"That's another thing. Our genetic trait is supposed to be absolutely
secret. Our school's principal and our doctor are the only ones in the
area who know about it."

"Do you have any idea what would happen if our secret got out?"
Futaba explained. "We'd all probably become scientific guinea pigs or
something."

Ranma considered it for a moment. "All right. You have my word of
honour that I will never tell another soul about your weird problem."

A reasonable response, but you might show Ranma thinking for a
second - perhaps enjoying the idea of Akane-kun tied to an
examining table... then his female is wheeled in on a stretcher.

That's a thought. Will do.

That was good enough for the other two. Few serious martial artists
would go back on an oath like that.

"You're one of us now too, you know," said Futaba. "If you ever tell 

an

outsider about the Shimeru trait, you had better trust him or her
completely. According to ancient tradition, if an outsider betrays the
secret, you will be forever banished from the tribe unless the traitor
can be silenced."

"All right, I get your point already, so--" He was cut off by Genma,

who

had run up behind him on the fence and struck him in the head with his
good hand.

Ranma should probably dispute that he is the same as them... "I wasn't
born this way, and I'll find a cure for my curse some day".

Give Genma a *GOOD* reason to be after him. ^_^

Possibly.

"Don't take this so lightly!" Genma roared. "Do you know how much
trouble I went to to-"

Ranma kicked him into the canal. "You know what, Pop? I don't care. I
never agreed to your screwball scheme." He hopped down from the
fence...right into a rain puddle.

"Aw, man!" Ranma-chan complained as she tightened her belt. "I think
I'll go take a bath." She turned to head back to the Tendou home.

"We'll be late!" said Futaba.

"All we have to do is pour hot water on you, right? Come on. I know
where we can get some," said Akane.

All in all, Akane is being a little too reasonable and helpful here.
Given the setup at school, there is no reason why Female-Ranma
couldn't turn up, unlike the original series, there is no compelling
reason for Ranma to revert to his true gender.

Akane and Futaba should tell Ranma that there will be hot water
at school and that he can transform as soon as they get there.

I would, except that Ranma still needs to encounter Kunou and leave a 
bad first impression on him. However, I will try to make Akane slightly 
more hostile.

"Oh, did I startle you? This is just Betty-chan, my skeleton. Lovely
complexion, eh?"

"Ranma, here's the-" Akane came running in, nearly knocking Ranma
chan over in the process. "Oh, Dr. Tofu! Good morning!" she said,
bowing, as she noticed the young man.

Another scene that seems copied from the manga.  You're improving,
this is the first truly blatant one this chapter.

This is another reason that I won't have Ranma arrive at school as a 
girl. I could just have Ranma not get wet the first time, but that would 
mean removing this scene entirely, and I still want to introduce the 
doctor here. Maybe I should drop it, but I would then need to have 
another reason to make Ranma and Akane arrive several minutes after 
Futaba. I could have them arrive together, allowing uus to watch the 
carnage, but that would mean that I couldn't have Futaba be the one to 
save Ranma from Kunou, and I really don't want it to be Genma or Capt. 
Coconut who saves her.

"Good morning to you, Akane." The doctor bowed. "I haven't seen you
around lately. Nothing new going on at your house, I trust."

"Not really."

"Oh, I don't believe I've been introduced to your friend here," said

the

doctor.

"Um, Akane?" Ranma-chan tried to get her attention.

"Oh. This is Ranma. He's staying with us at my house."

"He?" Realisation dawned on the doctor. "Oh, I see."

"Akane?"

"What?"

"We're gonna be late if we don't go *now*."

"Oh, you're right! See you later, Doctor!" She ran out the door.

Ranma-chan followed, pausing just long enough to use the hot water to
change back to male once she was out of the doctor's sight before
continuing. He really didn't have time to explain the curse to the
doctor.

Hmmm... Akane doesn't seem attracted to Tofu-Sensei; so I ask you:
Was it necessary to introduce him at this point?

The hot water was unnecessary at this instant, there is no real reason
why Futaba and Akane couldn't simply drag Ranma to school and
transform him there.  Onna-Ranma *IS* going to be around, your
setup (as well as the curse) insures that.

In the original, the visit to Tofu served to show Akane's crush on the
doctor, here it is a digression that serves no obvious purpose
except to introduce Tofu.  And does that have to happen yet?  Might
it not work better to introduce him after school when Ranma (or Akane
or Futaba) actually needs attention.

Could you suggest another diversion to make Ranma and Akane arrive 
several minutes after Futaba?

He looked around briefly. Furinkan  High looked pretty much like any
normal high school that he had seen (though, to tell the truth, he
hadn't
seen very many), with its monolithic main building surrounded by
various outbuildings and parklike fields. What he hadn't expected to
see,
though, were the some three dozen young men strewn across the
courtyard in varying states of unconsciousness.

"What the--?"

"It looks like Futaba had some fun this morning,' Akane commented
offhand.

Nicely done.  Showing the aftermath of the fight rather than the fight
itself.

Arigatou.

"Man, is this guy weird or what?" said Ranma.

Kunou turned to face Ranma. "Who are you, boor, that you dare to
mock me?!"

"Well, I'm-"

"But is it not the custom to give one's own name first?" interrupted
Kunou. "Fine then, mine I shall give! The rising new star of the high
school Kendo world, I remain undefeated. The mere mention of my
name strikes fear in the hearts of men. I am called the Blue Thunder 

of

Furinkan  High." He raised his bokutou, and thunder crashed in the
background, as if on cue. "Tatewaki Kunou, age seventeen."

Ranma strained to keep from laughing. "The...the Blue...Thunder!?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Why would Ranma laugh like this?  It makes for a good scene, but
it seems a little odd.  Kunou has just finished an introduction that
in the original left Ranma stammering.  While copying the original is
not a good thing, this difference seems unwarrantedly large.

May I suggest adding something to the scene to explain Ranma's
humour.   For me at least, it is jarring and out of place.

Possibly because Kunou is another absurdity to add to an absurd day.

"You dare to mock the Blue Thunder?!" Kunou charged at the laughing
Ranma.

Ranma leaped out of the way. "I'm Ranma Saotome, heir to the
Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts." He tossed his
schoolbag aside and took an attack stance. "And I accept your
challenge."

"I shall make an example of you of the fate of those who deem to 

insult

the name of Kunou." Kunou charged at Ranma, but Ranma dodged, and
Kunou's bokutou went *through* the stone wall of the schoolyard,
leaving a sizeable hole.

Standard fight.  Nice mix of familiar and different.

Thank you. I still needed to retain the final result of the fight, so I 
kept some parts, but I didn't want to keep too much. Besides, he has no 
reason to deny a claim to Akane to Kunou's face.

Ranma approached Kunou, dodging each of his strikes. "Listen...I...
just...wanna...know...what...this...business...about...Akane...is all
about."

'Wow, he's fast,' thought Akane. 'Kunou didn't even have time to
blink!'

'He's good,' thought Kunou. Not a single one of his strikes had even
come close to striking his opponent.

Ranma leaped back, landing in the branches of a nearby tree. Kunou
swiped at the tree, slicing through its trunk as easily as if he

wielded

a
chainsaw, but Ranma had already leaped free. Thunder crashed as
Ranma descended toward Kunou. A heavy rain began to fall.

However at this point the scene tends a little too much towards the
original.  But to be fair, I can't think of a reason why this should be
different.

Neither could I. I wanted to keep the same aftermath (Ranma's bruise, 
writing on Kunou's forehead, and Ranma needing to be "saved" before 
anybody saw him change).

At that exact moment, three blurs appeared, each from a different
direction. A large black-and-white blur sped in from the main gate. A
green and brown blur descended from the roof of the school's main
building. A green and blue blur zoomed out of the doors of the main
building. Within a second, all three blurs simultaneously converged on
the two combatants. Actually, collided with the combatants is more 

like

it. The green and blue blur grabbed Ranma-chan from her position in
midair and sped back into the building carrying her slung over its

back.

The green-and-brown blur fled the scene almost immediately, but the
black-and-white blur, which now resolved itself to be a giant panda,
remained, staring after the first two blurs.

"What the--?" Akane asked herself.

You might like to leave Genma out of this scene, perhaps if Ranma
were to aggravate his injuries in the earlier scene, and a damaged
Panda could limp home there.  Remember that in the original, Genma
was unhurt, here Genma is carrying wounds and Ranma is far more
upset with him.

Check. I'll remove Genma since he is superflous.

Overall... Not bad.

If you took my advice about the Tofu scene (dropping it), then
Onna-Ranma would be arriving with Akane which would lead to
a different dynamic with Kunou.  (Avoid the wait, have Onna-
Ranma flatten him faster). ^_^

I'd really rather keep the same first impression of Ranma that Kunou 
gets, but I may change to what you suggest if you can suggest a suitable 
delay for Ranma and Akane.

Ranma was perhaps a little fast to pick up on Futaba, given that
Futaba-chan bears little resemblance to Futaba-kun,

Possibly, but who else does Ranma know who would prompt him to guess? 
MAybe I should have Ranma make one wrong guess, then Futaba will laugh, 
and Ranma will recognize the owner of the laugh.

The principal's office had a rather...unusual decoration scheme. The
general idea seemed to be to simulate a day at Waikiki Beach. To this
end, the walls were painted with a beach landscape, phoney palm trees
stood in the corners of the room, and taped ukulele music was playing

in

the background. The furniture was made from wicker, except for the
principal's desk chair, whose back seemed to be cut to resemble a
surfboard.

The principal himself was dressed in a loud Hawaiian shirt and khakis,
and had what appeared to be a miniature plastic palm tree strapped to
the top of his head. At least Ranma thought it was plastic. It was

quite

obvious that the principal suffered from the syndrome commonly known
as Hawaiimania.

Never heard of it.  ^_^

Sounds awful. ^_^

The principles presence is a significant change.  Given that he is
technically the head of the Kunou Family, you might want to think
about changes to Kunou and Kodachi that could be linked to his
being here.

Kunou rebels against his father's authority, and is thus even less 
submissive to authority in general (as if such a thing were possible), 
and Kodachi will be a bit less out of control (though she will still try  
to ambush Akane).

"Aloha, Miss Tendou. What can Ah be doin' fo' you today?" the
principal said to Akane.

"Well, you see, this is Ranma Saotome. He's staying with us, and we
sorta need you to make the usual, um...arrangements."

"Ah. Say no more. One double registration comin' right up."

Another significant change is the principals attitudes, he's far too
helpful to be Takahashi's principal.  No problems yet, but keep
the differences in mind.

Okay. He's still a rules fanatic, but he doesn't make really stupid 
ones. For example, the "tardiness week" scheme would be appropriate for 
him, but not the haircuts-unless-somebody-finds-the-secret- 
exemption-in-a-coconut scheme.

The principal rummaged through his wicker desk. "You will be
understandin', Saotome, dat you will be needin'' to take a couple 'a'
classes separately, since boys an' girls have different requirements 

at

dis school."

"What?! Nobody told me I'd have to take classes as a *girl*."

"Trust me, Keikki. It be much simpler dis way. Dis way you be havin' a
complete set 'a' records fo' both yo' forms. Dat's a little trick my

ol'

colleague Hirouin taught me. He been my good friend all these years, 

so

when he come to me an' says, 'Hey, I got dis family, an' a couple 'a'
their kids are gettin' ready fo' high school, but yo' see, they got 

dis

special 'problem' dat needs to be stayin' a secret,' I says "Shore
thing,'
an' dat's how it all started." He resumed rummaging through his desk.

The Principal also seems far more rational than Takahashi's
principal.  If you plan on Ranma using a different name as a
girl, then now would be a good time for it to be brought up.

Futaba uses the same name for both forms, and Ranma is pigheaded enough 
to insist on still being Ranma.

"Yeah, and check this out." Nabiki pulled something off of his back

with

a ripping sound. It was a red post-it with the message, "Don't think
you've escaped yet, boy!" It was signed "Captain Coconut".

"Blast you, Captain Coconut! I shall wreak my revenge upon you yet!"

Oh.  Is there an ongoing feud between Captain Coconut and the mighty
Blue Blunder?

Kunou doesn't know that CC is his father, but if he did, it would make 
him even angrier.




Phil

prohackr@hotmail.com


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