illegal aliens in Nerima [xover][bet][alt]
all apologies to Phil Foglio & Nick Pollotta,
R.Takahashi, Pioneer, Fred Perry, Morgan
Wright, and all the other trademark owners.
---------------------------------------------------
	"Tiny changes?" Surtur frowned,
subtle was not something he typically understood,
but Hel if he was gonna let those uppity Aesir
go playing this game without him putting his
two stel in. "How about..." He remembered
Skuld doing something. "How about if 
this ship go off course? Navigation off.
Pretty funny, yah?"

	"Yah, yah, yah!" Three vikings
walked by, obviously lost.

	Toltiir blinked. "Okay, let's see
what you've done."
---------------------------------------
	Akane hit the baseball with all
her might, watching as it climbed into the 
sun.

	"Damn, Akane, I think that one
might be gone forever."

	Akane blinked. "No. Here it comes.
Uh....oh."

	The baseball was dropping down,
now the size of a soccer ball, then the size of
a Japanese sedan, then the size of a house.

	Darkness embraced Akane as she
stared up at the huge sphere that she realized
was larger than the Kuno Estate. A featureless
white sphere gently dropping at a few hundred
feet per second.

	The bat had dropped to her feet.
Her jaw was attempting to join it. "Eeep?"

	The anime Akane would have
likely gotten angry and immediately assumed
this was another fiancee for Ranma or yet
another self-proclaimed Prince come to 
claim her as a bride. Fortunately, this was
a non-psycho-bitch fanfic Akane, and she
ran as she realized that the sphere would 
most likely impact on the pitcher's mound.
Unfortunately, the size of the sphere would
seem to indicate that it would take up the
entire field. For those of the audience unfamiliar
with softball, Akane was standing at home 
plate.

	Seeing the deepening shadow
spreading ahead of her faster than she could
run, Akane did something she had never done
before. "Ranma! Help!" It was a tough choice,
but she had decided that calling to Ranma for
assistance was less a blow to one's pride than
being squished under a really damn big cue ball.

	The sudden acceleration made her 
heart skip a beat, realizing that Ranma had indeed
come to her rescue. The flood of relief was just
momentarily shouldered aside by a realization
that Ranma had not been too terribly careful
where he had grabbed Akane in their high 
velocity flight out of ground zero.

	She didn't really mean to hit him,
it was more of a reflex action.
-------------------------------------------------
	The huge ping-pong ball sat there
in the ruins of the schoolyard, a massive 
thing that stretched from the gym to a little
further than where the rear walls had been.

	Within minutes, Nabiki Tendo
had moved with near "Chestnut Fist" speed
and gotten the T-shirts, bumper stickers,
and other paraphenalia to be produced.

	Ucchan's set up a stall, after 
paying an informer's fee to Nabiki. The 
Cat Cafe followed suit.

	The crowd was immense at
this point, having drawn people from all
over to see this odd thing.

	A discrete bribe to the cameraman
insured that Nabiki's smiling face (as she hawked
"I SAW THE ALIEN SPACESHIP" T-shirts and
memorial travel mugs) was seen by the television
audience. 
-----------------------------------
	"Off to _another_ job," sighed Kiyone
unhappily to Mihoshi. "It's not...like..."

	Kiyone stopped and backed up to 
look at the image of the ship being shown on
the display TV. "Live from Furinkan High School"
was displayed on the bottom.

	"Oh, wow! That's a Nikon#4,
isn't it? Looks like it's in good condition."
Mihoshi scratched her head, thinking it
looked familiar.

	"Oh my...no. Oh no," Kiyone's
expression suggested that she'd just found
out that she had been demoted to janitorial
services on one of the seedier planets. "Do
you recognize that? It's the 'All That Glitters',
Mihoshi. That's Leader Idow's ship!"

	"Leader Idow?" Mihoshi thought
about this. "Isn't he the one who..."

	"Idow The Butcher? Idow the 
Genocidal Maniac? The terrorist responsible
for the destruction of thousands of worlds,
the unleashing of the Berserkers, convincing
Kaine that our galaxy is a nice place to visit,
the one responsible for R'por'R and the K'taa
jihads? Yes, THAT Leader Idow. How did he
get HERE. Oh crap!" 

	Kiyone started running, then came 
back and pulled Mihoshi forcefully away from 
the TV. "C'mon, Mihoshi, maybe Washuu has
the Yagami fixed! Oh, damn, what timing."

	The world was doomed. She'd 
probably be demoted. This was a very bad
day.
--------------------------------------------------
	The police arrived in swarms, SWAT
team helicopters and TV news choppers in an
air supremacy battle.

	The forceshield proved too much for
Ranma's Mouko Takabisha, Ryouga's Shishi Hokoudan,
and (in a desperate move by Ranma) Akane's bento.

	Tenchi bought Sasami an "I saw the
alien spaceship" souvenier travel mug, and 
wondered why the heck she'd want something
like that. The plushy little green man he could
understand, kind of, especially after her explanation
of how it reminded her of some ambassador she'd
met years ago.

	The Sailor Senshi stood by, in their
civilian disguises, just in case. Since the forceshield
also stopped their scanners, they had to wonder
if this wasn't another Negaverse trick.

	Dee, cursing the crowd and having
to spend a lot of time in a smelly city, looked at
the alien ship and wondered if they could lift
the curse of infertility inflicted upon the 
werewolves.
----------------------------
	Meanwhile, deep within the alien
ship, odd semi-organic machines stirred from
their fitful sleep. Invisible beams began to
probe the crowd, paying scant attention to
the ecstatic money-counting Nabiki, the
ice-cream slurping Usagi, the aghast pizza
delivery boy, the frightened, the oblivious,
and even the great Tatewaki Kuno.

	Steadily, the beams probed, and
the viewing intelligences were quite unaware
that their scanners were among the rapidly
increasing list of devices that were not 
working too terribly well.

	Hundreds were tested as the beams
widened their search marking certain individuals
as being possible candidates among the milling
throng of rejects. Here it settled on seven among
the masses who viewed it dispassionately, without
fear or much emotion at all.

	"These?" asked the device of They-Who-
Command.

	"Are they a good cross-section of the 
populace of this world?"

	"A cross-dresser, a housewife, a delivery
girl, a juku student, a prince (therefore a representitive
of a ruling body), a juvenile delinquent, and a hunter.
Yes. As far as can be determined."

	"Well," came the answer. "They'll have
to do."

	Instantly space/time twisted around the
chosen and they vanished.

	"Ranma!" Akane yelled as he vanished.

	"SHAMPOO!" Mousse screamed.

	"Tenchi!" Sasami yelped.

	"Ami! Makoto!" Usagi squealed.

	Ifurita looked around. Someone had
attacked Makoto? They would pay dearly for
that. Oh, wait, he was buying two of those
okonomiyaki things...false alarm. However the
odd woman who had been standing nearby had
vanished.
-------------------------------------------------
	The sphere had analyzed the primitive
broadcast mediums and now responded, blowing
every station and signal off the dial with its own
massive surge. Almost microscopic repeaters in
orbit made sure that the message was received
in a global manner.

	The masses at first laughed. Thinking
that this was a rebroadcast of an old hokey SF
program. The realization that it was real came later.
Others, though, reacted differently.

	Skuld, Urd, and Belldandy stared at
the events coming by and wondered why this
had never appeared in the prophesies of 
Ragnarok.

	Gorgon, Slick, and Brute nodded
to each other and boarded a plane for Japan.
They exited a few moments later as they couldn't
get clearance for takeoff from the tower without
any radios working.

	Makoto and Ifurita watched Nabiki's
television and wondered if this was something
that Jinnai had cooked up.

	The remaining Sailor Senshi tried to
establish communication with their missing 
members. Failing that, they went looking for
a place to transform and try their powers against
the invisible barrier.

	And in a secret bunker down below
the Pentagon, the UN's First Contact Team 
started their trip to Japan.

	In the MiB offices, the Magenta
flag was raised and everyone read up on the
files for Leader Idow.
---------------------------------------
	"...OF DIRT, ATTENTION.....PEOPLE
OF DIRT, ATTENTION."

	Makoto turned to Ifurita. "It sounds
like a computer generated voice. Possibly the 
aliens lack the same sort of vocal equipment we
have."

	"Huh?" Nabiki said. This guy wasn't
from around here, he had a brain.

	"WE ARE SCOUTS OF THE GALACTIC 
LEAGUE HERE TO DETERMINE IF YOUR PLANET, 
THE DIRT, IS SUFFICIENTLY ADVANCED TO JOIN
THE COALITION OF YOUR NEIGHBORING STARS."

	The odd geometric patterns playing on the
screen changed, becoming a blue skinned humanoid 
wearing a white military-looking uniform. He had two
mouths, only one of which was moving.

	"Yup, translation device," observed Makoto.
"He doesn't have any lip-synch."

	"FROM THE CROWD THAT HEMS OUR
SHIP, WE HAVE TELEPORTED ABOARD A CROSS
SECTION REPRESENTATION OF YOUR PLANET'S
POPULACE."

	"Ranma's alive?" Akane looked up.

	"I knew Ranchan couldn't have died
that easily!" Ukyou wiped tears away.

	"My Shampoo is alive?"

	"She's not yours, you dolt."

	"THE POPULATION OF YOUR PLANET
SHALL BE ALLOWED TO WATCH YOUR 
REPRESENTITIVES BEING TESTED. IF THE 
SUBJECTS PASS, THEN DIRT WILL BE WELCOMED
INTO THE GALACTIC LEAGUE AS A NEW, BUT
EQUAL, MEMBER."

	"I hear a qualifier coming," observed
Nabiki in an ominous tone.

	"BUT..."

	Nabiki groaned.

	"...SHOULD YOUR REPRESENTATIVES
FAIL THE TESTS, THEN WE WILL BE FORCED TO
REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A RADIOACTIVE 
CINDER. NOTHING PERSONAL. THIS IS IDOW
OF THE GALACTIC LEAGUE...OUT."
-------------------------------
	The whine of turbines filled the air.
Kiyone adjusted the shields, set weapons to
charge, and flicked the switch that would bring
the main engines online. "Yagami. LAUNCH!"

	<WHHIRIRrrrrrrrrr. rattle. sput. click>

	"Auuggghhhhhhhhhh!" 
-------------------------------
	Nabiki stared at the screen, a look
of horror on her face. "Our lives depend on
Ranma proving that we're civilized enough
to join a galactic society. We're doomed."

	"Hey, Ranchan's not that bad."

	"Doomed."

	Mousse shrugged. "Hey, he's 
got Shampoo with him. That lowlife."

	"Doomed, I tell you." Nabiki
was sweating. Maybe now was a good
time to have a religious conversion.

	"Ranma will do it, I'm sure,"
Akane hesitated. "Hey, he's with Shampoo,
isn't he? That hentai!"

	"Completely doomed."

	"I don't think they're what they
say they are," Makoto said carefully and
loudly enough that he could be clearly
overheard. "If they are, their handling of
the situation is completely wrong. Come
on, people, we're not beaten yet!"

	"Doomed." Nabiki repeated.
And here she had made such a nice profit
so far...

	The TV screens came alive again,
this time showing scenes of the those who
had been chosen to represent "Dirt." 

	"Hey, who's that woman hugging
Ranchan?"

	"Kasumi?" Akane blinked at the
way Kasumi was clinging to Ranma.

	"Kasumi?" Nabiki said with a
little hope. Nearly everyone liked Kasumi.
Maybe Kasumi could balance out Ranma.

