PURGATORY . . . AND BEYOND 

By Adrian Wong

This is my first purely Neo Genesis Evangelion fanfic ever, and I've only
seen a couple of the mid-episodes.  So ease up on the flames, guys  (^_-)

All Eva characters belong to Ganaix.  Only the story belongs to me.
This story takes place AFTER the final Eva movie.  There will be some
mature subjects ahead, so be warned.  But this is NOT a lemon; it's a
drama.  So please don't be put off by the beginning and enjoy your ride J

########################################################################

	"I'm lonely."

	On a small piece of land surrounded by an endless sea of yellow liquid
lied a pair of young people.  They were a vulnerable-looking oriental boy
and a gorgeous, redheaded girl.  Both were naked as the day they're born,
as the two embraced each other on the yellow sand.  The boy had a lost-look
on his face as he caressed each and every bit of skin on the redhead's
body.  Softly, he asked.

	"I touch, but I don't feel.  I see your eyes, but they lacked the fire
that was burning from beneath them.  You smile, yet it is the demure smile
of Mother.  So please tell me: what are you really?"    

	Turning towards him, the girl replied.  "I am whoever that you had chosen
to be with at the point of the final impact, Shinji.  I am the Asuka
Langley that you would like to have had around you: kind, demure . . .
willing.  I am the materialization of your dreams."

	Running a hand through the girl's hair, Shinji asked.  "Yes, you are
indeed what I've always wanted Asuka to be like, you're the end to my
loneliness . . . yet why am I still feeling so empty?"

	Asuka's eyes melted in a kawaii smile that reminded the boy of Misato.  

	"I can't answer that question, Shinji, for I can only know what you know,
see what you see."

	". . . I feel lonely."

	"But I'm with you."

	"Is this a dream?" Shinji asked as he hugged Asuka against his naked body
like she was a doll. "No matter how tight I'm hugging you, I can't feel
your warmth, nor the smoothness of your skin.  It feels like a dream . . .
a long, unending dream."

	"This is not a dream, Shinji-kun." A familiar voice called out from behind
him.  "This is a closed-circuit within every person's heart, one that turns
into a temporary 'reality' for the soul after its bodies failed it.  It is
what some Liliums have called the Purgatory."
 
	Turning around, Shinji saw a handsome, gray-haired young boy who had once
haunted his dreams looking down at him with a brilliant, loving smile on
his face.  He was wearing the same set of clothes that Shinji had first
seen him in: the standard high-school uniform.  Under the golden light of
the surrounding LCL, his chalk-white complexion was given an unearthly
glow.  Immediately, Shinji abandoned Asuka and got up to hug the boy.

	"Kaworu!!"  He cried.  "Don't ever leave me, even if you're a illusion!
You're the only one who can truly make me feel complete . . . you're the
only one willing to love me." At the other boy's smile, he babbled on
desperately: "Oh God, I'm . . . I'm glad that you're only the Kaworu in my
mind.  The real Kaworu would not have let me hugged him like this . . . not
after . . . nor after I've . . ." Shinji couldn't continue on as he broke
down into tears.

	Stroking his hair, the angel replied in a gentle voice: "Can an illusion
feel so real, Shinji-kun?"

	Startled, Shinji recollected his wits, and abruptly realized something.
"You're warm, just as warm as I remembered you to be.  And your scent . . .
it's still the subtle scent of the seashore where we first met.  All these
sensations are so . . . strong.  Does this mean . . ."

	"That's right,"  Kaworu replied as he ran tossed Shinji's short hair like
he was his little brother, "I'm real, Shinji-kun.  I am one of the 17
corrupted beings born into the mortal realm in search of Adam's power, only
to fall in love with a mortal instead."
	
	Immediately, Shinji backed away from him as he regarded the angel that he
had killed with a look of fear on his face.  Looking at his hands, he found
them to be drenched blood.

	"GYAHH!!!!"

	Kaworu immediately stepped forward and caught Shinji's hands in his own. 

	"Shinji-kun!  Shinji-kun!  Snap out of it!  This is just a trick of your
mind!  Look, look at your hands again!"

