Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998 11:44:23 -0400
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: Hallstrom Consultants <hallcon@mindspring.com>
Subject: [FFML] [R1/2] [New] R&A:ALS Chpt. 3 Part A

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranma & Akane: A Love Story. 
Chapter 3: The Third Day
Part B: Storming the Wall: A Game of Wolf and Dragon

  He had answered the roll without conscious thought. Hearing without
observing the information that one of his female classmembers was 
unexpectedly absent. He had not even dared to look at Ranma, where she 
sat midway back in the class, he did not wish to see what expression

*I let most of the stylistic comma-splices pass, but this one jarred for 
some reason, rather than flowing like the rest of the work.  
Alternatives:  "... class; he did..."  "... class, for he did..."*

she wore. He had excused himself immediately, pleading a call of 

nature,

they would surely snicker, but he could not bring himself to care. He 
had almost fled the building, and now huddled in dread by the outer 
wall, just by the gates. 

  Huddled there in dread, for he knew he could not evade classes, and 
those dreadful, pitying, unconcerned faces forever. And observed the
approach to the schools gate of what seemed, to his inlooking eyes, to
be one of Furinkan's schoolgirls. Perhaps it was Asano-san he mused,
dully. He must pull himself together in front of his classmate. She
had not heard of his humiliation yet: he must put off that hearing, for

*Both parts could stand as sentences, so use a semicolon.

a moment at least. 

  Ranma and Akane had been slightly concerned for Sayuri when it was
discovered that she was not in school that day. Yuka, however, had
volunteered the information that she had gotten home from her date 
somewhat late last night, and furthermore that she had found a puppy.
So it was decided that she must simply have overslept, or possibly
caught some type of bug, and would be teased about it when she finally
drug in.

*Hm... Could find no reference of "drug" as past tense of "drag" in 
Webster's.  "dragged"*

  Jei spun towards his attacker, keeping his attention focused on her
ki-force, and beginning a triumphant snarl. Ranma sliced past him in a 
rush, Tenchuu burning through his stomach and out his back, severing 
his spine. Ranma, spun around Jei, hand, feet and sword flickering,

*No comma:  "Ranma spun around Jei,"*

testing his defenses and ki in a whirlwind too fast for even Jei's
boosted senses to track; but also too fast to do any lasting damage,
the minor wounds healing even as they were made. At last, having dis-
covered as much as she could, Ranma flashed to a position straddling
Jei's neck, one foot bracing against his back as the other leg curled
around his throat.

  Upon jumping the low sill left by the destroyed wall, she landed in
a warm, sticky pool and went to one knee, looking around in 

disbelieving

horror to find that the answer was: none. At least a dozen bodies 
littered the floor and desks of the violated room. Most were in pieces
no larger than half a torso, but all were clearly dead, and the still,
brooding air hung heavy with the iron tang of fresh blood, and the 
sewer stench of released bowels, overlain by the visceral, sour-sweet 
smell of human death. The combination went straight to her hindbrain
and forced her, gagging, to her hands and knees. Her eyes widened in 
shock, and she scrambled to her feet, frantically wiping her hands on 
her pants as she realized what she had landed _in_. She gasped and then
determinedly looked away from the carnage around her, out across the 
field to, and then past, the looming figure of the seven-foot tall wolf
demon, to where several panicked students, nearly mindless with fear,
huddled against the outside wall of the schoolyard.

*We have body count!  And one of the more realistic portrayals of death 
I've seen on the List.*

  This was, she thought, suggestive, and she had been engaged in 
attempting to locate the girl within the building when the screams and 
explosions had informed her that matters were becoming very odd and 
dangerous indeed. She had left the building by a convenient window and 
jumped into the trees, through which she had moved to a position just 
over the confrontation by the wall, observing the battle in awe. Seeing 
Akane's peril, she saw also an opportunity to intervene, and prove her 
own battle-worth in a theater of the utmost truth, and had intercepted 
the demon's spear with her ribbon.

*That means that Akane now owes her life to... Kodachi.  Ack.*

  Jei's counter pull of the shaft had ripped her from the tree and
several yards further into the schoolyard, but she had anticipated 

this,

and landed with all the grace of her gymnastic art, then turned and
began to unleash a peroration that would surely stop the monster in its

*Again, according to Webster's, "peroration" refers specifically to the 
_end_ of a speech.  Since this the first time the Black Rose has opened 
her mouth (and we all admire her restraint in fighting her natural 
tendencies for so long), I don't think that that's the word you want.*

tracks and lead directly to its defeat. "Hold, monster! For now ..."

