*******
All references and characters presented are copyrighted by their respective
creators and used without permission. Sorry if I defamed any character
presented. This is just a silly little story. Maybe I've been watching Airplane
too much...man, did I pick a good time to stop drinking coffee...
******* 

Andrew proudly presents...
An Anime Fractured Fairy-Tale...
Ranma 1/2: Rama-chan & the Three Tendos.
Narrator: Once a upon a time, there were three Tendos. There is Kasumi...(Kasumi
waves)Nabiki...(Nabiki glares at the camera) and Akane Tendo. (Akane bows, while
holding P-chan.) And they live in this quaint cottage, as if. (Shot of the
cottage. It's a cottage, according to William Randolf Hearst & J.D. Rockafeller:
it looks much like it came out of the "Dynasty" set, complete with sauna, huge
Neptune style and size pool, and basically anything that Nabiki's money can buy.
Complete with a Masterpiece view of the ocean.)
Nabiki (looking at the camera): And I only paid 2 million dollars for this
place.
Narrator: Oookay. Anyway, one day the three Tendos were eating porridge.
(Shot of the three girls eating porridge at the very elaborate Bruce-Wayne like
kitchen table.)
Akane: Explain to me why we're eating porridge?
Nabiki: It's cannon for fairy tales. Besides, you're on a diet, sis.
Akane: I'm not fat!
Nabiki: Trust me, sis, you'd make Eric Cartman look thin. (Akane gives Nabiki a
Stone Cold Austin look of doom.)
Kasumi: Now, dears, eat your porridge.
Narrator: Anyway, they were eating porridge. However there was a problem.
(Kasumi looks at her porridge, the spoon melts.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! My porridge is too hot!
(Nabiki is picking at the porridge with a pick-axe. She check it with a
thermometer. It reads, "Has Hell frozen over?")
Nabiki: My porridge is too cold.
(We get a close shot of Akane looking in horror.)
Akane: My porridge is beating up on P-chan! (P-chan gets thrashed by the
porridge's hand of doom. Akane has to whack the porridge with her mallet a
couple times before the porridge is subdued. P-chan looks very dizzy and seemed
to have better days.)
Kasumi: Well, then. Since we can't eat our porridges now, lets go out for a
walk! (Nabiki sighs.)
Nabiki: I suppose I could sell the Brooklyn bridge a couple dozen more times...
Narrator: So, they leave to walk in the woods! (Akane's chi flares up and glares
off screen.)
Akane: Excuse me, oneechans...(She hands P-chan to Kausmi. Then, she leaves the
scene. There are sounds of a tomboy walking on a wooden floor.)
Narrator: Uh...Akane? I mean, hey, what....Owe! Hey! Urk! (There's a cracking
sound. Akane returns holding one of her mallets with red paint all over one end.
Kasumi hands P-chan back to Akane.)
Akane: There. One dead Narrator. (I guess that wasn't paint.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! Must you really do that?
Akane: What else am I suppose to do? (They walk out into the front lawn. Kasumi
turns to the Panda that's sitting down, dressing in a secret service suit.)
Kasumi: Now, Mr. Panda, if you let anyone in while we're gone, we'll be having
Panda-steak fry for supper! (Mr. Panda nods in fear.) And especially Mrs. Tripp.
I don't want her around here.
Nabiki: I don't know, Kasumi. The last time she was here, I got valuable info
that Mr. Starr had to send over a couple of his male interns for...well, you
know what I mean. (Akane rolls his eyes. Kasumi gasps.) Nevermind.
Akane: You know the last panda we had for dinner? (Kasumi nods.) It tasted like
bamboo.
(The three girls leave. The scene switches to a different part of the forest
where Ranma-chan is looking around. She looks hungry.)
Ranma-chan: Hungry...hungry...hey! There's a house here. What for? Oh, yeah.
Where there's a house, there's usually food. So, I'll go and get some food!
(Ranma-chan "humms" as he looks at the house.) Maybe I'll also take their
clothes and sportscars while I'm at it. (Ranma-chan walks up to the house. He
sees the panda, asleep.) A panda...who in their right mind would have an
endangered species as a pet dressed up like Robert Downey Jr. of "U.S.
Marshall"? When I'm finished eating them out of house and home...I'm reporting
this to PETA and the ASCPA! (Ranma enters the house. She slips on the lineolieum
floor and slides through the red line and into the basket. A red light flashes
up.)
(Later, Ranma-chan enters the dining room. He looks at the three bowls of
porridge.)
Ranma-chan: Porridge?! Only tomboys wanting to lose weight and cheap bastards
would eat something like this! (Her stomache growls.) Oh, well. Beggars can't be
Republicans. (She eats the first bowl in one gulp. Stops. Her face turns
red...and fire comes out of her mouth! Ranma-chan slides over to the faucet and
drinks a lot of water. Her face looks chard.)
Ranma-chan: Man...that was too hot! Besides, who'd put red habanero peppers in
porridge, anyway? (She walks to the next bowl, and takes a stab at the porridge
with a spoon. The spoon breaks. She touches the porridge, she shivers.
Ranma-chan pulls out a jackhammer, and it breaks...the jackhammer, that is.) And
that one is way too cold and hard.
(She looks at the final bowl of porridge. It looks harmless. It seems to be just
right. Then she touches it, and the porridge attacks Ranma-chan!)
Ranma-chan: Yieeee! This porridge is a mean motherf-(Slap!) 
(The porridge Ranma-chan in the head and slams her into the refrigator. Ranma
fights back with some slaps, hits. Then the porridge from hell counter's with
Ranma's Chestnut Fist technique.)
Ranma-chan: Hey, that's MY move! That's it!!! (The porridge then forms two fists
and does Ranma-chan's Roaring Lion technique better than Ranma, herself, could
do. Everytime Ranma-chan tries to pull a technique, the porridge blocks it and
counters with another of Ranma's techniques. Finally after the porridge does all
of the Traditional Setting Tea fighting technques...)
Ranma-chan (who's limping on the ground): That's it! (She pulls out an AK-47 and
blasts the porridge as it moves all around the kitchen. The porridge dodges and
blocks the bullets with Ranma's Chestnut Fisting technque. However, not even the
porridge can outduel a machine gun, and it finally dies, with a flourish. She
pants, hard.) Man, I'm gonna have (puff, puff) to train harder.
(Ranma-chan takes the fighting porridge and pours it down the drain. We hear
sounds of aliens screaming. We pan around, and the kitchen is a total disaster.
The drain disintergrates. Ranma-chan yawns.)
Ranma-chan: Man, I'm bushed. I guess I could take a nap before I ran-sack the
place. I'd better go find out where's the bedrooms. (She leaves the kitchen, and
she slides on the lineoleum until she runs into the "you are here" map.) Oh. I
guess I should read this. (Ranma-chan reads the map.) Ah, master bedroom is this
way! Cool! (She slips and slides until she reaches a staircase. She then limps
upstairs.)
Narrator 2 (in a female voice): So, Ranma-chan hobbles up the stairs. Why did
she do that when the elevator is right next to the staircase, I'll never know.
Ranma-chan (to the camera): Shut-up! (She eventually gets to the top staircase
and look at three identical King-sized beds.) Geeze, you could put a No play on
the beds. Oh well, let's see what we got.
Narrator 2: Ranma-chan got into Kasumi's bed. (Ranma-chan leaps into Kasumi
beds, but freezes when she sees the cover.)
Ranma-chan: F-f-ffabio...naked? (From a high up shot, Kasumi's bed is nothing
but naked fabio shots on sheets.) Oh, my...(she gets a lot of nose-bleeds and
stuff like that...)
Narrator 2: After a while, Ranma-chan finally gets up and wanders to the
bathroom. (She does that. The bed looks like the entire La Blue Girl series and
Fiendish Overlord hentai flicks were present on Kasumi's bed back to back.
Spew.)
Ranma-chan's voice (from the bathroom): Ahhh...that's better. Man, who ever has
those Fabio bedsheets really needs to go see a shrink.
Narrator 2: Then, Ranma-chan tries Nabiki's bed.
(Ranma-chan leaps onto Nabiki's bed. There's a whump sound as Ranma-chan feels
her back crack.)
Ranma-chan (weakly): Ouch. (Ranma-chan slowly unveils the bed to find it's a
huge pile of jewels and cash.) I see that this girl has the dough. I guess she
won't mind if her mattress is missing. (Ranma-chan pulls out a bag and dumps the
block of jewelry into the sack.)
Narrator 2: Um, isn't that stealing? (Ranma-chan raises her head and sniffs.)
Ranma-chan: I consider this Democratic Welfare reform.
Narrator 2: Ookay. So, she finally gets to the final bed.
Ranma-chan: Let's see...(She uncovers the bed to find...a huge grey Totoro. A
smaller white Totoro serves as a pillow. Mokona is also there, ready to be
Akane's teddy.)...do they pay you?
Grey Totoro (sign): [It's a living.]
Ranma-chan: Do you mind?
White Totoro (sign): [As long as you don't snore,](flip) [wet on us, or talk]
(second sign) [about the Starr report in your sleep.]
Mokona: Pu!
Ranma-chan: Fair enough. (She gets into bed, and soon is fast asleep.)
Narrator 2: Time passes, and the Tendos return home! (There's a sound of a gun
shot.) Urk! (There the sound of a body dropping to the floor. Thud!)
(We see Akane holding a shotgun. She blows out the smoke.)
Kasumi: Now, that wasn't very nice to do that to the nice girl, Akane. (We see
Kasumi holding a bloodied ax.)
Akane (looks at Kasumi): And I suppose you'd enjoyed being that deranged killer
in "Urban Legends," too. (Kasumi shrugs her shoulders. She turns to see Nabiki
looking at her slides.) And what are you doing?
Nabiki: Hey, I'm looking at my latest catch.
Akane: I'm afraid to ask, but who is it this time?
Nabiki (smiling): I've got pictures of the entire Sailor Moon entourage in a
daisy chain! It's great!
Akane: Nabiki! (By this time, they've walked up through the front enterance.
Kasumi gasps.)
Kasumi: Nabiki, you really ought to stop taking indecent shots. (She glances at
one shot.) What's this one?  A campfire?
Nabiki: They're using Chibi-usa as a human sacrifice. It's amazing that she's a
virgin.
Akane: Sacrifice? What for?
Nabiki: I think it was to guarentee fertility. Either that or cursing the dubbed
Sailor Moon series. I can't remember which.
Akane: You know, I'm really concerned for both of you.
Kasumi: I wonder if I got selected to be Chucky's bride...
Akane: I don't even want to know.
(They get to the front door. They open it, and the hockey set looks messed up.
The three girls turn to see the Panda asleep.)
Kasumi: Oh, my...I guess we'll be having Stir-fry Panda steak for dinner
tonight. (The panda wakes up, as he hears Kasumi say, "Panda steak." Kasumi
grabs him and runs to the kitchen. The kitchen looks like World War III started
in her kitchen.) Oh, my! Someone has destroyed our kitchen! And someone as eaten
my porridge.
Nabiki: Someone has left a jackhammer on my porridge.
Akane (clutching onto P-chan): Someone has eaten my porridge!
Nabiki: You mean fought your porridge. Look, the sink has disintergrated.
Akane: Hmf.
Kasumi: Well...I suppose we should look around and see if...(P-chan snifs the
air.) P-chan? Do you smell something?
P-chan: Bwee! (He points towards the staircase.)
Akane: Are you sure?
Nabiki: Well, it's a good start. Whoever it was probably got real tired after
fighting with the thing. (Akane glares at Nabiki.)
Kasumi: Oneechans, stop that. Let's go upstairs. (They start going upstairs, but
bump into the Scooby-Doo gang. We hear Scooby-Doo music play now.)
Daphne: Jinkies...we've been inside this haunted house for hours now!
Nabiki: Um, it's our house!
Shaggy: Where's the kitchen?
Akane: Someone burned it down. We don't know who.
Shaggy: Zoinks! We've got to find out who burned down the kitchen.
Kasumi: Why don't we split up? Shaggy, you and Scooby...say, why hasn't Scooby
spoken? (The dog blushes.)
Fred: Scooby has a sore throat. He screamed too much after our last adventure in
Zombie Island. (Scooby nods.)
Nabiki: Oh. Well, how about if Daphne, Shaggy goes this way (points one
direction). Fred, you and Velma go this way. And we'll head this way (pointing
towards their bedroom).
Fred: That sounds groovy! Let's go gang! (They split up and leave.)
Akane: They'll be lost for years.
Nabiki: Dang cameos. (Anyway, they head on up to the Master Bedroom. They enter
inside, and the room is a mess.)
Kasumi: Oh, my...someone has made a mess on my Fabio sheets! (Nabiki and Akane
look wearily at Kasumi.)
