SoulDrake wrote:

 That was when he was aware the priest was speaking to him. He blinked
twice, focusing his mind back to reality. "Huh?" he said intelligiently,
not sure what the priest had said.

3rd sentence - "he said intelligently" In so far as the story is being
      told from his point of view, I doubt that he'd make a sarcastic
      remark pertaining to his intelligence.

Actually, it is being told in 3rd person. It can have the sarcasm, but it
really shouldn't be there. If it were truly from Ranma's point fo view, the
he/him would be replaced with I/me.

Hmm...  Depends on whether its 3rd person omniscient or limited.
3PO allows the narrarrator to make outside comments, but I'd 
hesitate in a 3PL - The POV is supposed to represent the main
character's after all.

Most Japanese, so I'm told, like western style weddings. If I'm not
mistaken, the "death do us part" is interpreted as when both members of the
marrige die. The Japanese, if I remember correctly, do not believe in
afterlife. I could be wrong, I will not claim to be an expert on Japan or
the Japanese people so if I'm wrong, I'm wrong and ignore this part.

Hmm...  I actually am not entirely sure either.  Its just that
the Crane is a favored animal in Japan, and one that is linked
with marriage, to my knowledge.  Cranes mate for life, and when
one mate dies, the other will pine away until it dies.  I suppose
if they don't believe in afterlife, its a moot point, but I was
under the impression that they took marriage as something which
transcended life and death.

Ok. Its not bad, but there are some things that need to be smoothed out.
I'm not really going to say much here, because you'll get too much of this
to do you any good. Anyway, you chose a 3rd person, omnicent author point
of view here (we can read Ranma's thoughts) If that's the case, you really
should include Akane's fears, and thoughts toward this as well, and switch
off between the two. Otherwise, I would suggest going completely into 1st
person with Ranma telling the story. I'd be happy to read and comment on
the second draft when it is posted.

Is this 3rd Omn, or 3rd Lim?  If 3PO, then follow Souldrake's
suggestions.  If 3PL, then its fine except for the sarcastic
comment about Ranma's intelligence, IMO.

-skeezy5