earth for a long time, however...
Tom: Thank goodness the Author Avatar Arena was there to put these
characters to good use by having them pound each other into the ground...
TOM:NO MORE DUBS!
All: NO MORE ANTIFICS!!
(since they had never been pathetic in the first place.)
TOM:I beg to differ.
Crow: You *would*...
Tom: Hey!
THE END
ALL:Woo-hoo!!
Mike: Thank goodness, the long national nightmare is over!
Thank Goodness! That was soooooo gross!
CROW:[moonbrat] Boys are ICKY!
Nav is sick in the head!
Crow: Of course, fanatical Sailor Moon fans are just as bad, but let's
overlook that for now.
[Rant ends, theatre door unlocks]
Mike: I wish...
MIKE:Agh! I havent seen light since yesterday!
TOM:What are we waiting for?
CROW:LETS GO!
MIKE:Oh, right.[Picks up tom and leaves]
---Switch back to prose format---
Tom: Sorry, no.
Dr. Forrester, upon hearing of how his victims had beaten the
impossible odds of keeping sane through 20 hours of pure entertainment
hell, was completely enraged. All that time for NOTHING!
Crow: Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be carrying scars from that host segment
for quite a while...
But still, he would have other chances to attempt to drive Michael J.
Nelson into the
abyss that was insanity. And then, he, Dr. Forrester, would become
supreme lord over all the earth. But it would have to wait till another
day.
Mike: I can't stress enough how loopy Dr. F is in this reality.
Tom: Kefka's MST3k...
Crow: I sure hope not!
As for Mike, Tom, And Crow, they soon were able to regain their old
toys by trading their burger king toys with Frank.
Mike: That's good, because it'd take me quite a few hours of Quake to
recover from 'X-Treme James Bond 007'...
They went several days after that without a single peice of pain from
Forrester.
Tom: Then Pearl, Blackadder, Vince McMahon, Katone, Magic Voice, and Q
came in for their turns...
However, on one night in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester was rummaging through
his old stuff when he found a book. A book of trememdous mind-knumbing
power.
Tom: I'll take a wild guess and say that it isn't the Necronomicon...
He cackled manaically as he reveled in his surefire
victory..........
Tom: USA Networks Original Movies?
Crow: Hanson Fan Fiction?
Mike: Speed 2?
Crow: Star Trek/X-Men Crossovers?
Mike: 'Starrcade'?
Crow: Tellitubbies: Too Hot for TV?!
Tom: 'Fully Loaded'??!!
....."Fun with Dick & Jane"
Mike: Oh.
Tom: See Mike.
Crow: See Mike Riff.
Both: Riff, Mike, Riff.
_____(End Credits)__________________________________________
(an evil, demonic, satanic laughter can be heard over the credits, in
the absence of music.)
Tom: Well, at least the Lord of Darkness is finding this funny.
Mike:[imitates Undertaker, chuckling] Ha, Ha Ha...oh, that was a good
one.
MST3K Created by:Joel Hodgson
MST3K owned by: Best Brains, inc.
Sailor Moon Owned by:Nakoto T.
Mike: Now, if I were Naoko and had an internet account, I'd be pissed.
Original Self insertion crap written by: Nav (me)
Tom: Certainly crap...
Crow: At least he's honest...
Dissection rant written by:Moonbrat
Mike: Now, let's pray she never discovers MSTings...
MSTing written by:Nav (me)
I am not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.
Crow: Sorry about that whole brutally decimating your creations and
stuff, really...
I'm just in it for kicks.
Tom: Kicks to the head, I'm sure.
No insult was meant toward Moonbrat or myself. The
opinions of Mike, Tom, or Crow do not neccesarily reflect my
opinions(why else would I bash my own fic?).
Crow: Oh, I don't know, maybe you just realized just how wrong it was,
and decided to bury it once and for all?
The intro scene was written
with full intention to be dark.
Tom: That wasn't 'dark', Nav. 'Robot Rumpus' was dark. [really angry]
That host segment was a freakin' massacre!
Mike: Jeez, calm down...
MSTing written for The Vault of Anime MSTings at:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/
Crow: I hear the webmaster's moving the vault out of Geocities Tokyo.
Mike: Oh, good.
And for Bane's Bad Sailor Moon page vault at:
Tom: http://sailor-moon.can.suck.it
Crow: That's just _great_, Tom, give the anti-moonies a domain name...
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/1906/
Tom: Close enough...
If you have any questions or comments, direct them to:
nav_x@hotmail.com
Crow: Should that read 'shotmail'?
If you have any flames, send them to:
I_really@suck_hard.com
Crow: You really shouldn't flame Monica Lewinsky's Email address like
that, though.
Tom: Crow...
Written on April 23, 1998.
Tom: 6 short months later, it gets the riffing it deserves!
Mike: [strained, deep] Just one - more - line, Crow...
Crow: Nice Shatner impression, Mike!
Mike:[modestly] Well, I was aiming for an _homage_....
Keep circulating the fics!
All:[cheerfully] Bite Me!
[All get up to leave]
Crow:[as he leaves] Power to the people, m' brutha!
[doorway sequence in reverse]
[SOL Main Bridge]
[Mike is typing something into a clunky-looking computer, now
conveniently located on the counter. Tom and Crow walk towards him.]
Crow: Gypsy repaired the satellite pretty well, Tom.
Tom: Sure did. Hey, Mike. What's going on?
Mike: [doesn't take eyes off monitor] Just reserving a copy of Quake 3:
Arena, guys. [moves
around and clicks a mouse located alongside the PC] Now, I just type in
my credit card number...[starts typing into keypad]
Crow:[nervously] Uh, Mike, I forgot to tell you about that-
[Mike doesn't hear Crow, stares flabbergastedly at monitor]
Mike: 'Invalid Account?!!!' 'INVALID ACCOUNT????!!!!'
Tom: Calm down, big guy!
[Gypsy enters the scene just in time.]
Gypsy: We've got a transmission, guys! It's from another satellite!
[cut to ext. shot of SOL. It is flanked by that giant robot from the
Beastie Boys' music video 'Intergalactic', and the tri-pronged space
station that there is a schematic of in the Beastie Boys' 'Hello Nasty'
CD case.
The giant robot flies up towards the SOL.
Back to SOL Main Bridge. Everyone is now turned to the Hexfield
Viewscreen.
The Viewscreen opens, and we see the (surprise, surprise) Beastie
Boys(MikeD, MCA, and Adam), attired in the Joel-esque red jumpsuits they
had on for their performance on the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards.
The backdrop of the Viewscreen is the control room of the giant robot
from 'Intergalactic'(duh).]
Mike: Well, hey there, neighbors!
MCA: [nods] Yo.
MikeD: Hey.
Adam: What's up!
Tom: So, guys, what brings you around these parts?
MCA: Well, we were on our way to a benefit concert, when we got hijacked!
MikeD: Yeah! Next thing we know, we're stuck on the Grand Royal
Satellite!
Adam: And this _messed_up_ mad scientist is forcing us to remix some
_really_ messed up songs, man!
MCA: So we were wondering if you could help us out.
MikeD: The guys on the Satellite of Raw said you could give us some
advice.
Mike: Well, guys, I suppose the most important thing to remember is
riffing. Riffing is when you make a funny comment, or 'riff', during the
fanfic, movie, whatever, is playing.
MCA: So...we could put in funny lyrics!
Adam: And get the Mixmaster to remix the records, so they sound decent!
Guys, thanks a lot.
MikeD: Yeah, we owe you.
Mike: Any time, guys.
Crow: Just don't forget to send us a copy!
B-Boys: [wave] Bye!
Mike: Good Luck
Tom+Crow: See Ya!
Gypsy: Don't be a stranger!
[Hexfield Viewscreen closes as they say farewell.]
[Ext. Shot of the giant robot flying back towards the Satellite of Grand
Royal(SOGR?).]
[SOL Main Bridge]
Gypsy: What a nice group of boys.
Mike: Yeah. [pause] So, where were we?
Tom: I believe you were about to throttle Crow.
Mike:[nods] Oh.
Crow: Yeah, that sounds about right-WAIT!
Mike: [walks towards Crow] This is for John Carmack, golden boy!
[Mike chases a screaming Crow offscreen, where sounds of beating and
pounding are going on. The Mad light flashes.]
Tom: Well, I suppose _I_ better get that...[bonks light with head]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Thanks a million, Nelson - the proceeds from the Beastie Boys'
latest CD are going to go straight to the cause of breaking your will!
[evil laugh]
[SOL Main Bridge]
[The sounds of combat from offstage have ended. Gypsy is off piloting the
ship, or something. Tom watches as a bruised and bloodied Mike, as well
as a mangled and dented Crow, stagger back on screen.]
Tom:Woah. You guys really beat the crap out of each other! And I thought
Nav was violent...
Mike:[panting] Crow...truce?
Crow:[ditto] Sure.
[Mike and Crow tackle Tom, a la Red Dwarf Season 7 episode "Tikka To
Ride"'s ending.]
[roll credits]
[instead of the usual ending theme, 'Sure Shot' plays on in the
background]
Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
'MSTed: Moonbrat's 'Dissection' of "Bloodbath"'
Cast:
Mike Nelson:
..........Michael J. Nelson
Tom Servo:
..........Kevin Murphy
Crow T. Robot:
..........Trace Beaulieu
Gypsy:
..........Patrick Brantseg
CamBot:
..........As Himself
Pearl Forrester:
..........Mary Jo Pehl
Professor Bobo:
..........Kevin Murphy
The Observer:
..........Bill Corbett
Guest Starring:
The Beastie Boys:
..........As Themselves
'Bloodbath' by Nav (who just doesn't express his anger properly).
'Dissection Rant' by Moonbrat (who could've called this a MST and got
away with it.)
MST by Nav (who took it personally).
Meta-MST by the B.A. Cap'n Bungie (Who ought to be MSTing something that
actually _deserves_ it, I know...)
MST3k By Best Brains.
All other series references, concepts, quotes, and other material(such
as: Sailor Moon, Fox Network's crappy shows, Beastie Boys, etc.) are
owned by their respective companies, distributors, etc. and used without
permission.
The host segments, jokes, and concepts introduced in this MSTing may be
replicated by Best Brains, Inc. without legal censure.(I believe this
means that I can't sue them if they use one of my ideas, therefore it's
safe for BBI to read this. Right? )
Please don't sue.
Special Thanks:
Best Brains, Inc.
MSTing Archive Webmasters
All MSTies Worldwide
Contact:
http-www.no.tomorrow.com@juno.com
Finished MiSTing #4 on October 13th, 1998 AD
STINGER:
> For hours the torment went on, Dr. Forrester laughing in orgasmic
glee
>as his victims suffered from the ultimate perversion of the masterpeice
>of Ian Flemming.
(THE END)
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