OK, before I get to the ever-so-delightful process of dissecting the 
Troll's BS, let me say, Miko, that this was one of the most promising 
next gen fics I've read.  Intriguing situations, sympathetic characters 
and lots of potential plot threads.  Looking forward to the rest.

And now to the fun part....

Chapter One:  Enter The Okonomiyaki Chef

You know, you're prose isn't all that bad. You're problem is that you 
persist with these dry and pointless ideas. This fic isn't about Ranma, 
it's only *within* Ranma--the Next Generation premise is not a valid 
genre of Ranma fanfiction. 

Hmmm... Writing advice from someone who can't tell the difference 
between "you're" and "your".  Gotta love it.

       He carried his books across campus.  A trio of older, larger
boys trailed him, hurling taunts and insults.

Man, that's cliche. None of my works will use this sort of cheap 

device.

'Scuse me?  What's so cliche about it?  The cliche is for the victim of 
the taunts to be rescued by the hero of the piece, not to beat up the 
thugs himself.

       "I want to surprise Maurice," the boy said, gripping his
spatula.  "I can't do that if he sees us pull up out front."

On a Self-Insertion scale of 1 to 4, this rates a 1.

Yes, we all know that you have a pathological reaction to anything 
resembling an SI, including any character with a gaijin name.

I really have to wonder how you'll react the first time you read the 
works of John Steinbeck, Ernest Hemingway or F. Scott Fitzgerald, all of 
which are rife with more or less blatant stand-ins for the authors in 
question.

       Well, that wasn't entirely true.  They'd met each other, 

several

times, but she'd barely noticed him.  He studied the picture on the
wall of his mother's office, wishing he could get to know her
better....

New characters, new love interests, new follies and new adventures--in 
other words, a work of original fiction set in the world of Ranma. 
Undeniably and utterly boring.

Actually, ASCT, there is a long tradition of writing tales set "in the 
world of" an established author.  Most notably, the huge body of fiction 
set in the Lovecraft mythos.  Of course, to date, you've never shown any 
awareness of any writing other than your own (which you seem to be, 
probably with justification, afraid to show to the rest of the list), so 
why should this little missive be any different?

       Okay, here=92s some info and some questions.

Please, don't do this. Inserting gratuitous notes like this is very 
amateurish. You should post your fic with nothing but your ability as a 
writer. Lay yourself out wholly without compromise, apology, or 
explanation. Have the moral strength to stand the final test on the 
merit of your work.

   Bold words from someone who has yet to post word one of his own 
fiction on the list.  Y'know, Troll, we all await the awesome spectacle 
you promised a bit back.

   And just because it's obvious you have yet to crack the spine of a 
real book, I think someone should inform you that including information 
about a story's genesis and development is actually very common in 
popular fiction, especially in the realm of "speculative 
fiction"--Stephen King and Douglas Adams both frequently include these 
little "biographies".

   I suppose, of course, that your narrow little mind might not 
understand that to the amateur writers that make up the bulk of this 
list's active members (as opposed to the lurkers), this sort of tale is 
even _more_ valuable than it would be in a work that was professionally 
published.

BTW, there are those who have posted the opinion that, so long as 
Tybalt/White Wolf do not ban the Troll, he has the right to post replies 
to fics laid before the public, just like any other list member.  This 
is true.  It is also true that, by putting his comments in an equally 
public forum, he leaves himself open to the same sort of analysis.

Always Man has consistently shown a failure to grasp even the most basic 
tenets of the writer's craft, and an even weaker understanding of the 
art of critique.  So long as his ego-stroking missives appear on the 
list, it is reasonable to reply to him in kind, at least until Tybalt 
figures out a reasonable response.  I've suggested one, but until it's 
been implemented (if ever), I see no reason to unilaterally disarm.

--Freemage

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