You know, it's been a *very* long time since I posted anything 
to this particular list... for that matter, any list.  Lurking is
an understatement to what I was doing...
   Anyway, I'll try to do my best on this one.

Inside the Ucchans', a beautiful music played with a guitar permeated 

the air like a sweet scent, captivating all of the boss's 

   Just a personal preference... it might be a bit smoother saying, 
 "Inside Ucchan's, beautiful guitar music permeated..."

friends into giving all of their attention to one person that they 
usually tend to over look. The player of the guitar began to sing in a 
beautiful, silvery voice.

  Since it was in the past that they didn't pay attention to this
 person, you might want to put "tended".  Also, just to shake up the
 narration a bit, you might want another word than "beautiful". One
 last thing.  It seems that the last "all" is a bit redundant. (or
 change one for the sake of variety)

"Father I have sinned, be it against my will.
Disgrace and wretched am I, yet still I long to hear:

I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

Akane was the first to stand up and clap.  "That's amazing, >Konatsu!  

I never knew that you can sing and play the guitar 

so well!"  

The pretty boy beamed while Ukyou handed Akane an okonomiyaki.
"I know, eh.   That's why I just have to call you all over to 
listen to this.  It would be a terrible waste to let this 
beautiful song go unheard." 

"It's very good, beautiful one."  Kodachi said while she 
stretched her arms in a devilishly provocative fashion, causing 
her flawless curves to stretch against her St. Heberke Uniform.  
Mousse adjusted his glasses and stare longer than what's 
appropriate, but abruptly turned away as he realized
that Shampoo had caught him staring.  Kodachi continued on,
"But why the Christian Theme?   It . . . dulls the impact of 
such high art."

 I think that the word "beautiful" is used a bit too much.. another
opinion matter, I suppose.  Also, Mousse "stared".. also, I'm not
too big a fan of contractions unless an actual character uses them
in dialogue.  One last, "continued on" is redundant. Strike the 
"on".

"Aiya . . . thus speaks the Anti-Christ."  Shampoo chuckled 
with a hand over her lips, then turned back to Konatsu.  
"Konatsu good musician. Shampoo very impressed.   Where 

good song from."

 One comment.. Shampoo's probably asking a question.

"You like it, Shampoo-sama?!"  the boy asked, "That's a very big
compliment, cause I wrote the song and created the score myself!  >Now 

I know that my choir is going to love this for sure."

 a *real* small nitpick, but it seems Konatsu is a bit more well-
spoken than to say "'cause"

"You're in a Catholic choir?"  Ranma asked as he started to snicker, 
"I'm sorry, but the idea of a guy singing with a bunch of little girls 

. . .heheh - OUCH!!!">

  Poor Konatsu... everyone laughs at him...

"Ignore that jerk."  Akane muttered as she removed her elbow from 

Ranma's ribs.

"Yes, Ranma should watch big mouth or Shampoo give much needed 
discipline." The Chinese girl said teasingly while the boy 
glared back at her.

 It seems that this whole quotation is one sentence... therefore,
no period and capitalization, etc.

"Hey!  Don't get too cocky here, cat-girl!  I only lost the 
last time because I was being careless!  I can beat you at a 
rematch any time of the day!"

"And get engaged to Shampoo again by Amazon law?" The 
Chinese girl blinked her pretty starlit eyes with mocked 
innocence as the boy deflated.  After a while, the boy grumbled:

 Seems that "after a while..." should be in the next paragraph,
because he's talking there.

"How come you're still in Japan anyway?  Shouldn't you go back to 
China or something?"

"Shampoo have to cancel flight for match at Tendo Dojo last week.  >Now 

have to wait another month for next available flight to China." 

"Great, just great!"  Ranma grumbled, but was elbowed by Akane.

"Ranma, we should be nicer to her," she whispered, "after all, we don't 

want her to suddenly change her mind about not taking our Dojo Sigh."

 "sign"

Ranma sighed as he silently vowed to himself that he'd find some
way to avenge himself.  Meanwhile, Shampoo has turned her attention 
back towards Konatsu again.

 Seemed like there was a tense shift there... maybe try "As he fumed,
Shampoo turned her attention..." to keep with the same tense.

"Konatsu member of choir?  How you have time? Shampoo thought
Ukyou made poor boy work 24 hrs a day despite zero salary."

 I had one of those jobs... boy, did it suck... sympathize with
them... *SWAT*... sorry, had to hit myself... slightly off-topic...

"Hey!"  Ukyou sounded insulted.  "What do you take me for, your
great-grandmother?"

Mousse snickered, but was slapped over his head by Shampoo.  
"Hiba-chan do no such thing!  Idiot here gets regular pay on 
top of three meals and bed. Turning back towards Konatsu, she 
said, "But Konatsu's song seemed sad . . . what made you write 
song with sad words?"

"It's supposed to be a song about repentance, Shampoo-sama"
The boy replied with a slightly sad look on his face.  "It 
has . . . a little to do with what I'd been through.  You 
see, my stepmother used to open this Erotic Cafe, and 
she . . . er . . . she sort of made me help her in impressing
the customers.   Sometimes, things tend to go very far . . ."

 Never had "that" kind of job, though...  "tended"

"Oh."  Shampoo said as she fidgeted nervously with her fingers.  
"Shampoo sorry for being insensitive."

"It's alright," Konatsu replied gently, "you've no way of 
knowing it. By the way, that's why I join the choir in the 
first place," he smiled, "cause the people there all seem 

so nice and accepting to someone like me."

 Again the "cause".. just seems to just sound funny in context..
IMHO, of course... maybe a character debate, of which I always 
yield to... don't have that great a knowledge of them...

The atmosphere of the restaurant suddenly became a lot heavier
than before, and a moment of uncomfortable settled over the 
place.  Finally, Ukyou broke the silence by slapping her 

kneecap and speaking up.

 Maybe deleting "of" and changing the word order to say, "an
uncomfortable moment" might be a bit better-sounding.

"Hey, Konastsu, your song is still unfinished, is it?"

"Yeah, I have to give it to the choir by tomorrow, but I'm
feeling so uninspired lately . . ." Konastsu said as he 

 He's not the only one "uninspired" lately... well, maybe if I
become a bit more active in this, I might get my spark back...
*THWAP*.. Idiot, stay on topic!!!

played the score of the song again.  Catching onto the 
music, Ukyou sang lightly:

"Father I have fought . . ."

Konatsu stopped and turned to her with a startled look,
but Ukyou gestured for him to continue on.  He started over

>from the beginning as Ukyou continued on in a forceful voice that 
defined her character:

 Again, the "continued on".  Also, a microscopic nit-pick.. instead
of "a forceful voice", try "the forceful voice that defined her
character"... or change to verb from "defined" to something like
"a forceful voice that proclaimed her nature"

"Father I have fought, for what I think I need,
Those who should be my friend, I've made them enemies."

Everybody in the room turned to her in surprise as Konatsu 
played on as he sang.

 Two "as"'s.. maybe "while Konatsu played on as he sang", or
separate it into two thoughts.  "..as Konatsu played on.
He sang,"

"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

Ukyou turned to her room-full of best enemies/friends with a

 "best enemies and friends"... slashes really don't fit... unless
Ranma gets doused, and we get into the whole "he/she" thing...
hee hee...

smile, and most of them hesitantly smiled back.  Ranma,
however, had a touched looked on his face as he reached 
out a hand to put over Ukyou's as he sang in a
rather competent singing voice.

"Father I have loved, if love is what it's called.
Too many games I've played, too many hearts I've broke."

At this point, everybody in the room was drawn into the

atmosphere of the song as they all sang together.

"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

Konatsu played on with his guitar, waiting for the next
lyric make to show up.  He didn't have to wait long as
Shampoo stood up and sang in a voice so soft and beautiful
that it washed over everyone's hearts like a stream of 
spring water:

"Father I have tried . . ."

< Oh father I have chased ~ > Mousse added to the song
with his own elegant voice.  Shampoo shot him a brief, 
amused look and continued.

"To win myself a prize,"
<A dream not meant to be ~ >

"The battle's lost and won"
<Lost within hate and love ~>

"My heart is still confused."
<My heart is so confused ~ !>

"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

The next singer was a bit of a surprise, but her husky,
melancholic voice still managed to pull at everyone's 
heartstrings as she sang her own part:

 Guitar playing... pulling at heartstrings... good job.

"Father I have wound, to keep myself on top,
A rose with venom thorns, a slave of fear and . . . rage."

Much to everybody's surprise, the almighty gymnast actually
started sobbing.  Mousse involuntarily moved away from
Shampoo's side and patted her on her shoulder. Gently, the 
boy sang on as the rest of the kids joined in:

"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

Looking around a hint nervously, Akane sighed in a "why 
not?" sort of way and dip in her two cents:

 Maybe "Looking around with a hint of nervousness" or, "Looking
around a bit nervously..."

"Father I have hurt, those who I should have loved,"

Turning to Ranma, she continued on as her eyes began to tear
up with emotions:

"They gave me warmth and light, I gave them burning flames.">

Ranma stared at her in shock.  In all the time that he had
known her, Akane's pride had never allowed her to openly
apologize for anything.  The only time they'd ever solve a
problem was when he finally gave in and pampered her feelings.  
Feeling something poking him from behind, he saw Shampoo 
wearing a peeved look on her face as she held up a "Genma-panda"
sign in Kanji:

[[ Go to her, you big log of saotome-wood. ]]>

 Log of saotome-wood?  Must admit, don't know what tree that is...
:-)

Ranma blinked, to which Shampoo tilted her head and smiled in

a "you're hopeless" fashion as she flipped over the sigh:

 "sign"

[[ Stop staring at me, or the 'uncute tomboy' will get the
wrong idea.  GO!]]

Turning towards Akane, Ranma laid a hand across her shoulder
as the girl leaned against him with a light blush on her face.  >Ukyou, 

Konatsu and Shampoo shared a smile among themselves,

while Kodachi allowed herself to lean against Mousse's big, >sheltering 

body.  Together, they all sang:

"I forgive you, I love you,
You're mine, take my hand 
Go with me, hurt no more,
Beloved one."

   First off... sorry for the funky edit!  Hope it goes through
right.
   Now, after that. I thought it was quite unique, if I do say
so myself.  I never imagined the whole Ranma cast in a sing-along, but 
maybe everyone else was jealous of DoCo's success... :-).
It was enjoyable, or else I certainly wouldn't have taken the
time to read it.

 --  S. "Zoogz" Jamison
 Not to be confused with "SKJAM!"... I'm not him!

P.S. Hey Gary.. lookit, I'm sending spam!

______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com