"Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com> wrote:

Welcome back to the wild and wacky land of fanfic, Gary.

Thanks... I missed being here, lemme tell ya.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Tatewaki's spent the last five years
training and living with the Joketsuzoku, right?  I'd say in that time
Shan's probably had ample opportunity to get to know him, right?

Good point. I'll figure out something else to say here.

I like this insight.  It seems to cut quite accurately to the core of
Mousse's character, though perhaps it's a little unfair to him.

Well, it is Pu's view of him, which is bound to be a little one-sided.

Hmm... hard to get really isn't Shampoo's style, and considering that
she was trying pretty hard to stop that first wedding, a sudden
turnaround to giving up on Ranma doesn't seem completely plausible,
unless there's some deeper reason here for her new tactics.

Good point. I'll think about changing this.

       "This my father," Shampoo said. "Shan Peine."

Funnily enough, the pun of this name didn't hit me until I read it a
few times.  Slow-brain day for me.  ^_^;

I did describe him as a "bubbly" man in "A Different Faith." ^_^

       "I'm dying," she replied. Her hands and arms trembled as they
moved. Her gaze moved slowly and often seemed to lose focus. Where she
had merely worn the mask of age before, she was now truly elderly.

The last sentence seems a bit awkward to me.  It might work better if
it was shorter and sharper, e.g.:  She had merely worn the mask of age
before; now she was truly elderly.

That does sound better.

       "Have you ever wondered why I am here? Why the eldest and --
until now -- greatest warrior of the Amazons has been running a ramen
shop in Tokyo?"

For kicks?  For fun?  To meet men?

BZZT! The correct answer would have been, because it's an excellent tax
shelter.

Hmm... this seems a little implausible to me.  What's to stop whoever
destroys the Amazons with modern weaponry from using the modern
weaponry against Cologne as well?

Because she's hanging out in Tokyo. Using the kind of weaponry there
that you'd need to take down Cologne would have bad consequences.
Attacking Nerima with heavy artillery would get the Japanese (and
probably lots of others) to declare war on whoever did it.

       Ranma and Akane glanced at each other, some odd unspoken
communication passing between them. They were married now; even Cologne
respected that. The old games that they used to play were over. But 

what

would take their place?

I'd recommend casual sex.  I've heard it does wonders.  

Hey, they still haven't had their honeymoon....

       There was no question in Ranma's mind what his response would
be. To use his skills to protect those in need... it was what he had
quite literally spent his entire life training for. "I'll do everything
I can."

Spent his entire life training for?  Ranma Saotome?  Son and student 
of Genma Saotome, world's most selfish man? 

Yup. Saotome Genma, whose motto is "Do as I say, not as I do." :)

       "The whole death thing. Y'know, just between you and me, there
were times when I didn't like Cologne all that much. But now that she's
dying, it's like I can't think that way about her anymore. Does dying
make you a better person?"

Nope.  But it probably doesn't make you a worse one.  Unless you come
back as a zombie or a vampire or something.  Err... never mind.  ^_^;

Look on the bright side... you could reincarnate as a game show host.

       "I guess I know what you mean. She and I weren't exactly the
best of friends either. Maybe we should all try to be nicer to each
other while we're alive."

A rousing chorus of "Age of Aquarius" was sung, and everyone gave each
other a hug.

As long as they don't start singing the Barney song....

       Kaede descended the steps. Her mind burned with curiosity over
what the future would bring; but she could not know. It was a play that
she still had a role in. It was time to begin that role, if a certain
person were agreeable.

Hmm... I think this is grammatically correct, but it sounds a little
odd.  Might be better as:  "...if a certain person was agreeable."

I'll see if I can find another way to write it.

       Cologne's only response was silence, and the blank stare of
motionless eyes.

Cue the violins... 

"Ranma! Prepare to die! I'll kick your--"

"He said vioLINS, you stupid jerk!"

Seriously, though, a nice scene with Shampoo and Cologne.  Touching.

Thanks!

       "Oh my!"

Cue instant character recognition.

Sometimes it *does* help to have a grossly over-used tag line. :)

 Nice surprise, though, Gary.  Too
bad I remembered it from the first draft.  :(

Always the problem with re-runs.

       CHAPTER NOTES: I'm still not completely happy with this 

chapter,

but I'm at the point where I need to hear some feedback on it.

I tried my best.  :)

Ya did fine. I appreciate it much!

Generally a nice chapter, though it seems a trifle rushed, 
wanting to deal with the matter of Cologne's death, Kaede's successor
and a few other things.

I agree that this was a bit rushed. I had a lot of trouble trying to
figure out what to do with this chapter, and I eventually ended up
cutting some of the scenes. Towards the end, I was probably a little too
eager to get it out of the way and move on to something else. :)

 However, it's good to see the H&M preludes 
have returned... hopefully we'll see some of that main story soon.

Hopefully, yeah. It's all plotted out, and I'll do my best to make time
to write.

Thanks for the C&C, Alan!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics