Redhead MST...
(The scene opens with a hole. A big blue hole. Then Ranma, Akemi, Lina, Luna,
Washu, Ryo-ok-hi, Ryouga, A-ko, and Andrew fall through. The hole vanishes. A
holographic face appears.)
Andrew: Where are we?
Computerized-female: Um...I'm checking on that.
Akemi (holding a bottle): Whoa...I must be really drunk to see a statue of a
panda. (Everyone turns around.) Ran, where are we?
Ran (from Urusei Yatsura, and yes she's a red-head): Processing...We are in a
tropical rainforest.
Ryouga: Yeah, but what planet are we, exactly?!
Ran: How would I know, you little piggy?
Andrew: Remember, guys, she's an oni trapped in a computer program.
A-ko: Which means?
Andrew: I haven't the faintest idea.
Ran: Have you guys ever heard of "Planet of the Apes."
Washu: Yeah, they just showed all five movies on AMC.
Ran: Think of this as the planet of the pandas. And Ranma's father is their
leader.
Ranma: Oh, boy.
Akemi: Ran, how much longer until the next wormhole can take place?
Ran: 10 years or 50,000 miles, which ever comes first.
Ryouga: I'll go on ahead. 10 years is nothing for me.
Ranma: You've been lost for 10 years, P-chan.
(Suddenly a bunch of pandas come out.)
Panda 1 (sign): [Freeze, humans!]
Andrew: Great, I've just stepped into a Wily E. Coyote cartoon.
Panda 2: [Seize them, the great Panda Genma must see them.]
Washu: Any suggestions?
Andrew: Right after this fanfic...
On Mon, 14 Sep 1998, Adrian Wong wrote:
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 21:20:26 -0400
From: Adrian Wong <7ahw@qlink.queensu.ca>
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Cc: turbo@relex.com
Subject: [FFML] [R1/2][Fanfic][Please Read] Hymns of the Heart
Ranma: I suppose this is the John Wesley version, huh?
########################################################################
H Y M N S O F T H E H E A R T
Which is also part 2 to "Best Ending to a Chaotic Mess"
Andrew: ...is not to get started.
By Adrian Wong
This fic is actually kinda a follow up to Best Ending to a Chaotic Mess,
which had taken a slightly . . . sappy turn. But it can be read on its own
as well. You see, I'm trying to train myself to write fast but good J
Akemi: J?
Washu: J as in Journalism.
All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi and some others. The song in this
fic is actually based on an actual hymn, even though I've changed the words
quite a bit.
Ranma: John and Charles Wesley aren't gonna like it...
Ran: Who are these Wesleys?
Andrew: 18th ministers in the United States. Wrote a lot of hyms that gets
butchered by congregations every Sunday.
########################################################################
Inside the Ucchans', a beautiful music played with a guitar permeated the
air like a sweet scent, captivating all of the boss's friends into giving
all of their attention to one person that they usually tend to over look.
A-ko: Unfortunately, he's being impeached at the moment.
Andrew: By the way, you know last night's pizza we had? Who was the girl that
stayed with us?
Ryouga: Oh, that was the intern. (Everyone face-faults.)
Ran: Ryouga, how would you know...
Ryouga: She and I spent the rest of the night...well never mind.
The player of the guitar began to sing in a beautiful, silvery voice.
"Father I have sinned, be it against my will.
Disgrace and wretched am I, yet still I long to hear:
Andrew: This sounds pretty much like a Catholic song. You know, I'd always
wanted to be a Catholic kid.
Lina: So, what stopped you?
Andrew: When your mom's a non-practing Buddist, it's kinda hard to go find a
church.
I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
Akane was the first to stand up and clap. "That's amazing, Konatsu! I
never knew that you can sing and play the guitar so well!"
Luna (imitating Konatsu): Yes, and I also play at frat parties too...
Ryouga: All I can say is that good thing Nabiki wasn't playing.
Ranma: Why?
Ryouga: She plays the accordion!
Ranma: Nah, Ryouga. She isn't that bad. I mean, I've heard her at Jazz bars and
stuff...
Ryouga: You can play an accordion at a Jazz bar?! I thought they were only for
polka festivals!
Luna: Uh, guys, this is rather pointless.
The pretty boy beamed while Ukyou handed Akane an okonomiyaki. "I know,
eh. That's why I just have to call you all over to listen to this. It
would be a terrible waste to let this beautiful song go unheard."
A-ko: Pretty boy? Is he related to Sammy?
Lina: Um, A-ko, that she's Pretty Girl Sasami.
"It's very good, beautiful one." Kodachi said while she stretched her arms
in a devilishly provocative fashion, causing her flawless curves to stretch
against her St. Heberke Uniform. Mousse adjusted his glasses and stare
longer than what's appropriate, but abruptly turned away as he realized
that Shampoo had caught him staring. Kodachi continued on, "But why the
Christian Theme? It . . . dulls the impact of such high art."
