Jason Liao <jasonl@hun.k12.nj.us> wrote:

Perhaps you addressed this in Prelude 1, and I've just forgotten.  Why
didn't she go with Tatewaki?

She was in Beijing trying (unsuccessfully) to negotiate some other help.

This part seems like an odd thing to say while they're running.  It would
seem more realistic if said when they arrived.  After all, does Mousse
expect Shampoo to spill her guts while in motion?  I think that he's
stupid, but not quite *that* stupid.

I'll think about this.

I first thought that this was Akane's thoughts, until I got to the "He
didn't love her." part.  Perhaps it would flow a little better if you
separated Akane's speech from Shampoo's thoughts.

OK, that sounds like a good idea.

Cologne wanted to hitch him up with Shampoo, and she had done some
pretty nasty things to try to force him -- like giving him the full-body
cat's tongue, and teaching Ryoga the Breaking Point.

And how was Ryouga's training supposed to get Ranma married to Shampoo?

By having Ryoga take Akane away by challenge.

	"My passing threatens to change things. Sometime in the future,
our village will be in great danger. I do not know when, or because of
whom.

But she knows that the village will be attacked, because...?

All will be revealed in due time... (I hope)

You use a heck of a lot of semicolons.  Maybe it's only a stylistic thing,
but I have the impression that using them is supposed to emphasize the
continuation of the thought of the sentances, and that too many dilutes
the effect.

I'll look over it to see if there's any that ought to be changed.

And of course, she sucessfully accomplished this mission, and we never
hear about this mysterious cask of water again.

Um, wrong. Someone got to it before Shamps did (hence the empty
cabinet), and it'll turn up again in the main HaM series.

	"Ranma and his friends are skilled, but even they might not be
enough to tip the scales in our favor. There is a secret weapon,
concealed by me in the village. The responsibility is now yours. You
must use it when and if you judge it necessary. Listen closely...."

It's name is...Bazooka-chan.

Nah, that's her favorite flavor of bubble gum.

would be a good idea. That was when I was just learning the art. I was

Might want to capitalize the word art.

Will think about this.

	The sadness in the Amazon's voice turned to desperation.
"Hurry... you must not fail...." Then she breathed an audible sigh of
relief. One way or another, it was over.

Hmm...saying that it's a sigh of relief kind of reassures me that whatever
happens, it will all turn out okay in the end, so it lessens the tension. 
How about just saying that it was an audible sigh?  (Unless you're trying
to give that impression, of course)

OK, that's a good idea.

	As usual, I'd like to hear anything anyone has to say on this
chapter, or this series in general.

Good stuff, write more, welcome back.  ^_^

Thanks! I'll do my best to make time with which to continue work on this
series.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics