When I first posted this thing.. I posted a prologue and three episodes.
I'm reposting those three episodes, and adding six more on the end. ;-)
For those of you who read the first version, I made no major changes
there.. so do a search for "Episode 4" to jump ahead to the new stuff.
This fanfic is located on my website:
http://www.tiac.net/users/mattera
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[Drum roll!]
[Curtain starts to rise!]
[Lights come on!]
[Revealed is SD-Luigi standing on stage wearing a pink gi.]
SD-L: Wai! Wai! Hello out there in anime-type-land! I'm here, like
any other good little SD figure [Sticks tongue out.] to introduce
this fanfic.
[Microphone floats down from the ceiling, and SD-L grabs it. He
starts to pace back and forth across the stage.]
Naturally, some of you may wonder what the heck this is.
Well, I ain't gonna tell you! So there! PPBBTTTHHH!
[SD Hook quietly floats across stage to SD-L.]
[SD-L doesn't see hook.]
Thaats RIGHT! You'll get nothing out of me, copper! Not a
single word! I ain't no stoolie!
What I will say, is this: THIS FANFIC IS AN ORIGINAL, okay?
No stupid copyright infringements here, brother! Just me and my
lonesome! Eat THAT! [SD-L flexes arm.]
Now, in case some of you are wondering, this fanfic, this whole
routine, is a JOKE! GET IT? Don't take this seriously, okay
dudes?
[Mutters.] Damn PC-bull.. Oops! Drat! I can't say that. Want
to keep the fanfic rated PG as long as possible.
[SD-L notices hook, sweatdrop forms on head.]
In any case, what inspired me to write this fanfic is a desire to
write completely and totally off the wall humor.
I would like to thank the following for inspiration:
1. Justy Ueki Tylor,
2. Lord Edmund Blackadder, Cousin to the Queen,
3. Edmund Blackadder the third, Butler to the prince,
4. Captain Edmund Blackadder, Officer during the Great War,
and last but certainly not least,
5. All those fanfic drinking games!
[Hook closes in.]
Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!
[SD-L rolls offstage, and the hook looks around confused.]
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"Noname" Productions presents:
-T-H-E- -U-L-T-I-M-A-T-E- -P-O-W-E-R-!
A totally off the wall fanfic,
by Luigi Mattera.
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Prologue
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[Sun shines high in the sky on a beautiful spring day.]
[Zoom in on downtown New York City, an itty bitty little figure
sandwiched between the huge skyscrapers that adorn Manhattan.]
[We see the main character, one Dan Williams, quietly walking down East
33rd street, right next to the Empire State Building.]
[He wears a dark blue business suit and a bright green tie.]
Dan: [Sighs.] What a rotten week this has been for me. If I have to
scramble around for one more "high and mighty" middle manager,
then I think I'm going to puke. [Looks up at the sky.] Shit.
What a nice day out. If that isn't a bad omen, then I don't know
what is.
[A huge pillar of light beams down, directly focused on Dan. Before he
even has a chance to blink, he is sucked off of Manhattan isle and into
an unknown void.]
Dan: Speak of the devil. Now where the hell am I? [Looks around.]
This sure isn't New York. [Pauses.] Then again, I don't know
of anywhere else like that city.
Voice: You, Williams, have been summoned from your home for a purpose.
Dan: Well, duh. I didn't think you were going to ask me out.
[A sweatdrop falls down the voice's head.]
Voice: Do not mock me, Williams. The fate of a world depends on you.
Dan: Hmph. [Dryly.] Just how believable is this supposed to be?
Voice: If you do not accept this, then millions will die.
Dan: Only millions on a whole planet? Who is in charge of reproduction
anyway? I've got a few tips for him.
[Dan turns to the camera.]
Dan: Kiss that PG rating goodbye!
[SD-L facefaults.]
[A bigger sweatdrop falls down the voice's head. Another voice can be
heard in the background.]
Voice': Are you _sure_ about this?
Voice: Damn it, we have no choice in the matter.
Dan: [Pacing back and forth.] [Thinking.] How can I possibly survive
this mess? These two are probably going to send me to my death.
I swear it feels like some animated..
[Dan's eyes go wide, and a feral grin slowly spreads across his
face.] An..i..m..a..t..ed..
Voice': I still say that we should get that Chow Yun-Fat fellow.
Voice: We've already gone through this once before. I said no!
[The two voices start to argue.]
Dan: [Scratches head.] [Mutters.] This is pathetic. Hmm.. I wonder.
[Raises voice.] Hey, you there!
Voice: [Irritated.] I have a name, you know.
Dan: Well exuse yourself for not telling me.
Voice: [Grumbles.] My name is Bazgar Himoto. Now, what it is you
wished to say?
Dan: [Smiles.] I'll take the job.
[Voice' starts to dance, but Bazgar shushes him.]
Voice: Really? Are you sure? I would not take this position lightly.
Dan: I'll do it.. on one condition.
[Voice' facefaults. Bazgar grumbles.]
Bazgar: Very well, what is your desire?
Dan: [Innocently] Now, if I'm to understand correctly, you're going
to dump me somewhere with no prior training or aid, right?
Voice': Not true!
[Bazgar shakes his hand at Voice', making hushing sounds.]
Dan: Oh, really? You mean I'm going to get some cool powers?
Bazgar: [Really grumbling.] Yes, you will.
Dan: [Grins evilly.] Excellent! Then I want to choose. That is my
only condition.
Bazgar: [Sighing with relief.] That's all? Very well, what is it you
want then?
Dan: [Chuckling.] Come here where I can see you. Assure me that this
isn't some grand joke.
Bazgar: If you insist.
[Bazgar appears next to Dan. Dan scratches his head at the short old
hermit standing in front of him.]
Dan: Is everyone on your world this short?
Bazgar: [Shaking head.] No, they aren't. [Looks up at Dan.] Why do
you ask?
Dan: I like my women taller than you are. Much taller.
[Bazgar facefaults.]
Voice': [Booming] Enough with the foolery! State your request!
Dan: Very well.
[Dan leans down to Bazgar's ear and whispers something. The grin on his
face is impossible to miss.]
Bazgar: No.. not that.. anything but that..
[Switch to the Mir space station floating in Earth orbit. One of the
cosmonauts working on the station hears a faint echo.]
Bazgar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The cosmonaut taps the radio in his helmet.]
Cosmonaut1: Did anyone just hear something?
Cosmonaut2: Not a thing, why?
Cosmonaut1: Never mind. The damned radio is malfunctioning again.
[Switch back to Dan.]
Dan: [Laughing.] You did say _anything_.
Bazgar: [Frozen in shock.] ......
Voice': Do it.
Bazgar: [Still frozen!] ......
Voice': I said DO IT!
Bazgar: [Nodding mutely.] So Williams requests, so it shall be. God
help us all.
Dan: [Quizzically] Aren't _you_ a god?
[Bazgar facefaults.]
Voice': Let the journey begin!
[A bright light flashes, covering everything. When it subsides, Dan is
nowhere to be found.]
Bazgar: [Completely out of it] It.. was.. just.. a.. figure.. of..
speech.
Voice': I think he'll do just fine. [Grins evilly.] I like his style.
[Bazgar turns to Voice' and the two of them start to argue again.]
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Episode 1
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[Cut to a forest under a clear blue sky. All is peaceful. Birds are
chirping, deer quietly grazing..]
[The happiness is pierced by a scream as Dan comes falling down from the
sky. With a WHUMP he lands in a soft bush.]
Dan: [Getting up.] Ouch. What a nasty way to travel. [He sighs, and
looks around.] Let's get this show on the road, shall we?
[Dan pulls out his Newton and starts to scribble.]
Dan: Okay. [Puts Newton away.] I can work with this. Hmm.. In a
forest, let me see..
[Dan cups his left hand to his mouth.]
Dan: Quiet on the set, quiet on the set! [A short pause.] And..
ACTION!
[Dan starts to walk down the road.]
Dan: Cue beautiful woman in 3.. 2.. 1.. go!
[A beautiful woman comes running across the path, screaming. Dan
doesn't pay any attention to her.]
Dan: Excellent! Stupendous! Cue hideous monster in 3.. 2.. 1.. go!
[A monster barrels out of the bush, chasing after the woman. It lets
loose a blood curdling roar.]
[Dan ignores the roar and simply sticks his foot out. The monster trips
over Dan's foot, and crashes head first into a rock. CRUNCH!]
Dan: .. And that's a wrap! [Looks at monster.] Eww.. [He bends
down.] If I were you, Frank, I'd have the set doctor take a look
at that head injury. [Pauses.] I suppose it doesn't really
matter anymore.
[The beautiful woman comes staggering back on to the path.]
Woman: Thank you, oh powerful stranger.
[Dan ignores her, writing on his Newton again.]
Dan: [Muttering.] Lone beautiful woman being chased by..
[The woman takes Dan's hands in hers.]
Woman: I said "Thank you." Do you not speak my language?
Dan: [Looking up.] Oh, sorry. Hold on a second, okay?
Woman: [Confused.] Okay.
Dan: Say, are you a princess?
Woman: [Nodding.] Why, yes I am.
Dan: Thanks. Now where was I? Oh yes. Better scratch that then.
..princess being chased by hideous monster, check!
Woman: [Staring at Newton.] What are you doing, stranger?
Dan: Oh. [Shrugs.] Just keeping track of all the cliches I run into.
[A sweatdrop forms on the woman's head.]
Woman: "Cliches?"
Dan: [Shaking head.] Never mind. So, I could ask you why you're out
here all by yourself..
[The woman blushes furiously.]
Dan: ..but I know better than to try. [He looks back down at his
Newton.] Crappy royal security, check!
Woman: [Angry.] Now wait a second!
Dan: [Looking back up again.] What's your name, anyway?
Woman: [Confused.] Amy Fujimaki.
Dan: Well then, Amy. [Bows.] Dan Williams, at your service. [Offers
her his arm.] Shall we get going?
Amy: [Blushing.] Yes, let's. Are you the savior from afar?
Dan: [Chuckles.] You could say that.
Amy: [Looking Dan over.] You aren't.. dressed like I would picture a
hero to be dressed.
Dan: [Shrugs.] We can fix that, can't we, princess?
Amy: [Nodding.] Yes, we will help you on your journey.
Dan: [Grins.] Then I can finally take this stupid tie off.
Amy: [Confused.] Tie?
Dan: [Unwinding tie.] This long strip of cloth.
Amy: [Still confused.] Oh, I see.
Dan: [Looks down at Amy's belt.] Can I borrow your knife?
Amy: [Really confused.] Sure.. I think.
[Dan takes the knife, and proceeds to hack the tie to shreds.]
Amy: Why did you do that?
Dan: [Chuckling.] You'll find out soon enough. I hate wearing those
things.
Amy: Won't you be needing it again?
Dan: [Shaking head.] Not anymore. [Looks up into sky.] Oh, look.
Amy: [Looking up.] What? I don't see anything..
Dan: [Points thumb behind him.] Your followers have finally caught up
with you.
Amy: [Whirls around.] [Sees army in distance.] I can barely see them
from here.
Dan: Pretty slow, aren't they?
Amy: [Looking at Dan intently.] How.. how did you know?
Dan: A hero knows these things.
Amy: [Nodding.] I see. Shall we wait for them?
Dan: [Looking Amy in the eyes.] Actually, I'd rather lose them, if you
understand my meaning..
Amy: [Blushes furiously and turns away.] I'm a princess.. I don't do
stuff like that! It isn't proper!
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Meaning later she'll turn out to be completely
insatiable. [Grins.]
Amy: Did you say something?
Dan: Oh, look. They see us. [He waves.]
[Amy looks down.]
Dan: I see.. Ran off without telling anyone, now did we?
Amy: Yes.. I did.
Dan: [Shrugs.] Whatever.
Amy: [Irritated.] Don't you care to know?
Dan: Let me guess. [Taps finger to cheek.] You got bored, right?
Amy: Um ...
Dan: You wanted a change of scenery, right?
Amy: [Fidgets.] Uh ...
Dan: You didn't expect to be attacked by a monster, right?
Amy: [Frustrated.] Hold on! How do you know that?
Dan: [Chuckles.] A magician refuses to reveal the secrets of his
trade.
Amy: [Surprised.] You use magic?
Dan: [Looking off.] You could say that.
[The soldiers catch up to the princess. A man wearing regal armor walks
up to Dan and Amy.]
Man in armor: Your highness, must you run off like a spoiled child?
Amy: ....
[Dan snickers.]
[Amy glares at Dan, but keeps her attention fixed on the guard in front
of her.]
Amy: Galeck, I'm not a child anymore!
Galeck: If your parents learned of what you do.. they would lock you up
in your room and never let you out!
Dan: [Worried.] Just how old are you anyway princess?
Amy: [Distracted.] Twenty-two. [She turns to glare at Dan.] That
isn't a proper question to ask a lady!
Dan: [Thought.] _Not_ jail bait! Whoohoo!
[Spoken.] Or are you the heir to your throne?
Galeck: [Solemnly] That she is. I wish she would take her
responsibilities more seriously.
Amy: [Turns back to Galeck.] Don't you dare go telling me what to do!
[Galeck and Amy get into a long argument while Dan simply pulls out his
Newton and starts to scribble. A curious soldier walks up to him.]
Soldier: What are you doing?
Dan: Taking notes, nothing more.
Soldier: [Confused.] I see.
Dan: Say, what's your name?
Soldier: George, sir.
Dan: [Groans.] I should have known. [Aside to the camera.] Don't you
dare keep puns like that one coming!
[SD-L sticks his tongue out at Dan in reply. Dan ignores SD-L.]
Dan: [Turns to George.] Anyway, George, I take it we are heading
straight back to the palace?
George: Yes sir.
Dan: Excellent. Let's get going then.
Galeck: [Turning back to Dan.] Now wait just a second!
Dan: [Puts Newton away.] Yes, Galeck?
Galeck: We can't just go marching back to the palace!
Dan: [Yawns.] And why not?
Galeck: [All puffed up.] We could be attacked! We have to make sure
that nothing harms the princess!
[Amy blushes in the background. She is about to start arguing with
Galeck again, but Dan waves her off.]
Dan: [Sighs.] Galeck, I can guarantee that we won't be attacked before
reaching the palace.
Galeck: And just how do you know?
Dan: Same reason I knew just how far behind the princess you were.
Galeck: [Turns pale.] Are you a sorcerer?
Dan: Does it matter?
Galeck: [Turns red.] What are you saying?! Of course it matters!
Dan: [Aside to the camera.] Stuffy old codger, ain't he?
[To Galeck.] Not to you it does. Face it, if I wanted the
princess dead, I could have easily killed her.
Galeck: Are you threatening the princess?!
Dan: [Looks over at Amy.] Nah. She's too cute.
[Amy flushes hotly in response.]
Galeck: [Flustered.] Why.. you..
Dan: Whatever. Let's get moving. It's getting dark.
Galeck: [Distractedly looks up at the sky.] Knave! How do you know
what time it is? [To guards.] It's getting dark. [Shouts.]
Move out, people!
Dan: [Grinning.] Easy enough.
Amy: [Curious.] You're sure we won't be attacked?
Dan: Positive.
Amy: I'm not sure if I believe you.
Dan: [Shrugs.] You'll see soon enough.
Amy: Very well. [Pauses.] I should warn you, the trip from here is a
long and treacherous one.
Dan: [Yawns.] In that case I'll shorten it.
Amy: [Very confused.] How will you do that?
Dan: [Grins.] Easy as.. [Shouts.] Cue the end credits!
[A big sweatdrop appears on Amy's head as the Episode comes to a halt.]
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Episode 2
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[The sun rises slowly in the distance as the army marches through a
forest. Amy sits in the middle of the army, surrounded by armed guards
on all sides. Slightly off to her side, sitting on a horse, is the
main protagonist, Dan Williams. He looks rather bored.]
Dan: [Yawning.] Even with the end credits, this trip took a damned
long time.
Amy: I told you so.
Dan: [Looks around.] We've finally made it to the end? Maybe then I
get myself out from under Galeck's thumb. [Mimicking Galeck.]
Don't do this! Don't go there! Be careful where you step!
Amy: They're just doing their job.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I did say that we wouldn't be attacked, didn't I?
Amy: That you did.
Dan: So the castle is in the middle of a forest?
Amy: [Nods.] Yes.
Dan: Thought so. How's the lake?
Amy: [Confused.] Lake?
Dan: The lake surrounding the castle.
Amy: How.. [Amy trails off.]
[Dan waits patiently.]
Amy: Never mind, I won't ask. I know better.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I don't mind.
Amy: [Curious.] You don't?
Dan: Better this than listening to Galeck shouting orders.
Galeck: [Shouting.] We have reached the castle!
[The forest opens up to reveal.. A castle sitting on a lake. A single
long bridge connects the castle to the shore of the lake. The army
waits at the foot of the bridge.]
Dan: Man, that must have been a pain to build.
Amy: How so?
Dan: How old is the castle?
Amy: Oh it's stood for more years than I can remember.
Dan: [Nodding.] Yep. Figures.
Amy: Huh?
Dan: [Quietly.] Just a castle so old that people have forgotten what
it stood for.
[Amy looks at Dan in surprise.]
Dan: [Raises voice.] Hey, Galeck! Let's get this show on the road!
Galeck: [Shouting back.] We move when the castle allows us to!
Dan: [Quietly.] .. And that should happen in 2.. 1..
Galeck: [Shouting.] Army, general advance forward!
[The army dutifully shuffles across the bridge to the castle.]
Dan: [Muttering.] He just had to get a military term in there, didn't
he?
Amy: Did you say something?
Dan: [Shakes head.] Nope. [Looks at Amy.] So when do I meet the
family?
Amy: [Blushing.] Well, etiquette requires that ..
Dan: [Waves her off.] Etiquette, schmetiquette. They'll break the
rules regardless of the "requirements".
Amy: [Furious.] If you're so sure of everything, then why don't you
just declare this over with!
Dan: [Shrugs.] Don't know. I guess we've just got to go through the
motions.
Amy: [Downcast.] Oh.
Dan: Sorry, Amy. I can't change things before they happen.
Amy: I didn't think you were a god.
Dan: I've never claimed to be one.
Amy: [Sighs.] I just wish things were better.
Dan: [Smiles.] It won't take long.
Amy: [Looking up.] You sure?
Dan: [Checks Newton.] I believe so. How long, I don't know. Not yet,
anyway. I'm still working on that.
Amy: [Doesn't believe Dan.] I see.
[Amy and Dan pass though the castle doors. The crowd raises their
voices to a shout.]
Crowd: All hail the princess! All hail the princess!
[Amy winces and sighs at the reaction. She waves to the crowd. Dan
watches her quietly, scribbling into his Newton.]
[The scene changes and we see Dan standing in a dressing room. Dan's
old suit lies on the bed next to him, and two female servants are
trying to get Dan into a regal outfit.]
Dan: [Mutters.] It figures.. from one monkey suit to another.
Girl D: [Cooing.] But you look so good in this, sire!
Girl DD: [Nodding.] Milord, I agree!
Dan: Oh, fine. Let's get this over with.
[The two girls make a few more adjustments to Dan's outfit. We the
viewers can't see much of anything because the camera spends more time
focused on the girls than Dan.]
Dan: [Irritated.] Are we getting closer?
Girl D: Oh, very much so, milord!
Girl DD: We have to make you look good!
Dan: [Aside to camera.] As if whoever's in charge of the camera would
actually point the damned thing at me.
[SD-L drools from behind the camera.]
Dan: [Looking himself over.] This is good enough.
Girl D: But milord..
Girl DD: We want to make sure the princess likes what she sees!
Dan: [Chuckles.] Is that what all this is for?
Girl D: The princess finally finds someone ..
Girl DD: .. and we want to make sure that she gets a good eyeful!
Dan: [Rubs his hands together.] I see! Well then, if you're going to
explain it that way..
[The three of them finally get Dan's outfit finished.]
Girl D&DD: [Cheery.] We'll let the court know that you are ready!
[The two girls exit out the door.]
Dan: [Aside to camera.] And off go two very bouncy servants. It
figures this show would go the way of GAINAX sooner or later.
[Grins.] Not that I'm complaining.
[SD-L chuckles evilly in the background.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Laugh all you want. I know Amy's gonna thwack me for
being a "pervert" sooner or later. Might as well enjoy it before
the fireworks start.
[SD-L sulks off.]
Dan: [Sighs.] Some people.
[Dan steps out into the hallway, and looks around.]
Dan: [Mutters.] Now lets, see. [Spots a servant walking past.]
Hello there.
Servant: [Bowing.] Milord?
Dan: Where is the bathroom?
Servant: [Confused.] Bathroom?
Dan: It's the room that you almost never see on camera. How else am I
going to find it?
Servant: [Sweatdrop.] Uh.. down the corridor and to the right, Milord.
Dan: [Nods.] Thanks, I'll remember that.
[The servant walks off. Dan turns away from the bathroom, and heads
down the corridor. As he walks down the corridor, he is nearly bowled
over by a rather large matronly woman carrying several items of
clothing.]
Woman: [Impatient.] Out of my way, knave!
Dan: [Nods.] Hello, Nanny of Amy.
Woman: [Blinks.] How.. how did you know?
Dan: [Looks down at what she's carrying.] Easy to tell..
Woman: I don't have time for this foolishness!
Dan: .. Unless that gown you carry with the royal seal actually fits
you..
Woman: [Furious.] I aught to..
Dan: [Steps around her.] .. take lessons in etiquette?
Woman: [Flushes.] You dare accuse me of ... ?
Dan: [Shrugs.] You started this little war, not me.
Woman: I won't stand for this!
Dan: Then sit down.
Woman: [Enraged.] Why.. you..
[Dan starts to walk down the hallway, leaving the woman behind.]
Woman: [Looking at Dan intently.] You're the man who came in with the
princess!
[Dan stops at her comment, and turns to face her.]
Dan: [Dryly.] Congratulations on stating the obvious.
Woman: [Angry.] Don't you corrupt the princess!
Dan: [Looking the woman in the eyes.] And don't you smother her.
[The woman's face pales.]
Dan: Interesting. You _do_ care about her.
Woman: Hold on a second!
Dan: Look, lady..
Woman: My name is Jean Mizaki.
Dan: Fine then, Jean. [Pauses.] Didn't it ever occur to you that if
you treated Amy properly she wouldn't run away?
Jean: The princess is wild and uncontrolled..
Dan: .. Which is perfectly normal for someone at her age.
Jean: She neglects her duties!
Dan: She is the princess. She has been the princess since birth. I
think she understands by now what her duties are.
Jean: ....
Dan: [Sniffles.] Ironic isn't it?
Jean: [Confused.] What are you talking about?
Dan: [Thoughtful.] I know every single cliche before it happens, and
somehow I still manage to get emotionally attached..
[A sweatdrop appears on Jean's head.]
Dan: [Grins.] .. and thats another cliche! [Pulls out Newton.]
[Jean facefaults.]
Dan: How long before I'm forced to meet the court?
Jean: Not until the princess is ready.
Dan: [Nods.] No problem then. I'll just head straight there.
Jean: [Irritated.] The princess won't be ready before then!
Dan: Yes she will. The scene can't start without her.
[Jean looks extremely confused.]
Dan: [Waves.] Better hurry, Jean.
[Dan walks slowly down the corridor, and Jean bolts off down the
hallway. Passing a balcony, Dan looks out into the sky. He has
his Newton out, and is busy writing something.]
Dan: [Muttering.] Hmm.. Everything looks good so far.
[A few minutes later, Dan starts to walk down the corridor again. He
barely walks ten feet before horns start to blare.]
Dan: [Dryly.] It's that time.
[Dan walks calmly through the castle, ignoring everyone running around
in a mad hurry to get somewhere.]
Dan: [Thinking.] Might as well give the princess a little more time.
[Dan eventually reaches a set of large double doors. Two guards stand
in front of the doors. They watch him as he approaches. When Dan
finally reaches the door, they cross their polearms in front of him.]
Dan: Yet another standard military tactic..
[Both guards look confused at Dan's comment.]
Dan: Dan Williams, here to see the King.
[The guards retract their weapons, and the doors slowly open..]
[And a new picture appears with "Now loading" written on it. A red bar
slowly makes its way across the screen, and when it is full..]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 3
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[.. The doors swing open to reveal the court.]
[Dan steps inside the court, and walks to the center.]
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Even _I'm_ going to leave that one alone.
[SD-L flexes arm in triumph.]
[The court is full of nobles, sitting down long rows of benches. The
benches climb to 20 feet in height on either side of the long walkway.
The doors Dan has just entered are at one end of the courtroom, and a
man sits on a throne at the far end of the hall. Heavily armed guards
line either side of the walkway. Huge tapestries hang from the
ceiling. Dan grins to himself as he looks around.]
[Head held high, Dan walks down the long isle, not flinching for a
second. The guards step into place behind him as he continues,
cutting off any chance of a quick exit.]
[Dan spots Amy standing just behind the currently empty throne. She
looks a little rushed, and stares at Dan.]
[Dan grins and stares right back at her. Amy blushes and turns away.]
[Jean stands just behind Amy, and she glares openly at Dan. He just
chuckles in reaction to the expression on her face.]
[Standing aside the King's throne is Galeck, who frowns at Dan.]
[Galeck stands.]
Galeck: All rise in greeting of the great and noble king Damacles ..
Dan: [Aside to camera.] .. in his mind ..
Galeck: [Continues.] .. savior of this land ..
Dan: [Still to camera.] .. aged well beyond his years ..
Galeck: [Finishes.] and ruler of this great kingdom!
Dan: .. because no one wants to challenge him.
[All the nobles rise. Damacles walks out into the hall, and steps in
front of his throne. The king stands a huge 6 feet 7 inches tall and
despite his advanced age still appears to be quite powerfully built.]
Dan: [Still to himself.] Meaning that he'll die leading his own army
against the main bad guy later. [Dan looks at Amy and sighs.]
[Amy just stares unabashed at Dan. He grins to himself.]
Dan: [Thought.] Just as I believed.. she isn't as innocent as she
claims. [Dan chuckles.]
Damacles: [Sitting down.] Please, be seated.
[Dan uncharacteristically doesn't say anything.]
Damacles: [Looking at Dan.] You don't look like a hero to me.
Dan: [Grinning.] Makes me all the better.
Damacles: [Confused.] How so?
Dan: People will underestimate me.
Damacles: [Not convinced.] I see. [Damacles stands up.]
[The court stands up.]
[Dan snickers.]
Damacles: I suppose you wonder why you stand before me.
Dan: [Dryly.] Not particularly.
Damacles: [Doesn't notice Dan's remark.] This kingdom has survived on
its own for many years.
Dan: [To himself.] Then why the hell do you need an outsider to fix
your problems for you?
[Damacles walks back to the throne and sits down.]
[The court sits down.]
[Dan starts to chuckle.]
Damacles: [Still rambling.] Yet we face a grave threat..
Damacles: [Stands up, arm held high.] .. One which we refuse to give
in to!
[The court stands up.]
[Dan starts to laugh. King Damacles finally notices Dan's reaction.]
Damacles: [Angry.] You DARE mock me? Do my words have no meaning?
[Both Jean and Galeck look on with evil grins on their faces, while Amy
cringes at her father's voice. She looks at Dan, worry etched on her
face.]
[Dan finally manages to get his laughter under control.]
Dan: [Evilly.] With all due respect .. your Majesty, I _don't_ _care._
Damacles: [Furious.] What?!?
[Amy looks frightened at the sudden turn of events.]
Dan: [Darkly.] I'm not about to sit here and listen to you ramble on
for hours on end about nothing. [Looks around.] Nor can you
expect me to keep a straight face with all these fools playing
"Kiss the King's Ass".
Damacles: ....
Dan: I don't care for bullshit.
[Damacles sits down. The crowd, well ... you should know by now!]
Damacles: [Quietly.] You realize that I can have you executed for
treason.
[Dan snorts in response, but Amy runs out of the room. Jean follows
her. Damacles does not react to his daughter's departure.]
Dan: No you won't.
Damacles: [Curious.] And why not?
Dan: [Grinning.] Because I know those advisors of yours want to send
me out just so they can see me get myself killed.
[Galeck blushes a bright red, and steps forward, quite angry. Damacles
waves him back with a hand.]
Galeck: [Bowing.] Your majesty, surely you don't expect to listen to
this.. ruffian?
Damacles: [Ignores Galeck and leans forward.] Perhaps they did. You
claim otherwise?
Dan: If I didn't believe so, I wouldn't be standing here in front of
you. Do you seriously expect me to believe that every unknown
person who wanders into your kingdom gets this kind of treatment?
[Damacles just watches Dan intently.]
Dan: Obviously I fit some kind of prophecy. Since that is the case,
I'd rather be out trying to fulfill it rather than listen to some
old man trying to put a dramatic spin on everything.
[Galeck, who listened to all of this in silence, finally jumps forward.]
Galeck: [Furious.] How dare you insult the King in such a manner!
Damacles: [Flatly.] Galeck, shut up.
[Galeck gulps and jumps back behind the throne.]
Galeck: [Meekly.] Yes, your majesty.
[Galeck stands up.]
[The crowd stands up.]
[Damacles glares directly at SD-L. A sweatdrop appears on SD-L's head,
and he pulls a lever. The crowd sits back down.]
Damacles: [Quietly.] Never before in my entire reign has someone ever
come into my courtroom, my castle.. and treated me so
unjustly. So rudely.
[Galeck giggles gleefully.]
Damacles: [Ignoring Galeck.] For those reasons alone, Dan Williams, I
salute you!
[Galeck facefaults.]
Damacles: If anyone else in my Kingdom had the courage to stand tall
like you have then we wouldn't be in such a predicament.
Dan: [Aside to camera.] Completely by the book.
[Dan grins and gives the thumbs up sign.]
Damacles: Now get this man ready for his long journey.
[Dan remembers the look on Amy's face, and sighs quietly.]
Dan: Is it ever a short journey?
[A sweatdrop appears on everyone's head.]
Galeck: [Stepping forward.] I'll see to it that he is properly
equipped.
Damacles: Now, Dan, are you sure that you do not want to hear the tale
of our land?
[Dan grins and rubs his hands together.]
Dan: Well, if you really insist..
Damacles: I do.
[Dan reaches into his jacket and pulls out a sheet of paper. Holding it
up, he hands it to the King.]
Dan: Just fill this out, and everything will be set.
[Damacles takes the form, a confused look on his face. He reads it.]
"Dan's handy instant background filler form.
We, the people of _name_, of the time _date_, have the following tale
to tell:
During the time of _name_, a _adjective_ _adjective_ evil was _verb_,
bringing the land into _adjective_ _adjective_ chaos. The destruction
caused ranged _distance_, causing much _adjective_ grief to _name_.
Through the talents of _title_ _name_, _title_ _name_ and _title_
_name_, this _adjective_ scourge was _verb_ into the depths of the
_name_. Now this _adjective_ evil has awakened to _verb_ us again.
A time of _adjective_ peace passed, and _adjective_ spread throughout
_name._ However, the _adjective_ evil did not remain _verb_ for long.
Now it has returned to do _adjective_ and _adjective_ _verb_ to us all.
Before facing the final evil, Dan must _verb_ the _adjective_ _title_
from _name_ located in _place_ to prove his _adjective_ to _verb_ the
evil.
Therefore, I, _title_ _name_, ruler of _name_, do hereby decree that
Dan Williams is named _title_ to my rule and is given the necessary
titles and power to _verb_ this _adjective_ evil and rid it from all
time.
Signed, _name_
_seal_ _title_
_date_"
[A big sweatdrop appears on Damacles' head, and Galeck groans openly
after taking a look at the paper.]
Galeck: Enough with the foolishness, Williams! We must get you
prepared for the journey you have!
[Dan shrugs, and walks up to Galeck. Galeck turns to the King, intent
on announcing his departure.]
Damacles: [Pen in hand.] Hmm.. Oh yes, this does save me a lot of
trouble..
[Damacles starts to scribble. Galeck facefaults when he sees how
intent the King is on filling the sheet out.]
[Dan turns and walks out the door.]
Galeck: Hold on, scoundrel!
Dan: You'll catch up soon enough, Galeck.
[The camera fades out.. and fades in a few moments later. Dan stands
just outside the castle gates, looking down the road ahead. He is
dressed in some rather light traveling clothes, and carries a small
pack on his shoulder.]
Dan: Whew. Finally out of that stuffy place. [Grins.] No more monkey
suits for me!
[Galeck stands slightly behind Dan, completely out of breath.]
Galeck: I.. told.. you.. to.. wait..
Dan: [Chuckling.] Don't you know that you can't just go running around
in plate armor and expect to be fine?
[Galeck is too exhausted to respond.]
Dan: [Waving.] I'm off! See you around!
Galeck: [Waves to guards.] No, you can't just leave.
[Two guards step in front of Dan. He looks at them with a smirk.]
Dan: And why not?
Galeck: You have no armor, no weapon, and no map. Do you foolishly
expect to be able to go anywhere without being killed?
[Dan turns around to face Galeck.]
Dan: Yes, I do.
[A sweatdrop appears on Galeck's head.]
Galeck: What ... ?
Dan: Look, Galeck. Based on everything I've learned, I expect this
show to last around thirteen episodes.
Galeck: Thirteen.. episodes.. ?
Dan: Well, okay. It should be ten, but I've expanded it to thirteen.
[The sweatdrop on Galeck's head grows larger.]
Galeck: [Completely confused.] Why thirteen?
Dan: [Rolls his eyes.] Duh. Thirteen is the minimum requirement for
American television. I do want my exploits shown on television
back home.
[Galeck's sweatdrop grows a bit.]
Dan: [Continuing.] Since there are only thirteen episodes, I don't
need a map. I have to beat the evil demon at the end of the
series, so if I start walking now I'll end up going directly to
his lair. There isn't any time to get lost.
[Galeck's sweatdrop doubles in size.]
Dan: As for a weapon, since I'm bound to find a more powerful one along
the way, why take one with me?
Galeck: [Trying to find a weak point in Dan's argument.] But you'll
be killed!
[Dan shakes his head.]
Dan: I'm the hero of the story. I can't die. Didn't you learn
anything in school? Didn't all those fairy tales teach you
something?
[Galeck facefaults. Dan's explanation is too much for his brain to
handle.]
Galeck: Uh.. um..
[Dan steps around the guards, and starts to walk off.]
Dan: [Thought.] I'm missing someone.. [Spoken.] I wonder where she
went.
[Dan clears the long walkway to the castle, and steps in to the forest.]
Dan: [Looking around.] Nice place. [Sighs.] Too bad I don't have any
time to waste. I'll have to wait until after I've won this
battle.
[Amy steps out of from behind a tree.]
Amy: [Angry.] Dan Williams!
Dan: [Thought.] Took her long enough.
[Spoken.] Yes, princess?
Amy: How could you?
Dan: [Grins evilly.] How could I what?
Amy: [Furious.] How could you agree to my father's arrangement of our
marriage?
Dan: Well, actually ..
Amy: You pervert! [Amy swings her fist at Dan...]
[Time slows to a crawl. There is a flash of light, and when everything
clears..]
[Dan holds Amy's fist in his hand.]
Dan: [Aside to SD-L.] Told you she'd call me a pervert.
[To Amy.] .. I agreed to nothing.
Amy: [Confused.] WHAT?
Dan: I didn't ask for the engagement, but I knew your father would
offer it.
Amy: [Upset.] You jerk! [She swings her other fist at Dan.]
[Dan catches her second fist.]
Dan: [Sincere.] Don't you care to know what I said?
Amy: [She fidgets.] Uh, well..
Dan: [Looking Amy directly in the eyes.] I told your father that the
decision of marriage was yours and not his.
[Amy blushes furiously.]
Dan: I also told him to stop putting so much pressure on you.
Amy: But.. but.. [Changes the subject.] What about all that time you
spent with those two serving girls?
[Dan chuckles at her question.]
Dan: [Thought.] Don't play this little game, princess.. you have no
chance of winning.
Dan: [Feigns surprise.] Oh, those two.
Amy: [Angry.] Yes, _those_ two. Explain. Now.
Dan: [Grinning.] The two girls who spent two hours getting me into
that outfit just for your benefit?
Amy: Uh..
Dan: The two girls who went on and on about how lucky the princess was
to have someone in her life?
Amy: Wait..
Dan: Face it, Amy. I'm not the only pervert around here.
[Dan grins, and Amy doesn't respond. Dan lets go of Amy's hands, and
turns towards the road.]
Dan: So long, princess. We'll be speaking soon enough.
Amy: Just a second!
Dan: [Stops walking.] Do you want to come along?
Amy: Uh.. I.. well..
Dan: Either you do or you don't. I don't have all day.
Amy: [Upset.] Hey, don't you dare treat me like this!
Dan: [Turns to Amy.] I won't mind if you come along. [He grins.]
Actually, I'd enjoy it.
Amy: [Flushing.] Ahh.. Uh.. I think they need me back at the
castle!
[Amy turns around and runs off.]
Dan: [Shouting.] I'll return, princess! Don't worry about that.
Amy: [Sticks her tongue out at Dan.] What makes you think I'm
worried? After what you've pulled, I'd be surprised if you
did die!
Dan: [Grins.] Someone around here finally gets it.
[Dan starts to walk down the trail. The camera fades out as Dan
continues to walk into the distance.]
[Dan turns to the camera as everything fades to black.]
Dan: And that, boys and girls, is the proper way to handle a woman.
[Waves.] See you next time!
[The camera fades completely out.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 4
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[As the camera fades back in, Dan Williams walks through the forest at
a leisurely pace. He doesn't appear too concerned.]
Dan: [Singing softly.] Over the river and through the woods to
grandmother's house we go..
[A shadowy figure flits in and around the area as Dan continues on
without concern.]
Dan: [Thought.] How long do they plan on watching me? I'm getting
bored..
[Dan walks a short distance before three figures burst out of the
bushes.]
Man1: Hold it!
Man2: Don't move!
Man3: We have you surrounded!
Dan: [Groans.] Talk about lack of originality.
Man1: Now.. either give us your money, or..
Dan: [Interrupting.] You'll whip out the cream pies and ruin my
clothes?
Man1: Hey! Aren't you listening to me?
Dan: [Continuing.] Poke my eyes out with your fingers?
Man1: Hold it!
Dan: [Not stopping.] No, then the three of you would be named Moe,
Larry and Curly.
[A sweatdrop falls down the head of each of the three would be robbers.]
Dan: And you'd be the three stooges.. but wait!
Man1: What?
Dan: You ARE the three stooges!
[All three facefault.]
Dan: [Aside to camera.] I see you're getting better at describing
people.
[A sweatdrop falls down SD-L's head.]
[The three men slowly get up. Dan chuckles to himself.]
Dan: [Thought.] Time to test my theory.
Man1: [Angry.] That does it! Ryan, kill him.. slowly.
[Ryan, previously known as Man2 steps forward. He draws a really
nasty looking knife.]
Ryan: Whatever you say, boss. I'll use my special blade.
[Dan does not move.]
[Ryan lifts the knife up.]
Ryan: Time to die, little man.
[Dan still does not move.]
Man1: Do you not have any sense of self preservation?
Dan: [Deadpan.] Nope.
[Ryan pauses in confusion. He just stares at his boss.]
Man1: Do it!
[Ryan lunges forward with his knife. Dan, contrary to all common
sense, steps INTO the blow.]
Man3: [Staring.] He's crazy!
[At the last second, Ryan trips over a rock, sending him sprawling to the
side. In his haste to catch himself, Ryan impales himself on his knife.
Dan oh so casually reaches out and pulls Ryan's sword out of its scabbard
while Ryan is airborne.]
Man1: [Face pale.] How.. how did you do that?
Dan: [Chuckles evilly.] Does it matter?
[Man1 gulps and takes a step back.]
Dan: Well, if you must know..
[Both men look at each other.]
Dan: I'm protected from death, but I'm not protected from injury. As
such,
if I take a blow that would have hurt me really really bad and turn
it
into one that will definitely kill me, I won't get hurt.
Man1: [Confused.] Couldn't we just slightly miss the mark?
Dan: [Grins.][Thought.] Hey, someone is actually trying!
[Spoken.] Of course not. You aren't important enough in the grand
hierarchy of bad guys to pull off something like that. It isn't
dramatic enough. No one wants to see the hero hurt by some two bit
nobody who tried to rob him in the middle of the forest.
[Man1 growls.]
Dan: Now.. about this robbery you wanted to try..
[Man1 nods at Man3, who draws his sword and rushes forward.]
Man3: ARRGH! Die, you freak!
[Again, Dan does not move until the last possible second. When Man3
is about to strike, Dan sidesteps ever so slightly and lifts his new
weapon up. Man3 barely has time to blink as Dan's blade finds itself
at his throat.]
Dan: You were saying?
Man3: Uhh..
Man1: [Near panic.] Now hold on a second..
Dan: And to think just a minute ago you wanted to kill me.
Man3: But you weren't even armed!
Dan: So what?
[A sweatdrop falls down Man1's head.]
Man1: Uhh..
Dan: [Dryly.] How wonderfully witty your responses are.
Man1: Wait a second!
Dan: [Shakes head.] No. [Looks Man1 directly in the eyes.] Now, if
you give me your money, I'll let you go.
Man3: [Frustrated.] This isn't the way things are supposed to work!
Dan: [Glances back over his shoulder.] Or so you believe.
[Lowers his blade.] Look, I'm getting tired. I think I'll
just continue on my way.
[Dan steps around Man1, who looks really confused. Grabbing the
scabbard from the corpse of Ryan, Dan walks down the road.]
Dan: [Waving.] See you later! [He sheaths the sword.]
Man1: He.. he..
Man3: Did he just..?
Man1: He did!
Man1 & Man3: [Drawing swords.] GET HIM!
[Both of the men charge down the road at Dan. Dan chuckles to
himself.]
Dan: [Thought.] I hope everyone isn't this damn predictable.
[Man1 and Man3 rush towards Dan, coming up on either side of the road.
Dan stands in one place as the two of them approach.]
Man1: I'll kill you!
Man3: [Thought.] He's..
[In less time then it takes to blink, Dan's blade flashes out,
catching Man1 across the throat. This time, the blade does not
stop. Man1 collapses to the ground in a bloody heap, while Man3 stops
in his tracks. He just stares at Dan.]
Man3: [Amazed.] How.. did.. you..
Dan: [Shrugs.] Apparently without any effort. [Looks at the sword.]
Blood, how cool. I guess we can't be a family show now. [Dan
grins.]
Man3: ...
Dan: [Turns to Man3.] Look, you can't win.
Man3: How is this possible? You must be a great swordsman! But..
you're.. so young!
Dan: Actually, I've never held a sword before today.
Man3: WHAT?!
Dan: [Nods.] Yep.
Man3: But.. then.. I can kill you! [Man3 swings his blade.]
Dan: [Snickers while ducking under the blade.] Look, don't you get it?
[Man3 does not listen. He swings his blade again, and Dan blocks it.]
Dan: [Shrugs.] I guess we do this the hard way.
[The next time Man3 swings his sword, Dan responds. The camera suddenly
shifts, and we see Man3's blade go spinning up into the air.]
Dan: [Pointing sword at Man3.] I told you that you couldn't win.
[Looks up in the air.] Cool effect. I wondered how soon I'd get to
do it. [To SD-L.] Thanks!
[SD-L ignores Dan.]
Man3: [Panting.] I.. don't.. understand..
Dan: I'll tell you. Since I have no combat experience, I can't go
fight the final battle to save this world.
[Man3 looks confused.]
Dan: So, in order to make up for that, I get randomly attacked so I can
gain experience, making it more likely that I win the final battle.
[A sweatdrop falls down Man3's head.]
Dan: I also get nifty weapons, armor and money from the battle.
[Man3's sword comes spinning back down, and Dan catches it in his free
hand.]
Dan: Case in point.
Man3: [Confused.] You do?
Dan: [Nods solemnly.] Yep. How else am I going to get some cash so I
can stay in the next town's inn?
[Man3 doesn't say anything.]
Dan: After all, as the hero of this story I never need to work a real
job to make any money.
Man3: ... And why not?
Dan: Because that's boring, and people won't spend money to see a
boring show.
[Man3's sweatdrop grows bigger.]
Dan: How do you fit into this? Simple. You're the fodder that gives
me what I need. I get all of those goodies, and you get to die.
[Man3 facefaults.]
Dan: Now, if you'll exuse me, I don't want to rack up a body count like
most games force you to do. I'd rather let people live.
[Dan looks off into the distance.]
Dan: I really shouldn't be making suggestions, but.. If a certain
person behind a certain camera of a certain story does not stop
this "video game as a plot nonsense" right this minute, said
person is going to be in severe pain as soon as I get my hands on
him.
[A _big_ sweatdrop appears on SD-L's head.]
Dan: Just so we understand each other.
[Man3 twitches on the ground.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] That's a new response. Got bored of all the sweatdrops
and facefaults?
[SD-L makes a point of ignoring Dan.]
Dan: Yep. Definitely a new response.
[Dan looks down at Man3, who is still twitching.]
Dan: [Thought.] I guess this will be easier than I expected.
Dan: Although.. [He grins.] We can kill lots and lots of inhuman
creatures. [To SD-L.] You know the type, right? They serve no
possible purpose anywhere in nature's life cycle except to die quick
and dirty deaths on a TV show.
[SD-L nods.]
Dan: [Looking down the road.] Of course, I could always suggest
"non-living" robots, but this is set in medieval times, right?
[A sweatdrop appears on SD-L's head. He doesn't reply.]
Dan: [Shrugs.] Ah well. Time to get moving.
[A short time later, Dan can be seen walking down the road. A new bag
hangs around his waist, and you can hear coins jingling. He carries
two swords, one at his waist and one on his back.]
Dan: [Checks Newton.] I should be meeting my first sidekick soon.
[To camera.] What? Did you really think that I would spend the
entire show running around by myself?
[SD-L nods vigorously from behind the camera.]
Dan: [To camera.] Yeah right. Like I want to talk to you the entire
show. Whose side are you on anyway?
[SD-L tries to look innocent.]
Dan: [Sighs.] Why am I not surprised.
[Dan looks pensive..?!]
Dan: [To SD-L.] I can think for myself, thank you.
[To himself.] Now, lets see. [He pulls out his Newton.] Given
the nature of the person running this thing..
[Dan continues to walk through the woods as the camera starts to fade
out.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 5
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Having finally made it through the forest, Dan finds himself standing
on a dirt road leading into a town off in the distance.]
Dan: [Pensive.] Hmm. We used an episode to train myself in combat..
The pace of this show should pick up soon. It's just too short a
series otherwise.
[A stagecoach rumbles past, and Dan steps out of the way at the last
second without paying attention.]
Dan: Drat. I had hoped that this show hadn't billed itself as pure
fantasy. [Looks up.] That means that we'll have to get a magic
user of some sort to create all the fancy explosions that are
needed to sell this show to the public. [Dan shrugs.] Better
than nothing. [To camera.] We do have the budget for big booms,
right?
[SD-L chuckles from behind the camera.]
Dan: [Smiles.] Well now. We apparently agree on something.
[Dan continues to walk down the road, and enters the town. The people
in town look at Dan strangely as he walks to the center of town. Dan
keeps his Newton out and powered on.]
Dan: [Noting the villagers.] Hmm.. Could be any one of a number of
things.
[Dan picks a random person on the street, and walks up to her.]
Dan: [Rather politely.] Exuse me?
[SD-L looks completely shocked.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Even _I_ know when to shut my mouth up.
[SD-L doesn't seem impressed.]
Woman: [Rather timidly.] Yes?
Dan: [Thought.] Yep, something is definitely wrong. Another town in
distress.. what an unoriginal cliche. [Scribbles in Newton.]
[Spoken.] Would you show me the location of the inn?
Woman: [Confused.] Inn ..?
Dan: Yes, the place where visitors stay.
Woman: [She nods absently.] This way.
[Dan follows the woman through the streets. He quietly puts his Newton
into his backpack, and loosens the tie on his sword.]
Dan: [Thought.] Only a matter of time now. Is she..?
[The woman leads Dan just outside of town to an old run down building.
Dan looks around and notices that no one even lives in the area. He
notices the too white fountain, like it has been scrubbed down.]
Dan: [Thought.] No people to get in the way. [He frowns.] Perfect
time for some cool explosions, and I don't have any.