Akane: Sis, you are mentally disturbing sometimes.
Kasumi: Oh what such mess! It smells like fish!
Nabiki: Kasumi! You tinkled before we left! (Kasumi blushed.)
Kasumi: But...but I thought...
Akane: Nevermind. Say, Nabiki, is your bed a little bit lower than usual?
Nabiki: What?! (She lifts the bed, the jewels are gone.) Someone has stolen my
mattress! Nooooo!
Kasumi: There, there...you can start building another mattress.
Akane: Sis, you can use a waterbed until then, right?
Nabiki (sobbing): I...suppose so...but my life is ruined! Ruined, I say! Ruined!
Akane: Nabiki...life will go on. It has to.
Nabiki: But, my money...is gone. And I'll never see all of those jewels ever
again.
Akane (rolling her eyes): Nevermind. (She looks at her bed, it looks rather
rumpled. She pulls away the cover sheets. There's a sleeping Grey Totoro.)
Hmm...someone has slept on my bed. (She looks up and sees Ranma-chan attached to
the roof.) And there she is!
Ranma-chan: Darn. Busted.
P-chan: Bwee! (P-chan leaps upward and bites Ranma-chan on her butt.)
Ranma-chan: Owwww! You stupid pig! (Ranma-chan falls on to the ground and runs
downstairs. The girls follow them, running.)
Kasumi (holding her axe): Oh, my! A thief!
Akane (holding her mallet): Come on, P-chan! Get that pervert!
Nabiki (holding a camera): Say...girl! Come back here! I've got at least three
rolls of film to take!
Ranma-chan (as she tries to swat P-chan away): Stop biting me, you stupid pig!
(Suddenly, she trips over a crying Panda on the slick wooden floor and she
starts to slide. The girls and Panda slip and slide along with Ranma-chan &
P-chan. They all land on a marble column. It breaks and falls over.)
P-chan (mumbling): Bwee... (Akane grabs P-chan.)
(They all untangle each other. Suddenly, there's a rumbling sound.)
Akane: Say...isn't the steaming hot jacuzzi room right above us?
Nabiki: The indoor one? Yeah...it is.
Kasumi: Oh...no...
(The ceiling breaks and a huge waterfall of hot water splashes on them. They all
scream. When the water subsides, Akane sees she's holding Ryouga; Ranma-chan is
now the boy Ranma and Mr. Panda is now Tsubasa.)
Tsubasa: Hey...what am I doing here?! I'm not a panda?!
Akane (screaming): You mean P-chan...the pig I've been sleeping with is actually
a boy!!!
Ranma: I'm a guy? I'm a guy!!!
Kasumi: Oh, my...my house, our house it's ruined!
Nabiki: Well, I'll have to talk to Lloyd's of London and see about this...(she
glances at Ryouga). You know, you look really cute when naked...and if I had
known that you were really a guy...(she smiles, Ryouga blushes.)
Akane: Nabiki!
Kasumi: And what am I, chopped liver? I guess, I'll have to take the cute
panda-boy.
Tsubasa (looks down): C-ccan I get some clothes?
Ryouga: Yeah...really.
Nabiki: Come on, P-chan. Let go up to the bedroom, and I'll find you some
suitable clothes. (She grins.)
Kasumi (to Tsubasa): Oh, my! You are really a mess...let's go to the bathroom.
(She drags the naked and blushing Tsubasa away.)
Akane: I can't believe my sisters. They're beyond...perverts. (She looks at
Ranma. He smiles.) By the way, did you like my porridge?
Ranma: Well, it knew all of my moves, I had to use a gun to subdue the sucker.
(He looks at himself.) And I'm still injured. (Akane touches Ranma.)
Akane: Well...oh, hell. I've hit the snooze button on my biological clock one
too many times anyway. Come on...I'll show ya Nabiki's stash of hentai mags! Are
you into lesbian stuff?(She drags Ranma away while he face-faults. Then Mokona
appears.)
Mokona: And everyone lives happily ever after. At least through the lemon-rated
sex. (He smiles.) Puu!
The end.
******
Whew! Sorry about the messy fic. This is what happens when you stop drinking
Coke cold turkey. I've been drinking a lot of water, and it has made my fanfics
seem very messy. Oh, well. Man...Coke withdrawl...ugh!