Matthew Lewis <maybeso@ican.net> wrote:

	Ranma mumbled something unintelligbly in his sleep, and

unintelligibly

	The main reason for Ranma's tone would be to the person who

This is ill-phrased. Try "tone was the person" instead.

	Happousai changed tack now, his voice coming down, becoming low
and sybilant. "Your father, now he's a true master of our style, or

I think that's spelled "sibilant."

	I dunno, the dialogue feels a little disjointed or something to
me, like Happi jumps around from point to point a little to
quickly. It is possible that he might do that, I suppose, since
he's not really given to explaining himself, and would be somewhat
unused to doing that....

I think the problem is that it's too talky... too much raw exposition.
Having more of Ranma's internal running commentary in the narration as
Happi makes his spiel would help, I think.

So, I've got probably 4 different stories for Soul of Ice, one for
Cologne's path (Thesis), one for Happi's (Antithesis), and two
others (Synthesis-- Broken, and Hypothesis).... At least, that's
how I see it.... 

What would be interesting would be to see what Ranma ends up doing...
maybe he'll sample both of their training, and they'll both try to win
him over.

The hot/cold distinction between Happi and Cologne is an interesting
one. I look forward to seeing where this leads.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics