Jason Liao <jasonl@hun.k12.nj.us> wrote:

Hi Gary.

Howdy!

I've noticed lots of mail on the FFML about this story, and frankly, if I
decided to wade through those before addressing this, my C&C would have to
wait even longer.  So, here it is, and if I bring up a point that's been
debated to death, it's unintentional. 

So noted.

On Mon, 12 Oct 1998, Gary Kleppe wrote:

	WHAT'S BEEN CHANGED: Not a lot. Minor touch-ups in several
places, partocularly toward the end, but nothing major.

	  ^^^^^^^^^^^^
o=i

One of these days, I'll actually remember to run spellcheck before
posting....

	PRONOUNCIATION NOTE: "Mu Si" is, as best as I'm able to
determine, the Mandarin Chinese form of the name pronounced "Mousse",
romanized with the Pinyin system. Mu is pronounced "Moo", and Si sounds
like something between "Srrr" and "Szzz".

Is there anywhere I could find the Chinese word for Mousse's name?  If so,
then I could probably check against my Chinese dictionary.

You might look in the manga to see if his name is written in characters.

he always found something unexpected when he reached inside. Once he had
even found a driver's license from some westerner named Hoffa.

I've solved the mistery of Hammerspace!  It's actually located underneath
a stadium parking lot! 

I guess that's why I can't pull things out of thin air...

Yup! You don't live under the stadium!

	Mousse looked closely at his glasses to see whether they were
soiled.

To me, saying that something is soiled has a different implication than
what you're expecting.  How about saying they're smudged?

Okay, I suppose so....

	He wondered what it would be like to see Shan Pu again. She was
asking for *his* help now? That would certainly be a switch after the
way things used to be between them....

When did Mousse ask Shampoo for help?  For undying love, yes, but I don't
remember him asking her for a favor.  Then again, I've only seen the Vis
manga so far.

Viz, you mean. I'm not sure there was any point where he asked directly
for her help. There certainly were times when he could've used her
assistance, and she was unconcerned. I'll see what I can do about
adjusting the wording here.

	Mousse folded over the top of the cardboard box. This was
finally the last one. Packing up the Nekohanten had been like emptying
his robes; every time it looked like he might be almost done, something
else turned up in an unexpected place.

	Now, unless there were any more closets he didn't know about, he
was done. 

Using two sentances in sucession with 'done' seems just a little
repetitive.  Not so much that it is really noticible, but you may want to
consider changing it.

OK, I'll change one of them.

	Shampoo came in from the back room. "Thank you for packing
boxes, Mousse. Real estate agent say will deliver to post office
tomorrow morning."

Why's Shampoo speaking to Mousse in Japanese?

Dunno, but the China gang always seems to speak Japanese in the manga,
so there's a precedent for it. (And I like writing dialog with distinct
speech patterns, which Shamps has in Japanese but not Chinese.)

	"I'm going to seal up the boxes. I've got this really strong
tape, the kind they call --"

Lemmie guess.  Duct tape? ^_^

Quack!

a beauty that came around only once in a lifetime, one that he would now
never be able to know.

now never be able to know?  How about 'no longer' instead of 'never'?
'Never' sort of implies that at no point in time did he know of Shampoo's
beauty.

I did mean to imply that. Yes, he's seen her from afar, and even glomped
her a time or two (or three), but he's never really known her in the way
that he would've liked to.

	But even funny-looking duck men needed love. Even they were
capable of giving it.

I don't know if I ever let you know about this, but this is a memorable
line.  I used a paraphrased version to make a point in my first fic (and
yes, I credited you).

I think I remember that. Someone else quoted this line in a fic, if I
remember right. I'm kinda flattered that people found it so memorable.

if she did come back, she wouldn't love him. The dream would forever
be... a dream.

   ^^^
Why the elipses here?  I think that the sentence naturally emphasizes the
word 'dream'.

Just because I thought there ought to be a pause there.

	Ryoko entered the guest bedroom. "Well, Goodnight, Azusa. See

					 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well, goodnight Azusa!

You're right that the G shouldn't be capitalized, but I do need the
second comma.

	He was still a duck, tied to a leash. His arm still throbbed,

						  ^^^
wing

The list consensus seems to favor "wing" over arm....

	Mr. Shiratori looked around the room. "Ah well, such are the
risks of the game. Well-played, my dear inspector." He turned to his
daughter. "Azusa, to you I am truly sorry. I shall try to return to you
when I can." He looked back at the agents. "Shall we go now?"

And they all leave Azusa to fend for herself?  At least, there should be
some mention of having someone come around later to pick her up, or take
care of her, or something.

Well, she *is* legally an adult by this time... but I'll think about
putting in something to that effect.

Everything but the duck.  Why wouldn't they take Mousse, if they're going
to take all of the other useless kick-knacks.  At the very least, one
would think that they'd 'free' him.

They took her other stuff because it had Daddy's bank sigils hidden
inside. They could be fairly sure that Mr. Duck didn't.

	He wondered whether that tax inspector had been right when she
had called Azusa autistic. Maybe it was true.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that autism was refusing to
communicate with others.  Azusa *does* communicate with others, if only to
plead for her 'friends'.

As has been discussed on the list, there are many different forms and
degrees of autism. Besides, it's only Ryoko's opinion that Azusa is
autistic, and she could be wrong.

Thanks for the feedback!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics