On Tue, 13 Oct 1998, A-kun McCrillis wrote:
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 17:20:48 PDT
From: A-kun McCrillis <akun15@hotmail.com>
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [spam] When Tentacles Scenes Go _HORRIBLY_ Wrong
A-kun's Note: Note that in the tag there's no lemon. There's a reason
for that... READ ON! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
An Anti-Tentacle Story
Tentacle Scenes Gone Horribly Wrong....
By A-kun
============================================================================
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victim. It would give the woman the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize.
Then, without warning, the woman spun around with twin .44 magnums and
fired.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" The
tentacle monster screamed as twelve bullets hit it in parts of it's
anatomy that would leave it physically, mentally and emotionally scarred
for the rest of it's life.
Laura Croft then went back to whatever she was doing in Tomb Raider 3.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victims. It would give the women the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize.
Unfortunately, it had made one fatal mistake.
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Y-y-ou attacked a-a-a HIGH
SCHOOL.... i-in... hooo...... LOS ANGELES?!?!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" it's best friend laughed as the tentacle
beast managed to crawl home. It only had one tentacle left and that was
the only thing moving it.
Ouch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victims. It would give the women the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize.
[Wait a minute,] the tentacle beast thought, [there's something not
right here....]
Gut instinct told it to leave. It trusted it's gut instinct. The
Nerima Club for Male Crossdressers blinked as it left.
"What the hell was that all about?" Tsubasa Kurenai asked.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victims. It would give the women the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize.
"WHAT THE-" The tentacle beast exclaimed.
It had sensed females, but there were only guys here! It grumbled and
left. And the Nerima Club for Female Crossdressers decided they had a
new campaign slogan.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...cough, cack!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victim. It would give the woman the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize. Sailor Jupiter spun around.
"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!!!" Sailor Jupiter cried.
*BOOM*
The tentacle beast looked down at the hole in it's chest, then turned
into Jupiter dust.
Ouch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victim. It would give the woman the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize. Sailor Jupiter spun around.
"You again? Ah well, THUNDER DRAGON!!!" Sailor Jupiter yelled.
A dragon made completely of electricity roared out and bit the tentacle
beast, chomping on it in a loud and very graphic manner before
swallowing it.
"YUUUUUUMMMMMMMM!" the dragon uttered.
Double ouch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victim. It would give the woman the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize. Sure, it wasn't having the best of luck, but it was
sure it would get lucky some time. And it would eventually. Just not
with Sailor Mars.
"FIRE SOUL!" Sailor Mars yelled.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The tentacle monster screamed as fire engulfed it.
Aren't ya being such a pain magnet?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victim. It would give the woman the chance to scream and then it would
claim it's prize. Sailor Venus turned.
"VENUS LOVE CHAIN, ENCIRCLE!" Sailor Venus said.
The golden chain surrounded the tentacle beast. It gulped. Sailor
Venus grinned as she pulled out a whip.
"CALL ME QUEEN!!!" Sailor Venus laughed, cracking the whip.
Ah, it's the turning the table joke.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows towards it's
victims. It was having the crappiest time of it's existance. If it
didn't lucky soon... then, it saw it's latest victim. Sure, a guy was
with her, but it could take care of an ordinary guy. It lunged at them,
ready to do unspeakable things to them.
"WORLD SHAKING!" Haruka Ten'ou, aka. Sailor Uranus, cried.
"DEEP SUBMERGE!" Michiro Kaiou, aka. Sailor Neptune, cried.
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
The creature looked at the new hole in it's chest, sighed, then
collapsed.
Sailor Neptune's a guy?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast slithered out of the shadows. It was getting
sicked and tired of getting stomped. The next victim would get no
mercy. And it was right. There would be no mercy as it lunged at a
woman with dark green hair.
Suddenly, the woman wasn't there. The beast stopped. Something wasn't
right here. Then, it heard something whispered. It sounded like, "Red
Ream"
[Um, isn't it 'Red Rum'?] the tentacle monster asked, trying to recall
the quote.
Unfortunately, it was blasted back before it could remember. It looked
up at Sailor Pluto, who smiled and pulled out a whip.
"CALL ME QUEEN!!" she cried, cracking the whip.
"OH SH********T!!!" The tentacle beast screamed.
Well, I see that almost everyone one of the Sailor Moon girls had their crack...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast stomped out of the shadows. It was pissed now.
It was going to get a victim or else.
"MOON SCEPTER ELIMINATION!" Sailor Moon cried.
*BOOM*
[Nope, not this time.] The tentacle monster thought to itself.
...I wondered when it would get to her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast limped out of the shadows. There was a cute
little girl with pink hair. Sure, kids weren't really it's thing, but
every other woman seemed to either have a gun or senshi powers. What
could this little girl have? It began limping towards the girl. She
took noticed of the monster.
"CHIBIMOON POWER, MAKE-UP!" Chibi-Usa cried.
"Oh, sh*t." the tentacle monster cried.
"PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" ChibiMoon cried.
"AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!" The tentacle monster screamed,
clutching it's chest before falling over dead..
Jeeze, I wouldn't even want a tenticle monster have to deal with that.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast limped out of the shadows. It was getting
tired of this. Maybe this part of town. It saw a sexy red head. It
looked around. Okay, nothing to stop it this time.
"RAAAAAAAAH!" The tentacle monster cried, leaping at the girl.
She turned around and looked at it. She grinned. The tentacle monster
was ready to cry as the girl gathered power in her hands.
"MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!" Ranma-chan yelled.
*BOOM*
[Not this one either. Hmm, maybe China next time.] The tentacle beast
thought, as it collapsed with a new gaping hole in it's chest.
Shampoo would have bonboried to death...Ukyou would have a new dish to
serve...Akane would have pounded it to death...Nabiki would have made it her
slave...Kasumi would have deep fried the tenticles...I could go on and on...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast limped out of the shadows. At least the silver
hair girl wouldn't have time to defend herself. It lunged again, but
this time, it didn't announce it's attack.
"Hmmm?" Herb-chan 'hmmm'ed calmly.
She used her ki to slice the tentacle beast into itty-bitty pieces,
then called Lime and Mint to clean up the mess.
Ouch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast stumbled out of the shadows.
[Okay, don't go to China. How was I supposed to know that they were
Amazons women and could do that to tentacle monsters? And that Musk
Dynasty... could everyone there use Ki?!] the tentacle beast asked.
At least, it was back in Japan, where they only pummelled tentacle
monsters senseless or blew holes in them. What those Amazons did to
it.... it shuddered uncontrollably. And humans said tentacle beasts
were cruel. At least the sexy woman in this temple would be easier
prey. It snuck in and found the sexy woman in bed. It lunged.
But, it found a log in the girl's stead. Then, it felt a dagger in
it's back.
"Crap! Damn ninja girls!" it groaned.
"Ha! Please don't underestimate Mai Shiranui of the Shiranui school!"
Mai Shiranui said, smiling.
It staggered.
"Ha! I can still beat you!" The tentacle monster proclaimed.
"Oh, really?" came a male voice from behind it.
"Uh-oh. That wouldn't be the infamous Terry Bogard, would it?" the
tentacle beast asked, knowing the legacy of how Terry had destroyed the
cursed Armor of Mars, a suit so powerful that even Demon Princes could
not touch it.
"And Andy Bogard." came another voice.
"_AND_ Joe Hagashi." came a third voice.
The tentacle beast almost began to cry.
That's not even fair.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The evil tentacle beast crawled out of the shadows. This was going to
be it's last attempt. If it failed this time, it was going to renounce
evil and become a priest! It crawled into the temple before it and
managed to find a young priestess in front of a roaring fire. It
laughed and entered, thinking it had easy prey.
The Great Fire was NOT amused. For six centuries, it had kept this
room pure of evil. Even that Jadeite character had learned NOT to enter
the room. And this simple tentacle beast was trying to get in. It
laughed to itself.
The tentacle beast never even got to scream as it was engulfed in
flames and disintegrated. The Great Fire quietly closed the door so no
one would know that anything had ever intruded.
Rei Hino turned from her meditations. She could've sworn she'd sensed
something. She shrugged and went back to her meditations.
Geeze...you've done enough damag already.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day, the tentacle beast (when it finally managed to
reintegrate itself) renounced evil and became a priest.
============================================================================
Well, this was in response to the numerous tentacle fanfics out there.
You know the ones. Consider this an anti-tentacle beast story. Heh.
Enjoy!
The scary thing is, I finished this the day I started it. I can rarely
do that.
Ben McCrillis <aka. A-kun> <aka. Sailor Scottish>
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