ANIME DEATH MATCH
Inspired by MTV's Celebrity Death Match.
WARNING: Gratuitous Language and Extreme Violence will be depicted.
Don't watch if it makes you queasy.
===================================
[Scene: Two people sitting in a titanium tower overlooking a ring.
Thousands of fans are cheering or booing. The roar is continous,
though. We look to the two in the tower.]
?????: Welcome to Anime Death Match. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels. ?????, tonight's Anime Death Match
promises to be a big one. NERV's Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki vs. Soun
Tendo for the "The Best Second Fiddle in an Anime Series" title,
Chibi-Usa vs. Sasami for the "Cutest Little Girl in all of Anime",
Sophia from Battle Arena Toshinden vs. Mai Shiranui for the "Bounciest
Girl Ever".
?????: And don't forget our title match, Ranma Saotome vs. Hello Kitty
in a grudge match!
A-kun: Looks like the first match is ready. Let's go to the ring!
=====
[Scene: The Ring. Setsuna Meiou waited until both men neared the
center of the ring.]
Setsuna: Okay, you both agreed before the match to Anything Goes Fiddle
Fighting. You are not allow to attack your opponent unless it's with
your fiddle or while your fiddle is in contact with some part of you.
No kicking each other in the private parts. And may the best second
fiddle win. Now let's get it on!
[Setsuna leaps into the rafters. Soun charges Fuyutsuki, who dodges
his attacks and begins playing the opening to the 'Devil in the House of
the Rising Sun' (a good song if you can find it). Soun growls and
lunges at Fuyutsuki, who jumps over Soun. Soun rams into the corner
post that was behind Fuyutsuki he hadn't seen before he lunged. Soun
growls and lunges again, this time, swinging his fiddle. The tip of the
fiddle catches Fuyutsuki in the arm, numbing it.]
[Soun roundhouses Fuyutsuki, knocking him down and knocking his fiddle
out of his hand. Soun tries to strike Fuyutsuki while he was down, but
Fuyutsuki rolls out of the way and rolls so that his fiddle is within
his reach. As Soun charges again, Fuyutsuki mule-kicks Soun back into a
corner post. Fuyutsuki picks up his fiddle, screams like a madman as he
gets up and lunges at Soun. Soun cracks Fuyutsuki across the face and
slashes his razor-sharp bow at Fuyutsuki, who barely blocks with his
fiddle. Fuyutsuki and Soun pull their bows back and plunge them into
each other's throats, killing both instantly.]
Genma: SOOOOOUUUUN!!!
[Genma rushes into the ring to examine his fallen friend. Gendo enters
the ring to see if Fuyutsuki's still alive and going to use his special
status to suck funds from NERV so that he can be put into a plush room
or if he's really dead.]
Genma: BASTARD! This is all YOUR fault! [Genma lunges at Gendo, who
fails to see how he's connected to this incident.]
A-kun's VO: Well, I think it was a tie.
?????'s VO: Um, let's just go to the next match. The victims... er,
girls have been waiting for a while.
=====
[Scene: The Ring. Setsuna Meiou waited until both girls neared the
center of the ring.]
Setsuna: All right, I'm taking both Rolaids AND Tums. I want a good,
clean fight. And may the cutest anime girl win. [she leaps into the
rafters.]
Sasami: Are you sure you don't want to just forget about this?
Chibi-usa: Hell no!
Sasami: I warned you.
[Sasami suddenly pulls out a CZ-75, taken from Rally Vincent when she
wasn't looking, and fired six times and hitting Chibi-usa in the chest.
Chibi-usa fell dead to the mat.]
Sasami: I warned her. [blows the smoke from the barrel.] I've got a
perchant for guns.
Rally: [realizing her gun is missing] THAT'S MINE!
Sasami: Uh-oh!
[Sasami runs as Rally chases her out of the ring.]
A-kun's VO: Hoo boy, this is going to get ridiculous.
?????'s VO: Especially if Rally tries to take Sasami on. Well, let's go
to our next match. And while everyone else is watching that, you can
help me decide where I'm going to go on vacation.
A-kun's VO: <GROAN> Do I gotta, ????? ?
?????'s VO: Yes.
=====
[Scene: The Ring. Setsuna Meiou waited until both girls neared the
center of the ring.]
Setsuna: I don't wanna see any girl talk, I don't wanna see either of
you stop bouncing, and I especially don't want either of you to put on
any more clothes. I want a good clean fight and may the bouncier girl
win. [leaps into the rafters.]
[Mai and Sophia begin bouncing. Their eyes met. It was lust at first
sight. They eventually needed a lemon writer to finish the action so
they could get the girls out of the ring.]
=====
[Scene: The Tower. A-kun and ????? are looking over magazines.]
A-kun: Um, why did you EVER want to go to Delaware?
?????: No reason. I just thought that it has to be confirmed whether or
not Delaware is boring or not.
A-kun: Um, yeah. Oh, look. The next match.
=====
[Scene: The Ring. Setsuna Meiou waited until both combatants neared
the center of the ring.]
Setsuna: I don't wanna to see any pity, I wanna see either of you being
nice to the other and I wanna see blood before the match is over. Now,
let's get it on!
[Hello Kitty waves to Ranma as he powers up a Mouko Takabisha. He
releases the devastating attack before he realizes his mistake. Hello
Kitty suddenly bursts out of it's skin revealing the Ultra-Boomer HK-666
Hell Kitty. Hell Kitty jumps over the ki bolt and begins to go to town
on Ranma. Ranma is too terrified to summon another ki bolt and the Hell
Kitty seems to keep anticipating his attacks.]
[Ranma looks at the end of his rope. Suddenly a fog rolls into the
ring.]
A-kun's VO: WHAT THE HELL?!
[A blue-haired, sailor-suited warrior leaps into the ring as the fog
finishes covering the ring.]
?????'s VO: Hey, wasn't that Ami Mizuno who leapt into the ring?
A-kun's VO: That or John Walter Biles's Sailor Hammer.
[Suddenly, the sound of metal being moved in ways it wasn't meant to be
moved is heard. As soon as the fog clears, Ami and Ranma shake hands
over the torn and shredded remains of the Hell Kitty.]
?????'s VO: A _STUNNING_ victory!
Ranma and Ami: WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
=====
A-kun: A strange night, this one. I have to say that all these twisted
plots are going to drive me nuts soon.
?????: Easy, A-kun. Once I'm back, you can get your own vacation.
Anyway, I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels, saying "Good Fight"-
?????: And "Good Night"!
============================================================================
Well, this is the first episode of Anime Death Match.
Send all Suggestions of possible Fights, Comments and Criticism to:
akun16@hotmail.com
No Flames.
Flames will be deleted without being read.
A-kun:
Ex-Flamer, now reformed
Worshipper of Ukyou Kuonji
Novice Paladin at the Church of the One True Ucchan
Drooling fanboy of Makoto Kino, Mai Shiranui, Linna Yamazaki, Priss
Asagari, Sylia Stingray, Tifa Lockheart, Nene Romanova, Kasumi Tendo,
Nodoka Saotome, Ifurita (OVA), and Ami Mizuno
?????:
Worshipper of Nabiki Tendo
Moderator for combat
And often takes up this expression: O_o
Or this one: o_O
Or this one: O_O
Or this one: X_X
Or sometimes even this: XP-|-<
TharzZzDunN:
No reliable information available, but we have some interesting rumors
Rumor 1 - Really David Letterman.
Rumor 2 - Really REALLY David Letterman.
Rumor 3 - Licks Chickens.
Rumor 4 - Just Kidding.
Rumor 5 - Was Nabiki Tendo's plush toy Evangelion-Ryo-ohki.
Rumor 6 - Got lost for thirty years in the mountains of Kansas.
Rumor 7 - Was crowned Queen of Georgia.
Rumor 8 - Rumor 7 isn't a rumor.
Rumor 9 - Rumor 8 isn't a joke.
Rumor 10 - No, really, Rumor _9_ is true.
Rumor 11 - Was once caught in a bathtub having an affair with a new
squeak toy.
Rumor 12 - Found the 'Ark of the Covenant', traded it for some shiny
nukes.
Rumor 13 - There is no rumor 13, it's his lucky number :p Beedah!
Rumor 14 - Here's one for the gipper!
Parlor 15....uh-oh! He's infected your computer! Quick, burn it to
death, then bury the ashes in a ball of Daka and seal it into a
Protoculture Plant!
Rumor 1.6 - Thinks Keener lacks imagination and string cheese. "You
haven't got the spray canisters to take me on, Keener! You can't handle
MY special chili sauce LCL! Hugs and Kisses - TharzZzy"
Rumor 17 - Likes giving 'Special' massages to
Rumor 18 - Rumor 17 almost got us sued.
Rumor 19 - Taking on cheese is a gouda way to get your butt kicked.
Rumor 20 - That's just bad pun-ishment, A-kun.
Rumor 21 - We've secretly replaced The Eye of God with A-chan's Porno
collection on fire. Let's see if the people of El Hazard notice....
Nah, they're not that smart. *TWHAMGF*
Rumor 22 - There is no Rumor 22. It's TharzZzy's unlucky number.
Rumor 23 - We've also secretly replaced Shinji Ikari's LCL with
Folger's Crystals. Let's watch to see if he notices the difference....
"AAACCKK!! PHTOOOO! ACCKK! MISATO! ASUKA! REI! RITSUKO! SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO KILL ME BY MAKING ME DRINK LUKE WARM COFFEE!! With those cute
little marshmallows......Uh-oh.....Um, Misato, I gotta ask, are these
plug-suits equipped with an internal catheter?"
Rumor 24 - Voice Actor for Belldandy.
Rumor 0 - Made out of paper mache.
Rumor 00 - Damn, someone renumbered these wrong!
Until next time!
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