On Tue, 13 Oct 1998, Mike Loader wrote:
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 16:57:52 -0400 (EDT)
From: Mike Loader <mike@thekeep.org>
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Humor/Production Clips] IMBS 'Are you awake' Spoof Scenes
Bet you thought Ill Met was composed to dirges, in utter seriousness, eh?
Not quite.
About midway through, we fell into the habit of including a 'joke scene'
in every half-chapter, just to make sure the other was _really_ paaying
attention. The spoofs were culled before going to the prereaders... well,
except for one, which accidentally made it through.
Here, for your amusement, are the best of the joke scenes.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Akane shook her head angrily. This was important. She had to
know, and Ranma had to get it off his chest. She had a feeling
that it was one of the things that haunted his dreams, and
sometimes the only way to exorcise those kind of demons was
to bring them out into the light
Steeling herself, she knocked.
"Come in."
She slowly opened the bedroom door, both relieved and
alarmed at the flatness of his tone. The lights were off, and
she could see him sitting crosslegged on his futon, staring at
the vase of cherry twigs opposite the window.
"Hello, Akane."
"Hi, Ranma."
There were no chairs in the room, and for a moment she just
stood awkwardly in the doorway. Ranma's gaze remained
transfixed on the vase, his eyes dull. After what seemed to be
an hour of seconds, Akane carefully picked her way over to
where he sat.
"Ranma?"
He did not look at her. "Yes?"
"You're not getting my Bud Light."
"Damn."
Next, he'll try raiding the kitchen, only to have Ryouga as a bouncer...
----------------------
A knocking on the door to her bedroom caused Nabiki to
glance up from her laptop. Quickly saving and closing the
letter, she slid across the bed to within easy reach of a
certain switch. "Come in."
The door opened, and Ranma strolled in, shutting it behind
him. A unpleasant sensation began to form in the pit of her
stomach.
"Ranma. What a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?"
He smiled widely, and the unpleasant sensation increased.
"Nabiki, Nabiki.... while I do enjoy our little verbal fencing
matches, I think it's time to talk plainly, don't you?"
"No, I think keeping up the facade of doubletalk and veiled
threats helps with the dramatic tension."
Ranma frowned. "Well, I'm gonna threaten to rape you in just
a minute. That's pretty dramatic."
"Yeah, but it's pretty blatant, too."
"I guess. How about if I rape and kill you while engaging in
veiled doubletalk?"
"I don't think that would work too well."
"Hmm, right. Drat."
This sounds like what Shakespeare had to go through in writing a couple of his
plays.
--------
Slowly, the boy rose from the bench and stretched, his red
shirt tight enough to show the rippling muscles beneath. Then,
with an arrogant smirk, he jumped atop the hanging log that
served as the field of battle.
Her mind tracked the leap, noticed both the ease with which
he had made the leap and the almost inhuman distance he had
covered with it. This was not going to be easy.
She made her own jump, landing upon the opposite end of the
log. This was her village, her tournament, her glorious victory.
The outsider would pay for marring her day with his presence.
A bonbori rose in salute.
The boy's eyes glittered a responce.
"JUNKEN POW!"
And the duel of rock-paper-scissors began.
Shampoo: Paper covers rock! I win!
Ranma (getting angry): Okay...best two out of three!
--------------
A cold fury welled up in Nabiki, pushing away the terror that
had almost threatened to overwhelm her seconds before. "If
you 'throw away' Akane, I swear by everything I hold dear that
I'll make you suffer."
"Take a number, little girl." He laughed, a bitter, mocking
sound. "All of you are years too late anyway. But, if you insist,
I'll keep a tight hold on Akane. After all, I'm her very best
friend."
Ranma: Especially when I turn into a pig...wait wrong character!
"She's not stupid, you know," Nabiki said quietly. "It may take
a few weeks, but she'll see you for what you are."
"For what I am?"
"A rabid closet fan of the 'Spice Girls'."
"I have all their CDs. And a copy of their movie. And their
official fan kit. Tell Akane and you die."
Nabiki tsked. "And if she finds out about the Mili Vanili
tapes?"
"Damn you," Ranma hissed. "Leave me to my shame."
