The lost self-insertists part 2.

	Dan stood in the middle of the busy street and frowned as he
glanced around. He and Bill had arrived in this dimension almost an hour
ago and Ataru had vanished immediately. It was some sort of large city in
Japan, that much they could tell, it was dark and pollution hung in the
air to the point where the citizens wore gas masks.
	"Where the hell is he? I know he's found some babes or he
wouldn't have been gone this long." muttered Bill looking frustrated. He
walked over to a large and bulky looking armored police car with an
officer sitting on top of it. He had short brown hair and was facing away
from them.
	"Excuse me sir?" said Dan as he walked up beside Bill.
	The officer stopped eating and slowly turned to face them. "Who
you callin sir?" she asked.
	"Oh sorry, it's just your hair I..." started Dan apologetically.
	"Oh I get it, you think a girl can't be a police officer is that
it?!" said the woman angrily.
	"No I swear I just wanted..." started Dan when Bill spoke up.
	"Your a girl? Wow, how do you get your chest too look that
small?" 
	Dan just stopped and stared at him in disbelief. Bill looked
genuinely interested in the answer to his question.
	The woman growled angrily and crushed the soda she had in her
hand, it spilled over onto the car and she gasped. "Look what you made me
do to my Bonapart!" she cried and turned in her seat. The entire top half
of the 'car' turned and revealed a turret that pointed at Dan's head.
	"Wow, that's a pretty big gun." said Bill in mild shock. All Dan
could do was stare down the barrel as the woman grinned maniacally at
him.

	This was, of course, when Ataru chose to appear. He was vividly
talking to two tall and well built cat-girls. They were obviously twins
and Ataru was trying to talk them into a three way, and failing
miserably. The two of them seemed used to this kind of treatment and had
thus far tolerated him, it was obvious as well that their patience was
growing thin. 
	"Quit followin' us around." said the one on his right.
	"We aren't gonna give you our phone number you little pervert so
just leave us alone." said the other one as she hit the boy square on the
head. Ataru dropped like a rock but recovered quickly.
	"Come on just a quick little feel?" cried the boy as he tackled
the one on his right. She froze and her hair stood on end as his hands
moved up to her chest.
	"Now you die!" screamed the both of them in unison as they pulled
out a pair of large hand guns. They growled and glared at the boy
angrily.
	
	The police officer was about to pull the trigger when a male
officer about the same age as she was strolled out of the fast food
restaurant and looked at the scene in shock. He dropped the bags he had
been carrying and ran for her. 
	"Leona stop!!" he cried. 
	Dan snapped out of his daze and ducked finally. He heard a large
explosion rip through his ears and felt the rubble from the pavement
behind him pelt him as it landed. He turned to look up at her as his ears
rang from the blast. She appeared to be yelling something and was no
longer paying any attention to him. The man was trying to calm her as he
held her back around her waist. Bill was standing next to them on the
turret and yelling as well.
	
	"Take that you bastard!" cried Leona as she fired a round at the
boy who was stuck in her sights like a deer in headlights. She felt a
sharp pain across her cheek and turned to see the other young boy was
standing in a punch next to her. It took her a moment to register what
had happened to her. 
	"What the hell are you doing you psycho?! You can't shoot people
because you spilled soda on your tank!" cried Bill in shock.
	"Watch me!" roared Leona. "How about assault on an officer?" she
said as she adjusted her aim.
	"Oh yea? Disturbing the peace, endangering the lives of
civilians, misuse of public recourses, noise violations, destruction of
public property, and your parking meter has run out!" retorted Bill as he
jumped onto the barrel. "Still want to press charges?" he said
indignantly.
	"Why you smug bastard!" replied the woman as she pulled out a
machine gun. 
	This is when her partner grabbed her from behind and pulled her
arm up as she fired. "Leona are you insane? He's right!" cried the man as
he struggled to keep her down.
	Bill wasn't even paying attention at the moment, something much
more interesting caught his eye. "Puna twins! SWEETO!" he cried as he
jumped off the cannon and towards Ataru and the girls.
	Dan had recovered his hearing somewhat and chased after him.
"Wait you moron!" he yelled as he ran.
	"Get in Al! We've got to arrest them!" cried Leona as she dragged
the hapless man into the tank.
	"Oh, Leona...Do we have to?" he whined as he struggled into his
seat.
	"Yes, now get moving!" said the angry woman as she planted her
foot in the back of his head.

	The Puna twins were distracted from firing on Ataru by the sound
of a familiar engine. "Oh, shit!" the said in unison.
	"It really turns me on when you ladies do that!" said Ataru as
sexily as he could. That wasn't very much.
	He turned to see what they were looking at only to see Dan
holding the locket out in front of him while being chased by a small
tank. Bill had just reached him and stood panting.
	"Hey ladies, I'm Bill." he said to the twins who had already
started to run away.

	Another half hour later a large tank blasted its way into limbo.
Three people emerged from the top hatch and all of them collapsed.
	Dan, Bill, and Ataru just lay on the ground for a couple of
moments and panted. They were covered in treadmarks and dirt, Dan had a
large scorch mark on his back.
	"I can't believe you dropped the locket!" cried Ataru angrily. He
glanced at the tank warily. He didn't like them much because of some past
experiences involving one that Mendo had owned.
	"Well its not my fault they were chasing me! We almost didn't
make it, its a good thing those guys left this one unattended or we'd
never have gotten around that little monster to get it back." said Bill
as he gasped for breath and patted the side of the tank.
	"I still don't see why I had to get out and get it." muttered Dan
as he rubbed the black mark on his back.
	"Duh, because you dropped it brainiac." said Bill.
	"That was rhetorical!" said the boy angrily.
	"Hey, I'm hungry." said Ataru after a moment of silence.
	"Dode, he's right. We haven't eaten in a while." said Bill.
	"Dode? What the hell is a dode?" said Dan looking confused.
	"So my typing isn't very good! Sue me!" cried Bill.
	"Guy's food." said Ataru impatiently.
	"We didn't bring any money. I guess we can try to get a job or
something in the next world if we don't screw up to bad." said Dan
thoughtfully.

	Three days later in the kitchen of an intergalactic 'Pizza Port.'

	Dan rolled the end of a long ball of dough into a tentacle like
protrusion. He left a large portion of it unrolled at the base and set it
on its side. The tentacle like object slowly begins to point upwards.
	"It's rising! Eeehee hee heee heee." giggled Bill and Ataru as
they watched. 
	A large unhappy looking man burst the room and glared at the
three of them. "What the hell are you boys doin in here?" he roared
bitterly. He stopped and frowned deeply as he saw the dough sitting on
the counter.
	"Are you boys making phallus out of the dough again?! Clean up
that mess and get to work, we got customers." said the man bitterly as he
returned to the front of the restaurant.
	"We haven't had a customer in three days." said Dan bitterly as
he began to work the dough roughly.
	"Hey, he wasn't kidding. There's a ship out there." said Bill as
he looked out a window into the parking area. A large red space ship sat
parked outside the restaurant. Dan recognized it immediately. "Yagami."
he gasped. Bill perked up and ran out to the front of the restaurant
tying an apron around his waist.

	Tenchi Musaki sat at the counter and smiled as a boy about his
age rushed up to the counter. Ayeka and Ryoko stood on either side of him
looking around the place suspiciously.
	"We have to eat ya know. Just because someone didn't buy
groceries..." said Ayeka with a small laugh from behind her hand.
	"Hey, why the hell do you laugh like that? I've always wondered."
said Bill.
	"What?" said Tenchi and Ayeka in unison.
	"Why do you cover your mouth when you laugh? Is it because your
afraid Tenchi'll see how deranged you look when you do it. or is it just
a 'princess' thing?" said Bill casually.
	"Hey, you can't talk to us like that!" cried Ryoko angrily.
	"But, I'm not Ryoko dear. I'm talking to Ayeka like that. I think
Tenchi should marry you and not her." said Bill with an innocent smile.
	Tenchi wisely kept his mouth shut.
	"Hey, I like this guy." said Ryoko with a small snort.
	"And why is that?" demanded the angry princess.
	"Simple, how will your children ever get enough to eat out of
-that- chest? I mean Ryoko's children would never have to worry about
hunger, yours on the other hand..." said Bill with a wicked smile.
	Ayeka and Ryoko just looked at him for a moment. Ryoko wasn't
sure weather to thank him or kill him. She turned to see Tenchi was
looking back and forth between their chests nervously. "I'll let him live
anyway." she thought to herself with a small grin.
	Ayeka was having no such moral dilemma. "Why-why you...How dare
you speak to me that way!" she cried angrily as she put her fist at her
sides and stood up straight.
	"Yea right miss 'most wanted criminal in the universe'. Did you
know standing like that makes your chest even smaller?" said Bill smugly.
	Ayeka just snapped. Bill's smile shrank a little when the small
cylinders of wood appeared in the air around him. "Time to go." he said
as he turned towards the kitchen.

	Dam and Ataru were busy making a pizza dough breast when Dan
burst into the room followed by an angry Ayeka and her force field
generating wood blocks. "Oh, no you don't!" she screamed as he dove
behind the counter with the other two boys. They all appeared to duck
down with him.
	"Your friends can't protect you I'll..." Ayeka was ranting
angrily when she peered over the counter to find them gone. "Where did
you go! I won't let you get away! How dare you talk to me that way?!!"
she cried bitterly as she tore the kitchen apart.
	"You see Tenchi, this is what she'll be like after your married."
said Ryoko from the doorway as Tenchi just watched silently. He thought
this was not the best time to speak, he only wanted to be out of the
room, right now.

	"What the hell was that?!" cried Dan as he landed roughly in
limbo. He stood and leaned against the Police tank that was still sitting
where they had left it.
	"Just something I've always wanted to do." said Bill with a
smile. 
	"Now we won't get paid!" cried Ataru.
	"Paid for what? All we did was eat and play with the dough for
three days." said Dan defensively.
	"Yea, what a great job." sighed Bill.

	Lina Inverse stood over the wreckage of a small town in the wake
of a now destroyed demon. She sighed as Gourry slumped down nearby with
Ameria at his side. The three of them had not had an easy time in killing
the great beast and no real profit had been made in it's death.	
	Needless to say they where more than a little surprised when a
loud rumbling sound started and the ground shook around them. 
	"What the hell?" cried Lina as she stood shakily.
	"Miss Lina! What's going on?" asked Ameria, but Lina couldn't
hear her anymore, and she didn't care because a huge metal tank had just
appeared about four feet in front of her out of a dimensional doorway. It
rolled out over the rubble and screeched to a noisy stop. The hatch
opened and a grinning boy of about sixteen years of age popped his head
out.
	"Excuse me little girl could you tell me where I am?" he said
cheerfully.
	"Ataru shut up! Do you have any Idea who that is?" cried Dan as
he dragged the boy back down into the hatch.
	Bill slunk his way up the hatch. "Excuse me, small breasted type
person. Could you tell us where we are?" he said in a very bad French
accent.
	"What?!" cried Lina angrily as she stood and glared at him.
	"AAAUUGHHH! DO THE WORDS DRAGON SLAVE MEAN ANY THING TO YOU
MORONS!??" cried Dan desperately.
	"I'll show you small!" cried Lina as she held a ball of light
between her hands and shoved it forward sending it towards the tank.
"Fireball!" 
	Bill dove back into the cockpit and the tank shuddered from the
force of the blast. Eventually the shaking and noise stopped and he
emerged from the top again. "That's very nice, but could you tell us
where we might find the big breasted goddess Nagi?" said Ataru as he
squirmed up next to Bill.
	"Why, would they be looking for her?" said Ameria with a slightly
surprised look.
	"What is this thing?" said Gourry as he walked up to the tank and
poked at it. "It's made of metal." he exclaimed.
	"What do you want?" said Lina angrily as she stood back away from
the tank on top of a large pile of rubble.
	"Mind your own business." said Bill in his French voice.
	"Digger Bolt." said Lina as she sent an electric charge through
the tank. All the occupants screamed as the volts passed through them
painfully.
	"Dammit Bill, why the hell do you have to keep pissing people
like this off?" muttered Dan as he fumbled with the locket and the
controls of the tank.
	Bill slipped and his foot hit Dan's head sending him face first
into the firing mechanism. A shell blasted a nearby wall do dust causing
Lina, Gourry, and Ameria to jump back in shock.
	"That tears it!" screamed Lina. "Darkness beyond the Twilight and
crimson blood that flows..."
	"Now would be a good time to leave Dan." said Bill getting
nervous. Ataru looked at the growing ball of power in Lina's hands and
frowned. "She is kind of cute." he said to himself.
	"Buried in the flow of time, is where your power grows..."
	Dan woke groggily and shook his head. "Go now!" cried Bill from
the top of the vehicle. He didn't question or hesitate but quickly put
the tank into gear, it lurched forward towards the newly formed
dimensional porthole.
	"I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand against the
mighty gift bestowed to my unworthy hand..."
	Just as they entered the porthole Ataru jumped from the tank
towards Lina with lust in his eyes. "I love you!" he cried just as she
uttered the final words in the spell.
	"Dragon Slave!"

