[Lights up on a living room... but not the usual living room.  Scott,
Yuu, and a dark-haired young girl are sitting on a couch.  The girl
smiles at the camera and speaks.]

Ibuki:  Hi!  Welcome to my home.  I'm Yagami Ibuki...

Scott:  And we're the People Not Appearing In This Fanfic.

Ibuki:  (sotto voce) This is kind of exciting...

Yuu:  Though recently, we're more like the People Not Reviewing Any
Fanfics.

Scott:  So summer kind of got in the way... we're back now. ^_^;

Yuu:  Normally, I'd point out that we're not quite "back" yet...

Scott:  Which you just did.

Yuu:  ...But, just this once, I'll refrain.  Since both Akane and
Madoka are absent, I take it it's a crossover?

Scott:  Got it in one.  This one's from "Belphera," and it's titled
"Summer Love."

Ibuki:  Then let's start!

[She snatches the Universal Remote, aims it at the television, and
presses a button...]

(Sweet melodies flowed through the air as the Auykawa Mansion was filled

Scott:  Ayukawa.

with the sounds of a graceful melody.

Yuu:  o/~ The mansions are alive... with the sound of music...

Through a window one could see a
beautiful young woman sitting in front of a piano. Her fingers moved
gracefully, gracefully gliding from key to key. With her eyes closed
she swept down the keys,

Scott:  Then she dusted and scrubbed down the keys.

the sounds of music flowed through every fiber
within her being. At the crescendo of her composition, a shrill ring
vibrated throughout the house.)

Ibuki:  A crescendo is a series of notes that gradually gets louder.
There can be more than one.  You probably mean something more similar
to "climax."

Madoka: (clenching her fists) Damn it! I hate it when this happens!
(Getting up she walks to the phone and presses the Talk button )
Hello?

Yuu:  Madoka usually isn't that temperamental.

Summer Love
  
A KOR and Ranma = Crossover
  
By Belphera
  
  
(Kyosuke Kasuga ESPer superman sat waiting at the San Francisco

Ibuki:  "Superman?"  Kyousuke?

Scott:  Well, if this is set after the novels... I mean, the guy can
cross into death and back at will, there.

Ibuki:  Oh.  (blinks) Good point.

International Airport. By his side was his lovely girlfriend Madoka
Auykawa, who was impatiently looking at her watch. Today was the day
that Madokas famous cousin came into town.

Yuu:  And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ranma.

He was reputed to be the
very best there was at Martial Arts, having defeated elders in many
Chinese societies.

Scott:  Okay... I guess Ranma's gotten a lot better, then.

Masters in legendary and well-known styles have
challenged and been defeated by his hand.

Ibuki:  Only one hand?

Yuu:  He defeated them with the other tied behind his back.

At the young age of twenty, he held at least a fourth dan or so in
nearly every style there was.)

Scott:  And in a number that he'd just made up.  By the way, this
style of narration really doesn't work for me.  You start with
Madoka's action, then switch to a third-person omniscient overview of
Ranma.  The part about fourth dans and martial arts and such feel like
an interruption to the story.

(However, his personal life was another matter, having a multitude of
relationship problems. His mother and himself were coming to America.

Ibuki:  "His mother and he"

Hoping to clear his mind and finally putting an end to his
relationship problems.)

Yuu:  This sentence.  Fragment.  Also, it's a sloppy way to introduce
backstory... if that's what Ranma's hoping to do, show us that through
his words and actions.  Don't tell us through an omniscient narrator.

Madoka: He should have been here by now!

Scott:  Awfully impatient for Madoka, unless the flight's more than
half an hour to an hour late.

Kyosuke: Madoka settle down, maybe they were delayed or something.

Ibuki:  Comma after Madoka.

Yuu:  And since they're calling each other by their personal names,
the KOR part does take place after ShinKOR.  "Superman" might be
accurate, then.

Madoka: I know, its just that I havent seen him for a long time. And
we were really close to each other, however since we lived so far apart
and he was always travelling, we couldnt contact each other too much.

Scott:  (blinks) Err... then they couldn't have been "really close to
each other."  Unless it was before Ranma started travelling, in which
case that should be made more clear.

Ibuki:  (nods) Also, the comma before "however" should be a semicolon,
and there should be a comma after "however."

Scott:  What are you, the Grammar Patrol?

Ibuki:  We all have our talents. ^_^

Scott:  Quite.  Anyway, the phrase "we couldn't contact each other too
much" doesn't sound natural.

Then with his fame and challenges, he told me he didnt want me to be
involved, just incase someone decided to kidnap me to get to him.

Yuu:  This needs a rewrite.  At the very least, "in case" are two
words, and there should be a comma after "Then."  I would split this
into two sentences, though.

Kyosuke: how long has it been since youve talked with him?

Ibuki:  Capitalize.

Madoka: Oh I guess around four years. (Suddenly there was a rush of
people hurrying towards a gate.)

Scott:  Comma after oh.  And the parenthetical should be placed on a
separate line, to make it easier to read.

Yuu:  Also, four years would be around the time of the end of the
Ranma manga, if Ranma is now 20.  I'm guessing it would also be after
the KOR manga, but before ShinKOR.  A meeting then seems somewhat
unlikely, considering how hectic Ranma and Madoka's lives were at the
time.

Kyosuke: Hey whats going on?

Ibuki:  Comma after "hey" and all other introductory interjections.

Madoka: I dont know!
  
Kyosuke: Here you stay here I want to check it out, just in case
its something worth taking a picture of.

Scott:  Strike that first "here."  And I'd forget the explanation; it
sounds forced.  Just end after "out."

Madoka: Okay try to hurry back!

(With that, Kyosuke rushed off, camera in hand. At the gate, he saw
many girls crowding around something. There were also many
photographers gathered around.)
  
Kyosuke: Hey whats going on?
  
Girl1: Oh didnt you hear? That super hot buy from Japan is coming
here!

Yuu:  I know import Playstation games are popular, but that's
ridiculous.

Ibuki:  He meant "guy."

Kyosuke: huh?

Scott:  Yep, that's Kyousuke.

Girl2: Dont you watch any TV? Ranma! Oh hes such a cutey!
  
Kyosuke: Ranma? As in Ranma Saotome? Martial Arts expert?

Yuu:  (Girl1) What, you think there are two sets of parents demented
enough to name their child "Ranma?"

Both girls: Yeah! (Wading out of the crowd, he rushed back to the
gate Madoka was waiting at.)

Scott:  Always, always, separate the narrative parentheticals.  Also,
I'm not sure why I haven't noticed before now, but past tense sounds
strange in script format narrative.  Leave that to prose.

Kyosuke: Madoka!
  
Madoka: What?
  
Kyosuke: your cousin, hes at another gate!

Ibuki:  Capitalize.

Madoka: What? Hmm Thats strange, Well lets go meet
him. (Racing off, she ran as quickly as one could in heels. Reaching
the gate, she saw the swamp of people. Pushing through the crowd,
she finally got the front. That was when a security guard stopped
her.)

Yuu:  Is there a reason for this gate confusion?  If not, it's
needlessly complicated.  Just put the horde of girls and cameras with
Kyousuke and Madoka, and eliminate the running around.

SG: Im sorry miss, no passing this fence, Mr. Saotome is waiting
for someone.

Ibuki:  This should be two sentences.

Madoka: (gritting her teeth) Im his cousin.

Scott:  (Madoka) And I'm particularly irritable today for no apparent
reason.

SG: Sure you are. Now please step back. (Kyosuke, came up behind
Madoka and looked at her with a questioning look.)
  
Kyosuke: Why arent they letting you through?

Yuu:  (Madoka) I don't know.  Do you think I should have checked my
bazooka?

Madoka: They dont believe Im his cousin. How am I going to get
his attention?
  
Kyosuke: Hmmm. (Using his ESPer powers, he calls out to Ranma.
Ranma, who was talking to some two girls and an older woman, sensed

Ibuki:  Either "some girls" or "two girls," not both.

something and looked over towards Madoka.)

Scott:  Whoa.  Kyousuke isn't a very strong telepath.  The closest
he's been able to come is to tangentially contact Kazuya, who -is- a
strong telepath.

Ranma: Madoka! (Rushing over to Madoka, he quickly plucks her out of
the crowd and embraces her ina fierce hug.) Oh man, Ive missed
you!

Ibuki:  The parenthetical here is okay, since it's describing Ranma's
action, but why is it in present tense if the others are past?  Pick
one and stick with it.  Also, "in a" are two words.

Madoka: (breathlessly) Ranma.. I need to breath.

Yuu:  Breathe.  And considering what she's saying, you probably don't
need that (breathlessly) in there.

Ranma: huh? Oh. Hey Madoka! You look really good.

Ibuki:  Capitalization, and comma after "hey."

Madoka: (with a mischievous smile) Now is that a come on?

Scott:  Comma after "now."

Ranma: Hey! Dont joke around like that! (Nearby Kyosukes being
crushed by several dozen girls trying to get through.

Yuu:  (Kyousuke) Oh, no... not again...

[Ibuki blinks.]

Scott:  Inside joke for KOR.  Don't worry about it.

Ranma glances over to Kyosuke, with a lightning fast grab, he hauls
Kyosuke out of the crowd.)

Ibuki:  Two sentences.

Madoka: Kyosuke!
  
Ranma: hey man, you must be Kyosuke,

Yuu:  Oh, Ranma is quick.

the ESPer guy right?

Kyosuke: Huh? How did you know?

Scott:  (Ranma) It's that "ESPer superman" T-shirt you're wearing.
   

Ranma: Heh, you think I havent met ESPers before?

Ibuki:  But how did he know the difference on sight?  ESPers are
essentially human.

Oh and dont touch my
mind for anything, even if you mean well, cause Ive already set up
extremely strong defenses.

Yuu:  (Kyousuke) Better change your batteries, then.  I just contacted
your mind two paragraphs ago, and I'm not even telepathic.

Madoka: Well, lets get out of here.
  
(Sitting in the seat of the limo that was rented by Ranmas business
associate, Madoka stared at her cousin. He had changed a lot, but that
little boy spirit was still in him. But he had grown in a beautiful
male.

Scott:  "Into."  He had grown "into" a beautiful male.

Yuu:  Not that we have anything against shounen-ai...

He was a few inches taller than her, his frame was nicely built
and perfectly proportioned. But underneath all that she could see
pain, happiness, and frustration in his eyes.)

Ibuki:  o/~ One of these things is not like the other, one of these
things is not the same...

Madoka: So Ranma, arent you going to introduce me to these young
women?

Scott:  (Ranma) Sure.  This is Girl1, and that's Girl2 over there.
They're crazy about me.

Ranma: yeah well you know mom.

Yuu:  punctuation and capitalization missing sentence doesn't scan.

Madoka: Auntie? Wow, you still look so young!

Ibuki:  (Madoka) You're not dead yet!

Nodoka: Madoka-chan, its so nice to see you again! How is my
sister?
  
Madoka: Well, moms up in Seattle with father. She plays first
violin for the Seattle Philnarmonic Symphony.

Scott:  Not to be confused with the Seattle Philharmonic Symphony.

Nodoka: Fantastic, she had told me about that. So why are you not in
Seattle?

Yuu:  Why do you not use contractions?  Do you not think you sound too
formal?

Madoka: Oh! Well, you see, with my career mom and dad bought a house

Scott:  They bought a house with Madoka's career?  Now that sounds...

Ibuki:  Ecchi.

Scott:  Exactly.

Ibuki:  But -I- wasn't talking about the sentence.

down by the Bay Area, this way I could communicate with my contacts
easier.

Yuu:  More easily.

Nodoka: We must visit them while we are in America.
  
Ranma: Say Maachan is there a lot of room up in Seattle?

Scott:  Maachan?  (twitches)

Ibuki:  I suppose they were childhood friends, then.  But how come
Ranma switched from calling her "Madoka" before to "Maachan" now?

Madoka: yes Theres a lot of open space, why?
  
Ranma: Well, the rest of the gang will be coming here,

Yuu:  (Ranma) So say goodbye to your house.

and Well need lots of space. Nabiki?

Ibuki:  (Nabiki) <yawn> Oh, sorry, I dozed off.  You're finally going
to get around to introducing me?

Scott:  Hey, at least it's in character for Ranma to be that rude and
thoughtless.

Nabiki: yeah?
  
Ranma: Can you find a suitable house up there and around here?
  
Nabiki: you mean a place that would have the least property damage

Yuu:  (Ranma) Not after we're through with it...

and not attract as much attention?

Ranma: you got it.
  
Nabiki: No problem, Ranma-baby.

Ibuki:  (blinks) This is... different.

(Seeing the banter between the two companions, she looked to Ranma.)

Scott:  Use "Madoka" instead of "she," or it sounds like you're
talking about Nabiki, since she was the last female speaker.

Madoka: Um Ranma? Is she one of your.um interests?
  
Ranma and Nabiki: No!
  
Ranma: Nabiki manages whatever money comes that way. Shes a very
good friend.
  
Nabiki: Besides, I dont mix business with pleasure. Not that Ranma
isnt a nice piece of beef there.
  
Ranma: Nabiki.
  
Nabiki: just kidding!
  
Madoka: (looking to the last girl with dark. Rich, red hair, and
with a body and face most women would kill for.) So who is this?

Yuu:  Random capitalization and punctuation is not an improvement over
nonexistant capitalization and punctuation.  Rewrite that description.

Nodoka: Why Madoka, this is Ranko, my daughter.
  
Madoka: huh?

Ibuki:  Huh?

Scott:  Huh?

Yuu:  Okay, I didn't see that one coming...

Scott:  (sighs) Why do I get the strange feeling that Akane is dead?

Ranma: Its a long story, Ill tell you when we get to your house.
  
Madoka: Is there something wrong, Ranko?
  
Ranko: Its not fair..
  
Madoka: whats not fair?
  
Ranma: Ranko, wait just a little longer. I know it hurts, but just a
little longer.
  
Ranko: (sigh) alright.

Ibuki:  All right.  Two words.

(Sitting in Madokas Mansion, they all enjoyed a cup of tea as they
sat and chat. Madoka simply had a hard time to believe that her

Ibuki:  Believing.

young and naove cousin had so many women hanging on him. But then

Ibuki:  Naive.

again, if they werent related shed be all over him.)

Scott:  (rolls his eyes) And if she hadn't already been in love with
Kyousuke for over half her life, of course.  You didn't forget that
whole "destined love" thing, right?  Right?

Madoka: So what is it that you have to explain?
  
Ranma: Well.. You know how Pop, took me on a long training trip?
  
Madoka: Yes, You wrote to me on the trip. Why?
  
Ranma: um.
  
Nodoka: Ranma had an accident. His father lead him to an ancient
training ground. There, Ranma and Genma both received a curse. Ranma
was cursed to turn into a woman when splashed with cold water, and
Genma turns into a panda.
  
Madoka: (eyes widening) you mean that Ranma turns into a girl?
  
Kyosuke: (splashes Ranma with a glass of cold water) Hey you didnt
change!

Yuu:  So Kyousuke is still here.  I was beginning to wonder.

Ranma: (annoyed) Well, I got a kind of cure, I went to the Drowned
springs in jusenkyo and tried to find the spring of the drowned man,
but I was lucky and found out that if I jumped in, then would
basically be a hemaphrodite.

Ibuki:  Jusenkyo, capital J, and hermaphrodite.

Scott:  And he wouldn't have been, in the canon, but we can ignore
that.

Madoka: Then what did you do?
  
Ranko: (speaking up for the first time) He splashed himself with the
spring of the Drowned twins, then with permanent water and that was
how I was born.

Yuu:  Fanfic convention #74.

Madoka: Does that mean that you are Ranma too?
  
Ranko: Kinda, you see, while I still retain certain portions of
Ranmas memory and personality, I have am a new person.

Scott:  "Have am."  Grammar evidently isn't one of the portions she
retained.

Ibuki:  Have you seen Ranma's grammar?

Scott:  (pauses) Point.  Still, it wasn't -that- bad...

I only remember a few things from childhood, like Mom, you, Ryouga,
and Cat-fist. Im still really into martial arts like bro. And
Were almost the same, except hes a bit better than me. But hes
got a big attitude problem and likes to hit on girls and is
indecisive. Whereas Im all woman and no trace of his macho
attitude.

Yuu:  (Ranko) Conveniently, I'm free of all desire to be male, and
also free of the associated angst.

Scott:  Must have been the Spring of Drowned Twins with Multiple
Personality Disorder.

Ranma: Hey! I dont have that much of an attitude!
  
Madoka: (slumping into her chair) This is unbelievable. How is
something like this possible?

Ibuki:  (Ranma) Hey, you're the one with the telekinetic boyfriend.

Ranma: When Pop gets here, well demonstrate the Jusenkyo Curses.

Ibuki:  No need to capitalize curses.

Madoka: When is Uncle coming?
  
Ranma: Hell be arriving in a week with the rest of my friends.

Scott:  (Madoka) If he's engaged me again, I'll kill him.

Kyosuke: These wouldnt be those friends that causes Japan numerous
amounts of property damage would it?

Yuu:  Quick!  Call the script doctor!  We've got a sentence in
critical condition here!

Ranma: Yeah, but weve all gotten much better. Besides most of us
have jobs.

Ibuki:  (Ranma) So we can pay for the damage.

Madoka: You all must be tired from your trip, why dont you all go
get some rest? Well all go into town later in the day.

Scott:  (Madoka) I'm tired of this scene.  Everyone go away so I can
transition to the next.  (himself) Again, I recommend a rewrite.
Expand the scene until it ends more naturally.

(Sitting down at her piano, Madoka let out a breath of relief. Her
cousin lived such a hectic life, in the letters, he had told her
everything, but it was still so hard to accept his curse and now his
cure. Then there were his love interests. As far as she had been told
there were five women that Ranma cared about too much to say no to.

Yuu:  He's up to five now?

Scott:  By the way, why is the narration here limited to Madoka's
perspective?  It was omniscient before.  It's a little awkward to mix
and match.

But he simply didnt know which one he loved more. Unfortunately
Japan would not allow him to have multiple wives.

Ibuki:  "Unfortunately?"  Oh, dear, it looks like Ranma's lost what
little moral fiber he had.

Slowly she moved her fingers
across the piano stroking the keys softly.)
  
Ranma: I know this must be really hard for you.

Yuu:  Wow, he's good.  Didn't even see him coming.

Madoka: Dont worry about me, Ill adjust. Its just that reading
about it and seeing you talk about it seems to be so much more
different.

Ibuki:  No need for "more."

Ranma: I understand (looking at Madokas piano) did you write that
piece yourself?

Scott:  Two sentences.

Madoka: (looking down at her hands) Yes, it is for a very special
person.
  
Ranma: Kyosuke?
  
Madoka: (smiling) No, its a she. She was my best friend, but
because we both love Kyosuke, she felt that three was company, so
she went to New York.

Scott:  Wait a minute... we've established that this is after ShinKOR,
so Madoka and Hikaru have mended that rift...  I'd be surprised if she
didn't mention the reconciliation.

Ranma: you know, I think I may be rubbing off on you. All my cousins
seem to have relationship troubles.

Yuu:  Ironically, Madoka's troubles pre-date Ranma's... but of course
he wouldn't know that.

Madoka: Yeah I know, Tenchi told me about his predicament. I dont
know whos worse, you or him.

Ibuki:  Ranma.  At least Tenchi isn't actively trying to lead them all
on...

Ranma: So what was your best friends name?
  
Madoka: Hikaru.
  
Ranma: Here play it again. It sounds nice. (Madoka closes her eyes
and glides her delicate fingers across the ivory keys. A sad but
hopeful tune emerges from the piano. For seven long minutes the
piano wept and smiled, until finally ended with a whisper of hope.)

Ibuki:  Grammar check again.  You're missing a word or two, and it
diminishes the impact.

Madoka: (unshed tears in her eyes) Oh Hikaru.
  
Ranma: (feeling saddened) I thought you only wrote and played jazz.
  
Madoka: Things change when you need to make a living.

Scott:  And before then, too.  Madoka's done neo-classical and, at
least in the anime, rock.

Ranma: Yeah I get you.
  
Madoka: (curiously) Say do you still play?
  
Ranma: (Smiling again) Aww man, I havent played in over ten years,
Im not that good at it.

Madoka: (Encouragingly) But you had so much talent when you were
younger.
  
Ranma: Yeah, well things change a lot. (seeming a bit downcast.)

Yuu:  Ranma as a musician.  Hmm.  That's hard to picture.

Madoka: Ranma, so much has gone on in your life in the last four
years.  Tell me about it.

Ranma: (drawing in a deep breath.) Lets go for a walk.
  
(Kyosuke walked down the hall towards the front door of the house when
he noticed Ranma and Madoka going out, arms linked. Gritting his teeth,
Kyosuke repeated to himself that Madoka just wanted to spend some more
time with a loved one. But somehow he felt threatened by Ranma, probably
because so many women adored him.

Scott:  I see now.  Kyousuke's role in this is to get jealous.

Yuu:  Ranma's is to get the girls.

Ibuki:  And Madoka's is to get Ranma to give the reader ten pages of
sloppy exposition as backstory.  Let's cut some of this...

[Ibuki fast-forwards a bit.]

Ranma: Madoka you know about Akane right?
  
Madoka: you mean that girl that your father and his friend engaged
you to?
  
Ranma: Yeah, I loved her very much. She was my entire reason for
living, until she died.

Scott:  I knew it.  (sighs)

Yuu:  Is it just me, or is "she was my entire reason for living, until
she died," an unintentionally hilarious statement?

Madoka: (looks up at Ranma) What happened?
  
Ranma: Well, my master was a perverted panty thief and very old. But in
truth he had merged with a demon lord in hopes of preventing the demon
from being let loose into the dimension. However, the demon Lord began
to awaken and started to try and break free. Luckily several gods,
Tenchi and his friends appeared. Together with Tenchis powers, my
powers, my masters powers, ancient Chinese legends, and several of the
gods and goddesses we destroyed the demon lord and the demons under him.

Ibuki:  This sounds like a much more interesting story than the one
you're telling.

Scott:  Actually, it sounds like "Together Again" to me...

Unfortunately, we had heavy casualties. Four gods died, Herb, Ryu, Taro,
Toma, Shinnosuke, Mousse, all of them were my friends, they all died.

Yuu:  Herb, Ryuu, and Tarou were Ranma's -friends-?  I'd like to see
the story behind that; I'm sure it would be interesting, considering
how they hated each other.

[Fast-forward.]

Ranma: (Joining her and his voice shaking) Akane was injured during the
fight, because the Demon Lord wanted to kill Akane to try and get me out
of the fight. But She was wounded badly. Both her and Kanako might have
died because of her wound. But Akane managed to channel her chi to
Kanako. Not having enough for herself, she died. All in one moment I had
the life of a child whom I love with all my heart, and the corpse of the
woman who I gave my heart to. (Tears threatening to pour from his eyes.)

Ibuki:  Ranma's a father? O_O

Madoka: (Drawing Ranma to her chest, she holds him) Oh Ranma, what has
happened to you? When I knew you, you didnt have a care in the world.
But now you grew up and the world is catching up with you.

Scott:  And Madoka is unusually melodramatic.

Ranma: (Standing up) But in time, I had my art and I tried to find a
way to revive Akane. My friends traveled with me. We became very good
friends. We met a lot of interesting people. And due to our travels,
we have become so well known.

Yuu:  I want to read -that- story.  It looks much more interesting
than this one, frankly.

[Ibuki nods, and fast-forwards again.]

Ranma: (Sadly) No, but I gained the ability to talk with her. It was
in the last battle I fought against a man who said he was the
embodiment of Sheng Long.  Akane came to me. She told me that she
was happy. She was living with her mother and father now.

Ibuki:  Soun too?  Dead people all over the place...

But she could not rest easy knowing that I was not happy and that
Kanako was motherless, because I didnt want to fall in love
again. So she told me to love another. And thats why there are
five women who I truly love very much.

Scott:  (Ranma) Because I figured, if she thought one was good, then
five would be five times as good...

Yuu:  (Ranma) Because I have left, at long last, no sense of decency.

Madoka: Are you going to choose?

Ibuki:  I'd expect her to slap him, after that "five women" remark.
Madoka is kind of sensitive about that, after all.

[Fast-forward]

Madoka: You have good reasons for loving each of them. Maybe you can
find a way out of this problem.

Scott:  I thought that entire section was very poorly written, but
this takes the cake.  It's OOC for manga Madoka, and next to
impossible for anime Madoka.  At the very least, she should be
encouraging him to choose -one-.

Ranma: I know, theyve all been very supportive and I love each and
everyone of them equally.
  
(Somewhere in Manhattan.)
  
(A beautiful young woman sits on her couch reading a letter that was

Ibuki:  Is it just me, or is everyone in this fanfic "beautiful?"

Yuu:  A different adjective now and then wouldn't hurt, true, but...
well, they all -are-.

just sent to her. A giant smile then breaks out as she congratulates
herself.)
  
Hikaru: Yes! They want me to audition for the part! (Rushing off to her
room, she begins to pack, her plane would be leaving by the end of this
week. So many things to do. This was something that could really boost
her career. This movie was a pretty large scale movie with some pretty
big stars, but most of all it was starring this really popular guy. She
had seen a few photos of him in the newspaper, he was really cute, a man
women dream about,

Scott:  Why is every woman in the fic, including Madoka, fixated on
Ranma just because of his looks?  Shouldn't one or two at least be
repulsed by his stringing along five fiancees?

but he had five women who claimed to be his fiances.
She had no chance with him. Oh well. Suddenly the phone rings.)

Yuu:  Mixing the in-character thoughts with the narration here doesn't
work very well.  Try rewriting in either the limited or the
omniscient.

Hikaru: Hello?
  
Person on phone: Miss Hiyanama?

Ibuki:  Unless she's using a stage name, that's Hiyama.

Hikaru: Yes?
  
Person on phone: My name is Nabiki, I am contacting all possible
actors and actresses for the movie Day of Destiny

Scott:  And I'd think Nabiki would introduce herself as "Nabiki
Tendou," if she's at all interested in sounding professional.

Hikaru: Right, I just read the letter.
  
Nabiki: Well all auditioning actresses and actors will be staying at
the Saotome Mansion. When you arrive on Saturday night we will have
someone to meet you.

Ibuki:  "We will have someone meet you."

Hikaru: How many actresses are auditioning?
  
Nabiki: Weve narrowed it down to five actresses.

Yuu:  This seems odd.  Hikaru is a stage actress based in New York.
The transition to films in Hollywood has been made by others, but I
have to wonder why she was chosen over the actresses who were more
easily available.  Was she the lead in a big show lately, maybe an
award winner?

Hikaru: Why are we staying at a mansion?
  
Nabiki: Mr. Saotome wants to meet all actors and actresses one on
one.  Also the mansion is closer to the set. I must be going now.
  
Hikaru: Of course, And thank you for choosing me.
  
Nabiki: Your Welcome.

Ibuki:  Watch the capitalizaton in these few lines.

(Hanging up the phone, Hikaru felt the excitement well up in
her. Making a list of things she had to do and pack before she left,
she wondered what kind of a man this Ranma Saotome was.)

Scott:  And that's it for chapter 1.  Overall thoughts... first of
all, proofread.  There are a ton of mistakes in capitalization,
grammar, and punctuation in this fic -- we didn't highlight all of
them, either.

Yuu:  Second, characterization.  Kyousuke is IC but inconsequential.
Madoka is pretty consistently OOC.  Ranma comes off looking like a
complete jerk, but I can't say that's not IC...  On the positive side,
Nabiki mostly comes off well, and so does Hikaru.  I'm not sure about
Ranko; there's not enough to go on, yet, since her personality is
supposed to be different from Ranma's.

Ibuki:  Third, timeline.  You've pinpointed when in Ranma this takes
place, but you need to pin down KOR.  Is it before or after ShinKOR?

Yuu:  Aside from that, there are some other details, such as the
extent of Kyousuke's powers, and the reason why Ranma, a non-ESPer,
can mentally shield himself so well (supposedly).  This really needs
to be cleared up.

Scott:  One last note... I can see that you might have something here.
But so far, the main story is coming off as bland and uninteresting
compared to the backstory.  If you choose to continue writing this, I
think a complete rewrite of this chapter would be a good place to
start.  Get the narrative voice straight, and shift the emphasis off
the backstory and onto the "real" story -- you can continue to fill in
the backstory in future chapters.

Ibuki:  Take your time, too; some of this chapter seemed too rushed.
Instead of summarizing, or telling the reader what happened and what
the characters did, describe and show.  It feels disconnected when it
should be vital.  There's no sense of excitement to anything here;
things just seem to happen because the story has to progress.  The
characters don't feel alive.

Scott:  It does have a rushed look to it, but a good revision could
salvage it.  I recommend rereading some of the KOR manga, or watching
some of the anime, first.  On the other hand, you might be better off
forgetting about this story and writing the Ranma/Tenchi/various gods
crossover that you used as backstory here.

Yuu:  If you already have written it, and this fic is meant as a
sequel, then you should note that and let the readers know where the
previous fic can be found.  Oh, and you should include a disclaimer.
It's always nice to credit the creators of the series.

Scott:  I guess this is a pretty harsh review.  I hope you don't take
it the wrong way, because I can see potential here -- but in its
current form, this fic is fairly poor quality.  It needs work.

Ibuki:  And with that... good night.

[Ibuki points the remote at the camera and presses a button.  All goes
dark.]



Scott Schimmel                http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~schimmel/
Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;  "You really aren't normal, are you?"
ex luce ad tenebras.              -- Miki Koishikawa