  " ...Ugghkk." Kodachi gasped, as her speech was rudely interrupted
by the but of Jei's spear driving past her defense to slam into her 
midriff, tearing her leotard and breaking several ribs. The but was

*It's the "butt" of the spear.*

followed by the spearhead, rotating like a fan blade as Jei drove it in 
an arc that would have torn through her heart, while gathering balefire
to his off hand.

  Jei, of course, ignored the attack, bringing the shaft of his spear
over his head and down onto Tatewaki, sending the bokken from his hand
and dropping him, stunned, across his sister's body. And Akane followed 
up her original attack before he could reverse and use the blade, 

*Oh, well, at least Tatewaki provided a useful distraction.*

shoving him forcefully a couple of feet away, and following up to grab
the fallen bokken as she sprawled across the pile of Kunos. She turned
over desperately, bringing the bokken around to block the descending 
spearpoint away so that it thudded into the dirt beside her, and then
continuing with the only attack she could muster from her position flat
on her back on the ground. An attack that she knew was inadequate, 
possessing as she did only the mediocre skill gained by her desultory
studies previously and one day of Ranma's instruction. An attack that
was, nonetheless, the only thing she had. A kick straight up, with all
the force that was in her, past Jei's defense and into his groin. It 
lifted him up 6 inches, to a roar of shock and hate, forced his hands

*Oh!  That's GOTTA hurt!*

up, locked around the spearshaft for the downward, unstoppable strike
that would skewer her, Tatewaki and Kodachi all three, and gave Ranma
one single, unobserved, unoccupied second.

  The Desert Eagle roared, and attempted to buck in Ranma's solid 

grip.

Eight times it spoke and eight bullets flew. Each jacketed, solid core
hollow point missile carrying, locked to the iron spike at the core of
its leaden mass, as much of Ranma's ki as she could shove into it while
pulling the trigger. A packet of ki dedicated to only one goal -- to
expand explosively just before it entered Jei's body and then to hold
the lead and iron in a specific shape during its passage, irregardless
of the impedance of flesh or bone. A goal each packet achieved exactly,
punching eight holes in the spearwolf's body, each in the shape of an
ideograph in a scholar's shorthand of ancient China. Eight ideographs
relating a saying about men, and butterflies, and the difficulty of
telling the difference. Eight ideographs arranged on Jei's torso in a
pattern tracing out another ideograph in that same ancient hand. The
ideograph called 'Final Emptiness'.

*Okay, somebody's just showing off, now.*

  Across Nerima they traveled in leaps and bounds, Akane following 
roof lines as straightly as they could, and bypassing the traffic. 

*Ummm... you've got Akane as the antecedent of "they".  Now, the girl 
may be little unpredictable, but I doubt she's got full-blown MPD.  I 
think you meant "Ranma and Akane".*

Shortly, they heard the rising wail of sirens, and Ranma suddenly
snarled an oath. "I can feel it now unblocked, Akane-chan, I've gotta
hurry," she snapped out before blurring into a red and black streak.

  A brilliant flash of light destroyed the darkness, burning down its
resistance and banishing it with a fading wail. Ranma glided into the
house, glancing at the older woman lying in the doorway with a broad
spear mark through her outer chest she left the body to others and

*Hmmm... another clunker run-on.  Try breaking it in two:  "... outer 
chest.  She left..."*

strode to the small body lieing nearly hidden in another room. Kneeling 
down, she checked Sayuri's ki with a sinking heart, but snapped her 
head upward to Akane with burning but worried eyes. "She's still alive! 
But she's not breathing, and she's fading fast! Get help, and I'll try 
to call her back."

Nyahhahahahahaha!!!! Another cliffhanger! Evil, I'm so evil!

[Gestures absently, summoning two dark clouds that smell of brimstone 
and marinara sauce.  A pair of horned demons step forward, seemingly 
stuffed into their double-breasted suits.]

Freemage:  "Guido, Tony, take some of the boys over and explain to Mr. 
Hallstrom our writer incentive program, would you?"*

Some people commented that last episode seemed a little slow, and
didn't have much action. That's because I was saving the action for
this one. Was, ahh, that more what you had in mind? <innocent look>

This is why I try to avoid critiquing an author's pacing unless they 
specifically ask.


--Freemage

Next: Well, did she live or didn't she? The aftermath at Furinkan.
Counting up the cost. Ranma and Akane take a bath! More training!
And at dinner, Ranma tells a story. Who? What? When? Where? Why?

Questions answered, and background explicated, next time on:
Ranma and Akane: A Love Story
Chapter 3: The Third Day
Part C: Exploiting the Breach: Telling Stories

--
"I have always held to the line that the wisest thing a
writer can do is be himself and trust to God that the
people he offends are those he doesn't like." -- Ben Hecht.
-Eric Hallstrom, the even later
Eric Hallstrom  hallcon@mindspring.com

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com