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Neon Sign Evangelion
A Mad Author's Production
Story Thought up by A-kun
Madness Provided by TharzZzDunN
Violence Provided by C-chan
Any and All Perversion Provided by A-chan
Fight Scenes by ?????
Dramatic Scenes (there probably won't be any) Provided by Huh?
A-kun: Hi y'all! We're beginning a huge wacky, silly, stupid, hopefully
funny story and all of us are working double time to make sure this
actually goes NOWHERE! Enjoy!
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TharzZzDunN: Everything you know about Evas is wrong. Ignore all else
and believe everything the nice author writes for you to do....SEND
MONEY TO TharzZzDunN! Anyway, this is deceit, an illusion, an act of
predigetstsostas.....oh, fudge.
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C-chan: DIE! DIE!! DIE KAJI!! DIE!!!!!!!!
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A-chan: Hey, A-kun. I think we need more porn in this story.
A-kun: This is the opening, A-chan.
A-chan: That's what I'm talking about. There's not enough porn.
A-kun: *SIGH*
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?????: I'm hoping we'll get around to a lot of fighting. It'll be COOL!
A-kun: *SIGH*
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Huh?: Please forgive my impetuous friends. This will be a fanfic long
remembered. It has seen the end of the Council and soon it will see the
end of the Rebellion... I hate flashbacks....
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A-kun: ;;;O_o;;; Anyway, let's start the fanfic! Roll credits!
?????: A-kun, those go at the END of the fanfic.
A-kun: Oh, right. Start the song, then go straight to the fanfic!
TharzZzy: Right, ignore the song and turn left to the fanfic.
A-kun: This is the LAST time TharzZzDunN sets up the story.
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I Want You by Savage Garden
Any time I need to see your face,
[Eva-01 standing in front of a school. A neon sign that keeps
blinking "Help out an Eva down on it's luck" is on it's chest.]
I just close my eyes
[Eva-03 is riding Zeruel like a cowboy riding a bucking bull.
Eva-03 has the cowboy hat and everything. Other mecha cheer it on.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Gunbuster high-fives Dangaio, Eva-00, Eva-03, Eva-01 and then
punches a sentai robot into the stratosphere.]
your crystal mind and
[Rei looking out at the scene unfolding in front of her. Her
eyes are wide in disbelief.]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[Eva-02 turns to look at the camera and points at itself. It
looks around, as if looking for someone else.]
in the base of my spine
[Eva-01 trembles as Eva-00 closes in for a passionate kiss.
Everyone in the audience sweatdrops.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[Dangaio spitting out some pop and complaining that it's too
sweet.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[Eva-00 pointing at Eva-02 and making two rude gestures.]
I just hold on tight
[Eva-01 backs against the wall and whimpers as the two female
Evas turn to it demanding that it explain to the 'hussy' that she is not
wanted here.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 begins sliding to the right.]
so slightly
[Eva-01 rolls it's 'eyes' and begins sliding so slightly to the
right.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The cast seems confused as to what to do.]
of the human cannonball
[The human cannonball misses and smacks into Eva-03's
windshield. The pilot turns on the windshield wipers.]
That I need to, I want to
[Eva-01 proposing to both Eva-00 and Eva-02. Both smack it.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Eva-01 creeps a little bit closer to Eva-00.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[Shinji is in a room filled with smoke. He breathes in and
begins stumbling around in a stupor.]
You'll never know what hit you
[Shinji still stumbling about the room.]
When I get to you
[Rei walks up to Shinji still stumbling and whaps him. He looks
around confused.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji drooling after Rei and Asuka.]
I don't know if I need you
[Shinji still drooling after Rei and Asuka, but the girls seem
to be discussing Shinji's new attitude.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both girls pull pistols and point them at Shinji.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji continues forward.]
I don't know if I need you
[The girls look at each other.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both decide to just pistol-whip him until he's unconscious.]
I'm the kind of person who endorses
[Gendo Ikari sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair.
His hands aren't visible, but there seems to be a lot of movement with
them. Misato and Ritsuko are trying to explain something. He's not
listening too intently.]
a deep commitment
[Finally, the women walk around the desk to see.... Gendo was
playing with a Gameboy. Both whap him.]
Getting comfy getting perfect
[Shinji unzipping his pants to sit down.]
is what I live for
[Shinji relaxing, buck-naked, on the sofa. We're looking at him
from in front, but to keep this story at least PG, Pen-Pen is in the
way.]
But a look, then a smell of perfume
[Shinji looks at the door, then smells perfume. Asuka enters
and sees Shinji.]
It's like I'm down on the floor
[Shinji on the floor with a blanket covering him.]
And I don't know what I'm in for
[He doesn't know what he's in for.]
Conversation has a time and a place
[Asuka, Rei and Shinji all laughing maniacally at Kaji who is
strapped to a chair.]
In the interaction of a lover and
[Rei and Asuka both kiss Shinji on the cheek,]
a mate,
[then hand him various items of pain.]
But the time of talking,
[Kaji spilling his guts, five minutes later.]
using symbols, using words
[Unfortunately, he can't speak, so he's writing... quickly.]
Can be likened to a deep sea diver
[Kaji tries to say something as the three children push him
closer to the end of a dock. Kaji is wearing 'cement shoes',]
who is swimming with a raincoat
[and a raincoat. The children push him in and laugh evilly.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Shinji standing a little closer to Rei.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[He breathes in and begins coughing and hacking.]
You'll never know what hit you
[He didn't realize that a car with black smoke belching out of
it's tailpipe had just passed.]
When I get to you
[He figures Rei just had really bad perfume on that day.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Misato.]
I don't know if I need you
[Misato pulls out a night-stick and bashes the crap out of
Kaji.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away, badly beaten. Misato laughs evilly.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Ritsuko.]
I don't know if I need you
[Ritsuko pulls out a BIIIIIIIIIG flyswatter and crushes Kaji
underneath it.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away again, badly beaten. Ritsuko laughs
evilly.]
Any time I need to see your face,
[Shinji trying to remember what his mother's face looked like.]
I just close my eyes
[He closes his eyes.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Then, he recalls...]
your crystal mind and
[what she looks like and...]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[that she's just out bowling with her friends.]
in the base of my spine
[Rei sneaks up to Shinji as he's thinking and cuddles up close.
Shinji feels a tingle shoot down to the base of his spine.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[He begins smiling lecherously.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[All the girls confront Shinji about his lecherous attitude.
Shinji points to Eva-01.]
I just hold on tight
[The Eva 'Eeep's as the girls and the other Evas near it.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 just shrugs and begins to inch off screen.]
so slightly
[Not so slightly, Eva-01 runs off screen.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The others chase after it.]
of the human cannonball
[Someone fires the Human Cannonball at Eva-01 for some reason.
He misses.]
That I need to, I want to
[The others tackle Eva-01.]
Ooh, I want you
[Everyone trying to figure out what to do with the lecherous
Eva.]
I don't know if I need you
[They're still thinking.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[They're still thinking.]
Ooh, I want you
[They're still thinking.]
I don't know if I need you
[Finally, Touji comes up with the perfect idea.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Shinji puts something on the Eva and backs up. Everyone looks
at Evangelion Unit 1.]
So can we find out?
[It's got a great big Neon Sign in it's hands that read "Angel
Problems? Call NERV!" and it's eyes flash with the sign. Everyone nods
and leaves.]
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CHAPTER 1 - Eva 1! Eat your vegetables!
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Few people had ever heard of an Evangelion. That one was going
to school, was incredibly stupid. So, it just HAD to happen. Eva-00
through Eva-23, eighteen angels, Dangaio, Gunbuster, three veritechs and
six sentai robots were sitting in the _HUGE_ auditorium. Inside Eva-01,
Shinji just HAD to wonder what the hell the purpose of this was. It was
weird enough when HE had to go to school, but the Evangelion as well?
Kensuke looked up at the Evangelion. He was a little dubious of
the deal on it. An Evangelion for only two thousand yen? And it came
with an air conditioner, a sun roof, windshield wipers, a giant cowboy
hat, fog lights, a customizable horn, a pair of Nikes (SWOOSH!), and a
automatic membership with the JKARA (Japanese Kick-Ass Rifle
Association). AND it was Eva-03!
"I don't get it, Touji, didn't you say there was something about
this thing that made you feel like your little sister was in there with
you?" Kensuke asked.
"No, I said Eva-04 did. Eva-03 is the one I'm currently
assigned. They said if I could sell it, I'd be reassigned to Eva-04."
Touji replied.
"Wow......hey, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with
it or there were any responsibilities I had to take on when I buy it,
wouldn't you?" Kensuke asked.
"Of course, we're best buds!" Touji said, laughing a bit too
loudly, with too much of a crazed look in his eyes in a pose that was
too much like Tatewaki Kuno from Ranma 1/2.
Kensuke formed giant sweatdrops as he watched his friend laugh
for entirely too long.
"Ummmm, I guess I'll buy it....." Kensuke said, pulling two
thousand yen out of his pocket. He had been hoping to buy some more
Dragon Ball Z tapes, but he'd have to settle for just the complete box
set when it was digitally remastered.
Touji held out a form for Kensuke to fill out and sign. Kensuke
filled it out and signed it. Touji snatched Kensuke's money.
"Oh, don't ever open the sun roof if you don't like Eva blood in
your LCL; you have to ride Zeruel (aka. Angel 14) in a rodeo tomorrow;
if you leave the air conditioner on too long, it tends to start turning
the LCL to slush; and if you belch in there, it makes the screen
flicker." Touji said.
"HEY! I thought you said you'd tell me!" Kensuke said.
"I just did. And you never mentioned WHEN I had to tell you.
Bye, buddy!" Touji said, zipping off faster before Kensuke could blink.
Kensuke looked over at Eva-03. At least he finally had an Eva.
And if what Shinji and Misato told him was true about every kid in
school having the potential to pilot an Eva...
Angel 15 hovered, glowing proudly in the darkness. The Angel
slowed as it neared the Earth's atmosphere. Soon, the Earth rotated to
show a small island of a large continent. It focused it's power and
blasted a city on the small island. The smoke cleared and a bruised and
battered young man pulled himself out of the hole waving a white flag.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" he yelled.
"EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"UH?!" A-kun asked.
"IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"NO!! THIS IS ROSEMOUNT, USA! TOKYO 3 IS EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED
MILES THAT WAY!" A-kun yelled at it, pointing.
"OH. SORRY." Angel 15 said, hovering away.
"Yeah, sure. Damn Angels! Destroying my house every week!"
A-kun said, growling.
"Commander! We've spotted Angel 15 in high orbit over the
planet!" Shigeru yelled.
"Mobilize Eva units 0, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 9." Gendo said calmly.
"What about Shinji and Unit 1?" Hyuuga asked.
"Shinji is trying to comfort Unit 1 after it got a 32 on it's
latest test." Gendo replied.
"Wasn't that test out of 500?" Maya asked.
"Indeed." Gendo responded.
"It's okay, Eva 1." Shinji said.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" Evangelion
Unit 1 cried.
Shinji noted that it sounded remarkably like Usagi Tsukino off
of Sailor Moon.
Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, Rei, Magus Cyric Davis (Mack for short),
and Kai Ikari were all launched up to Tokyo 3. Kensuke was almost
hyperventilating as he was about to face his first Angel. They each
grabbed a various gun and aimed the weapon at the Angel.
"The Angel is in high orbit. I'm not sure any weapon we have
can reach it, but we might as well try." Hyuuga commented to the team.
"Right." The Eva pilots replied.
Suddenly, the Angel warped itself so that it was over Tokyo 3
and the Evas.
"NO! It's going to attack!" Maya yelled.
Suddenly, the fifteenth Angel convulsed and a strange object
lowered itself down to the middle of the city. The glow from the Angel
caused a flashing pattern to occur in the strange object, which lit up
the night.
Suddenly, the Evas found themselves in bell-bottom pants, cheap
vests, platform shoes and fake wigs as a Disco floor formed and bad
Disco music began playing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! ACID FLASHBACK!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" The Eva
pilots screamed in unison as the Evas were forced to begin dance.
Gendo watched on. Finally, he saw a way to defeat the evil
Angel.
"Fuyutsuki. Use the Omega Attack." Gendo told Fuyutsuki.
"GENDO! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY MEAN-" Fuyutsuki began to protest.
"USE IT OR WE'RE DONE FOR!" Gendo snapped.
"USE IT AND WE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD ANYWAY!" Fuyutsuki argued.
"A majority of the people living within range have never even
heard OF it. That should suffice as a minor buffer against the effect."
Gendo replied.
Fuyutsuki shuddered.
"Maya, Shigeru, Hyuuga. I want you to go to the DOS prompt and
type in winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory. It will activate a program.
Type 'Y' eight times. Then, 'N' once." Fuyutsuki told them.
They followed Commander Fuyutsuki's directions. The words
'winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory' activated a program called,
"U.S.P.F.A.". At the bottom of the screen, the question "Do you want to
activate this program? Y/N" appeared.
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"Are you REALLY, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"You must be desperate. Think it over for a bit. Are you sure
you want to activate this program? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Okay, let's say you are desperate. Are you REALLY sure it's
worth it? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"No, seriously, are you REALLY, REALLY, _REALLY_, __REALLY__
this desperate? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Is this a joke? Y/N"
They hit 'N'.
Suddenly, giant speakers rose out of the ground around Tokyo 3
and pointed to the sky. Then, a voice began speaking. Poorly. The
Evas and their pilots screamed in agony and fell to their knees.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Rei, Asuka, Kai and Kensuke screamed.
"THIS IS _WORSE_ THAN THE DISCO MUSIC!!!" Touji cried.
"NOT THIS CRAP!!!" Mack yelled.
"GRA-MA!" a hideous voice squeaked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!" Touji
shrieked as his Eva fell to it's knees.
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS HORRIBLE....IF THEY ONLY MATCHED UP
THE VOICE BETTER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Rei screamed, her Eva falling to
her knees.
"TONIGHT, A HURRYING TRAIN!" another voice sang.
"KAJI! IT'S UNRAVELING MY MIND! IT'S DEFILING MY MIND!!" Asuka
cried as the noise sent her into a crying fit.
"The world is a dark and lonely place. Without light, without
care, without reason....." Mack said as lethal amounts of angst wracking
his mind and body.
"How.....could that bastard do this.....even to win....." Kai
asked, whimpering.
In the Dogma, everyone was on their knees, weeping as depression
filled each of them and their will to live seeped out.
The fifteenth Angel shuddered. What it had been doing was mean,
yeah, but this....this....was just plain cruel. Finally, it imploded,
taking the Disco floor, the Disco ball, the cheap vests, the wigs, the
platform shoes and the bell bottomed pants with it (without harming the
Evas).
The Magi, sensing the Angel's destruction (and they had decided
that one more half minute of the program and they would destroy it
themselves) shut down the program. It would be hours, possibly days
before the Dogma would recover from the hideous sounds of the Dubbed
Mamano Hunter Yohko and Dubbed Bubble Gum Crisis sound files.
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