Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][Xover] The Princess Bride (Revised)
From: Pi
Date: 9/14/1998, 4:26 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com


No major changes.  A couple of grammar errors fixed.  A couple of lines
modified to sound better.  I also noticed that Ranma never took off the
pirate's mask in the first version.  (Ooops!)  Anyway, I'll probably send
it to RAAC in about a week, so C&C still welcome.  Thanks to David
Johnston, Mark Ferrer, Dale Ratner, Freemage, and Miko for responding.


                               Ranma 1/2:
                           The Princess Bride


[Opening shot: a rustic setting.  Female Ranma is present, wearing a
demure dress.]

Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Nerima.
          Her fav-

Ranma: Hold it!  There ain't no way you're going to call me 'Buttercup!'

[Screen fades to black.]

[Fade in.  Same setting.  Akane is present.  The dress doesn't seem to
fit her as well.]

Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm-

Ranma: [Off screen.]  Her?!  'Buttercup?'  [Starts laughing.]

Akane: [Pulls a mallet from nowhere and runs off screen.]  Die, Ranma!

[Fade out.]

[Fade in.  Akane, Ukyou, Kodachi, Shampoo, and Kasumi are present.  All
are wearing identical dresses.]

Narrator: Buttercup... oh, nuts.

[The girls notice each other and begin talking at the same time.]

Akane: That jerk!  I bet this is Ranma's fault.

Kodachi: You will not take the spotlight from me, little girls!
         Ohohoho...

Kasumi: Oh, my!  I'm not supposed to be in this scene.

Shampoo: Aiya!  This Shampoo's big debut!  I not let you mess up!

Ukyou: All right, who's the jackass that caused this mess?

[Fade out.]

[Fade in.  Akane is present, wearing a similar dress to earlier, but it
seems to fit her now.  She's smiling at the camera.]

Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Nerima.

Buttercup (Akane): [Growling through her smile.]  Not a word, Ranma.

Narrator: Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting
          the farm boy that worked there.  His name was Westley.  But
          she never called him that.

[Scene: a small stable on the farm.  Ranma is chopping wood.  Buttercup
rides in and dismounts.]

Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley
          around.

[Buttercup tries to catch Ranma's attention, but he totally ignores
her until she's right in his face.]

Buttercup: Baka!  Varnish my horse's saddle.  I want to see my face
           shining in it by morning.

Westley (Ranma): Kawaiikune!  [Sticks out his tongue.]

Narrator: 'Kawaiikune' was all he ever said to her.

[Buttercup stomps off.]

[Scene: a small kitchen.  Buttercup is hacking at a large salad with a
cleaver.  Westley walks past the door.]

Buttercup: Baka!

[Westley pokes his head inside the kitchen and glares at Buttercup.]

Buttercup: Fetch me that pitcher.  [Pointing to a rack above her.]

[Westley walks in, grabs a pitcher -- but not the one she was pointing
at --  and hands it to her.]

Westley: Kawaiikune.

Narrator: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying
          'kawaiikune' what he meant was, 'I love you.'  And even more
          amazing was that she realized she truly loved him back.

[Buttercup and Westley turn their heads to stare at the camera.]

Buttercup: Oh, come on!  You've got to be kidding.

Westley: Yeah, right.  I just got the stupid pitcher for her because a
         clumsy tomboy like her would probably wreck the kitchen if she
         tried to get it by herself.

[Buttercup smashes the pitcher over Westley's head.]

[Scene: Buttercup and Westley standing near the border of the farm.
Both look very nervous.]

Narrator: Westley had no money for marriage so he packed his few
          belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the
          sea.  It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.

[Buttercup and Westley hesitate, then Buttercup gives Westley a big
smile.]

Buttercup: Well, so long!

[Westley picks up a large backpack, waving to Buttercup with one hand.]

Westley: Right!  See ya!

[Buttercup and Westley turn away from each other and their shoulders
slump slightly.  Westley trudges off.]

Narrator: Westley didn't reach his destination.  His ship was attacked
          by the Dread Space Pirate Ryouko-

Buttercup: [Coming out of her stupor.]  _Space_ Pirate!?

Narrator: All right, all right.  His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate
          Ryouko, who never left male captives alive.

[Scene: Buttercup sitting in a small, dark room.  She quickly hides an
onion behind her back.]

Narrator: When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered, she
          went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither
          slept nor ate.

Buttercup: [Slowly crying.]  I will never love again.

                                 *****

[Scene: a gaily decorated plaza located in front of a castle.  Lively
music plays as people dance and gather to talk.  Yuka and Sayuri are
among the crowd, dressed in maids' outfits.]

Narrator:  Five weeks later, the main square of Nerima was filled
           as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince
           Humperdinck's bride-to-be.

Sayuri: Five weeks is a little fast even for Kunou, don't you think?

Yuka: Yeah, but the writer's on a budget and Sailor Pluto's watching him
      closely.

[Trumpets blare from the castle and Kunou strides forward to gaze down
at the assembly.]

Humperdinck (Kunou): Let it be known that a month hence shall be the
                     date of the glorious union between the beauteous
                     Buttercup and the mighty Blue Thunder, as foretold
                     since the beginning of time!

Yuka: [To Sayuri.]  Where did that speech come from?

Sayuri: [Flipping through a binder labeled 'Script.']  I have no idea.

Humperdinck: Behold, the Princess Buttercup!

[The trumpets sound again and Buttercup emerges from the castle, dressed
in a beautiful white gown.  The crowd cheers her, but the dour
expression on her face remains the same.]

Narrator:  Buttercup's emptiness consumed her.  Although the law of the
           land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did
           not love him.  Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she
           would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her
           daily ride.

[Scene: Buttercup riding through the forest.  She stops to rest her
horse.]

Sarcastic Voice: [From behind Buttercup.]  Excuse me.

[Buttercup turns and sees Tarou, Ukyou, and Shampoo.  All of them are
wearing their normal clothes, down to Tarou's sash.  Buttercup's eyes
widen.]

Buttercup: You aren't supposed-

Tarou: Knock her out.

[Shampoo brings a round mace down on Buttercup's head, knocking her
out.]

[Scene: Tarou, Ukyou, and Shampoo -- who is carrying Buttercup -- are
approaching a small ship.]

Ukyou: Explain to me again why we are doing this.

Tarou: I haven't explained it to you for a first time.  I'm certainly
       not going to repeat myself.

Shampoo: And why you play 'Vizzini.'  What happen to mercenary girl?

Vizzini (Tarou): [Looks briefly troubled.]  She said she had better
                 things to do.

[Flashscene: Nabiki walking down a stone hallway, dressed in a man's
medieval uniform.  She sneezes and stops.  She takes a watch out of her
pocket, looks at it, and puts it back.  She begins walking again.]

Vizzini: [Dismissively.]  Never mind.  I don't see how I owe you two any
         explanations since you were the ones who asked to come with me.

[Vizzini stops walking.  He turns and glares at Ukyou.]

Vizzini: Remember where I found you, Iniga?  Crying over your
         okonomiyaki sauce?  You had drunk so much sake that you
         couldn't even lift a spatula.  [Points a finger at Shampoo.]
         And you, Physique.  Self-proclaimed strongest woman on earth.
         You can't even find a man strong enough to defeat you.  [Tarou
         snorts, turns again, and continues towards the ship.]  After
         you help me, I'll make sure that you get what you deserve.

[Tarou chuckles as he boards the ship.  The two girls share a look and
then follow.]

Narrator: And so the kidnappers set out for the frontier, unaware of the
          danger that lay ahead.

Vizzini: [Looks straight into the camera.]  Oh, I'm ready for fem-boy.
         The question is: is he ready for me?

[Scene: the kidnapper's ship at night.  Ukyou is at the helm while
Shampoo watches Buttercup and Vizzini stares at the sea behind the ship.
Buttercup groans and tries to sit up, but finds herself bound.]

Buttercup: Let me go, right now!

Physique (Shampoo): I tie you up tight.  You no go for swim tonight.

Buttercup: I'll scream and... [Reluctantly.]  Prince Humperdinck will
           come rescue me.

Vizzini: [Not taking his eyes off the sea.]  We're kilometers from
         shore.  Exactly how loud were you planning on being?  I might
         want to get something to plug my ears first.

[Buttercup mutters something and struggles against the ropes.]

Iniga (Ukyou): [Notices Vizzini's stare.]  What are you looking at
               anyway?

Vizzini: [Smirks.]  Now, now.  It wouldn't do to spoil the surprise.

[Iniga, Physique, and Buttercup look behind the ship but don't see
anything.  Vizzini faces the front of the ship and grins.]

Vizzini: Ah, perfect timing.

[The sky begins to lighten and the small ship approaches a tall rock
face.]

Narrator: As they approached the Cliffs of Insanity, the coming dawn
          reveiled to the villains that they had been followed.

[Behind the first ship is a small skiff, without any sail.  A black-clad
individual is paddling furiously, her arms and paddle almost a blur.]

Vizzini: [Looking at the camera.]  That's such a harsh way of looking at
         things.  I'm no villain.  I'm simply misunderstood.  [He
         chuckles.]

[As Vizzini's ship bumps into the cliffs, he jumps overboard.  A huge
creature bursts out of the water, grabs the three girls from the ship
and flies to the top of the cliffs.  The smaller boat reaches the rocks
seconds later.  The person in the boat is a short girl, wearing all
black clothing and a black mask.  A red pigtail can be seen at the back
of her head.  She drops the oar, slumps forward a bit, and pants for a
few seconds.]

Girl in Black: [Looking up the rock face.]  Oh, damn.

                                 *****

[Scene: top of the cliffs.  The monster lands and releases Iniga.  It
points at her and then at the cliff.]

Iniga: [Removes the giant spatula from her back.]  Right.  I'll take
       care of her.

[The monster snorts and flies off, still carrying Physique and
Buttercup.  Iniga walks to the cliff edge and looks down.  The Girl in
Black is quickly ascending the cliff by jumping between outcropping
rocks.  Surprised, Iniga backs up and takes a defensive posture as the
girl makes it to the top.]

Girl in Black: [Panting.]  I suppose you're going to try to stop me from
               saving the girl.

Iniga: You've got it, sugar.

Girl in Black: All right.  [Takes up an offensive stance.]

Iniga: [Noticing how hard the girl is breathing.]  We can wait until
       you're ready, though.

Girl in Black: Forget it!  I'm ready now!

[Iniga walks up to the girl slowly and pushes her over with a single
finger.]

Iniga: I'm supposed to stop you from following us, but you could at
       least make this a little interesting.

[The Girl in Black struggles briefly, then manages to sit up.]

Girl in Black: [Petulantly.]  You try rowing all night long.

Iniga: What happened to your sail?

Girl in Black: [Embarrassed.]  A freak windstorm shredded it.

Iniga: [Disbelieving.]  Riiight.  [She glances at the girl's right
       hand.]   I don't suppose you know anyone with six fingers?

Girl in Black: Er... six fingers?  Nope.  [Curiously.]  Why do you ask?

Iniga: A six-fingered man engaged me to his son.  [Grips her spatula
       tightly.]  Then, he ran off with my family's okonomiyaki cart.
       When I find him, I'm going to say: 'Hello, my name is Iniga
       Montoya.  Because of you, I've seen hell!'

Girl in Black: [Nervously.]  That's it?

Iniga: [She smiles suddenly.]  Well, then I'll beat him and his son into
       a bloody pulp.

Girl in Black: [Warily.]  That's very nice.

[The Girl in Black hops up and stretches for a second before taking a
battle stance.]

Girl in Black: I wouldn't worry about broken engagements.  I'll make
               sure not to damage that cute face of yours during the
               fight.

Iniga: [Looks surprised at the compliment.]  Thanks!  But you can't
       sweet-talk me, girlfriend.  [Readying her spatula.]  Um... aren't
       you supposed to have a weapon?

Girl in Black: [Reluctantly.]  Do I have to use it?

[Iniga nods affirmative.]

Girl in Black: [Sighs.]  Just great.  [Pulls a sign out of nowhere.
               Written on the sign is 'I'm only a panda.'  She holds the
               sign like a sword.]

Iniga: [Eyeing the sign speculatively.]  That's your weapon?

Girl in Black: [Shrugs.]  It's what the prop people gave me.  [Charges
               Iniga.]  Kiai!

[The Girl in Black and Iniga begin to fight and sparks fall from where
the spatula and the sign meet.]

Narrator: The two engaged in a mighty duel.  It ranged all over.  They
          were both masters.

Girl in Black: We don't need a commentary!

[Iniga finally slices the Girl in Black's sign in half.  The Girl in
Black drops the sign, grabs the spatula from Iniga's hands, and hits her
lightly over the head with it.  Iniga looks shocked for a moment, then
topples over.  The Girl in Black looks indecisive, then places the
spatula on top of Iniga and positions her arms over it.  She runs off,
following the path.]

[Scene: the Girl in Black running through a rocky canyon.]

Physique: [From above.]  Bakusaitenketsu!

[The Girl in Black dodges as Physique lands, shattering a chunk of
ground where the Girl in Black was standing.]

Physique: That could been your head!  [Points to the crater.]

[The Girl in Black backs away nervously.]

Narrator: Wait a minute!  That technique doesn't work on people!

Physique: [Looking annoyed.]  Stupid narrator!  Physique know that, I
          only use as threat.

Narrator: Oops.  Sorry.  I'll be quiet now.

Girl in Black: [Readying for combat.]  Then we'll fight fairly.

Physique: Physique strongest woman on earth!  No girl defeat me!

Girl in Black: [Grinning.]  Maybe so, but I'm not a girl.

[While Physique is confused by the statement, the Girl in Black dashes
in and kicks her into the side of the canyon.  A couple of small rocks
fall down and hit Physique on the head, knocking her unconscious.  The
Girl in Black checks to make sure she wasn't hurt, then continues down
the canyon.]

[Scene: the top of the cliffs, where the Girl in Black and Iniga fought.
Prince Humperdinck arrives, riding a large white stallion.  Genma is
with him, riding a old grey mare.]

Humperdinck: Behold, Count Rugen!  The tracks lead further inland.  We
             shall follow and rescue the fair maiden Buttercup from the
             clutches of these madmen who would dare abduct her from my
             protection.

Count Rugen (Genma): Why do you think there are two ships at the bottom
                     of the cliffs?

Humperdinck: Obviously the scoundrels heard of my arrival and sent for
             reinforcements.  But it shall gain them nothing!  I will
             cut them down like the dry chaff of summer.  [Begins waving
             a katana in the air as he urges his horse down the path.]
             Unto victory noble companions!

[Count Rugen looks around, double-checking that he is the only person
with Humperdinck.  Shaking his head, he follows the prince.]

Narrator: [Sarcastic.]  And so, the fearless Prince Humperdinck and his
          mighty legion push onward, through many troubles to rescue the
          beloved Buttercup.

Humperdinck: Quite so!  [Stops and looks around, confused.]  Who said
             that?

                                 *****

[Scene: Vizzini, in human form now, is sitting in front of a small fire.
Buttercup is behind him, blindfolded, gagged, and tied up.  The Girl in
Black runs up and stops when she spots Vizzini.]

Girl in Black: What are you up to, Pantyhose?

Vizzini: [Smirks.]  The name's Vizzini, fem-boy.

Girl in Black: Let Buttercup go!

Vizzini: Of course.  But first, we fight.

Girl in Black: [Surprised.]  That's it?

Vizzini: What else?  You think I'd challenge you to a duel of wits?
         [Chuckles nastily.]  Fighting the helpless goes against the
         teachings of the Art, after all.

[The Girl in Black frowns angrily at Vizzini, while he totally ignores
her expression.]

Vizzini: No traps.  Nobody to interfere.  I'm going to prove which one
         of us is the better fighter.

[The Girl in Black shifts into a defensive posture as Vizzini steps away
from the fire.]

Vizzini: [Gestures towards a small kettle on the fire.]  So, do you want
         some hot water?  [Sneers.]  Or would you prefer to remain in
         your true form?

[The Girl in Black growls and lunges for Vizzini.  Vizzini flips her,
sending her crashing into the ground.  The Girl in Black attempts a
kick, which Vizzini catches.  Keeping her off-balance, Vizzini lands
several blows before she frees her leg and rolls away.]

Vizzini: Pathetic.  [Mocking.]  Did those two little girls tire you out?

[The Girl in Black snarls and lunges again.  Vizzini and the Girl in
Black trade blows for a few seconds, Vizzini having the upper hand,
until she hops back a few steps.  Vizzini smirks and so does the Girl in
Black.  A flicker of worry passes over his face as the Girl in Black's
smile doesn't change.]

Girl in Black: [Taunting.]  Oh, Pantyhose!  [She opens her left hand and
               dangles are pair of pantyhose in front of Vizzini.]

[Vizzini looks down at his clothes, noticing the missing pantyhose
before he realizes he's been suckered.  He snaps his head back up and
gets a face full of nylon as the pantyhose wrap around his head.  He
rips the pantyhose off his head just in time to see the Girl in Black
descending with a kick, which knocks him out.]

Girl in Black: Hah!  I am the greatest!  [Notices Buttercup struggling.]
               Oops... almost forgot.

[The Girl in Black rushes over and unties Buttercup.  Buttercup tries
to run away, but the Girl in Black holds onto her arm.]

Buttercup: Unhand me!

Girl in Black: Calm down!  I'm rescuing you, aren't I?

Buttercup: I don't need to be rescued!

Girl in Black: [Smirks.]  Oh, really?  I supposed you had the kidnappers
               just where you wanted them?

Buttercup: [Continues to struggle against the Girl in Black's grip.]
           The only person I need to be rescued from is you!

Girl in Black: [Smugly.]  And who's going to rescue you from me?

Buttercup: Prince Humperdinck in the greatest hunter in the land.  He
           will come for me.

[The Girl in Black releases Buttercup's arm, causing her to lose her
balance and fall down.]

Girl in Black: I suppose you'll get all mushy once he gets here.
               [Adopting a cute expression and staring skyward.]  Oh,
               Prince Humperdinck!  I was so helpless until you arrived!
               [Stops acting cute.]  Feh.  No pansy prince is going to
               being able to beat me.

Buttercup: [Standing back up.]  Your arrogance reveals everything!
           You're the Dread Pirate Ryouko, admit it!

Ryouko: (Girl in Black): [Removes her mask and bows to Buttercup.]  With
                         pride.  What can I do for you?

Buttercup: [Viciously.]  You can die slowly, dropped into a pit of
           starving cats with fish sausages strapped to your body.

Ryouko: [Backing away with a look of horror.]  That's terrible!

Buttercup: You killed my love!  [Gets a dreamy, far-away expression.]  A
           poor farmboy, with eyes like the sea after a storm.

[Ryouko starts toying with her pigtail and has a goofy-looking smile on
her face.  Buttercup stomps towards Ryouko and learns forward, bringing
her face close to Ryouko's.]

Buttercup: [Angry.]  On the high seas, your ship attacked and the Dread
           Pirate Ryouko never takes male prisoners!

[A hunting horn blows in the distance, but neither Buttercup nor Ryouko
notice.]

Ryouko: [Snapping back at Buttercup.]  Do you know how much trouble male
        prisoners are?  Half of them sit there drooling at me and the
        other half try to grope me constantly.  [Tries to pose
        seductively.]  Not that I can blame them, of course.

Buttercup: You mock my pain!

[The horn blows again, this time much closer.]

Ryouko: [Snaps her fingers.]  I think I remember this guy; five years-

Narrator: Weeks.

Ryouko: Uh... weeks ago, I captured his ship.  [Acidly.]  I'm sure it
        didn't take you long to hook up with the first rich prince to
        come along.

Buttercup: Why you-

[Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen appear.  Count Rugen rides near
Ryouko and Buttercup, leans down, and blows the hunting horn into their
ears.]

Buttercup & Ryouko: [Yelling at Count Rugen.]  Cut that out!

Humperdinck: Fear not, beautiful ladies!  [Hops off his steed and
             strikes a grand pose, one foot on top of Vizzini's body and
             looking off to the side.]  Now that I have arrived, you are
             safe from all harm!

Ryouko: [To Buttercup.]  I suppose he's the best a violent chick like
        you could get.

Buttercup: Jerk!  [Punches Ryouko into a nearby valley.]

Ryouko: Kawaiikune!

Buttercup:  [Shocked.]  Westley?!

[Buttercup suddenly trips and tumbles into the valley also.  Prince
Humperdinck notices and rushes to the rim of the valley.  Count Rugen is
standing nearby, whistling and trying to act innocent.]

Humperdinck: Hold fast, my dears!  I shall rescue you!

[Humperdinck rushes to his horse, mounts, then gallops towards the
ravine.  The horse stops at the edge, sending Humperdinck flying down
alone.  Count Rugen sighs.]

[Scene: bottom of the valley.  Buttercup finally rolls to the bottom,
landing on top of Ryouko with their noses almost touching.  Buttercup
scrambles off Ryouko.]

Buttercup: Is that really you, Westley?

Westley (Ryouko): [Resigned.]  Yeah, it's me.

[Prince Humperdinck crashes face-first into the ground behind them.
Westley stands up and grabs Buttercup's arm.  They begin running towards
the forest at the end of the ravine.]

Westley: Come on!  I'll explain while we lose these idiots in the
         Ryuugenzawa.

Buttercup: [Nervously looking at the forest.]  We'll never survive.

Westley: [Confidently.]  Nonsense!  You're only saying that because no
         one ever has.

Narrator: While Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor...

[Count Rugen scrambles down the last few feet of the ravine's side,
coming to a halt next to Prince Humperdinck.  Humperdinck suddenly
stands up.]

Humperdinck: See how they run from me!  Is this not the mark of love?
             Even as the hunt is more enjoyable when the prey gives the
             hunter a merry chase, so are the rewards of love when one
             must strive to achieve them.  [Begins running towards the
             forest with open arms.]  But you can not hide from me, my
             darlings!

Narrator: ...the clueless Prince Humperdinck and his lazy cohort
          continued to trudge through the countryside.

Humperdinck: What!?  [Stops and looks around.]  Show yourself vile
             miscreant!

                                 *****

[Scene: inside the Ryuugenzawa.  Many huge trees grow near each other,
blocking out most of the sunlight.  Westley (female) and Buttercup look
around nervously for a second, then Westley strides forward.]

Westley: Come on!  It's just a bunch of trees.

[Buttercup begins to follow her when a geyser of water suddenly erupts
where Westley is standing.]

Westley: [Now male and dancing around in pain.]  Hot, hot, hot!

Buttercup: [Staring wide-eyed.]  It really is you!

[Buttercup hugs Westley, causing him to freeze up.  She then punches him
hard in the stomach, doubling him over.]

Buttercup: That's for making me worry!

[Buttercup stomps deeper into the forest and Westley follows.]

Westley: Hey!  I can explain!

[Another geyser of water explodes directly underneath him.]

Westley: [Female, teeth chattering.]  Th-that's f-f-freezing!

[Buttercup walks offscreen and Westley dashes after her.]

Westley: Buttercup!  [A geyser is heard and Westley's voice lowers in
         pitch.]  Yow!  Hot!  Wait up!  [Another splash.]  Aaah!  Cold!

[Scene: a small room.  Ryouga and Mousse, wearing blue jackets with the
words 'Prop Dept' stenciled on them, are sitting in front of a control
board.]

Ryouga: Take this, Ranma!  [Punches a button.]

Mousse: Now, let's hit him several times with cold water!

Ryouga: After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.

[They push a number of buttons and watch Ranma/Westley jump around on a
small monitor.]

Mousse: This will teach him not to hog the spotlight!

[Mousse hits another button, then notices Ryouga glaring at him.]

Mousse: Oh, sorry.

Ryouga: 'Salright.  [Starts grinning widely.]  And now, for the finale!

Mousse: [Grinning in a frighteningly similar manner to Ryouga.]  Right!
        [Aims for a big red button marked 'Flame Spurt,' but instead
        hits the big red button next to it labeled 'Fire Control.']

Ryouga: Not that one, you idio-

[The overhead sprinklers come on, raining a heavy mist down on the duo.
Ryouga squeals and the sound of a pig and duck fighting can be heard.]

[Scene: Westley and Buttercup walking through the Ryuugenzawa.  Westley
is male and very, very damp.  The camera pans in to show their faces
more clearly.]

Westley: What I said about male captives is true.  The first grope or
         sign of drool and they get tossed overboard.  After a couple
         of days, I was the only guy left on board.  The crew is all
         female, you see.

Buttercup: What does this have to do with you turning into a girl?

Westley: I'm getting to that.  One day, I accidentally entered the
         Captain's room while she was taking a bath-

Buttercup: [Frowning.]  You were being a pervert, in other words.

Westley: [Waving his hands in negation.]  No, no, no.  You see, it was
         really a guy I walked in on-

Buttercup: [Angry.]  Then you were being even more of a pervert!

Westley: Aarg!  Will you just listen!  He said, 'As you can tell, I am
         not a woman.'

Buttercup: [Acidly.]  Did you check and make sure?

Westley: [Ignoring the interruption.]  'And I am not the Dread Pirate
         Ryouko.  My name is Futaba.  I inherited this ship from the
         previous Dread Pirate Ryouko, but I think it is now time for me
         to retire.  So, I shall pass it on to you.'  He explained that
         the first Dread Pirate Ryouko was in fact named Tenchi and has
         been retired fifteen years, living with some princess on the
         island of Jurai.

Buttercup: [Confused and frustrated.]  But what does this have to do
           with changing into a girl?

Westley: The name and the image are the important parts for inspiring
         the necessary fear.  I mean, where would Captain Hook be if he
         hadn't lost his hand?  So we sailed to China and he showed me
         the secret of the Dread Pirate Ryouko -- the Nyannichuan.
         After that, we took on an entirely new crew and I became
         the Dread Pirate Ryouko.  [Smugly.]  And I'm the best Dread
         Pirate Ryouko ever!

Buttercup: [Quietly.]  You mean that you chose to change into a girl?

Westley: Uh... well... hold it!

[Westley pulls Buttercup to a stop.  In front of them is a circular area
of sand surrounded by a variety of signs that say 'Warning!  Lightning
Sand!']

Westley: I think there's quicksand nearby.

Buttercup: [Sarcastic.]  Oh really?  What was your first clue?

Westley: C'mon.  We'll go around.

[Westley and Buttercup avoid the sand and continue walking.]

Buttercup: Westley, what about the H.O.U.S.'s?

Westley: Hogs Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

[Westley braces himself, but nothing happens.]

Westley: I said, 'I don't think they exist.'

[Westley braces himself again, and nothing happens again.  Buttercup
looks around in confusion.]

Westley: [Cockily.]  See, I told you they don't exist.

[A large black boar comes out of nowhere and smashes into Westley.]

Narrator: [Conversational tone.]  The Hog Of Unusual Size.  A native to
          the Ryuugenzawa of this world.

[The pig knocks Westley into a tree, then backs up and snorts at him.
Westley springs to his feet and sticks his tongue out at the pig.  The
hog snorts again and rushes straight towards Westley, who dodges to the
side.]

Narrator: Known to like truffles and dislike the color black.

[The pig smashes into and through the tree, while Westley looks on with
disbelief.]

Narrator: H.O.U.S.'s have an incredible strength and a very heavy skull,
          making them a challenge for any would-be hunter.

Westley: Now you tell me!

[The hog runs out of the forest, directly at Buttercup.]

Buttercup: Westley!

Narrator: And no, it does not have a yellow bandanna around its neck.

[Westley strongly kicks the already battered tree, causing it to fall.
The tree lands directly on the pig before it can reach Buttercup.  The
tree splits in two where it hits the pig.  The hog turns and faces
Westley, looking much more angry.]

Westley: What're you going to do about it, pork chop?

[The pig charges towards Westley, who flips up and over it.  A quick
slurping sound is heard and Westley looks back to see the lightning sand
bubble slightly.]

Westley: Heh.  Piece of cake!

[Buttercup walks up to Westley with a worried expression.  She looks him
over quickly for any injuries.  Her expression changes to annoyance.]

Buttercup: You're supposed to be hurt.

Westley: Are you kidding?  P-chan gives me more of a work out than that
         slab of bacon did.

[Buttercup picks up a large limb from the fallen tree and hits Westley
over the head with it.]

Buttercup: Don't you dare start picking on P-chan!

[Scene: outside the Ryuugenzawa.  Westley and Buttercup exit the forest,
Westley having a few bumps on his head now.  Buttercup has her head
turned away from him.]

Buttercup: [Hissing at Westley.]  It's your own fault.  You could have
           just let the pig beat you up.  But nooooo.  You're the great
           Saotome Ranma.

Westley: [Muttering.]  Oh, shut up.

[Buttercup and Westley hear something crashing through the forest behind
them.  They turn and are shocked to see Prince Humperdinck and Count
Rugen exit the Ryuugenzawa.  Their clothing is torn in several places
and has sand sticking to it.]

Humperdinck: Surrender and I shall be merciful!  [Stands in a heroic
             pose.]

[Westley begins laughing loudly and Buttercup tries to hide her smile
behind a hand.]

Humperdinck: You dare to laugh at your betters, knave?

Westley: [Cracks his knuckles.]  I've had just about enough-

[Count Rugen blurs into movement.  After he stops he is carrying an
unconscious Westley and a struggling Buttercup.]

Count Rugen: What do you want me to do with these two?

Humperdinck: See that Princess Buttercup arrives safely back to the
             castle.  Take the scoundrel to my sister.  She may have
             some use for him.

Buttercup: You'd better not hurt Westley!

Humperdinck: He shall get only what he deserves for kidnapping you.

[Two horses suddenly appear.  Konatsu, wearing a blue jacket, peeks out
from behind them for a moment then disappears.  Count Rugen and Prince
Humperdinck mount.  Count Rugen rides off with Buttercup and Westley.
Humperdinck follows.]

Narrator: Now all was bleak across the land for the hero had been set
          upon by his wily adversary.

Humperdinck: [Slows the horse and peers at the scenery.]  Face me like a
             man, you fiend!

Narrator: Of course, wily may be too strong a word.

Humperdinck: [Draws his katana and points it skyward.]  The vengeance of
             heaven is slow but sure.

[A lightning bolt strikes the sword, leaving Prince Humperdinck slightly
blackened and smoking.]

Narrator: The vengeance of heaven is swift and brutal... and controlled by
          the narrator.

Humperdinck: That didn't hurt.

[Humperdinck falls off his horse.]

                                 *****

[Scene: the 'Pit of Despair.'  Westley is strapped to a large table.
His eyes are closed and his breathing is slow.  A letter lies next to
him.  There are a large variety of plants in the room, including some
black roses.  Kodachi bounds into the room wearing a very nice black
dress.]

Kodachi: Ohohoho!  [Notices Westley.]  What do we have here?

[Kodachi picks up the letter and reads it as Westley begins to groan.]

Kodachi: Ah!  Count Rugen has left me a new prisoner to play with.  How
         nice.

Westley: [Opening his eyes.]  Who are you?!

Kodachi: I'm Princess Angelina.  I'll be your torturer for the remainder
         of your stay here.  Ohohohoho!

Westley: [Warily.]  Torture?  What kind of torture?

Angelina (Kodachi): Hmm... [Reads the letter again.]  Count Rugen
                    suggested an experiment to determine how many drops
                    of water it takes to turn a man into a woman.

[Westley begins looking nervous.]

Angelina: I swear, the man makes no sense at times.

[Westley looks relieved.]

Angelina: But, it sounds like an excellent form of torture nonetheless!

[Princess Angelina rolls out what looks like a large bottled water
cooler and positions it with the spigot over Westley's head.  She turns
the tap a very tiny amount.  Several seconds pass as Westley watches
the spigot intently.  Finally, a single drop of water falls onto his
forehead.]

Angelina: [Sighs.]  I suppose this is going to take a while.

[Angelina walks to a desk and sits down.  She takes a Michigan Bulb
catalog out of the desk and begins flipping through it.  Westley
continues to stare at the spout.  Finally, another drop hits him.]

Westley: Get me outta here!

[Scene: Buttercup storming through the Castle.  At an intersection she
passes Count Rugen and Souun, who is dressed in very fine robes.]

The King (Souun): Is everything going according to our plan?

Count Rugen: Everything is working out perfectly, my friend.

The King: [Begins to cry, large streams of tears coming from his eyes.]
          I'm so happy!  Our families will soon be joined!

Count Rugen: Now, now, Tendou.  We must remain calm or someone might
             find out.

[Count Rugen leads the King further down the hallway.  Nabiki comes out
of a side passage, looks towards the two men briefly, then walks in the
other direction.]

                                 *****

Narrator:  The King died that very night, and before the following dawn,
           Buttercup and Humperdinck were married.  And at noon she met
           her subjects again, this time as their queen.

[Scene: a large group of people gathered in front of the castle.  Yuka
and Sayuri are in the crowd.  Humperdinck stands above the courtyard,
just as before.]

Humperdinck: My father's final words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and
             there will be joy.'

Yuka: That doesn't sound much like Kunou.

Sayuri: I guess the writer decided to lift some more of the original
        script.

Yuka: [Shrugging.]  Oh, well.  It's just a dream sequence, after all.

Sayuri: [Nodding in agreement.]  I'd rather hear this than one of his
        usual speeches, anyway.

Humperdinck: I present to you, your queen: Queen Buttercup.

[Buttercup comes out of the castle and the crowd bows to her.]

Gentle Voice: [Off screen.]  Boo.  Boo.  Boo.  Oh, my!

[The camera angle shifts and we see Kasumi standing before Buttercup.
She is dressed in rags, but her outfit appears to be perfectly arranged
despite that.  Buttercup face-faults.]

Buttercup: Kasumi?!

[Kasumi looks down at a piece of paper in her hands.]

Kasumi: [Looking at the paper with a neutral expression.]  I can't read
        this.  It's too... dirty.

[Buttercup stands back up, but looks rather nervous.]

Buttercup: Um... what are you doing here?

Kasumi: [Expression brightening.]  Oh, yes!  You should marry Westley.
        He's the one that you love.  [Turns to leave.]

Buttercup: Wait!  That's it?!

Kasumi: [Looking back at Buttercup.]  Isn't that enough?

[Scene: Buttercup's bedroom in the castle.  Buttercup sits up in her bed
suddenly.]

Narrator: It was the day of the wedding.  The king still lived, but
          Buttercup's... uh... nightmares continued.  Are you sure that
          that was a nightmare?

Buttercup: [Gets out of her bed and puts on a robe over her nightdress.]
           I was married to Humperdinck.  What part of that isn't a
           nightmare?

Narrator: Ah... good point.

[Scene: a finely furnished study.  Humperdinck sits at a desk, reading
some papers.  Nabiki enters the room.]

Humperdinck: [Looking up.]  Yellin.

Yellin (Nabiki): [Smirking.]  Sire.

Humperdinck: I need you to make sure that the castle is secure.  I will
             not have anyone interrupting my marriage to Princess
             Buttercup.

Yellin: I have the only key to the main gate.

Humperdinck: [Frowning.]  I also want you to assemble an honor guard.
                          It would be disastrous for the glorious
                          Buttercup to the frightened by some dirty
                          brigands on our wedding night.

Yellin: Fine.  But I will need the key to the treasury.

Humperdinck: [Shocked.]  For what reason?

Yellin: To hire a group of warriors to defend the castle.  [Smirking.]
        Unless you want to be your own honor guard.

Humperdinck: [Disgusted.]  Very well.  [Takes a small key out of his
             pocket and hands it to Yellin.]  Such barbarism.

[Yellin leaves the room.  Buttercup storms into the room and faces
Humperdinck.]

Buttercup: [Angry.]  What did you do with Westley?

Humperdinck: [Calmly.]  I have done nothing to that vagabond.

Buttercup: I heard you tell Count Rugen to give him to your sister!

Humperdinck: I doubt that she has harmed him.  You would do well to
             forget such trash.

Buttercup: Prince or not, I'm not going to marry you while Westley
           lives.

Humperdinck: It is obvious that this honorless cur has befuddled your
             thoughts.  Why not retire to your room and rest for a bit.
             I'm sure things will be much clearer when you awaken.

[Buttercup storms out of the room.  Prince Humperdinck sits quietly for a
few seconds, then stands and exits the room.]

[Scene: the Pit of Despair.  Princess Angelina is reading an issue of
the New England Journal of Medicine.  Westley is still male, but looks a
bit crazed.  Humperdinck strides into the room and over to the table to
which Westley is strapped.]

Humperdinck: Oh, devious man.  What cruel fate has allowed you to take
             from me the one thing that my heart fully desires?

Westley: [Singing.]  Raindrops keep fallin' on my head.

Humperdinck: I shall not be swayed by your crafty words.  We are mortal
             enemies, you and I.

Westley: [Singing.]  Drip, drip, drop, little April showers.

Humperdinck: Yes, just as the spring comes, so love grows anew each day.
             Surely you, my greatest rival, understand that almost as
             well as I.

Angelina: You are aware that he's in no condition to respond to you, I
          hope.

Humperdinck: [Annoyed.]  Then it would be appropriate for him to remain
             in such a state.

[Prince Humperdinck takes a single white rose from a nearby bush and
thrusts it under Westley's nose.]

Angelina: No!

[Westley stiffens for a moment, then his whole body goes slack.]

Humperdinck: [Coldly.]  I will not let anything interfere with my
             marriage to Buttercup.

[Prince Humperdinck leaves the pit, pausing to grab a bouquet of black
roses.  Princess Angelina sadly looks towards Westley.  A drop of water
splashes against his forehead.  Angelina shrugs, sits down, and
continues reading.]

                                 *****

[Scene: a small house.  Iniga sits at a table, drumming her fingers.
Her spatulas are laying to one side.]

Narrator: Still unable to find the six-fingered man and having been
          bested in combat, Iniga attempted to drown her cares... wait a
          minute.  Aren't you supposed to be drunk?

Iniga: Are you kidding?  I've never touched a drop of liquor.

Narrator: But-

Iniga: Furthermore, buster, I've got a contract that says I don't have
       to do that kind of thing.

Narrator: I understand, it's just-

[The door to the house explodes and Physique enters.]

Physique: Nihao!  Physique find six-fingered man!  I help you with him,
          then you help me find strong man for husband, yes?

Iniga: [Stands up and starts strapping on her spatulas.]  You know where
       the six-fingered man is?  That's great!  How'd you find him?

Physique: God in machine.  [She holds up a Newton palmtop.]

Narrator: Hey!  Wait just a second!

Iniga: Then what are we waiting for?

[Iniga and Physique run out of the building.]

Narrator: Oh, that's just dandy.

[Scene: a plain old fashioned forest.  Physique and Iniga are walking
towards the castle.]

Iniga: So where is this Count Rugen?

Physique: He in castle.  Gate guarded by seven people.

Iniga: Seven?  [Waves a hand in dismissal.]  That's no big deal.

Physique: These seven are Seven Lucky Gods martial artists.

Iniga: [Confused.]  I thought this 'fic was manga-based.

Physique: Physique not know.  But I have purple hair.

Iniga: [Serious.]  How many could you handle?

Physique: Two... maybe three.  I not get good chance in movie.

Iniga: Right.  At best, that leaves four for me.

[Iniga stops walking and shakes her head.  Physique stops as well and
turns towards her.]

Iniga: At my best I couldn't handle that many.  We need somebody else to
       help us.

Physique: [Shrugs.]  Vizzini gone.  Not know who else could help.

Iniga: No, not Vizzini.  The Girl in Black.  Look, she bested you at
       strength, your greatness.  She bested me with steel -- well,
       sort of.  She must have out-tricked Vizzini.

Physique: But how we find Girl in Black?

[An echoing laugh floats through the woods.  A hidden door in a nearby
tree opens and Princess Angelina steps out, carrying a female Westley.]

Angelina: Ohohoho!  I have discovered the answer to Count Rugen's
          question.  I must notify him immediately!

[Angelina closes the tree-door and turns around to receive a spatula to
the face.  As Angelina bounces off the tree, some black petals fall out
of her clothes and land on her face.]

Physique: [Picking up Westley.]  I think she dead.

Iniga: Dead!?  No, she can't be.  [Takes Westley away from Physique and
       starts shaking her.]  Not when I'm this close!

[Physique grabs Iniga's arms and stops her.]

Physique: No worry.  I know someone who might help.

Iniga: Help?  Who?  How?

[Scene: a small wooden hut.  Iniga and Physique approach the door.
Physique hands Westley to Iniga and knocks.  The door opens, revealing
Happosai.]

Happosai: Hotcha!  Well, don't just stand there, come in!

[Physique and Iniga hesitantly enter the hut as Happosai eyes them and
rubs his hands together.]

Physique: [Uncertainly.]  You Miracle Max?

Miracle Max (Happosai): You bet I am!  What can I do for two young,
                        beautiful, nubile... [He begins drooling.]

Iniga: We... uh... have a friend who needs help.

Miracle Max: Well then, don't just stand there.  Let me grope- I mean:
             let me examine her.

[Iniga reluctantly puts Westley on a low table in the center of the
room.]

Miracle Max: [Eyeing Westley's body.]  Now where should I begin?  I
             know!

[Miracle Max leaps towards the table and is sent rocketing through the
hut's ceiling via Westley's outstretched fist.  As Physique and Iniga
look on in shock, Cologne enters the room from the other side.]

Cologne: You're in luck.  You're friend is only mostly dead.

[Miracle Max falls out of the sky and crashes into the hut's floor.
Cologne hands Iniga a small pouch.]

Cologne: Take this Phoenix Pill and get going before he starts moving
         again.

[Physique quickly picks up Westley and ushers Iniga out the door.]

Miracle Max: [Whining.]  Did they have to leave so soon?  You always
             ruin my fun, Valerie.

Valerie (Cologne): Oh, stop complaining you old fool.  Neither of us is
                   getting much screen time.

                                 *****

[Scene: outside the castle at dusk.  Physique leans Westley against a
tree and pops the Phoenix Pill into her mouth.]

Iniga: How long does it take to work?

Physique: Physique not know.

[Westley's eyes open and she spots the two girls.]

Westley: What are you doing?  Where's Buttercup?

[Westley tries to shift into a defensive stance and falls down.]

Westley: [Frustrated.]  And why do I feel so weak?!

[Physique lifts Westley up and holds on to her.]

Iniga: Calm down, sugar.  You've been mostly dead for a while.

Physique: But we get miracle and now you help us.  [Confused.]  Why you
          want find Buttercup?  She get married to prince tonight.

Westley: Tonight!?  I've got to stop that wedding!

[Westley breaks free of Physique's grip and tries to rush forward, only
to fall on her face.  Iniga picks her up and leans her against a tree.]

Iniga: Your arms seem to be working fine, but I don't think you're
       stopping anything on your own.

Physique: Physique have deal for you.  You help break into castle and
          we help stop wedding.  I even no give you kiss of death.

Westley: [Smiling nervously.]  Kiss of death?

Physique: [Smiling nastily.]  You not want to know.

Westley: All right, I'll do it!  Who do I need to beat up?

Iniga: The Seven Lucky Gods team.

[Westley groans and slumps to the ground.  She clenches a fist in front
of her.]

Westley: If only-  [Pauses and stares at her first for a second.]  I've
         got it!

[Scene: in front of the cast gate.  The Seven Lucky Gods martial artists
are sitting in a semicircle, eating rice and pickled vegetables.]

Westley: [Off screen.]  Listen up!

[The camera pans to show Westley propped against a tree with her arms
crossed.  Physique and Iniga are standing a little ways away from her.
Kirin and company stand up and face the trio.]

Westley: You're going to let us through that gate or else!

Kirin: It is bad enough to be forced to act as a mercenary for a petty
       nobleman.  Kirin will not take orders from a commoner such as
       yourself.

Westley: [Cockily.]  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Now!

[Physique crouches and touches the ground.]

Physique: Bakusaitenketsu!

[The ground explodes in front of her.  Iniga swings her spatula over
Physique's head, scooping the pieces of dirt and flinging them towards
Westley.  Westley's hands blur and the shrapnel is re-directed towards
the seven martial artists.  Daihakusei, Daikokusei, and Ebiten are
knocked out by the attack.  Monron and Bishamonten are slightly stunned,
while Kirin and Muu aren't affected at all.]

Kirin: You have now incurred Kirin's wrath!

[The conscious members of Kirin's group prepare to attack.]

Yellin: [Off screen.]  People, people!

[Yellin walks out of the shadows and stands next to Kirin.]

Yellin: I'm sure that we can come to an understanding without further
        violence.

Kirin: The Seven Lucky Gods were hired to keep intruders out of the
       castle for this night.  These three wish entry.  What
       'understanding' could we possibly come to?

Yellin: [Smirking.]  You let them enter the castle and they'll let you
        go home.

Kirin: [Outraged.]  What?!

Yellin: [Whispering.]  Keep quiet and I'll double your pay.

[Yellin unlocks the castle's gate.  Kirin gestures abruptly and
Bishamonten swings it open.  Westley, Iniga, and Physique look at each
other.  Physique walks to Westley and slings her over her shoulder.
Physique and Iniga warily approach the gate.]

Westley: [Gives Yellin a questioning look.]  Why are you doing this?

Yellin: Do you really expect me to answer that?

[Westley glances at Kirin.]

Kirin: [Embarrassed.]  Do you have any idea how much it costs to pickle
       all of your food?

[Physique and Iniga look at each other and shrug.  Iniga enters the
castle with Physique following.]

Yellin: This is just too easy.

                                 *****

[Scene: Iniga and Physique, carrying Westley, are walking through a
stone hallway inside the castle.  Iniga occasionally opens a side door
and peers inside.]

Westley: I've been meaning to ask you: what happened to the narrator?
         He should have said something by now.

Physique: Narrator sulking.  Has wounded ego.

Narrator: I do not!

Iniga: [Facetiously.]  Oh, we believe you.

[They reach an intersection and Count Rugen comes around the corner,
almost bumping into Physique.]

Physique: Is Count Rugen!

Iniga: So, we finally meet!

Count Rugen: [Sweating.]  I-I think you have me confused with someone
             else.

Iniga: Hello, my name is Iniga Montoya.  Because of you, I've seen hell!

Count Rugen: But I'm not the six-fingered man!  See!

[Count Rugen holds up his left hand while hiding his right hand behind
is back.  Iniga narrows her eyes, grabs Count Rugen's right hand, and
pulls it out from behind his back.  Count Rugen's right hand has an
extra thumb.]

Iniga: You really are him!  What do you have to say for yourself before
       I smash you into next Monday?

[Count Rugen grabs Westley from Physique and dumps a kettle of hot water
on her.  Physique and Iniga gape as Westley changes.  Count Rugen pushes
the now-male Westley in front of him.  Westley braces himself against
Count Rugen's pushing.]

Count Rugen: Westley!  It's up to you to protect your dear old father!

Westley: [Shocked.]  What?!  You're not my father!

Count Rugen: Oh, but I am!  Such a sad tale of how your mother and I had
             to leave you under the care of a poor farmer!

Westley: Then how come I don't have two thumbs?!

Count Rugen: [Tears running down his face.]  The master said I would be
             able to perform the ultimate martial art technique.  The
             dreaded 'Sixth Finger of Doom.'  But I ended up with a
             thumb instead and the technique never worked!

[Westley turns around and hits Count Rugen over the head.]

Westley: That's stupid!

[Physique and Iniga recover from the shock of seeing Westley morph.]

Physique: Aiya!  Girl in Black really Guy in Black?

Iniga: [Disbelieving.]  He's the boy I was supposed to be engaged to?

[Westley turns around and looks at the two girls.  He puts a hand behind
his head and chuckles nervously.]

Westley: Sorry about this.

[Westley blinks, turns around, and notices that Count Rugen has
vanished.]

Westley: Hey!  Where'd he go?!

[Westley runs down a hallway.  Physique and Iniga stare after him for a
few seconds, glance at each other, then follow him.]

[Scene: intersection of two hallways in the castle.  Princess Angelina
is walking through the corridor, holding a hand to her head.  Westley
goes through the intersection in front of her.  The Princess blinks a
few times.]

Angelina: [Incredulously.]  He survived one of my poisonous roses!?
          [Enthusiastic.]  What a man!

[Princess Angelina chases Westley down the hall.]

[Scene: the castle's chapel.  Prince Humperdinck and Buttercup are
standing at the front of the chapel.  Buttercup is wearing a massive
white gown that hides her figure and she is holding a bouquet of black
roses.  A clergyman with very impressive clothing is standing in front
of them with his back toward the camera.  Count Rugen runs in and tugs
and the King's sleeve.]

Count Rugen: [Whispering.]  It's almost time.  Are you ready?

[The King nods in a serious manner.  The clergyman turns around.  His
cleric's headdress has been cut open and a pineapple rests inside.]

Clergyman (Principal Kunou): We be here to marry 'dis boy and 'dis girl.
                             Anybody who wanna speak up, better do it
                             now.

Westley: [Off screen.]  Hold it!

[Westley appears beside Buttercup and knocks the flowers from her hand.
She blinks grogily, but immediately notices Westley.]

Buttercup: Westley!

[Buttercup hugs Westley.  Westley grabs Buttercup and jumps to one side
as Prince Humperdinck slices through the space where he was with a
katana.]

Humperdinck: I shall not allow you to harm Buttercup, foul spirit!

[Count Rugen hits Humperdinck from behind with a mallet, knocking him
out.  The King grabs Buttercup and Westley in a hug and begins to cry.]

The King: Now are families will be joined!

Buttercup & Westley: What!?

Clergyman: [Protesting.]  I not be here to marry off 'dese two!

[Count Rugen holds out a ticket in front of the Clergyman.]

Count Rugen: Not even for a two week vacation in Hawaii?

[The Clergyman quickly snatches the ticket from Count Rugen.]

Clergyman: Right on, man!  Where we be 'den?  Anybody not wanna see
           'dese two get hitched?

[The door to the chapel explodes.  Physique, Iniga, and Princess
Angelina enter.]

Iniga, Physique, & Angelina: Stop!!

[The three girls rush towards Westley, Prince Humperdinck stands back
up, and the King and Count Rugen attempt to keep them all away from
Buttercup and Westley.  A brawl starts, raising a cloud of dust.  When
the dust clears, the King looks dazed and is wearing the groom's
clothes.  A person in the bride's dress is standing next to him with the
veil lowered and holding the bouquet of black roses.]

Clergyman: Ok!  We be getting on with 'dis then!  I make you hubby and
           wife!  Kiss 'de bride, man!

[The King slowly turns to the bride and lifts the veil, revealing the
face of a panda.  The King and Panda blink.  The King screams as the
Panda roars in fright.]

                                 *****

[Scene: a lavish bedroom.  A very large bed covered with white silk
sheets occupies the middle of the room.  No one is present.]

Narrator: Ha!  Serves them right.

[The door opens and Westley and Buttercup enter.  Westley closes the
door.]

Buttercup: What were our fathers thinking?

Westley: I dunno.  Must have been another one of Pops' crazy ideas.

Narrator: We're live.

Westley: Oops!  Ah... I...

[Buttercup gets back into character and fiercely hugs Westley.  They
both freeze as they realize what she just did.]

Narrator: [Teasing.]  Has anyone every told you that you make the cutest
          couple?

[Westley and Buttercup blush and scoot away.  They look away from each
other.  The remain silent for a few moments.]

Buttercup: Well, I don't guess the wedding would have been so bad.

[Westley looks at Buttercup in horror.]

Buttercup: [Quietly.]  With the right person at my side.

[Westley's look changes to surprise and he smiles at Buttercup.]

Westley: You know-

[The door is blown of its hinges and Prince Humperdinck strides through,
wearing a kendo outfit and surrounded by a red aura.]

Humperdinck: Hold rascal!  I shall not let you abscond with the Princess
             Buttercup!

[Humperdinck charges towards Westley, bringing his katana to bare.]

Westley: [Annoyed.]  That's it!

[Westley dodges Humperdinck's attack and raises a fist into the air.]

Westley: Hiryuu Shouten Ha!

[A spiral of wind picks Humperdinck up and slams him into the roof of
the room.  He then falls to the floor, unconscious.]

Buttercup: You know, you could at least try to stay in character!

Westley: [Confused.]  What'd I do?

Buttercup: You're supposed to still be weak from death!

Westley: [Smirks.]  Well in that case, I definitely used the right
         technique.  Besides, can I help it if I recover so fast from
         being such a great martial artist?

Buttercup: [Angry.]  I ought to-

Narrator: Isn't it about time that you two rode into the sunset or
          something?

[Buttercup's anger deflates and she sighs.  Turing and looking out of
the room's window, she sees an empty courtyard.]

Buttercup: Aren't there supposed to be some horses down there?

Westley: [Standing beside her.]  I know they were there earlier.  I
         wonder what happened to them.

[Scene: a line of five horses galloping into the sunset.  The front
horse has a rider, the others have large treasure chests strapped to
them.]

Narrator: And they all lived... uh... happily ever after?

[The horses slow and the rider, Yellin, turns to face the camera.]

Yellin: Of course.  But some lived more happily than others.  [She grins
        and urges her horse forward.]

Narrator: The End.

Westley: [Off screen.]  Hey!  What about us?

Narrator: Oh, yes.  I nearly forgot.

[Scene: the honeymoon suite in the palace.  Humperdinck is still
unconscious.]

Narrator: And the two lovebirds walked to school, holding each others'
          hands.

Buttercup & Westley: [Utterly confused.]  Huh?

[The wall next to the open door explodes and Physique, Iniga, and
Princess Angelina enter.  They immediately glomp onto Westley.]

Physique: Airen!

Iniga: Wes-chan!

Angelina: Sir Westley!

[Fade to black.]

Westley: [Off screen.]  You call that an ending?!

[Cue ending music, "Wag the Dog" by Mark Knopfler.]

Westley: [Frustrated, off screen.]  Can't you at least get the music
         right?

Narrator: [Defensively.]  Well, it's the correct author.

Yellin: [Off screen.]  Makes perfect sense to me.



                                  Cast

          Buttercup:                        Tendou Akane

          Westley/Girl in Black/Ryouko:     Saotome Ranma

          Physique:                         Shampoo

          Iniga Montoya:                    Kuonji Ukyou

          Vizzini:                          Pantyhose Tarou

          Prince Humperdinck:               Kunou Tatewaki

          Princess Angelina Contessa
          Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna
          Bo Besca the Third:               Kunou Kodachi

          Count Rugen:                      Saotome Genma

          Booing Woman:                     Tendou Kasumi

          Miracle Max:                      Happosai

          Valerie:                          Cologne

          Unimpressive Clergyman:           Principal Kunou

          King:                             Tendou Souun

          Yellin:                           Tendou Nabiki

          Voice of Narrator:                Josh 'I tricked you into
                                            reading an SI!' Green

          Propmen:                          Hibiki Ryouga
                                            Mousse
                                            Kenzan Konatsu

          H.O.U.S. Performer:               Katsunishiki


Narrator: Ya'll come back now, ya hear?


Ranma 1/2 copyright Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz
Communications.  "The Princess Bride" copyright Twentieth Century Fox
Film Corporation.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Josh Green, aka Pi -- SORT@BUCKET.UALR.EDU
       http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/
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