"Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com> wrote:

Commentary is craved.  Send it publicly, privately, whatever.  Just
send it.  

I'll think about it. :)

    Rouge tested the heat of the water in the huge tub with a
tentative finger, and then carefully got into the water across

>from Akane, dropping her washcloth on the wide stone lip of the

bath for a moment as she submerged herself almost completely.

Hmm... you really like long sentences, don't you.

    Akane looked back to where Shampoo was slipping off the last
of her clothing.  "Shampoo, this is wonderful."

"Akane enjoying Shampoo strip tease?"

    Akane closed her eyes and sank down into the water of the
crowded tub, trying not to bump legs with Shampoo or Rouge as 
she rested her head back on the edge.  Shampoo's house in the 
village had been a shock; rich and luxurious, it was at least as 
big as the Tendo home, beautifully decorated with ancient 
antiques and carefully-carved wooden furniture.  There was 
running water, and electricity.

But absolutely NO doors. :)

    She trailed off, her eyes sad and shadowed, and went back to
washing herself.  Chin balanced on her palm and elbow balanced on 
the lip of the tub, Shampoo glanced over to the other two girls 
and smiled slightly.  "We go to Council soon.  Akane, if I need 
you to speak for me, you do it?"

"That won't be necessary, Shampoo. The Council understands Chinese."

    "Good evening, Nabiki," Yoshiyuki said, glancing back at her

>from the front as she settled into the seat.  "And how are you?"

    "Fine," she answered shortly.  "I've got what you want."
    

I bet she does....

    "You grow less and less useful to my organization every 
passing day," the yakuza muttered with a trace of annoyance.  But

Should Yakuza be capitalized?

    There was silence for a moment, and then a voice that
sounded half-asleep.  "Wiyeed."

    A hand found his and gripped it tightly in the darkness.  "I
think something went wrong," he heard the voice of Herb's sister
say, a trace of fear underlying the formal, controlled tones.

I'd make these last two paragraphs into one. It seems like someone
different ought to be talking after the switch.

    "Kima?" Ranma called into the dark.  "Herb?"
    
    From somewhere there came the sound of coughing, and then
Herb's voice answered weakly back from nearby.  "Ranma?"

"Chief?"

"MacCloud!!"

(MST3K reference, for those who don't know.)

    I AM A PART OF THE PART THAT AT FIRST WAS ALL the darkness
said.  I AM THE GATE I AM THE KEY I AM I AM I AM

I AM THE WALRUS GOO GOO G' JOOB

    "Dear sister, whatever gave you that idea?" Herb answered
sarcastically from within the lightless dark.     
    

We can tell it's sarcastic... you probably don't need to say so
explicitly.

    Shampoo said nothing for a few long seconds, and when she
did finally speak, her voice was pained.  "Not really know.  
Just wait and see.  I think Lang Bei on my side, at least.  She
and Cologne always get along fairly well.  Cologne's other
friends on Council may help too.  Fang Shi probably push for
exile; humiliation of powerful family like mine might give her
more power than she had before."

    She smiled weakly.  "Wait and see, yes?"
    

Again, I'd lose the paragraph break. (I'll stop pointing these things
out, and you can do what you want.)

    "He take third wife who supposed to destroy other two wives 
and child," Shampoo said in a low voice.  The third wife loomed
threateningly over the first two and the child, who cringed 
before her.  

So back then, there was only one male, but 3+ females?

    She stood to her feet and began to walk towards the Council.
Akane was sure she felt every eye focus upon Shampoo suddenly,
felt the weight of all those stares along with the other girl, 
and realized suddenly what bravery this must take.

I'd make this "had to take" to keep it in the past tense.

    Akane listened, not understanding any of the words, trying
to sense by tone the gist of what Shampoo said.  Rouge translated
occasionally, and from what she said, Akane understood that
Shampoo was telling about what had happened to her in Japan.
Surprisingly, if Rouge was speaking true, the account was
remarkably unbiased.

"I know I too good for Ranma; but not want to hurt Ranma ego, so I
pretend to chase him to make him feel good while I work on solving world
hunger and theory of quantum gravity and...."

    Kuno's hand released her arm, and she turned to look at him,
rubbing the spot he'd gripped.  "You surprised me.  Why are you
sneaking up on a girl in a park, anyway?  You looking to get
arrested."

Unless Nabby is talking slangy here, this should either say "You're
looking...." or end in a question mark.

    Kuno nodded.  His eyes were hard, so hard, dark and bright. 
"He was the key.  I saw that from the start.  I was shown that 

>from the start.  But all else was lies, Nabiki.  All else was 

lies.  They kill us for their sport, Nabiki.  For their sport."

"The record's stuck. Record's stuck. Record's...."

    Ranma realized what he was going to see with an absolute and
terrible clarity.

The realization had absolute clarity, or he was going to see it with
absolute clarity? Might want to re-word this sentence for, um, clarity.

    Her face softened slightly, and she looked at Shampoo with
surprising tenderness.  "Elder Fang Shi put forward another 
motion which was passed by eight votes to four.  At sunrise 
tomorrow, you will go to Jusenkyou and be tried by the waters 
there.  Elder Fang Shi will serve as the executor of that
judgement.  I will accompany her to ensure the fairness of it.
You may choose two companions to serve as witnesses to your
judgement.  Elder Fang Shi will be doing the same."

Um... but hasn't Shamps already faced that judgement?

    "Yes," the silver-haired man said, "it is.  It's going to be 
very, very easy."  He raised his left hand and clenched it into a 
fist, and all the light went out, everywhere.

Even in Georgia? Didn't know this was a darkfic.

Overall, good job, as usual. Lots of WUE's trademark vivid descriptive
work, and I like what's being done with the characters -- with one
exception, Kuno, whom I find kind of annoying.

Keep up the good work!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics