Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Breaking Free - Ukyo's Story
From: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
Date: 9/17/1998, 11:29 PM
To: "ffml" <fanfic@fanfic.com>

"KaraOhki" <karaohki@snet.net> wrote:

This was posted last night - but many of my
regular readers say they didn't get it.  If this
is a duplicate for you, my apologies

Actually, for me it was a triplicate, but no matter....

Overall, it was a good addition to the BF series, and seemed to work
pretty well. It might benefit from a little more exploration of the
characters' feelings... I'd especially like to see what was going
through Konatsu's mind when he decided to cut his hair.

One suggestion on the writing: Try not to use so many sentences of the
form "Ukyo does this, Ukyo does that," particularly as the beginnings of
paragraphs. Try for more variety; 5 out of the first 10 paragraphs start
this way.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics