This is a revised version of "Uncommon Materials".  It will be named thus
on my webpage, but I renamed for the FFML to see if I could get a little
more feedback this time around....*evil grin*


Brief author's note:

The Red Green Show is a public TV show out of Canada.  It features men
goofing off in a "manly" setting.  It has sections like "Adventures with
Bill", "Handyman's Corner", "Ask the Experts" and really cheesy songs.  In
short it is more fun then most big budget productions.  It has the level of
broadcast quality of the Early Doctor Who shows.....

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of this.  I borrowed the characters from thier respective
owners for a short fic.  I don't know about Carl Macek or Harmony Gold, but
Red Green would approve of his role.....

************




	It was another beautiful day at Possum Lodge, a place where men
could be men.  In fact when the testostorone level got to a critical point,
it was time to do something about it.  It was time for:

Handyman's Corner!

	Red walked on camera looking like he always does.  Khaki pants,
flannel shirt, battered felt hat, and suspenders with one red and one green
stripe.  Behind him is his shop, dusty and moldy as ever.  Scattered around
are the remains of several previous projects like the patio table cum
windsurfer, a fender from the Hummerdinger, and the pair of waders Red blew
up during the inflated wader contest the previous year.  There is also a
big heap of some kind of shiny fabric on the bench. He begins speaking in
his trademark gravelly voice.

	"Hi, I'm Red Green, and today on Handyman's Corner we are going to
show you how to make a Zentraedi pop-up tent.  Utilizing nothing but some
1/2" PVC pipe and fittings, which you can find at any construction site on
evenings or weekends, two small tarps and a pair of female Zentraedi
panties."  The camera zooms past Red to show the materials arrayed out on
the workbench.  Now that he mentions it, it is obvious that the pile of
fabric are indeed a huge pair of women's panties.  They are a shiny olive
drab.

	"Well, the first thing we are going to do is construct the frame.
Having already taken the measurments from the, uh, tent shell, I've cut the
uprights and ridgepoles to the right size."  Red picks up several pieces of
white schedule 40 PVC pipe and shows them to the camera.

	"Next, we hook them together with tees and elbows."  Red deftly
inserts the various lengths of PVC into the fittings.  When he is done the
framework looks something like an A frame house without the siding.  "Now,
you can fasten this together any way you like,  you can use PVC cement,
nuts and bolts, whatever your favorite fastening system is.  Here at Possum
Lodge, we use the Handyman's Secret Weapon:  Duct Tape."  Red proceeds to
take several turns of duct tape around each of the fittings, firmly joining
the fittings to the lengths of PVC.

	"Now we are ready for the, uh, tent shell.  Now, I'm sure you are
wondering why we are using a pair of Zentraedi's ladies undergarments.
Well, there are three major reasons.  First, they are the right size to
make a tent that will sleep three to four people.  Second, if we used male
Zentraedi's shorts, we would have an extra hole to worry about.  Third,
female Zentraedi undergarments are incredibly waterproof and odor
resistant.  Odor resistance is something you really need if you are camping
out with any of the guys from the lodge."

	Red walks over to the table and picks up the giant pair of panties.
He walks over to the tent frame and whisks the fabric over the top.
Pulling the  waistband of the panties down to the ground, the whole
construction does indeed look like a tent.   Albieght a tent with two
giant holes in it.  "Now we have to fasten the tent to the frame.  A little
more duct tape will see to that."  Moments later the tent is fully secured
to the framework via a small seam of duct tape all around the bottom.

	Standing up from securing the bottom edge of the tent, Red grabs
two green canvas tarps off the workbench.  "We are using military surplus
tarps instead of blue poly tarps for our doors.  Though the poly tarps are
lighter, the color clashes really bad with the olive drab green of the,
umm..urr....tent fabric.  Five by seven tarps seem to be about the right
size to cover up the leg openings just about perfect.  Secure the tarps in
place with a generous amount of duct tape at the top."  Red proceeds to do
just this.

	"If you want you can completely tape up one of the tarps, but we
prefer to have doors at both ends of the tent.  That way if the amount of
natural gas in the tent reaches critical, after say a chilli cookoff, any
explosions will simply blow out the doors rather than destroying the whole
tent due to over pressure."

	Finally Red steps back to admire his handiwork.  In all respects,
it isn't that bad of looking tent.  If you didn't know better, you wouldn't
be sure this was a giant pair of women's panties.  All in all, it is one of
Red's better ideas.  "Well, there you go.  A Zentraedi pop up tent.  We
here at the lodge would like to thank Miryia Sterling for the donation of
the.....uh....materials.  Thanks for watching, and remember, if the women
don't find ya handsome, make sure the find ya handy!"

*********

Okay, I've crawled into my flame retardent racing suit, you may now comment
away!

All comments are both encouraged and responded to!  Let me know what you think!

You can find out more about the Red Green show at http://www.redgreen.com
who else would build a Humvee out of two Hyundis and several rolls of duct
tape....

Thanks for reading!

Later!

Big Bore and the Nitro Express!


Visit Bob and Tanya's Alaskan Homepage at
http://www.geocities.com/Yosemite/Trails/5144

"There is not enough darkness in this world to extinguish the light of a
single candle."