This is my two cents. C&C welcome while flames will be deleted.
Are you really looking for C&C here? I'm going to take it on
face value that you are, although I have my doubts. This
seems to be very much a deliberate, in-your-face assault
on those whom you believe to have slighted a character
you like. It sounds, from your author notes, like your intent
is not really to write a good story so much as it is to write
a story in which redresses these wrongs you perceive.
I'm offering C&C here for a couple of reasons. For one, I
am always dismayed to see a character slam, for reasons I've
explained in past postings (and can go over again, if you like).
The other reason is that I think a good story can be written
in which ANY given character is portrayed in a positive light,
while still being portrayed honestly and in a balanced fashion
(although you've got a long road ahead of you if you want to
do a nice fic about Fatora from El Hazard).
with a look of disbelieve on his face.
"Disbelief."
"You . . . you've defeated me. It couldn't have . . . it couldn't have
been you. I've fought you before, and I won . . . I couldn't have lost to
you . . . to a girl?!?!"
Ranma's disbelief at a loss is understandable, but that a girl would
defeat him is not a matter with which he is unfamiliar. Cologne is,
technically, female. Hinako also defeated him. In the anime, the
false Tendou sisters defeated him.
"But I did win," the girl said evenly while tossing back her long hair,
"and I tell you why. Ranma only master two Amazon techniques. After three
months special training with Hiba-chan, I now master 20 Amazon techniques.
Also, I know secret pressure points where Ranma don't. Outcome inevitable."
Now this is just plain silly, if I may be so bold. If you're trying to write
a fanfic in which you portray Shampoo's finer qualities, how can you
justify amplifying her power to such an absurd extent? You might as
well give her a Guyver armor or a Green Lantern ring. Shampoo of the
Ranma 1/2 series is undeniably a high-level fighter, but there is nothing
to indicate that she could suddenly learn fighting techniques at such
an absurdly accelerated pace.
This is a problem endemic to the character slam/idolization fic. The
authors tend to skew things so badly in favor or against the favor of
the characters they like or dislike that the story's credibility is shot
to hell.
"But . . . if there were other Amazon techniques, why didn't you managed to
master that from before?"
"Cause I coward." Shampoo admitted, much to the surprise of everyone
present. "Cause higher techniques very dangerous to train in, and Hiba-chan
no push me."
Again, this is a whole new personality trait for Shampoo. For someone
who's trying to enlighten readers about Shampoo's positive traits, you
do too much reinventing of the character. The argument that Cologne
never pushed Shampoo is very weak, in light of how Shampoo got her
curse.
"You Chinese Bitch! How could you do this to me?!" Ranma snapped. "I was
your friend! I had helped you in battle before-"
You are also reinventing Ranma. He has lost all sorts of battles in
the past, but he has never reacted to the losses in this way.
"And I you, foul-mouthed boy." Shampoo cut him off evenly. "If I recall
correctly, Ranma also try steal my potions (manga vol 8), try manipulate I
into loving Ranma when Ranma no even love me, just to satisfy stupid
Japanese male pride (manga vol 22)."
The footnotes in the text are bad form are very disruptive to the flow
of writing.
tournament at village. Shampoo had already fought against 100 girls to
reach the final match at tournament, and used last of strength to defeat
final opponent. It no fair match when outsider suddenly show up, AFTER
match over, to robe price from Shampoo. I am woman, and warrior same time.
"Rob."
"Just what said: I no want stupid, weak-blooded, penniless Jap boy with no
family background and connections as husband. I no longer love you."
Everybody gasped in disbelieve, while Cologne alone smiled approvingly at
her great-granddaughter as the girl continued:
"Disbelief."
The same Cologne here who has sought Ranma to increase the strength
of her clan's bloodline is now smiling approvingly at Shampoo's rejection?
That doesn't make sense. Shampoo, perhaps, can claim to have been
blinded by emotion up to this point, but Cologne knew what she was doing
the entire time. This dramatic shift of priorities for Cologne is unexplained
and unconvincing.
[If you believe that putting the boy through what he had put you through
before was going too far, then yes, you had gone too far.] Cologne
replied. [But either way, your honor has been regained by your victory.
We can finally go back to the village in triumph.] Smiling gently, she
added. [Don't worry about that boy: he brought this upon himself.]
And you're amending Amazon laws.
Sounds abrupt? Sorry. But this story's just a little POV upon the manga
that I had long since wanted to get out of my system. I can't stand the
maniacs out there who keep on bashing Shampoo for no good reason. Hope
you Shampoo fans out there like it!
Yet you do no service to the character by answering with a
maniacal retort. A fic like "Shampoo 1/2" does what you're attempting
with significantly greater success.
9) They read those EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN fanfics by Richard Lawson, Mike
Loader, John Biles, Two-flowers, Blade . . . and prefer their realities
over the actual R1/2 one.
But you don't make a case that "your" reality is any closer to the
"actual" Ranma 1/2 one. If you're trying to write a story which demonstrates
that a portrayal of Shampoo which is MORE accurate than those written
by the authors above would depict her in the kind of positive light you
are suggesting, then you should probably keep your story as close to
the original characterization as possible. If you want to write an elseworlds
in which Shampoo is a fighting goddess far superior to Ranma, then
that's a different matter. If you want to write a continuation in which
Shampoo's skill eclipses Ranma's, I would suggest you put more time
and effort into it.
8) They didn't know that Shampoo know pressure point techniques (which
Ranma don't), and can actually mind-control her opponents (Manga vol 7, 12
. . . and some others)
The extent and limitations of these techniques are not clearly spelled out.
One can infer from the things she does NOT do with the techniques that
they do, in fact, have rather severe limitations.
6) They hadn't seen how Ranma had manipulated her feelings at every turn,
even going so low as to steal her potions from the girl through use of
seduction, and how Shampoo has always SEVERLY OUTSMARTED him. (vol 8, 22)
Certainly, you're going to have a tough time convincing anybody that
Shampoo is an innocent of some sort and that Ranma wantonly manipulates
her feelings simply for his own gratification, as you appear to be implying.
Now, you do have a case that Shampoo is not as stupid as some people
portray her, in that she is clever enough to outsmart Ranma (sometimes,
not always). I would recommend focusing on that trait with a more
balanced attitude if you want to write another pro-Shampoo story in
the future.
4) They didn't realize how dominant Shampoo had been in her relationship
with Ranma
What?
3) They are girls who can't stand other girls possessing beauty, curves and
wits, and sought to destroy them in their own jealousy.
2) They are boys who can't stand to see girls possessing beauty, curves and
wits, and sought to destroy them in their own jealousy . . . <shiver> . . .
This is really uncalled for. This amounts to personal (if anonymous) attacks
on any writers who have crafted stories in which Shampoo is not portrayed
to your standards. To accuse people of being jealous of fictional anime/manga
characters is really far-fetched.
1) They think it's alright for Ranma to beat up Shampoo (so much for him
not hitting girls) and claim her prize AFTER the Amazon had won her village
maiden combat tournament. After all she is just a lowly, "uncivilized"
girl from an obscure village in China while he was this high O'mighty
Japanese hero who had decided that a formal education is too worthless for
someone of his greatness (perhaps he intend to make a living by continuing
to leech off each and every girl that comes his way for the rest of his
life?). Whose side would any Japanese Animation fan be on?
Takahashi-san included no obvious moral censure either way, from what
I could tell. The interpretation you give here is extremely slanted, and
deliberately ignores certain points (Ranma wasn't aware that the meal
was a prize - stupid of him, perhaps, but not mean-spirited; you assert
that Ranma "decided" to give up a formal education, when it's pretty
clear that this was his father's idea).
What you are attempting to write here is a persuasive fic - you wish to
persuade people that Shampoo is a better character than you believe
they perceive her to be. This is not, in and of itself, a bad motive. I
thought Leifker's "Borrowed Time" was a terrific example of a Shampoo-
friendly fic that forced the reader to re-think the character, if he/she
carried some bias against Shampoo into the reading. I don't know that
Nick set out to win converts, but he did an excellent job of crafting a
story in which Shampoo came off in a very positive light.
But you will gain no ground by countering what you perceive as
distorted and inaccurate biases with equally distorted and inaccurate
opinions of your own. All you get from that is a shouting match, at
best (most likely, you'll just get ignored).
My suggestion, if you want to pursue this concept for a story, is to
go back and take some time with it. Show us why Shampoo finally
changes her mind about Ranma, try to let us understand her feelings
and her motivation. You can portray Ranma as thoughtlessly stepping
on other people's feelings without taking such liberties with his character.
Show us how it happens, make us believe in Shampoo's feelings.
I'd suggest cutting back on Shampoo's excessively meteoric rise in
martial arts prowess - make her work for it, make her question herself
and find her strength. Don't idolize her, take her off the pedestal, let
her be human. I believe she'll be more rewarding for you to write
that way, and more compelling for us to read.
Good luck.
Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless