Hi People because this is going out to multiple people you get the
beginning
of this message.
Anyways I found that it was funny and true in someways and as I needed a
good laugh this morning I send you all this. Enjoy! And if you don't like
them tell me and I won't send you anymore that I get. I got this and the
mailing list this morning from a freind.

Brad Crawford lurker in Absentia
ranko@v-wave.com

<jedijoke@jedihawk.net>

Subject: [JOKE]  Men and Women: The Differences

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Men and Women: The Differences And the Anime version.
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NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!  After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these

facts

have emerged:

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he

refers

to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular

basis".

In Anime this almost always involves several people who compete for a
single person. Any of the rivals may be concidered "Boy/Girl friends.
[Occasionally both.]

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". 

Then

she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the

break-up,

at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted

to

let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate

you,

and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's always a

chance

for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone

call,

that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community

colleges

that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.

In Anime the only way to break up peacefully is if someone dies. If not
your Ex will join an evil orginization and try to kill you later in life.
Sometimes this can be useful as they will usually have a change of heart
and turn on their evil master. All this really acomplishes is their death
and maybe a momentary distraction for the villan.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the

foreplay.

Males in Anime will lick every inch of you if they are a villan. Heroic
people are often shy and unsure of your relation ship. Women must often
take the initiative.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can

function
as

adults.

	In anime Women often begin killing evil youma and growing
exessively large breast as early as Fourteen. 
	Often they simply run away screeching in sailor school uniforms
from evil monsters so they can swoon over the exessively handsome male
lead, and annoy the love interest.

  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving

each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances

rarely

work.

	In anime Males usually don't discover their powers till around
age sixteen. Even after a lifetime of training they still peak at around
this age. Most destinies are met durring these troublesome years. Most
often they end up marrying whom ever happens to survive this period with
them. Usually a high school sweetheart who must be constantly rescued.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers.  She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic

bag
>from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.

Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under

her

desk.  A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

	In Anime, attractive older females always wear high heels. Males
are and normal looking girls pretty much into very simple shoes that are
either black or brown. A female lead in school uniform will wear simple
shoes as well. One exception to these rules are Magical girl Anime. These
girls almost always wear boots of some kind.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing

the

dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear them any time she
wants.  A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the

"Gimme

the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

	In Anime only Martial artist and women doing areobics may wear
leg warmers. Villans are also exempt from any form of dress code.

Cats:
Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,

men

kick cats.

	In Anime Men occasionaly fear cats. Either that or they simply
become attracted to them when they turn into attractive humanoid forms.
Sometimes humanoid cats will destroy large areas in battles with Mecha.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.  Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface-mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

	The same rings true for anime. Although caution is advised when
dealing with Mirrors of any kind in Anime. They often have magical
properties or are the doorway to other worlds. Often worlds with evil and
naughty tenticles.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.  Men

use

garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages, and they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

	In Anime, people who own garages Keep monsters or dimetional
shifting devices in them.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".  For men, it's when

Jimmy

Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

	In Anime movies are always parodies of films other studios are
producing. You should never take a date to one because your evil rivals
will always make trouble either after or durring the film.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with wearing

one

ring, and that's it.  Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge
singer named Vic.

	In Anime Villans often wear jewelry. Girls with rings or other
jewelry of any kind, with the exeption of earrings, are always secret
protecters of justice.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of

complicated

emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree

of

the changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and

leather

driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

	In Anime Menopause causes people to shrink to about two feet
high.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They use the telephone

to

send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her girlfriend

for

two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and

they

will talk for three hours.

	In Anime telephones are more than a way to transmit voice
messages. You may also hit a stupid person or send evil monsters to their
home through the phone lines.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. 

One

of the fighters is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee, that

must

hurt."  The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

	In anime a low blow is a common way for a female to react to any
insult by a male. It is also a comedic way for a female heroine to
dispatch with an anoying second rate villan.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar

surroundings,

she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men consider

this
to

be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men
will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,

"Looks

like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the
neighborhood.  I recognize that White Hen store".

	In Anime men will often ask for directions and ignore of forget
them moments later.

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who admitted

that

he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

	In Anime, real men do not appologise. They wallow and look
pathetic until the woman takes pitty on them and forgives them.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.

	In Anime, people don't know who the hell Richard Gere is.

Offspring:
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

	In Anime children are a way for villans to be defeated because
their offspring always see the light in the end and join the hero.
Usually because she wants him.
	Hero's children are concidered 'Heirs to the school' so to speak.
Often they become killed so the hero can become angst ridden and seek
revenge.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage

answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.

	In Anime any tomboy who dresses up will become amazingly
attractive and the hero will stare at her in disbleif. Unattractive
people will just look stupid. Villans who dress up wear as little as
possible, but still enough to be considered dressed up.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This

is

because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a

*man*.

The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

	In Anime there is no such thing as a phallus. [In most cases.]
Only mysteriously invisible rods with spit covering them. Men and women
have absoulutely no body hair of any kind.
	Breast will also exspand as much as three times their normal size
when uncovered.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

	In Anime people only watch cheezy soap operas and Bad cutesy pop
videos with occasional story relevant news cast.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4,000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end

up

taking better pictures.

	In Anime high school boys will take photos of girls in
compromising possitions and sell them to their friends. Occasionally
girls with no social concience will also do this.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things

such

as voting.  Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to

campaign

for them and cry on election night.

	In Anime polotics always involve global plots to take over the
world. It's best to avoid the subject.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and

women.

They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as

they

think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.  Women talk about

one

thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either.  They

are

extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

	In Anime girls run away from perverts and are tormented by
peeping toms, disguised males, and pantie thieves. Male locker rooms are
pretty much the same.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and

take

his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

	In Anime the kindly female that no one would think of ever
bringing harm to does all the house chores.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men

talk

about "the bachelor party".

	In Anime weddings are always destroyed and crashed. Often the
bride is abducted by an evil villan. Chaos always occurs at these
gatherings.

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.  Male
cheerleaders are scary.

	In Anime, all cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women

wear

strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of

clouds
on

them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

	Girls do not wear socks in anime. Only stockings. Well that isn't
entirely true, they wear anke socks with their uniforms...

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age of

11
or

12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with

toys.

As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and

impractical.

Examples of men's toys:  little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated
juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve

cocktails

on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at

least

six "D" batteries to operate.

	Boy's toys in Anime incude: Guns, Mystical swords, Robot androids
who try to seduce them, Silly and overly cute robot androids, Really big
guns, Space ships, Mystical weapons, Martial arts techniques...you get
the idea.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The

man

waters the plants.  The woman comes home five days later, to an

apartment

full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

	In Anime your girlfriends plant will mutate and try to eat you
while raping anything female for blocks around. She will still hit you
for killing it when she returns.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches.  Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds.  There are no women who look good with mustaches.

	In Anime, only villans and comedy relief have mustaches. 

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names

like

"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames.  If
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will

call

each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave,

Rob

and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each

other

as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

	In Anime people will call each other by their name and add the
suffix 'Chan' or 'Kun' to it.

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	Ja!
Catbert25


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