	A tight camera angle showed
Ranma, the words underneath reading
"crossdressing pro wrestler." This caused
Ryouga to fall over laughing for the next
five minutes.

	The picture moved, showing 
Kasumi Tendo hugging Ranma. The logo
read "Crossdresser's housewife."

	Mousse slapped his fist into
one hand. "That's it! No wonder that Akane
and Ranma couldn't be broken up, it was
all a cover for the real fiancee! I knew all
that fighting they did couldn't have been for
real. Kasumi has been the real Tendo fiancee
all along!"

	Nabiki and Akane stared at Mousse,
while Cologne muttered something about how
if that had been true, Shampoo would have just
taken a co-wife and they'd all be back in China
now. Ukyou actually thought about it.

	Usagi Tsukino gasped as a picture
of Ami Mizuno was shown. The caption read
"juvenile delinquent."

	Makoto Kino was shown next. The
caption this time read "over obsessive cram
school student."

	"I think there's something wrong
with their machines," said Rei Hino in a dry
voice. "Either that or this is some lame 
Negaverse plot."

	No comment about the green
eyed and red haired girl who was actually
snarling. The caption on her read "Dirt
Primary Huntress."

	Shampoo settled into a horse
stance and began a "Chestnut fist" 
attack on one of the doors, being told
to desist by the red haired girl. The
caption on this picture read "pet shop
delivery girl."

	"Doomed," repeated Nabiki.

	A single man, completely calm,
seemed to have an air of leadership to
many of those watching. "Prince" read
his caption.

	Miles away, Aeka and Ryoko's
current fight came to an abrupt halt.
With an oddly harmonious "They've 
got Tenchi!", the two raced off to try
to come to the rescue.
------------------------------------------
	"Attention, Dirtlings,"
spoke Leader Idow's translated voice,
"we are ready to begin the First Test."

	"Consume waste products,
you unclean offspring of unmarried
parental units!" The red furred one
yelled at the ceiling. "We are not
jointed wooden statues to perform
physical motions set to music upon 
your twisted vegetable fibers."
------------------------------------
	Makoto Mizuhara loudly observed
that HER lip synch was off, too.
------------------------------------
	"There is no need to shout,"
Leader Idow thumbed up the volume
in the test chamber, then lowered it
back down to normal.

	"Negative waste products,"
gasped Ranma. "Self apology, Kasumi."

	Kasumi nodded.

	"You seven are a cross
section of your race brought aboard 
this ship as a sampling of typical 
Dirtlings."

	"Your maternal unit was a dirtling!"
Makoto Kino muttered, but loudly enough
that her words (translated and retranslated)
reached around the globe via the broadcasting.		
	
	"Before the people of your world,"
Leader Idow continued, "you will be tested to
see if your race is ready to join the Galactic
League."

	"Is that anything like the Silver
Millenium?"

	"However," Leader Idow gave
a questioning look to the communications
tech who just shrugged, "if you fail the
tests, your planet will be destroyed."

	"That inhales!" Makoto said.

	"That exhales!" Dee growled.

	"I smell most unpleasantly on
tests," groaned Ranma.

	The calm boy with the black
ponytail stood up from where he'd been
leaning against the wall. "And so, praytell,
what are the nature of these tests?"

	Leader Idow grinned. "Let
me show you."
------------------------------------
	A pillar rose from the floor, with
four metal lumps that resembled army
helmets with ducts and fans added.

	"THIS IS THE FIRST TEST,"
came Idow's voice, booming again. "IN
SIXTY SECONDS, THESE FOUR COMBAT
DRONES WILL BE ACTIVATED AND 
THEY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO KILL 
YOU. DESTROY THESE DRONES OR 
YOU SHALL ALL PERISH......HEY!"

	Ranma and Shampoo seemed
to blur.

	"Sweet Chestnut Fist!" Ranma
slammed two of the drones with hundreds
of punches per second.

	"Breaking point!" Shampoo
jabbed out with two fingers, shattering
the two on her side.

	"Show off," said Ranma to
Shampoo.

	Shampoo grinned and 
shrugged.
------------------------------------
	All over the world, people
blinked and checked their watches.

	Also all over the world,
a vast number of the male populace
wanted to know where the girl in the
short Chinese dress came from, and
were there any more like that?
------------------------------------
	At the one minute mark, one of
the larger lumps of metal made a growling
noise and extruded a knife blade. Ranma
very quickly shattered it into tiny pieces.

	"Next?" Tenchi said, all but
oozing confidence at the camera.
-------------------------------------
	All over the world, hundreds
of young women were asking where this
Prince came from, and was he single?

	Almost half that number were
asking similar questions about the guy
with the pigtail.
--------------------------------------
	"YOU...HAVE DONE WELL,
DIRTLINGS."

	"Here it comes," warned 
Tenchi. Unnecessarily as even Kasumi
realized what was going on.

	A series of doors began to
slide open, eerily resembling the 
sort of thing you'd see in "Get Smart."

	"THIS IS YOUR SECOND
TEST....FIGHT, DIRTLINGS! FIGHT AND
KILL FOR THE LIFE OF YOUR PLANET
AGAINST THE QUATRALYAN!"

	Ranma blinked, then he started
to laugh.

	It was noted that Makoto,
Dee, and Ranma were all laughing at the
ludicrous chickendog that was slowly
moving across the arena towards them.

	Tenchi wasn't. Kasumi was
actually frowning. Ami was looking at
something on her laptop.

	"Pray, cease this humor,"
said Kasumi in a clear voice. "Please
note that the overall body shape is
reminiscent of certain predator birds.
Though the mouth area is apparently
quite small, the muzzle itself is rather
long."

	"Affirmative," Dee said
and seemed to sniff the air. "Confirm
that scent is predatorial in nature.
My turn, I would theorize."

	Ranma and Shampoo
stood to the sides, wondering what
this gaijin was going to do if that
thing was actually dangerous.

	Shucking her overcoat,
Dee was wearing loose fitting 
pants, a tanktop, and a necklace
that was composed of claws on a
rawhide thong. She was also wearing
a grin that suggested she was about
to have fun. Then she ran forward,
changing.

	Her mass doubled, fur
sprouted from every part of her body,
she developed a slight muzzle of her
own, thick claws formed on the ends
of her fingers. Dee was, after all, a
werewolf.

	The attitude of the TV
viewing public at large was that we
had aliens fighting on our side too.

	Slim barbed tentacles
shot through the werewolf's body,
first two, then five, then a dozen.
Dee stopped and slumped to the
floor.

	The Quatralyan advanced,
dozens of tentacles waving around 
its form. 

	"Not yet," snarled Dee.
She rolled to her feet and began slashing
and hacking with her claws, ripping the
predator's body apart despite her having been
holed an even dozen times through
the chest with inch thick tentacles.

	The Quatralyan made another
angry sounding gurgle before it became
dozens of splotchy bits on the floor.

	Dee staggered off and
collapsed against the wall, groaning.

	Kasumi was there almost
immediately, ready to bind wounds,
only to have the patient grin bloodily
at her.

	"Do not overworry yourself,
my friend, these wounds will heal of
themselves quickly enough, though
your concern is quite appreciated."

	Kasumi stared down at the
furry woman's torso and nodded, she
remained nearby, however.
-------------------------------------
	"You see that! McFee! They
may not be common, but there ARE humans
who can feel sympathy for those not of
their species! It is damn slow, but they
ARE learning."

	"Maybe," nodded McFee.
"Mayhap it is time that the magical
races, slowly mind you, began to 
return. Maybe. We'll see."
---------------------------------------
next (if there is a next): war robots,
starpolice, and Kasumi, oh my!

	oh yes, the translator IS
one of the many things not working too
well on this ship. it is not a mistake on
the part of the author. thank you.