And I wondered why Ranma ever wanted to be in DoCo...
-------------
The hill was still there.
Genma slowly walked up it, staring at the night sky far
above. It had been a long time.
"Well. It's been a long time."
He turned, startled by the sudden vocalisation of his
thoughts. At the foot of the hill stood a young man, features
hidden by the darkness.
"Excuse me?"
"I never thought you'd be stupid enough to actually come back
here, Saotome Genma."
A uneasy feeling grew in his stomach. "Do I know you?"
The young man started up the hill. "My name is Inego
Montoya," he commented, unshipping the giant Toledo-steel
spatula from the sheath on his back. "You killed my father.
Prepare to die."
Inego...I take it you're Ukyou's cousin?
----------------
"I knew Mariko, you know, before..." His smile faltered,
slipped away. "She used to come talk with us, bring us snacks,
that kind of thing. Anyway, she got careless one day, waving to
me and Ryouga from the school window, and she fell out. Third
floor."
"Oh my God..."
"Yeah. She landed almost face first, stood up, and brushed
herself off. She was really embarrassed."
"You've got to be joking."
"Yes, I'm joking."
"Oh."
"Am I supposed to kill you yet?"
"Not for a few more chapters. Chill."
Ranma...you're no Mel Brooks.
---------------------------
The doorbell rang, and Akane frowned in annoyance as she
clicked off the TV and stood. One of Nabiki's friends - business
associates; Nabiki had no friends - maybe, or perhaps one of
the neighbors. Ranma, she mused, walking to answer it, would
have just come right in. It was his house as well, now.
Nabiki has friends?!
Akane opened the front door and blinked.
"Hi," the boy standing on the porch said. "I'm Kuonji Ukyou. Is
Ranma in?"
"Not at the moment. I'm Tendo Akane. Wanna fuck?"
WHAT?!
"Sure!" Ukyou cheerfully said, removing her pants. "We can
use my cooking utensils."
Another blink. "Um. Is that a giant spatula on your back?"
Ukyou: Yes, that IS a giant spatula on my back, and I am glad to see you!
Ukyou nodded happily. "I'm an okonomiyaki cook. Is
Ranma..."
-----------
"I mean he was hanging by one hand over a crevice for about
45 minutes. And I think he was starting to lose his grip."
"Yeah, that sounds like an almost to me," Mariko finally said.
"So you're going to need some protection, huh?"
Mariko: I've only got a couple of Trojans...
Nabiki shook her head. "He doesn't know it was me. I'll be
fine." Please, God, please let him not guess.
Frowning, Koji leaned forward slightly. "Are you sure,
Nabiki-san? You know what he'll do if..."
"Yes, damnit, I know!" she snapped. "He'll kill me or rape me
or both! Believe me, I know that I'm walking a thin line. I'll get
out when and if the time comes, and I don't need you reminding
me how close I am!" She sagged, and slumped down on the log.
She wasn't going to cry. Not in front of people, not in a
borrowed shirt and jeans.
"I never wanted to do this in the first place," she finally
said. "I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree
as they float down the mighty rivers of central Japan! With my
stock portfolio by my side, I'd sing... sing... sing..."
"Coz she's a blackmailer and she's okay
She gets free food and makes Ranma pay," chorused the
Hibikis.
"I bug the rooms, I watch Ranma, I fight him with my mind
Akane is still clueless, and I die in Chapter Nine!"
Ryouga: Wait a minute...does Nabiki wear a bra?
-------------------------
"Nabiki, why do you hate him so much?"
"He's insane, Akane." It was said flatly, as if it were a
proven fact. "He's an insane monster using all of us for some
private little game. And he's using you more than anyone."
Akane turned away in disgust. "He's hurt. What he's been
through... I don't think you can imagine it. Ranma's not using
anyone, Nabiki; he's trying to keep his head above water."
Imagine, Nabiki having the gall to accuse someone of
manipulating people! Nabiki! "I've only seen one person in this
house playing games, and it isn't Ranma."
Her sister winced. "I'm not doing..."
"Don't play dumb with me, Nabiki. I know all about the little rigged
'Candyland' games you run out of the back room. It's a regular casino!