Andrew: Kodachi wouldn't know what's high art if it kickboxed her.
"Aiya . . . thus speaks the Anti-Christ." Shampoo chuckled with a hand
over her lips, then turned back to Konatsu. "Konatsu good musician.
Shampoo very impressed. Where good song from."
Washu: Well, Bach wrote some lovely songs that are hymns.
Andrew: Shouldn't Shampoo be an atheist? I mean, Shampoo wouldn't know what the
Anti-Christ is.
Washu: My, you're being sarcastic today.
Andrew: Ryouga, you really shouldn't have allowed the intern to sleep over me.
Ryouga: Hey, I couldn't help that she brought wine from Martha's Vineyard.
Andrew: And did she get Martha's approval? (Ryouga face-faults.)
"You like it, Shampoo-sama?!" the boy asked, "That's a very big
compliment, cause I wrote the song and created the score myself! Now I
know that my choir is going to love this for sure."
"You're in a Catholic choir?" Ranma asked as he started to snicker, "I'm
sorry, but the idea of a guy singing with a bunch of little girls . . .
heheh - OUCH!!!"
Ranma: ...in short skirts, with white panties... (A-ko mallets him.) Thanks...I
needed that.
"Ignore that jerk." Akane muttered as she removed her elbow from Ranma's
ribs.
"Yes, Ranma should watch big mouth or Shampoo give much needed discipline."
The Chinese girl said teasingly while the boy glared back at her.
"Hey! Don't get too cocky here, cat-girl! I only lost the last time
because I was being careless! I can beat you at a rematch any time of the
day!"
Ranma: That's the last time I'd play pinball against Shampoo...
"And get engaged to Shampoo again by Amazon law?" The Chinese girl blinked
her pretty starlit eyes with mocked innocence as the boy deflated. After a
while, the boy grumbled:
"How come you're still in Japan anyway? Shouldn't you go back to China or
something?"
Andrew (imitating Shampoo): Shampoo filed for political asylum.
"Shampoo have to cancel flight for match at Tendo Dojo last week. Now have
to wait another month for next available flight to China."
Washu: Or until they stop showing "the Avengers."
"Great, just great!" Ranma grumbled, but was elbowed by Akane.
"Ranma, we should be nicer to her," she whispered, "after all, we don't
want her to suddenly change her mind about not taking our Dojo Sigh."
Washu: Sigh? Since when do you sigh a Dojo?
Ranma: It's not a misprint, it's how her father reacts everytime.
Ranma sighed as he silently vowed to himself that he'd find some way to
avenge himself. Meanwhile, Shampoo has turned her attention back towards
Konatsu again.
"Konatsu member of choir? How you have time? Shampoo thought Ukyou made
poor boy work 24 hrs a day despite zero salary."
A-ko: That's because of the stock options.
"Hey!" Ukyou sounded insulted. "What do you take me for, your
great-grandmother?"
Mousse snickered, but was slapped over his head by Shampoo. "Hiba-chan do
no such thing! Idiot here gets regular pay on top of three meals and bed.
Turning back towards Konatsu, she said, "But Konatsu's song seemed sad . .
. what made you write song with sad words?"
Luna: Konatsu must have some drive to be a country singer.
"It's supposed to be a song about repentance, Shampoo-sama" The boy
replied with a slightly sad look on his face. "It has . . . a little to do
with what I'd been through. You see, my stepmother used to open this
Erotic Caf�, and she . . . er . . . she sort of made me help her in
impressing the customers. Sometimes, things tend to go very far . . ."
Lina (imitating Homer Simpson): Hmm...Erotic cakes...
Luna: Uh, it's Cafe, not cakes.
"Oh." Shampoo said as she fidgeted nervously with her fingers. "Shampoo
sorry for being insensitive."
A-ko: And while you're at it, would you stop crashing through walls?
"It's alright," Konatsu replied gently, "you've no way of knowing it. By
the way, that's why I join the choir in the first place," he smiled, "cause
the people there all seem so nice and accepting to someone like me."
Andrew: Then the mafia took over the joint.
The atmosphere of the restaurant suddenly became a lot heavier than before,
and a moment of uncomfortable settled over the place. Finally, Ukyou broke
the silence by slapping her kneecap and speaking up.
A-ko (imitating Ukyou): So, how's everyone's injuries?
"Hey, Konastsu, your song is still unfinished, is it?"
"Yeah, I have to give it to the choir by tomorrow, but I'm feeling so
uninspired lately . . ." Konastsu said as he played the score of the song
again. Catching onto the music, Ukyou sang lightly:
"Father I have fought . . ."
A-ko: For the right to be a boy?
Andrew: at the battle of the Marne?
Ryouga: Ranma and all I got was a lousy t-shirt? (Ranma falls over.)
Konatsu stopped and turned to her with a startled look, but Ukyou gestured
for him to continue on. He started over from the beginning as Ukyou
continued on in a forceful voice that defined her character:
Luna: If she starts singing with her spatula, I'm leaving.
Andrew: Uh, can you show me what you mean by "defined her character?"
"Father I have fought, for what I think I need,
Those who should be my friend, I've made them enemies."
Ranma: Boy, I bet that makes it hard to play Monopoly.
Everybody in the room turned to her in surprise as Konatsu played on as he
sang.
Everyone: Surprise!
"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
Washu (imitating Ukyou): But, you'd better tip me.
Ukyou turned to her room-full of best enemies/friends with a smile, and
most of them hesitantly smiled back. Ranma, however, had a touched looked
on his face as he reached out a hand to put over Ukyou's as he sang in a
rather competent singing voice.
"Father I have loved, if love is what it's called.
Too many games I've played, too many hearts I've broke."
Andrew: 'cause I pawned them all to Nabiki...
At this point, everybody in the room was drawn into the atmosphere of the
song as they all sang together.
"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
Andrew: Aww...how sweet.
Ranma: WAFFY alert. A waffy alert.
Konatsu played on with his guitar, waiting for the next lyric make to show
up. He didn't have to wait long as Shampoo stood up and sang in a voice so
soft and beautiful that it washed over everyone's hearts like a stream of
spring water:
"Father I have tried . . ."
Andrew:... but, I can't seem to beyond the Onslaught stage in Marvel vs. Capcom.
Ranma: I swear, there are just too many characters in that game...
< Oh father I have chased ~ > Mousse added to the song with his own elegant
voice. Shampoo shot him a brief, amused look and continued.
"To win myself a prize,"
<A dream not meant to be ~ >
"The battle's lost and won"
<Lost within hate and love ~>
"My heart is still confused."
<My heart is so confused ~ !>
Lina: You know, I'm not as moved as I thought I would be.
Luna: Really?
"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
The next singer was a bit of a surprise, but her husky, melancholic voice
still managed to pull at everyone's heartstrings as she sang her own part:
Ryouga: Kodachi...husky?!
Andrew: I don't even want to know.
"Father I have wound, to keep myself on top,
A rose with venom thorns, a slave of fear and . . . rage."
Much to everybody's surprise, the almighty gymnast actually started
sobbing. Mousse involuntarily moved away from Shampoo's side and patted
her on her shoulder. Gently, the boy sang on as the rest of the kids joined
in:
"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
Looking around a hint nervously, Akane sighed in a "why not?" sort of way
and dip in her two cents:
"Father I have hurt, those who I should have loved,"
Ranma: With a mallet, with her food, with her Encyclopedia Britannica
collection...
Turning to Ranma, she continued on as her eyes began to tear up with emotions:
"They gave me warmth and light, I gave them burning flames."
Washu: And that was just her food.
Ryouga: She can't be that bad.
Ranma: She's the only girl I know who has to cook with radioactive equipment and
suits.
Andrew: Maybe she's got a nuclear reactor in the backyard.
Ranma stared at her in shock. In all the time that he had known her,
Akane's pride had never allowed her to openly apologize for anything. The
only time they'd ever solve a problem was when he finally gave in and
pampered her feelings. Feeling something poking him from behind, he saw
Shampoo wearing a peeved look on her face as she held up a "Genma-panda"
sign in Kanji:
[[ Go to her, you big log of saotome-wood. ]]
Andrew: Come on, can she do that?!
(Everyone pulls out a sign.)
Ranma: [Yeah.]
Ryouga: [What' ya expect?]
Washu: [We're cartoons.]
Andrew: [Me and my big mouth.]
Ranma blinked, to which Shampoo tilted her head and smiled in a "you're
hopeless" fashion as she flipped over the sigh:
[[ Stop staring at me, or the 'uncute tomboy' will get the wrong idea. GO!
]]
Ranma: [Why do I do this?]
A-ko: [I don't know.] (flips sign) [Choice?]
Andrew: [And since when does Shampoo have a good idea?]
Ryouga: [Plenty of times. Who does the Nekohaten promotions...Cologne?]
Turning towards Akane, Ranma laid a hand across her shoulder as the girl
leaned against him with a light blush on her face. Ukyou, Konatsu and
Shampoo shared a smile among themselves, while Kodachi allowed herself to
lean against Mousse's big, sheltering body. Together, they all sang:
"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."
THE END
Sept 14, 1998.
*****
Genma-panda: [Ah, where are the humans?]
Ranma: Oh, brother.
Andrew: May I?
Washu: Go right ahead. (Andrew walks up to Genma.)
Andrew: Let us go.
Genma: [Why should we?]
Andrew: Because we have these...tires! (Andrew gracefully points to a dress-up
Lina and A-ko displaying a whole heap of tires.)
Genma: [Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!] (The pandas rush to get the tire.)
Ran: And not a moment too soon...
(The blue portal opens, and everyone jumps in, except the pandas.)