[The woman ignores Dan while they walk towards the inn.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Dude. Get your priorities straight. First I gain the
explosions, then I fight.
[SD-L pointedly ignores Dan.]
Dan: [Mutters.] Nice and boring. Unless..
Woman: [Notices Dan talking to himself.] Huh?
Dan: [Shrugs.] So - what evil power are you leading me to?
Woman: [Surprised whisper.] How.. [She recovers.] You wanted to see
the inn.
Dan: [Chuckles.] How quaint. Trying to entrap me?
Woman: [Shakes her head rapidly.] No, no.. that's not it..
Voice: [BOOMING.] Who dares approach my town?
Dan: [Nods to himself.] Thought so. [He raises his voice.]
Who gives a damn?
Voice: [BOOMING.] All who disobey me..
Dan: Are subject to death by torture? How boring and unoriginal can you
get?
Woman: ....
Dan: Cut the bullshit and get out here where I can see you.
Voice: [Chuckles.] Very well.
[A giant crash resonates through the area, and the doors of the inn
crumble away like paper.]
Dan: [Deep voice.] Most impressive.
[A ten foot tall thing in the shape of a man comes lumbering out of the
inn.]
Dan: [To woman.] Your boss is one ugly shithead, isn't he?
[The woman stands next to Dan without saying a word or acknowledging his
presence.]
Dan: [Dryly.] Talk about intelligent underlings. [To camera.] How
much did you budget for the extras, anyway?
[A sweatdrop falls down SD-L's head.]
Dan: I figured as much. [He shakes his head.] We're going to have a
little talk about the budget.
Monster: [Sneering.] So, little man. How do you plan to die this day?
Dan: [Yawns.] Let's see.. I've got a dozen witty responses I could use
in reply, but - the reality of the situation is you can't win.
Monster: [Laughs.] And what plant have you been smoking? I plan on
killing you in a long and slow fashion.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I'm waiting.
[With a roar, the monster charges Dan. Dan doesn't move. The monster
swings his claw down at Dan, who shifts slightly. A flash is seen, and
blood splatters through the air.]
Dan: [In.. pain?] Arrgh.. that hurt..
[The camera pans back to reveal a cut on Dan's right arm.]
Monster: [Laughing.] WAHAHAH! No one can beat the all powerf - URK..!
[The camera pans back again. Dan's sword sticks straight up through the
monster's neck, and out the back of his head.]
Dan: [Chuckles.] How pathetic. You barely scratch me, and I whine
like it is going to kill me.. and you naturally seem to think that
you
can just up and kill me because of that. Talk about falling for a
pretty bad cliche.
[Dan pulls his sword out of the monster's neck. The body collapses down
to it's knees.]
Dan: [Smiling evilly.] I make sure that when I hit someone, they die.
And
just to make sure..
[Dan lops the head of the monster off with one clean blow.]
Dan: [To the camera.] Never mind how hard it is to actually cut
someone's head off like that. Since this is a TV show, it becomes
so pathetically easy that even a six year old can do it. [Sighs.]
[The woman doesn't say anything. Her eyes roll up into the back of her
head, and she collapses to the ground.]
Dan: [Kneeling.] And what kind of show would this be if at least one
woman didn't faint from fright? [Dan sighs, and checks the
unconscious body.] How.. interesting. I didn't think I could
detect
the spell on her this easily. [Dan looks at SD-L.] All in the name
of advancing the plot, eh? No matter how impossible it really is?
[SD-L shrugs.]
[Dan stands up and checks his arm.]
Dan: [Licking his finger and running it over the cut.] Just as I thought
-
it's barely a scratch. The blood is all for show. [Grins.]
[Dan looks over to the old inn.]
Dan: Since we're still playing RPG land, I should get some kind of
reward for vanquishing the evil monster.
[SD-L chuckles.]
Dan: Now things are getting interesting.
[Dan walks into the inn with no regard to safety.]
Dan: [To the camera.] This rickety old building isn't going to
collapse until I try to leave. It's another cliche to try and
build suspense.
[SD-L sticks his tongue out at Dan.]
Dan: Naturally, any treasure is kept in the basement. Apparently these
evil monsters have this predisposed idea that these buildings are
definitely going to collapse on them. Now I wonder where they get
get the idea from..?
[Dan climbs down the steps to the basement. On his way, he grabs a
torch off the wall, and lights it.]
Dan: Always a handy source of light around when you need it.
[Dan steps down into the basement of the inn, and looks around.]
Dan: Now, lets see.. there has to be something of interest down here or
it wouldn't be shown on camera. [Chuckles.]
Voice: I say, is someone there?
Dan: [Grins.] [Whispered.] Sidekick! [Out loud.] Nope, just your
friendly neighborhood monster.
Voice: [Confused.] You don't sound quite like a monster.
Dan: [Laughs.] Now what ever gave you that idea?
Voice: Can you let me out?
Dan: [Looking around.] I see. Here is the door. [Dan examines the
door.]
Now, tell me.. are you tied up?
Voice: No, not really.
Dan: So, why haven't you escaped?
Voice: [Irritated.] How the bloody hell would I know? I think the
bastard
cast a spell on me or something.
Dan: [Chuckles.] [To himself.] A straight man to play off of. I could
ask for something a little better, but he'll do. [Dan raises his
voice again.] Well, this door..
Voice: Yes?
Dan: .. like this inn ..
Voice: Go on, what is it?
Dan: .. is so old that you could sneeze on it and blow it down.
Voice: [Long pause.] Really? Of all the damned luck.
Dan: Just how long have you been down here?
Voice: Time is kind of hard to keep track of when the monster puts you
under a spell. Hold on a second.
Dan: [Yawns.] Sure.
[Dan puts his torch into a nearby torch holder.]
Dan: Don't you just love how these things are in convenient places?
[Dan looks at the door.]
Dan: Now..
[The door explodes off it's hinges and slams into the wall.]
Dan: [Shaking his head.] These medieval locks. How easily they give
way.
[A grey haired man steps out from inside the room.]
Man: Of all the stupid things to happen to me. Getting locked up in a
rickety old cellar like this.
Dan: So tell me, grandpa, why did that monster decide to lock you up
in the cellar?
Man: [Shrugs.] Damned if I know why the bastard did that. Where is he?
Dan: [Chuckles.] Lying around in a few places.
Man: [Surprised.] You killed him?
Dan: [Nodding.] Yep.
Dan: [Curious.] And just who are you?
Man: I am Sir Edward Farlough, Knight Errant and keeper of the peace.
Dan: You don't say.
Edward: Thank you for getting me out of this place, lad.
Dan: [Mockingly.] Lad? Me? At 24 years of age, you could hardly call
me a "lad."
Edward: Oh, I didn't realize..
Dan: Of course, since most characters in animated shows are usually
teenagers anyway, I can see why you'd make that mistake.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Huh?
Dan: Never mind. It was just an observation.
Edward: [Confused.] If you say so.
[A loud creak resonates through the building.]
Dan: Figured as much. Time to go.
Edward: [Looking up at the ceiling.] I'm inclined to agree with you.
[He
stands up.]
Dan: [Looking up at Edward's face.] You're pretty well built for an old
man..
Edward: [Flexes his muscles.] Runs in the family.
Dan: It figures. [Mutters.] Probably got the lack of intelligence to
boot.
[The building starts to shake.]
Edward: What is going on?
Dan: [Shrugs.] That's just the trap I set off when I freed you.
[Waves his hand.] Nothing to be concerned about.
Edward: [Eyes wide.] TRAP?!?
[Dan nods solemnly as the entire inn collapses on to the two of them.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 6
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[SD-L holds up a sign. "When we last left our intrepid hero, he found
{Flip.} himself buried with no hope of survival. {Flip.} Could he still
be alive?"]
Dan: [Swats SD-L out of the way.] Oh, come off it. Talk about a pretty
pathetic cliffhanger. No one is going to expect me to be killed by
having a building fall on top of me.
[The camera pans back. Dan stands in a small clearing, the inn's rubble
barely over his head. Edward stands in the middle of the room, somehow
holding everything over his head.]
Dan: You weren't kidding when you said it ran in the family, weren't you?
[He pulls his Newton out.]
Edward: [Panting a little.] So I said. [He looks around.] Lad, how do
you plan on getting out?
Dan: [Looks up and shrugs.] I'm not going to do anything.
[Dan goes back to writing in his Newton.]
Edward: WHAT?!
Dan: [Still paying more attention to his Newton.] The villagers should
rescue us right about..
[A portion of the ceiling gives way, letting light in.]
Voice: Is anyone alive down there?
Dan: [Points up without looking up.] .. now.
Edward: How the bloody hell did you do that?
Dan: [Chuckles.] I have my ways.
Voice: [A little louder.] Is anyone still alive?
Dan: [Calling up.] We're just fine. Can you lower some rope?
Voice: Hold on a second.
[A rope drops down.]
Dan: [Waving to the rope.] C'mon, Eddie. Climb on up.
Edward: [Nods.] Let's get out of this mess.
[Edward climbs the rope up out of the basement. Dan puts his Newton away
while watching Edward climb out.]
Dan: Time to see why these people didn't just kill that sucker. He was
pretty pathetic for a monster. [Dan climbs up the rope.]
Mayor: As mayor of this town, I would like to personally thank you for
ridding us of that horrible beast.
Dan: [Grinning.] Yep. Never mind the fact that one or two of you could
have killed it without even trying.
Mayor: [Confused.] Huh?
Dan: A bunch of crossbows from a distance would have killed him quite
easily.
Mayor: We're just ..
Dan: .. poor and defenseless? Lazy and stupid is more like it.
Mayor: Now hold on one second! How could we have known?
Dan: We're still rather early in the show. Since all the monsters are
tied into my skill level, you would have had a pathetically easy
time
of killing him if you tried.
[A sweatdrop falls down the mayor's head.]
Edward: ....
Dan: [Shrugs.] Whatever was done is done.
Mayor: [Confused.] Excuse me?
Dan: [To mayor.] Anyway, since I killed that monster, I wonder if you
could help me with something?
Mayor: [Glad to sidestep Dan's accusations.] Anything you ask. Perhaps
my
daughter..?
[A teenage girl stands behind him, glaring at Dan and looking worriedly at
her father.]
Dan: [Laughs.] Sorry, I'm already spoken for. In any case, I've already
had enough of fathers trying to give away their daughters.
[The girl sighs in relief. The mayor says nothing.]
Dan: [Shrugging.] I'm not the type to go after under-aged girls and get
myself arrested. Something about wanting to stay out of jail.
[The mayor facefaults.]
Mayor: [Recovering.] What would you like to know?
Dan: I'm looking for someone called "Roddy Hakazaki." Can you help?
[All the villagers take a step back.]
Mayor: [Sweatdrop.] Uh, well..
Dan: I'll be fine. Just point the way.
[The mayor points down a road.]
Mayor: About three miles down the road, you'll find a side path. Follow
it
up the mountain.
Dan: [Looks up.] Mountain? Oh, right. A secluded temple on a mountain.
I get it.
Mayor: [Nods in agreement.] Yes, the mountain. Tell me kind sir, why
must
you go there?
Dan: He has something I need to continue my quest.
Mayor: [Confused.] Ah, I see.
[The rest of the townspeople mutter and speak to each other in hushed
tones.]
Dan: [To self.] These secluded types never ever turn out to be nice
people. Although..
Mayor: Well, you will spend the night, won't you?
Edward: [Steps forward.] While we appreciate your kind offer, we
must be going ..
[Dan shakes his head.]
Edward: .. but we've decided to accept your hospitality.
Dan: [To Edward.] Never turn down an offer of free food.
[Edward nods in understanding.]
Mayor: How very considerate of you! We'll have a feast!
[Later, at the party Dan sits at the main table, munching away happily.
The
mayor's daughter approaches him as he eats.]
Girl: I have to thank you for turning my father down.
Dan: It isn't exactly fair to you, miss..?
Girl: My name is Erin. Tell me, why do you have to go to the temple?
Dan: [Leans back.] Roddy is the keeper of an item I need.
Erin. [Quietly.] Oh. [Wipes a tear away.]
Dan: [Looks around, and stands up.] C'mon. Let's go.
Erin: [Confused.] Okay.
[Dan leads Laura around the back of a nearby building. None of the
residents notice, but Edward does.]
Erin: [Whispered.] Uh.. I don't want to.. please!
Dan: [Looks at Erin.] I'm not going to do anything. I just want to ask
a
question or two.
Erin: [Looks up.] Like what?
Dan: What's so special about this temple?
Erin: [Figets.] Well.. my friend Samantha went there for training.. she
didn't want to go, but her parents forced her to.
Dan: [Thoughtful.] Why did she have to go?
Erin: [Sighs unhappily.] Samantha was the best magical student in the
village, so she had to go to him to train.
Dan: [Thought.] Someone who can do explosions! Cool!
[Spoken.] You haven't heard from her, have you?
Erin: [Shakes her head.] No. We're not supposed to try and talk to her.
Dan: Do you want me to take a letter to her?
[Erin nods.]
Dan: I'm not part of this village, so I'll break the rules for you.
Erin: [Smiling.] Thank you! I'll go write it.
[Erin runs off. Edward finally makes it to Dan.]
Edward: You're taking an awfully long time for a bathroom break, chap.
Dan: [Shrugs.] I've been thinking.
Edward: [Nods.] C'mon now. You wanted to stay. Relax a little. [He
chuckles.]
Dan: [Looks at Edward.] Been drinking a little too much?
Edward: [Grins.] Can't be helped, it's been a while.
[Dan and Edward turn to walk back to the party.]
Dan: Ah. [Chuckles.] I have to admit.
Edward: What?
Dan: You're more intelligent than I gave you credit for. Most people
with
your muscles are damned stupid.
Edward: [Stops in his tracks.] Is that an insult?
Dan: Just an observation.
Edward: Oh. [Bobbles happily.] I'm always up for saving a damsel in
distress.
[Dan sighs irritatedly for a second, then recovers.]
Dan: [Dryly.] You would say something like that.
[Dan unbuckles the sword on his back, and tosses it to Edward.]
Dan: It's kind of awkward to swing two swords around, no matter how easy
some other people make it look. It's just not my style.
Edward: [Pulls the sword out, and looks the it over.] Rather poor
workmanship if you ask me.
Dan: [Shrugs.] It gets the job done.
Edward: [Sheaths the sword.] If you think of it that way. Me, I'd
rather
have a well built weapon that I can count on. [Looks at Dan.]
Now
what exactly is this quest you are going on?
Dan: [Amused.] Oh. You're asking about the plot. First time that's
happened.
Edward: [Confused.] No, I'm asking about the quest.
Dan: [Chuckles.] Well, this show hasn't exactly had a plot yet.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Show?
Dan: The plot got lost in the shuffle. [He looks at SD-L.]
[SD-L puts his hands behind his back and whistles innocently.]
[Edward looks confused.]
Dan: [Pulls out a piece of paper.] Well, by decree of the King ..
Edward: [Nods.] Ah, King Damacles Fujimaki.
Dan: .. I'm to locate something spoken about in the legends of the land.
Exactly what, they don't know. All they knew was that Roddy was the
start. He has some kind of box that contains what I need.
Edward: And why are you on this quest?
Dan: The King has noticed that the monsters who attack his land have
gotten
far too organized for his liking.
Edward: Some new power is controlling them.
Dan: [Nods.] And according to the legends, it's some long lost demon.
[Edward says nothing.]
Dan: Pretty unoriginal if you ask me.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Why do you say that?
Dan: It's the single most cliched story background in existence. A large
ancient evil arises to threaten the land. [He sighs.]
Edward: Oh.
[Edward takes a step forward, and wobbles around.]
Dan: Takes a while for it to hit, eh?
Edward: [Grins.] As always.
Dan: Time to go to bed.
Edward: You want to be on the road before daybreak?
Dan: [Chuckles.] Nah. Before the start of the next episode is fine.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Uh?
Dan: Things should be picking up soon. Thankfully we'll be spared the
possibility of sitting through a filler episode.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Filler..?
Dan: Yeah, you know the kind. They don't do anything except waste time
and
maybe barely advance the plot. [Muses.] At least people will know
the plot now. I suppose they had to learn it sooner or later.
[Edward facefaults as Dan walks off.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 7
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dan and Edward are walking quietly through the woods. The sun floats
lazily overhead, it being a warm day.]
Edward: Wonderful weather we're having.
Dan: [Chuckles.] It helps with the budget.
Edward: [Confused.] Budget?
Dan: [Nods.] Yes, budget. It's a hell of a lot cheaper to draw in a
nice
day rather than try and do rain or even snow. It's easier on the
animators.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Uh..
Dan: [Looking at SD-L, but not talking to the camera.] Although I have
to
wonder where the hell all the money is going. I certainly don't see
it being spent anywhere..
[SD-L chuckles nervously.]
Edward: [Not convinced.] Whatever you say, lad.
Dan: Why are you so restless?
Edward: Danger, lad. I can smell it in the air. Something is going to
happen. You'd pay attention as well if you have any desire to
live.
Dan: [Shrugs.] Oh, that. Don't worry. We'll be attacked soon enough.
Edward: WHAT?
Dan: [Nods.] Yeah. We want to see how good a fighter you are.
Edward: [Grins evilly.] If you want to see that, you can always spar
with
me.
Dan: [Shakes his head.] Sorry, I'd like to skip the part where you knock
me on my butt as part of a "learning process."
Edward: [Chuckles.] Well now. Very insightful.
Dan: [Grins evilly.] You could say that.
Edward: Yes I could. What is it with..
[Dan holds his hand up. Edward says nothing, but pulls his sword from his
sheath.]
Dan: 3.. 2.. 1.. Now!
[Five monster like looking things burst from the bushes to attack!]
Dan: "Monster looking things." Can't you be at least a little more
descriptive?
[SD-L shakes his head, and holds up a sign. "Budget."]
Dan: It figures. [He sighs.] We need to reallocate the funds a little.
Edward: [Ducking under the swing of one of the beasts.] Who are you
talking to?
Dan: [Casually ducks the swing of a monster behind him.] Don't worry
about
it.
[In one smooth motion Dan draws his sword and lops the head off of the
monster behind him. At the end of his swing, the sword is back in it's
sheath.]
Edward: Bloody Hell! How did you do that?!
Dan: [Chuckles.] I've been taking video game lessons.
[Edward tries to respond, but chooses to jump over a sword swing instead.
Growling he thrusts his sword straight through the chest of the monster
in
front of him.]
Edward: So much for him.
[Dan sidesteps a monster's charge, and sticks his foot out. The monster
topples forward, crashing into the ground. Edward quickly drives his
sword
through the back of the creature.]
Dan: [Shrugs.] Three down.
[The two remaining monsters look at their dead comrades, then each other.]
Edward: All right, who's next?
[The two monsters turn around, and run off into the woods.]
Dan: [Amused.] Well, now. How.. intelligent of them.
Edward: [Frowns.] They've been like that for about two months. We used
to be able to just off the critters with little trouble. Now,
the
bloody fools run when they lose.
Dan: [Nods.] So the King is worried about this.
Edward: Exactly. You think you can find the cause?
Dan: [Shrugs.] I wouldn't be the hero if I couldn't.
[A sweatdrop appears on Edward's head.]
Dan: [Chuckles.] Want me to teach you what I know?
Edward: [Suspicious.] I don't see how what you did is even possible.
Dan: [Waves him off.] Natch. On a TV show, anything is possible.
Edward: Very well then. I'll see if you've got anything interesting to
offer.
Dan: [To self.] You haven't even seen anything yet.
Edward: [Looks up.] Here is the road to the temple. Just how do you
expect the girl to believe to you?
Dan: [Chuckles.] This is an action show.
Edward: [Sweatdrop.] Action..?
Dan: [Continuing.] Since I'm the hero of an action show, all the girls
are
automatically beautiful, and they all automatically trust me. Hell,
if I wanted to I bet I could sleep with all of them as well.
[Edward facefaults.]
Dan: [Sobering.] But I know better then that. Too often women get
portrayed as bouncy sex toys with no intelligence.
[Edward is too busy recovering to say anything.]
Dan: [Shrugging.] So it's really just my choice in the matter.
[SD-L sticks his tongue out at Dan.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Now, now. You know if I didn't do that all the female
readers would hunt you down and beat the living crap out of you.
You
can get away with only so much and call it fanservice.
[SD-L eeps and disappears.]
Edward: I don't see any guards around.
Dan: [Shrugs.] It's the super powerful recluse hidden away in his
temple.
He doesn't need any guards.
Edward: [Doubtful.] I guess that would make some sense.
[Both Edward and Dan walk up the path to the temple. Reaching a set of
ornate double doors, Edward looks for a way to open them while Dan looks
over the temple.]
Dan: He looks to be pretty rich for not allowing any visitors.
Edward: None of those villagers wanted to come up here. Something is
going
on. I'm curious to exactly what it is.
[Dan shrugs and knocks on the door.]
Dan: We'll try the simple way first.
[The doors swing open a crack. A rather feminine voice floats from
within.]
Girl: [A little surprised.] I'm sorry, no one is allowed in.
Edward: We'd like to talk to Roddy.
Girl: I'm sorry, but the master does not speak to anyone.
Dan: [Thoughtful.] Samantha?
[The girl does not reply.]
Dan: [Motions to Edward.] I have a letter from Erin. She wants to know
how you are doing.
Sam: [Surprised.] Erin? How..? [Subdued.] I'm sorry, but I can't let
you
in. The master would become very angry.
[Dan points at the door, and Edward gives the ornate door a shove. The
sudden surge pushes the door back, letting both Dan and Edward in.]
Sam: [Unhappy.] You can't just..
Dan: [Waves her off.] Don't worry. This isn't your fault.
Edward: So where is your illustrious master?
[The voice of an old man floats down through the entry way.]
Roddy: I do not appreciate uninvited guests.
Dan: I'm looking for a sealed box the King says you possess.
Roddy: I own no sealed box.
Edward: Helpful bloke, isn't he?
Dan: [To Edward.] I shouldn't have expected anything less.
[Aloud.] Come out so we can talk.
Roddy: Come to my chamber.
Dan: Like I'm going to go into an old man's bed chamber.
Edward: [To Samantha.] You are here because..?
Sam: I'm the best magic user from the village. He wanted to train me,
and
he made some stupid promise to my parents. Something about being
"a
wizard among wizards."
Edward: But..?
Sam: [Sighs.] I can't leave until I beat him.. but I can't win! I've
tried and I've tried, but I just can't do it! Every time I fail he
treats me worse and worse. It's driving me crazy.
Edward: [Growls.] We'll take care of him.
Sam: [Shakes her head.] You can't. There is a spell of binding in
effect.
I'm the only one who can do it.. and I know I can't!
Dan: [Tired of waiting.] [To self.] Time to go on the offensive!
[To Edward.] What is wrong with her?
Edward: [Quietly.] Samantha has a bastard of a master who won't let her
go
until she defeats him in combat.
Dan: [Irritated.] What the hell? Are we in a martial arts flick or
something? When I get my hands on him..
Edward: Only Samantha can beat him - and she has lost all of her
confidence and will.
Dan: [Grumbles.] I'd love to show that dirty old man.. [He looks up.]
Dirty old man.. [Looks at SD-L.] You are going to be in severe
pain
when this is over.
[SD-L panics and waves a sign. "It isn't my fault!"]
Dan: [To Edward.] This is going to be bad.
Edward: Are you sure..?
[Dan nods as Roddy enters the room. He is, much to no one's surprise, a
short white haired old fogey.]
Dan: Why the heck do old people get so damned short?
[Roddy tries to open his mouth.]
Dan: Does it have something to do with Calcium loss? I mean, bones
shrink,
but I can't believe they shrink that much or so evenly over the
whole
body.
[A sweatdrop appears on everyone's head.]
Roddy: Come, Samantha. It is time to continue your training. [He looks
up
at Dan and Edward.] Leave now, or I will be forced to use extreme
measures.
Edward: You old bastard! [He starts to draw his sword.]
[Roddy merely raises a hand and sends Edward flying out the door.]
Dan: [Thought.] I don't have much time.
[He pulls Samantha over to him.] You know why he's doing this,
right?
Sam: [Confused.] No, why?
Dan: [Whispered.] He wants to break you to the point where you'll be too
weak to resist him any more.. if you know what I mean.
Sam: [Eyes wide.] He wouldn't.. he couldn't..
Roddy: Samantha, I grow impatient. [He turns to Dan.] This charade ends
now. [He raises his hand.]
Sam: [Eyes narrowing.] He could..
Dan: [Backing away, hands in the air.] All right, already. I'm going.
Sam: [A little angry.] I know he'd like it..
[Dan looks at Samantha and steps out the door.]
Sam: [Pissed.] The bastard has even hinted at it..
[The door closes, and Dan and Edward look at each other.]
Edward: [Angry.] Now what do we do?!
Dan: [Looks at his watch.] Ten seconds. Run!
Edward: What? Are you just going to leave that poor girl in there with..
Dan: Twelve seconds. [Dan grabs Edward, and bolts off down the path.]
Edward: Hold on. I demand an explanation!
Dan: Three words. Vengeful female retribution.
[Edward goes completely pale. Lifting Dan, he bolts off down the path at
high speed, carrying Dan off like a sack of potatoes.]
Dan: Twenty five seconds. Fire in the hole!
Edward: [Totally confused.] Huh?
Dan: [Pulling on Edward, crashing them to the ground.] Duck!
[For an all too brief second, Dan and Edward feel something tugging them
as
the air is sucked back in towards the temple.]
Sam: [Booming voice.] You PERVERT!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* K A B O O M ! ! ! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
[A massive shockwave envelops the the surrounding area, flooding over Dan
and Edward. The explosion sends trees and dirt flying around in all
directions. Both men go flying through the air for a good fifteen feet.]
[SD-L waves a sign as the camera fades out. "This had better satisfy
him!"]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 8
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dan comes rolling to a stop some five feet after hitting the ground.
Edward collapses along side of him. For a few seconds, both are
silent..]
Dan: [Leaping to his feet.] WHOO HOO! What a blast! I never thought
that
girl had this kind of power inside of her!
[Edward rolls over and groans in response.]
Dan: [Pacing around, excited.] Now, by my calculations, that had to rate
at least an eight or nine on a scale of one to ten.
[SD-L chuckles.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] [Bowing.] You have surpassed even my expectations.
Believe me, that's pretty hard!
[Edward slowly gets up.]
Edward: [Groaning.] What are you, some bloody lunatic?!
Dan: [Lecturing.] I'm egotistical, not crazy.
[Dan and Edward both look at the swath of destruction. Charred ground is
all that remains of the forest and grass for quite a bit of distance.]
Dan: [Eyes wide.] Cool! Spectacular range and excellent destructive
capacities! [Whispered.] I've got to wonder if she set off a nuke
or
something.
Edward: [Angry.] She could have killed herself doing that!
Dan: [Looking at Edward strangely.] What plant did you grow up on? The
girl _never_ gets hurt when she beats a pervert up. Hell, I'd be
surprised if she even killed her master.
[A sweatdrop appears on Edward's head.]
Dan: [Continuing.] Yessiree, the double standard. Anyone with a name
gets
to live without problem, but all them there faceless minions die
spectacularly bloody deaths. It's a cliche that usually gets
overlooked.
[Edward facefaults.]
Dan: C'mon, let's go congratulate her. [Wipes himself down.] Damned
mess.
[Edward gets up and follows Dan to the center of the blast.]
Dan: [To SD-L.] Send the camera ahead a bit, why don't you? I won't be
off the screen for that long. [He winks to the audience.]
[SD-L blinks, but the camera shifts ahead to the center of the blast.]
[At the center of the clearing, Samantha sits quietly, still in shock over
what just happened. There is no sign of the temple she was in anywhere
around her.]
Sam: [Quietly.] Did.. I.. just..?
[A low groan starts about ten feet in front of Samantha.]
Roddy: [Sitting up as dirt cascades off of him.] Ooh.. What hit me?
Sam: [Glaring at Roddy.] I did.
Roddy: [Standing up rather slowly.] Well now, I didn't think you had it
in
you.
Sam: Hmph. Like you would have ever believed something like that.
[Dan and Edward walk into the camera.]
Dan: [Aside.] Told you I wouldn't be gone for long.
[Edward walks directly over to Samantha.]
Edward: [Kneeling.] My Lady, are you well?
Sam: [Blushes and quickly stands up.] I'm perfectly fine. Please, I'm
no
lady.
[Dan walks over to the two of them. Edward glares at Dan, and he shrugs
in
response.]
Dan: [To Roddy.] Well, now. She beat you, didn't she?
Roddy: [Chuckling.] Actually.. [He grins.] It only counts when I
declare
the battle underway.
Sam: [Stepping forward.] WHAT?! [A low glow emanates from one of her
hands.] If you have a death wish, old man, I'll be more than happy
to
grant it.
Roddy: [Stepping back.] Heheh! I'm just joking! You won, fair and
square.
Dan: Actually, it was a very round win.
[Everyone facefaults. Dan grins evilly.]
Roddy: [Standing up again.] I suppose you want that stupid box?
Dan: [Nodding.] Of course.
Roddy: [Looks around.] I don't exactly see how it could have survived.
Dan: [Chuckles.] Now why would you think that? Samantha survived. You
survived. I'm certain the box survived.
Roddy: [Not convinced.] And what makes you think that?
[Edward winces.]
Dan: We have no other plot. If the box gets destroyed, I can't save the
world. Since my saving the world is guaranteed, the box hasn't been
destroyed. [He shrugs.] Rather simple if you ask me.
[Roddy facefaults.]
Edward: [Pale.] My god, that almost made sense. I must be going crazy.
[Samantha just stares at Dan.]
[Roddy looks around the ground. Scratching his head, he walks over to a
small spot on the ground. Brushing some dirt aside, he lifts up a small
steel case.]
Roddy: [A little surprised.] This is what you want.
Dan: [Nods.] I believe so. [Sighs.] Why couldn't you have just given
us
the stupid thing in the first place? You could have kept your
temple
intact.
Roddy: [Shrugs.] I have my reasons. [He grins.] Don't worry about my
temple. It is quite indestructible, I assure you.
Dan: [Chuckles.] If you say so. [To Edward.] Let's get going. We've
wasted enough time here.
Sam: [Running up to Dan.] Hold on a second!
Dan: [Looking at Samantha.] Shouldn't you be going home?
Sam: [Shakes her head.] I'm coming with you. [Her eyes go starry.] I
want to see the world!
Dan: [Nods.] I'm not going to complain.
Edward: [Looking at Dan.] Are you sure about this?
Dan: [Shrugs.] She'd just follow us if I said no. It's easier this way.
Edward: [In surprise.] You're wiser than I expected.
Dan: [Shakes his head.] Nah. Just look at the expression on her face.
[Samantha looks really really happy.]
Edward: Oh boy. I wonder what she's been taking?
Dan: [Chuckles.] Now you're sounding like me.
Edward: [Shakes his head.] I'd love some for myself right around now.
Dan: [Grins.] You'll be needing it soon enough. [Waves to Samantha.]
C'mon, let's get going.
[Samantha nods and runs up to Dan. The three of them start to walk away.]
Sam: [Curious.] I wonder what happened to the old man's temple.
Dan: [Chuckles.] Notice that there aren't any temple bits lying around?
[Both Edward and Samantha look around in disbelief.]
Edward: [Muttering.] I don't want to know.
Dan: [Turns back to the clearing.] Roddy?
Roddy: [Irritated.] Yes, what do you want?
Dan: [Turns away, chuckling.] Look up.
[Roddy looks up and lets out an eep as the wayward temple comes crashing
back down to the ground. Both Samantha and Edward stare at the sight
with
wide eyes.]
Dan: [Shrugging.] Ah well. What goes up must come down. C'mon. King
Fujimaki told me where I had to take the box.
[Dan walks off, and Edward and Samantha rush to catch up.]
Sam: Hey! Wait up.
[The three figures walk back down through the woods and arrive at the road
leading to the town.]
Edward: [To Samantha.] Are you sure you don't want to go home to your
familiy.
Sam: [Making a face.] Back to curfews? Again? Me?! No chance in hell!
[Dan chuckles.]
Edward: This isn't meant to be funny. You could get hurt.
[Sam looks directly at Edward and makes a motion with her hand.]
Dan: [To Edward.] Better quit while you are still in one piece.
[Edward nods quickly, his face pale. Samantha chuckles and grins
happily.]
Dan: [Turns down the road.] Let's get going. I have a strange feeling
about this.
[The three party members walk down the road, heading towards an unknown
destination. They continue down the path ..]
Dan: [Interruping.] So we're a party now?
[SD-L in a _rare_ display of bravery swats Dan out of the way. "Ahem!"
.. as dawn slowly turns to dusk.]
Dan: [Yawning and stretching out.] Lucky thing I was such a good hiker
back home. You never know when some magical force is going to pick
you up and stick you in an unfamilar land. It helps to be prepared
for just such a contingency.
[Samantha and Edward look at each other.]
Edward: You're not from around here?
Dan: [Chuckles.] Of course not. The legendary figure is usually some
kind
of outsider.
[Edward is about to ask another question when Samantha interrupts him.]
Sam: [Genuinely curious.] So where are you really from?
Dan: [Shrugs.] Probably quite a way off. I don't really know how far.
Sam: [Thinks for a short second.] You're from another planet, then?
[Edward blinks in total confusion.]
Dan: [Snickers.] Roddy is smarter than I gave him credit for.
[Closes his eyes.] To answer your question, yes.
Edward: [Jumps in.] What exactly is a planet?
Sam: [With pride.] A body that travels through space and orbits around a
star. Planets can be solid or made entirely of gas.
[Edward's brain starts to short.]
Dan: [Chuckles.] We're sitting on a planet. Before you ask, the sun
above
is a star.
Edward: [Still lost.] The moons?
Dan: Smaller planets. They orbit this one.
Edward: Isn't the world flat? The lights above holes in heaven?
Sam: [Shaking her head.] No. That's completely wrong.
Dan: [Musing.] No wonder Roddy kept you away from everyone else. Maybe
he
was afraid the villagers would burn his temple down for spreading
"lies."
[Edward says nothing.]
Dan: [To Edward.] Aren't you going to accuse us of spreading false
truths?
Edward: [Slowly.] No. You've been right about everything else. Bloody
hell!
Sam: [Sternly.] No cursing!
[Samantha and Edward are about to launch into a long fight.]
Dan: [Mockingly.] No arguing. Get some sleep.
[Both Samantha and Edward grumble, and go to sleep. The next morning the
three adventurers stand in front of a large mountain. The road they
followed to get to this point ends in the side of a cliff. There does
not
appear to be anywhere else to go.]
Sam: [Disappointed.] Is this all? I'm pissed. I don't see anything
here.
Edward: [To Dan.] What happened to all your mighty prophecy?
Dan: [Shrugs.] It isn't suddenly made invalid because of a minor problem
like this one.
[A large rumble penetrates the ground around them.]
Sam: What is going on?
Edward: [Pissed.] Bloody hell! [He draws his sword.] I should have
expected this! We've made a problem of ourselves too long!
[Edward gapes in surprise as our heroes find themselves surrounded by a
vertiable army of monsters. At the head of the group, a humanish figure
stands tall in armor that screams death and destruction. To his right
stands an old man in a pointy hat and blood red robes.]
Dan: [Smiles.] Ah, finally. Some action.
[Both Edward and Samantha look at Dan in surprise. As Dan opens his mouth
to address the enemy commander, the Wizard raises his arms.]
Wizard: By the strength of the all powerful dark one, I transport you in
to
the center of the mountain where you shall die encased in solid
stone!
[Dan disappears .. and time slows to a halt.]
Dan: [To camera.] Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to be off
screen.
Don't get used to it, I don't expect to be gone for long. [He
winks.]
[ Time speeds up .. and SD-L stares at what happened in shock. Both
Samantha and Edward facefault. Dan's sword falls harmlessly to the
ground.]
Edward: You got rid of Dan before he had a chance to get a word in!
How..
[He falls silent.]
Samantha: [To wizard.] Doesn't a cleric call out to her god for power?
[A sweatdrop appears on the wizard's head.]
Wizard: Err, well..
Samantha: [Continuing.] I mean, well, I think, well.. Isn't the entire
point of being a wizard so that you don't have this icky evil
nasty demon hanging over your head threatening to kill you
every
time you cast a spell off?
[Edward facefaults again.]
Edward: [Groaning.] Now he's got _you_ doing it!
[The wizard says nothing in reply, but the sweatdrop on his head is
impossible to miss.]
Evil Knight: [Booming voice.] Drop your weapons and we'll kill you
quickly! Fail to comply, and, well.. death will be a long
time coming.
[Both Edward and Samantha look at each other as the camera fades out.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 9
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Evil Knight: Well, I'm waiting. You can die quick or you can die slow.
It's your choice.
Dan: [Shouting.] I think not!
[Everyone looks up the cliffside to see Dan standing on a ledge about
twenty
feet up.]
Evil Knight: [Raising his hand.] Archers, kill him!
[Random Monster #668 shuffles forward and taps the evil knight meekly on
the
shoulder.]
Evil Knight: [Looking, well.. evil!] What is it?
Random Monster #668: We don' have dem dere pointy-stick-and-string types.
Evil Knight: [Evilly pissed.] And why not?
Random Monster #668: Main boss dude, he take dem vith him to battle
kingly
type.
Evil Knight: WHAT?!
[All the other monsters take a step back.]
[The Evil Knight in an act of pure evil..
*WHAM!* SD-L collapses down to the ground. Looking up, he sees Samantha
behind him, holding a mallet. "Shut up already with the puns!" she
groans.
"- scratch that!" SD-L waves with his sign frantically. {Flip}
"Start again from the top!"]
[The Evil Knight in one quick motion lops the head off of Random Monster
#668. All the other monsters take _another_ step back.]
Evil Knight: Wizard Braack. Kill him.
Braack: [Annoyed.] Very well.
[Braack raises his hands to start his spell.. pauses as something thunks!
into the shield around him. Edward looks down at the dagger he threw in
surprise.]
Braack: [Grinning ev- madly.] The spells I've weaved around myself make
it
impossible for anyone to hurt me. [Sees Samantha raising her
hands.] Don't try it little girl. [Sneers.] Your spells are no
match for my power.
[Samantha lowers her arms in embarassment, and the two of them look up to
Dan. Dan grins and waves down to them.]
Edward: [Sweatdrop.][To self.] He's insane.
Braack: [Raising his arms again.] I call on the all powerful dark one
...
[Samantha hmphs and crosses her arms.]
Braack: ... to grant me the power I need ...
[A little red dot appears on Braack's head. No one notices.]
Braack: ... to destroy my opponents ... *FWOOSH!*
[Braack's corpse tumbles backwards, a hole a quarter of an inch in
diameter
burned clean through his head.]
Evil Knight: [Completely shocked.] What just happened? No attack could
have penetrated that shield of his!
Dan: [Snickering.] Ah, but you seem to have forgotten something. He
still
allowed light to go through.
Evil Knight: [Confused.] And this is dangerous because..?
Dan: Because of an obnoxious little toy that magnifies light to the point
where it can burn through anything. It's called a laser.
Sam: [Interrupting.] But isn't a laser supposed to emit a thin beam of
light?
Dan: [Shakes his head.] No. The light you always see is reflected off
of
something. A laser beam has nothing to reflect off, so it is
invisible.
Sam: [Impressed.] Ooh! I didn't know that!
[The Evil Knight does an eye twitch.]
Dan: [Chuckling.] Ah, poor Mr. Knight. I suggest you turn around and
leave right now, or things could get very bloody.
Evil Knight: [Angry.] Never! [To his troops.] Attack! Kill them!
Edward: [Draws his sword.] I knew it! That bastard's insane!
Samantha: [Pensive.] This just doesn't make any sense.. [She raises her
hands to cast a spell.]
[The monsters growl, and charge forward drawing their weapons as they
approach the two still on the ground ..]
--- BBRRRTTT!! ---
[.. and all hell breaks loose! A barrage of metal slivers fills the
air,tearing into the monsters as they try and charge the group. Blood,
fur and body parts go flying through the air as the monsters immediately
scatter in all directions in an attempt to escape the deadly fire.]
Evil Knight: [Shocked.] What manner of power is this?
--- BBRRRTTT!! ---
[Edward's jaw drops, and he stands there immobile. Samantha's eyes go
wide,
but she stands her ground. Her cheeks get greener and greener as the
body
count continues to rise.]
--- BBRRRTTT!! ---
[The last of the monsters explodes in a shower of blood and guts, and the
rain of metal quickly comes to a halt. The entire field is covered in
monster parts and blood. The Evil Knight is the only one left standing.]
Evil Knight: [Panting.] That's.. that's.. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! WHY does
that BASTARD have to have such perfect EVIL weapons when I'm
stuck with stupid two-bit pathetic nobody monsters who
couldn't beat a damned blind gerbil riddled with arthritis?
Dan: [Grinning.] It's the law of averages.
Evil Knight: [Confused.] Law of averages..?
Dan: [Nods.] Sure. Since the bad guys always outnumber the good guys,
it's only fair that the good guys get much more powerful weapons to
make up for it.
Evil Knight: [Sweatdrop.] That can't possibly be true..!
Dan: [Chuckles.] This is especially true in ultra violent video games
where the entire point of the game is to get bigger and badder
weapons
just to blow away the bad guys.
[The Evil Knight facefaults.]
[Dan pulls the trigger silently on his weapon. A soft click is the only
response he gets.]
Dan: [Thought.] Time to switch toys.
Evil Knight: [Angry.] Slaad! Get me that weapon! I don't care what it
costs! BRING IT TO ME!
[A fifteen foot tall tentacled monster steps out of the forest and next to
the Evil Knight.]
[Dan puts down his rifle and picks up a slightly different yet just as
mean
looking weapon.]
Dan: [Thought.] Time for something a little different. [He grins.]
Sam: [Irritated.] A monster..
[The fifteen foot tall monster notices Samantha. With a grin, it decides
that she is going to be it's first "target."]
Sam: [Pissed.] With TENTACLES?
[Dan blinks. Shrugging, he puts his weapon down.]
[The monster takes a step back.]
Sam: [Angry.] Twice in one damned series! That BASTARD is DEAD when I
get
my hands on him!
[SD-L nearly faints in fright. Running off into the sunset, he leaves a
sign behind that reads, "Off to vacation! See you soon! (I hope!)
P.S. - HELP!"]
[The monster takes a few steps back. Tentacled or not, even it recognizes
the signs of a righteously pissed off woman (tm).]
[Samantha turns to the monster.]
Sam: [Eyes narrow.] I'm going to take those damned tentacles and shove
them so far up your master's behind that he'll never be able to sit
down again!
[The tenacled monster eeps and turns to run as fast as it can. Samantha
lobs a blast of energy that just clips the monster, blowing a massive
crater in the forest nearby. Trees and dirt go flying in every
direction.]
Dan: [Amused.] That didn't quite pass for a magical girl speech, but I
suppose it will have to do in a pinch.
[A big sweatdrop appears on the head of the Evil Knight.]
Sam: Get back here you pathetic excuse for a hideous creature! [She
chases
the monster off the screen.]
Evil Knight: Uhh.. Okay.. maybe that didn't go quite as I planned it to.
But your wizard has run off! That gives me a chance to..
Edward: [Finally regaining his senses.] Oh no you don't! I challenge
you
to single combat!
Dan: [Groans.] Stupid bloody martial art combat rules!
Evil Knight: [Chuckles.] Very well then. If you wish to die I can
accomodate you. [Draws his sword.]
[Edward and the Evil Knight lock swords in classic (tm) combat.]
Dan: [Sighs.] I can't blast the bastard while Edward is in the way.
[After taking a few swings at each other, both Edward and the Evil Knight
lock swords together (tm) and get into a strength contest (tm).]
Dan: [Sighing.] Couldn't they be a little less cliche in their battle?
[A sweatdrop appears on both the fighter's heads, but they continue to
battle. Finally the two combatants give a mighty shove (tm) and send
each
other back a few feet.]
Evil Knight: [Confused.] I don't understand. My scouts told me you
weren't that good of a fighter!
Edward: [With pride.] Your scouts probably understimated my prowess.
Dan: Nah. It's just all the experience you got when I killed all those
monsters. We are in the same party, after all. [Winks.]
[Both combatants facefault.]
Edward: [Angry.] Will you please stop doing that!
[Dan shrugs.]
[The Evil Knight swings his sword, but Edward ducks underneath him and
slashes him across the chest. The swing barely manages to penetrate the
armor of the Evil Knight, and a little bit of blood oozes out.]
Evil Knight: [Pissed.] You.. hurt.. me.. PREPARE TO DIE!
Dan: [Sighs.] Great. Now even the lines are becoming cliched.
[To SD-L.] Can't you do better with the script?
[*Click* At the tone, please leave your name and message and I'll get
back
to you as soon as I get in. Thanks! *Beep....*]
Evil Knight: [Jumping into the air.] DARK WAVE!
[The Evil Knight jams his sword into the ground, sending out a wave of
darkness all around him. Edward jumps over the wave and rolls to the
side.]
[The Evil Knight advances on Edward, bringing the two of them close to the
cliff.]
Dan: [To Edward.] You're supposed to hit him while he stands there
shouting out an attack like that. Don't just stand there like a
dummy
and let him get away with it!
[Edward grunts in reply, and charges the Evil Knight.]
Evil Knight: [Laughs.] This is the end for you! DARK SMASH!
Dan: [To camera.] Notice a pattern here?
[A sphere of pure darkness engulfs both Edward and the Dark Knight. The
cliff rumbles, and a very large portion of the earth breaks away to fall
down on the two combatants.]
Dan: Well now. What an interesting outcome.
[Slinging a rather large gun across his back, Dan pulls out a rope and
starts to decend down the side of the cliff. A short rumble occurs, and
Edward breaks his way out of the rubble.]
Edward: [Huffing.] Look! See all the blood! I beat him! He couldn't
have possibly survived that collapse!
Dan: [Shakes his head.] Dude, he's alive.
Edward: WHAT?!
Dan: I've got news for you. Whenever there isn't a body.. the bad guy
lived.
[Edward twiches for a second, but come to his senses.]
Edward: [Pensive for once.] Every single time?
Dan: [Nodding.] Yes. It is the oldest cliche on the books. He didn't
die,
so the author can pull some stupid bullshit to bring him back.
Edward: You know, these comments of yours can be very helpful.
[Dan chuckles, and is about to reply, when a somewhat less pissed off
Samantha comes stomping in from the woods.]
Dan: [To Samantha.] Did you get him?
Sam: [Evil voice.] He's been chopped up into itty bitty pieces. So
where
is this stupid Knight?
Edward: [Disappointed.] I fought him, but he got away.
Sam: Ah. [Looks downcast.] Oh well. [She collapses to the ground.]
Edward: Samantha! [Rushes over to her side.]
Sam: [Pushes him away.] I'm fine, I'm just exhausted.
[Edward looks downcast.]
Sam: Thank you for the consideration. [She smiles.]
[To SD-L.] Don't even think about setting us up - there is no way
I'm going to get stuck with someone that old! I _refuse_ to take
part
in that cliche!
[SD-L, bandaged in various places, raises a sign. "I never considered it,
I
swear!"]
Sam: Hmph. Just making sure you like remaining healthy.
[SD-L eeps.]
Edward: [Looking at the weapon Dan is carrying.] By now I should know
better than to ask, but where in god's name did you get that
thing
from?
Dan: [Shrugs.] I knew it was possible, but I didn't think it would go
this far.
Sam: [Confused.] What are you talking about?
Dan: Well, most fantasy tales have as a history some technologically
advanced civilization that gets destroyed. I don't know why it
keeps
happening, but it does.
[Both Samantha and Edward look at each other.]
Dan: I guess it's like Tokyo getting destroyed all the time, but it still
doesn't make sense.
[A sweatdrop falls down Samantha's and Edward's head.]
Dan: This time, all of that technology failed to be destroyed. There is
an
entire cache of weaponry underneath that mountain. It was a base of
some kind.
Samantha: [Confused.] Base? What's that?
Dan: Ah, sorry. Stronghold. Fortress. You get the idea.
Edward: [Nodding.] I see. Let's go see this stronghold.
Dan: [Grins.] I figured out how to get in when I got out. Follow me.
[The three walk to the cliff face, climb up the rope and enter the base.]