	Shinji looked down, and found that there was indeed no blood on his hands.
 Leaning over with a chiding smile, Kaworu said.

	"Really, Shinji-kun, you are so silly sometimes.  If I'm the one who told
you to kill me, then how I possibly hate you for it?  Besides, it is
through the death of my mortal form that I was given a chance to go back to
Father and redeem myself for getting infected by mortal greed.  He forgave
me, Shinji-kun. Can you believe it?  I'm now one of his Children again!"
Laughing happily, he continued on, "And it's all because of your help,
Shinji-kun.  Thank you, for giving me a soul again."  He leaned over and
gave Shinji's cheek a light kiss as the boy blushed.
	
	"Kaworu-kun, about what you said to me before, about lov . . . lov . . . "	

	"Loving you?"  Kaworu asked.

	"Yeah . . ." Shinji asked as he looked down and fidgeted with his fingers,
"do you mean it?"

	"What do you think love is?"  Kaworu asked back.

	" . . . I don't know."  Shinji replied looking ashamed.   	

	Smiling, Kaworu embraced Shinji again as he whispered against his ear:
"I'd do whatever it takes to give you happiness: do you think that's love?"

" . . . yeah."

"Then I love you, Shinji-kun."

"Kaworu-kun?"  Shinji asked shyly.

"Um-hmm?"

"I want to . . . I want to . . ."

Smiling, Kaworu said.

"Tell me what you desire of me, Shinji-kun, and I shall give it to you." 

Taking a deep breath, Shinji said.

"I want to experience your body."

Kaworu's eyes widened slightly as Shinji continued on:

"You're the only who had ever loved me, Kaworu-kun. I want to give you all
that I have . . ."

"And take all that you want from me?"  Kaworu asked.

Blushing, Shinji nodded his head.

Lowering his red eyes, Kaworu replied.

"Lilium couples regarded copulation as the highest form of love, because no
matter how much they tried, most of them cannot truly give their souls to
each other: there is too much selfishness within each individual soul to
allow that.  That is why they settle for the next best thing.  But angels
are different, Shinji-kun.  We are by nature non-physical beings, thus
share our hearts and dreams instead of our bodies." 

Shinji lowered his head in shame.  When he looked up again, however, he was
shocked by the sight of Kaworu's clothes dropping away from his flawless,
pale body a layer discarded skin.  Smiling, the angel said.  
 
"But you're human, Shinji-kun.  As such, our needs are different. Right
now, I still can cross over between Purgatory and Heaven at will due to my
status as an angel. By possessing my body, you'll lock me here in this
realm of illusion for eternity.  You will have me beside you forever, and
I'll love you always.  But I'll never be able to gaze upon the radiance of
Father again, nor communicate with anyone but you.  I'll be yours and yours
only, forever and ever."  Staring into Shinji's dark eyes with his crimson
ones, he said. "It's up to you, Shinji-kun.  I'm willing to give you
happiness in whatever ways that you desire.  This is my love towards you."

Shinji's eyes lit up as he reached out a hand to caress Kaworu's exquisite
face.  If he allowed himself to become intimate with Kaworu, then he'd have
someone who loved him by his side for eternity: he'll never have to fear
loneliness again.  

But on the other hand, Kaworu would become his slave, never to see each
another being aside from himself.  What of his 'Father', who he talked so
fondly about?  And what of his other friends?  Surely, even Angels must
have lives.  

The two conflicting lines of thoughts battled within Shinji's head, as
Kaworu continued to smile tenderly at him.  It was then that a thought
struck him.

Should Kaworu be deprived of all else but he, would the angel's smile still
be as radiant as it was now?  

Or would it become sad and melancholic, a sorrowful expression marring his
angelic beauty forever?

Would Kaworu's love towards him slowly degenerate into a duty to a past
promise in this sea of emptiness, as dreams of the liveliness of the
outside world haunt him night after night? 

He had made his decision. 

"No, Kaworu-kun."  Shinji replied.  "I will not destroy your happiness by
keeping you as my slave.  If you come to see me again, it will be of your
own freewill.  This is . . . my love towards you."  Shinji finished off
with a furious blush on his face.  

Kaworu's smile lit as tears steamed down his eyes.

"Congratulations, Shinji-kun."   

"Huh?"

Abruptly, the sea of LCL surround them vanished as well, leaving the two
boys floating in a sea of darkness illuminated by innumerable dim, red
lights.  At the same time, their bodies were suddenly clothed in trailing,
white robes.  Holding tight onto Kaworu as if the boy was a piece of
floating board, Shinji yelped.

	"What is this . . . my world has disappeared!!!'

	"No, Shinji," Kaworu replied as he petted Shinji's back, "you act of
selflessness have just shattered the spell of illusions that you have
blinded your soul with all this time.  This scenery in front of you is the
reality behind the purgatory: an endless void of darkness lit up by the
illusions of the lost souls."

	"Lost souls?"

	"Human souls who didn't know of God grace, thus retreated into their own
little cells private worlds after their deaths."  Kaworu replied as he lead
Shinji towards a sea of red dots, in which vague shades of humanoid figures
could be seen within it.  

	"Here," Kaworu pointed at a particular globe of red light, "you might want
to see this.  This is the illusory cell that had blinded Ikari Gendo after
his death: this is his damnation."

	Shinji gasped, and looked into the globe.  He saw his father sitting in on
a stool amidst a sea of darkness, his bespectacled face a complete void.
Phantoms of the people that he knew in life faded in and out around him,
haunting him.    

	"You manipulated women's hearts for the sake of your own ambition."
Ritsuko-phantom, with blood seeping through the wound on her chest, said.
"I hate you."

	"You're a monster who would turn innocent children into machines of war."
Misato-phantom, with multiple wounds on her body and blood pouring out of
her mouth, said.  "I hate you." 

	"You've maimed me through the hands of your own son . . . my best friend."
 Touji-phantom, with his arms and legs twisted into unnatural, horrific
angles, said.  "I hate you."

	"You've manipulated me, using my rage and pride for you own selfish
means."  Asuka-phantom, with her left eye missing and her rest of her body
falling in shreds, said. "I hate you."

	"You've deserted me for years, only to force me into being something that
I hated being."  Shinji-phantom, with a chilling look of hatred on his
face, said. "I hate you."     

	Gendo seemed to shudder lightly at hearing his 'son's' words, but didn't
react otherwise.  Just then, a pale hand reached out from the darkness and
took his glasses away from his face.  With a vacant, eerie expression on
her pale face, the girl shattered it with her hand.

	"You've given me not one, but three painful existences," Rei said evenly,
"I hate you."

	Gendo reached out for her, as if trying to touch her hand, but she faded
into the darkness once more.  Appearing in front of him was the one
apparition that had been haunting his existence for years.

	"You've failed in being not only a husband but a father as well.  You've
never even attempted to teach Shinji about how to live and give.  For this,
I shall loathe you till eternity."  Yui said coldly as Gendo lowered his
face, refusing to look at her.  
	
	Shinji was shuddering at the sight and sounds of his father's own
self-created torture-chamber.  Seeing that, Kaworu grabbed his hand and led
him away from the globe.  "I'm sorry, Shinji-kun.  But that is the illusion
that your father had chosen for himself.  Your mother has been trying to
get him out of his private torment and go up there with her, but he's still
too guilt ridden to break out of the Purgatory."

	"Mother .  . ."  Shinji whispered the name fondly, "is she in Heaven?"

	"Yes. And now that you're free from the bondage of your illusions and
selfishness, you are allowed to be with her again."

	As the continued to flow past the sea of red globes, Shinji caught sight
of a familiar looking girl with brown, mid-length hair, who was leaning
against a red globe as she wept silently to herself.  

	"She is a soul that has already finished her repentance, and is free to go
up to Heaven if she wants.  But and she's unwilling to leave without
someone who is important to her."

	Realizing that someone was staring at her, the girl turned towards the
boys as she wiped at her tears.

	"Shinji-kun?"

	"Um . . . "	Shinji's eyes widen at the sight of the mole from beneath the
girl left eye.  "Ritsuko-san?!"

	"Shinji-kun, you've broken out of your cell, I see.  I'm happy for you."

	"Ritsuko-san," Shinji hesitantly held out a hand, "come with us."

	The young Ritsuko shook her head.  "I'm not leaving until I've reconciled
with mother.  You go on first: Misato and the others up there are waiting
for you."

	"How long are you going to stay here, in this dark and lonely place?"
Shinji asked as his heart ached.  Ritsuko cleaned up her tears completely
and smiled.

	"Don't worry about me, Shinji-kun.  Time is not important in this realm.
Even if I am to spend centuries in here, there will still be an infinite
length of happiness left for me when I finally go up to Heaven with Mother.
 Go on, I'll be but a moment."

	"I . . . I'll see you then.  Take care, Ritsuko-san."

	"Be happy, Shinji," the girl who used to be an woman replied, "be happy
like you've never gotten the chance to be in life.  And please," she smiled
sadly, "find it in your heart to forgive everything that I've done."

	"Ritsuko-san . . ."	

	As Shinji resumed his journey through the red globes with Kaworu, he
passed by a series of red globes showing strangers in various cells of
torture and pain.  Seeing his fear at the pain being inflicted upon them,
Kaworu whispered gently.

	"These people are the members of SEELE, deprives souls who had lured me
into the mortal body whose image I'm using right now.  In the quest for
divine Godhood, they have manipulated humans and angels alike, causing
great pain to both parties.  This are the varying degrees of hell that they
have created for themselves, their damnation from which none is willing to
rescue them."

	Shinji's eyes were wide with fear as he darted his eyes from globe to
globe, horrified yet unable to look away.  At the sight of a particularly
gruesome scene, in which a strange man who looked part android and part man
was having his metallic parts yanked out of his body by various ghoulish
looking beings in lab coats, he forcibly twist his head away and hid his
face in Kaworu's chest.  Running his hands gently along his trembling back,
the angel spoke in a soothing voice: 

	"It's alright, Shinji-kun.  You're not to be tormented like them.  You've
past your final test in resisting the last spark of selfishness within your
soul.    Congratulations, Shinji-kun.  Your wishes shall now be fulfilled." 

	Hearing that, Shinji tentatively removed his face from Kaworu's chest and
looked up.  To his shock, he found the two of them standing on a beautiful,
flower-covered plain.  Looking around, he saw people walk by in pairs and
threesomes.  All of them have genuine looks of content on their faces as
they studied the beautiful, unspoiled land and sky of this warm,
fantastical world while chattering among themselves.  Whenever someone
walks alone, there will always be another who goes up to him or her to
start a gentle conversation: to keep them from being lonely.  

	Shinji surveyed his surroundings with a look of wonder on his face.
Smiling at his expression, Kaworu said:

	"Do you see them, Shinji-kun?  Do you see how each and every one of them
cares for the others around them?  This is what Heaven is about: a place
where the pains of existence have been reduced to a minimum since nobody
has to be wary of another.  Mortal's lives were torturous because they were
constantly forced against each other in their fight for survival.  In here,
where all humans are but spirits with no actual physical needs, everybody
can be happy without having that happiness built on the others' pain."

	"Does this mean -"

	"SHINJI-NO-BAKA!!!!"

	A slap to the back of his head prompt him to turn around, where he saw
Asuka glaring at him with every bit of the fire that she had in life.

	"You pervert!!" She snapped. "How dare you indulge in a hentai fantasy
about me?!  And for so long?!?!"

	"Eh?!"  Shinji's face turned crimson at hearing that.  "You KNEW?!?!"

	"Of course I ^&(*&(* knew, you degenerate!  Did you truly think that after
knowing what afterlife is all about, I'd be stupid enough to leave your
perversion unchecked?!  I hate you I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"

	Asuka started choking him as Shinji's arms flailed around him franticly.
Suddenly, the girl was yanked away from him by a familiar figure as a voice
spoke up:

	"Bah!  Quit it, Sohryu!"

	"Humph!!"

	"TOUJI!!"  Shinji's eyes were shimmering with tears as he looked over his
friend's non-crippled body.  "YOU'RE WELL AGAIN!!"

	Chuckling, his friend replied.  "Of course I am, you dork!  I'm a ghost!
I can look whatever I want now!  By the way, Shinji, what happened wasn't
your fault: don't ever blame yourself because of it."

	"Touji . . ."  Shinji wiped off his tears as he smiled.  Looking slightly
uncomfortable, Touji coughed and changed the subject.  "Hey, don't give me
that touchy-huggy look now. Sohryu deserves it more: she cried a river
every time that we've got the chance to go visit you back at the realm of
illusions."

	"Asuka . . ." Shinji turned towards the girl with a moved look of
gratefulness on his face, which the girl pointedly ignored (while blushing
furiously).
	Just then, there came a VERY familiar voice from behind him, a voice that
reminded him of the song of autumn wind:

	"Shinji-kun."

	Without turning around, Shinji whispered her name:

	"Rei."

	To his surprise, a pair of pale arms encircled him from behind, entrapping
him passionate intensity.  A sob could be heard from behind him as the girl
spoke up:

	"I've missed you, Shinji-kun . . . so much . . .it hurts."

	Turning around, Shinji fiercely hugged the girl to himself as he whispered
again and again:

	"Forgive me, Rei.  Forgive me for pushing you away . . ."

	Asuka looked at the two with a miffed expression.  But eventually, it too
softened into a smile as she saw how happy the two of them were.  Besides,
she too had already found out the truth behind the enigmatic Ayanami.

Kensuke, who was standing to one side, whispered to Hikaru.

	"Damn, he had completely ignored us!"

	"I guess Ikari-kun is just too happy to be together with Rei and Asuka
again .  . ."

	"That's right, Kensuke-kun," Misato, appearing in her teens, walked up
from behind them and said.  "This moment belongs to them.  Why don't we all
go for a drink, huh?  My treat."

	"Oh please," a teenage Kaji said with his arms behind his back, "we all
know that drinks doesn't cost money in Heaven.  You just have to imagine it
and it's there."

	Kensuke, however, was gushing all over the girl who used to be his
favorite older woman of all time.  "Katsuragi-san!  I'd be honored."

	Touji, who had overheard that, skipped over excitedly and quickly followed
them.

	"Count me in, Katuragi-chan - ouch!  Hikaru, what did you hit me for?!"

	Meanwhile, Rei had hesitantly pulled herself away from Shinji. Closing her
eyes, Rei morphed into the figure of Ikari Yui and smiled at her son.
Staring at her wide-eyed, Shinji gasped.

	"Mo . . . mother?!  It is you all along?!"

	"No, son.  That really was Rei.  Since she was a clone made up of bits and
pieces of my body and soul, both of us have to be rejoined after the Third
Impact. Even though you grew up unclear and unguided, you've still managed
to defeat all odds and come back into this realm of higher existence.  I'm
proud of you, Shinji."

	"Mother . . ."  

With that, mother and son embraced once again.  Striding up to Kaworu,
Asuka whispered.

"Thanks, Wonder-boy," she whispered, "for giving Shinji back to us . . .
not that I missed him, but . . ."

"It is my duty and obligation to save all lost souls . . . even though I
have to admit that he was the one who mattered more to me than all the
other millions in the world, having crossed path with him in life.  But he
truly is an extraordinary human, in every sense of the word."  Leaning
closer to her, he whispered, "Don't lose him again like you did in life:
take the initiative and go to him."

Asuka's face turned ferociously crimson as she heard that.

"Wha . . . what are talking about?!"  

Smiling with a glint of mischief in his red eyes, Kaworu simply said: 

"Father is summoning me, I have to go." 

With that, he leapt up into the air with agile grace and disappeared.


Turning back to Shinji and Yui, Asuka struggled with herself for a while,
before finally running up to them and hugged Shinji from behind.  Yui,
sensing Rei's urgent need to hold Shinji again, morphed back into the
figure of the pretty albino girl.  Shinji gathered both girls in his arms
as he thought:

< An absence of selfishness, an infinite sea of life . . . and I'm no
longer lonely. This is Heaven, this really is Heaven. >

THE END

Adrian Wong

September 21, 1998.