Shady types coming in at all hours, hooked on that damn game, trying to
roll the Lollipop Forest and win it all back..."
Sounds like Nabiki can make Chutes & Ladders an illegal game...
"Kasumi's in debt to me," Nabiki admitted smugly. "I'm renting her out
to a pimp until she pays back her gambling bill."
"You monster. Where does it end?"
"It doesn't! Next week, I'm adding a 'Monopoly' set! Nerima will be
mine! All mine! None can resist wholesome Milton Bradley fun!"
I can't wait to see her get people gambling in an UNO game...
"Dear god," Akane whispered.
"Come on, Akane... just one game of 'Candyland', for low stakes? You
were always so good at it...."
"No.... no, must resist... well, maybe one..."
"You and Kasumi can work the same street."
D'oh!
--------------------
The kettle whistled at the same time that she heard the
key rattle in the front door. Smiling, Ukyou turned it off and
walked towards the entry hall. It was about time Ranma got
home.
She had reached the living room when she saw Akane
enter, and sucked in her breath. The other girl's eyes were red
and tearstained, and her expression was miserable.
P-chan was now apart of a four-course meal, thanks to Kasumi "And people think
Ranma's insane" Tendo.
"Akane? Hey, what's wrong?" She had a sinking feeling
that she already knew. Maybe Ranma's problems had ended, and
Mariko and Tsen were even now celebrating.
"Hi, Ukyou." Akane managed a wan smile, but it didn't
reach her eyes. "There's been an accident, and Nabiki and Ranma
are in the hospital."
Ukyou slowly nodded, bracing herself for the worst.
"Are they going to be okay?"
"I don't know... the vibrator was at high power, and the tub of
KY jelly caught fire... which made the wild boars panic, and
then they slipped on the cabbages and feathers..." Akane broke
down, sobbing. "If only they hadn't been using the rubber hoses
and bicycles! That's too much, especially together with the
toaster oven and eels! I warned them!"
What? No vikings parading across?
----------------
Akane smiled, a bit sadly. "I thought so too, even though I
knew better. He's done this before. We're reading him all
wrong, and I don't know if he does it on purpose or not."
She frowned. "He might not of killed her, but he did cut
her."
Akane turned away. "I don't think he enjoyed doing it. But
he had to be sure she was telling the truth. And if she would
keep her oath even as he slit her throat, then she can be
trusted up to a point."
Ukyou's frown turned troubled. "So do you think she really
can be trusted?"
Laughing sourly, Akane sat down on the sofa. "No. I don't.
But I think we can trust her not to kill us while we sleep, or
stab us the minute we look away."
As she turned to face Ukyou, Shan strolled by and stabbed
her in the back.
Ukyou frowned. "That wasn't very nice."
Shan shrugged, pushing the twitching corpse off the sofa.
"She had it coming. Don't worry, you get yours in a few
chapters."
I think this foreshadowing thing has gone too far...
---------------------
The Amazon nodded, and Akane led the way to the
connector hall. "Right down there. I'm going to go throw on a gi;
I'll be right with you."
On the way back down from her room, she stopped in at
the kitchen, and leaned over the spot where Ranma was drying
a pan. "Hey. I'm going to be sparring with Shan Pu. Just so you
know."
He glanced up from the pan and nodded, eyes unreadable.
"Okay. Just don't pick up any bad habits. We're going to resume
training in a day or two." Then he smiled slightly. "Beat the
crap outta her."
She gave him a fierce grin, and dashed off to the dojo.
Shan Pu had used the time to go through a series of
warmup stretches; she now stood casually in the middle of the
fighting hall. Akane moved into the spot opposite, and bowed.
Shan returned it.
Akane threw back her head. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOORTAL
KOOOOOOOOOOOOOMBAT!" she roared.
Shampoo would have moves like Kitana. Akane would have moves like that radiative
guy in MK3.
[Akane vs Shan Pu. Round One. FIGHT!]
(snip)
Every muscle in her right side screamed at her in
protest, and she stumbled back as Shan plummeted into the
dojo floor amidst a shower of broken wood and fittings. That
had been easier than she had expected...
Ranma stepped out of the shadows. "Finish her!"
Akane opened her mouth. Fire spewed out, charring Shan's
to ashes.
[Akane Wins.]
Fatality!
--------------------
An impossible hope bloomed in the girl's eyes, and she
scrambled across the futon to clutch Koji's sleeve. "You... you
mean it? You... I won't have to anymore? Please?"
He nodded, a tear glistening in the dim moonlight. "Where
is he?"
"He's... he's in Akane's room... I wanted to warn her, but
he'd punish me, I'm punished when I'm bad... I tried to kill
myself, but he made me throw up the pills and then he...." She
clung to his shirt, shaking uncontrollably. "Please don't hurt
me..."
Aghast, Koji gingerly patted her on the shoulder, and
turned to Mariko. "Akane... oh God, we'd better hurry before
he..."
Mariko watched the girl wince in pain at the light pat.
'Ranma hurt, bad shoulder. Think is broken,' Shan Pu
whispered in her mind.
"Wait a minute!" she yelled, dashing over to the other
girl. "I've seen through this cheap sham! That's not Ranma's
abused sister Miyabi, it's..."
Dramatically, she ripped Miyabi's 'face' off.
"Charlie the Caretaker!" Koji and Mariko chorused,
astonished.
"Yes, that's right," Charlie muttered. "I faked the psycho
in order to scare everyone off. And I would've gotten away it it
too, if it hadn't been for you damn meddling kids and your dog!"
Now THERE'S a scary thought...P-chan as Scooby Doo?!
-------------------
Mariko strolled up the rampart, the sea wind blowing her
trenchcoat in billowing folds around her. Smiling slightly, she
approached the two figures who sat on a heap of broken
stonework, scanning the horizon. "Anything?"
Tsen nodded. "There a small boat pulling close." He
pointed, and Mariko squinted where he indicated. Sure enough, a
small fisher craft was angling and tacking towards the rock of
Gunkanjima. And no legitimate fisherman had any reason to
head for the island.
Koji blinked. "Inconcievable!"
"Maybe it's just humble fishermen, out for a midnight
sail in eel-infested waters," Mariko suggested.
"No matter! To follow, they'll have to scale the Cliffs of
Insanity!"
Cliffs of Insanity...many writers go there. Often.
"I thought that was in Chapter 12?"
"Oh yeah."
----------------
Ranma jumped straight up, all his strength going into
propelling him into the air. The rush of hot air gave him a
boost, and he caught the top of the shaft, pulled, and hauled
himself over the edge in a frantic roll.
A pillar of fire burst from the shaft, arcing high into the
island sky before falling apart in sparks and falling rivulets of
flame.
Scorched, blackened, but very much alive, Ranma stalked
slowly across the ruined factory floor.
^_-
Koji slowly began to swear. Around him, chains and gears
turned, machinery designed for some arcane purpose coming
back to life after decades of rust and silence. "Inconcieveable!"
Oh, god...it's the black cauldron!
"You keep using that word," Tsen noted. "I not think it
mean what you think it means."
---------------------
Akane sighed, carefully wrapped a bit of her dress around
her arm, and sat down by him to wait.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
The slide-thunk echoed throughout the tower room. Akane
turned around, and stared incredulously at Mariko.
"You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!" she blustered,
amazed.
"Yes, but I was saved at the last minute," Mariko said blandly.
"What? How?"
"Well... I'll tell you..." said Mariko, as music sprang up in
the background.
Ranma sat up. "o/~ She's going to tell... she's going to
tell..."
"Stop that!" Akane bellowed. "No singing!"
"o/~ She's going to tell..." came a voice from deep below
down in the bank vault.
"NO SINGING!"
Ukyou dragged her mangled form into the room. "This way, Akane!"
"o/~ She's going to tell... o/~"
"I thought you were dead?"
"I'm not quite dead."
"Mortally wounded?"
"o/~ She's going to tell... o/~"
"NO SINGING!"
"I'm feeling better, actually."
"No matter! Come, Ukyou, I must make a daring escape in my own
particular... particular..."
"Idiom?"
"Idiom, yes!"
"o/~ She's going to tell about her great escape! o/~
"NO SINGING!"
Wow. Mixing a Monty Python AND Gilbert & Sullivan joke combined. Impressive!