	The porthole closed the tank came to a noisy stop just inside
Limbo.  "Ataru!" cried Dan as he scrambled up to the hatch. He and Bill
emerged just in time to see a blackened and smoking form sail over the
tank and come crashing to the ground.
	"I don't like her." said the barbecued Ataru as he passed out.

	A few hours later the three of them sat at an Okonomiyaki style
restaurant and chewed idly. Ataru was still covered in black spots and
smoking in some places. Dan looked at the short haired boy who was
cooking at the grill silently.
	"Hey, you know how to get to Ranma 1/2?" he asked casually.
	The chef simply shook his head.
	"I know there is a babe around here, I can feel it." muttered
Ataru as he glanced around nervously.
	The chef looked at him but said nothing.
	"Well thanks anyway." muttered Dan as he stood and created
another doorway.
	"Hope you enjoyed your meal." said the Chef as he scratched the
back of his head and watched them leave. He glanced around and sighed,
"they're gone now." he announced and several figures emerged from behind
the counter.
	"Man that was close, good job Konatsu." said Ranma as he pat the
boy on the back.
	"I hate dressing like this, but I guess it was worth it to get
rid of them." said the ninja with a relieved smile.
	Ukyo and Akane walked around the counter and sat at two of the
stools. "Those guys are disaster area's. There worse than you Ranchan. I
heard about them from a friend of mine during a cross over fic I did a
few days ago. They've been making a real mess of things where ever they
go." said Ukyo with a frown.
	"They couldn't have been any worse than some of the others." said
Akane looking tired. "Why can't those jerks just leave us alone?"
	"I know what you mean, just once I'd like to sleep with someone
with out turning into a girl halfway through it." muttered Ranma.
	"You think that's bad? You wouldn't believe what they made me do
with Ryoga last week! I'm still feeling sick over that one." said Ukyo
bitterly. "I don't see how people think we could be a couple, we've never
gotten along well. At least you two have your moments." 
	"Yea well, I just hope it all dies down in a couple of years when
the series finally ends in America. I don't know if I can take much more
of this crap. I can't stand all these computer geeks beating me up, I
mean Kuno could beat half of these guys with one arm tied behind his
back!"
	"At least they don't sleep with you afterwards as often." said
Akane with a shudder.
	"The fact that any of them do at all scares me! I mean, I'm a guy
dammit! Why can't they see that?! Just because my girl form is cute
doesn't make me gay!" said Ranma looking disgusted.
	"Your tellin me sugar?" said Ukyo.
	"I had an unpleasant experience with a young man who had seen my
first appearance last week. He couldn't read Japanese and thought I
really was a girl, It was strange to say the least..." said Konatsu
bitterly...

	Dan, Bill, and Ataru found themselves in the middle of a large
ring they brought the tank to a halt and climbed out to survey the lay of
the land. 
	"Now where are we?" said Ataru.
	"That's my line!" cried Dan angrily.
	"Who is that?" said Bill as he noticed a figure on the opposite
side of the ring.
	"Ka-"
	"Oh shit." said Dan as he dove back into the tank.
	"-me-"
	"This isn't going well." said Bill as he followed.
	"-ha-"
	Ataru had spotted an attractive looking woman with purple hair in
the crowd. "Hey babe!" he cried as he made a bee line for her.
	"-me-"
	"Dammit Ataru get back here!" cried Bill as he tried to grab for
the boy.
	"-haaaa!"

	Urd sat at a computer screen and nearly fell over laughing. "Oh,
this is better than I thought!" she giggled as she typed more into the
screen.
	"Onechan? Have you seen my dimensional shifter?" asked Skuld as
she peered into the room. 
	Urd Jumped up and stood in front of the screen and smiled weakly.
"Heh, Of course not, you know I hate technical things like that!" she
said with an unconvincing giggle.
	"Drat, I can't figure out what I did with it." muttered Skuld as
she left Urd alone again. She turned back to the machine only to find
that the people had vanished from the screen. "Where did they go to?" she
wondered aloud as she typed. 
	The tank exploded through the wall and crushed the computer flat.
It stopped inches away from Urd's face and she just looked at it in total
shock.
	"A babe!" cried Ataru as he dove from the tank into Urd's arms. 
	"Kakarrot, where are you, you think you can escape me so easily?"
said a voice from over the tank.
	All four of them turned to see Vegeta floating above the tank in
the hole in the wall. Dan just swallowed and Bill grabbed Ataru, Urd and
all and drug them into the tank quickly.
	"Drive dammit drive!" he cried.
	"Vegeta's visor flashed and beeped. He looked down at the tank
and smiled as the power levels began to calculate. "Very interesting." he
said after a moment with a small cruel smile.
	"Drive the tank dammit!" cried Bill as Dan desperately tried to
shift. The tank lurched forward into a porthole. Urd just looked out the
hatch with a look of complete terror as she looked at the Saiyan, she
didn't even notice Ataru was attached to her chest.
	"Run away! Run away!" cried Dan as they drove off into limbo
again.

	The end...

	C&C to Catbert25@juno.com

	I know I should be writing other things right now but these one
shot comedies are just too much fun! And no Vegeta does not just kill
them, that was an 'The adventure continues' type ending in case I decide
to write a sequel one day. 
	In all fairness, this was intended for a good laugh and should
not be taken seriously, so don't take it too hard if some characters were
a little OOC.
	For those of you who couldn't place a series [This time I won't
disguise it as legal babble.] Tenchi Muyou TV, Ranma 1/2, Oh, my
goddess!, Dominion Tank Police, Dragonball Z, The Slayers, and Monty
Python and the holy grail.	

	Authors note: I know some of you are thinking that I stole that
pizza joke from TV guide. Well, your only half right. I used to work for
'Pizza hut' during the summer months when I was sixteen. It was a small
establishment and didn't get much business. Yes, pizza people really do
that when they get board. We made several "Phallus from Pizza dough and
giggled like ninnies when it rose," at my store and I hope the tradition
continues. I will give the credit where it belongs and say that the
article did bring back fond memories of my "Pizza plaid" wearing days,
thus inspiring me to include it in my fic. That was the best job I ever
had, to bad they closed a few months after I quit to return to school.
There I learned to hate other people and take delight in their suffering,
thus preparing me for a job in human resources.
	Ja
Catbert25



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