From: Stephen Tsai
Sent: Sunday, September 06, 1998 1:51 AM

[Writer's foreword:  This is the third episode of a
fan-fict series based on the characters in Kimagure
Orange Road.

This is not a kimagure fic with oranges in it.  It is not an orange fic
with... er, I guess that doesn't work here, does it?  :)

Fans, seated around, are watching the players on the
field while listening to the commentary on their radios.

Hmm.  Slightly awkward.  Suggest:  "The fans seated around them are
watching..." or simply.  "Fans are watching the players..."  We can figure
it out on our own that they're seated nearby.  :)

The only problem was my worrying about who was playing on
the field we were watching...

Again awkward.  Can be greatly simplified, I think, without losing anything.
"The only problem was who was playing..."

<crack!> and it's a line drive up the middl--diving

middle.  Unless you mean that the announcer interrupts himself, which I
think would be better stated as "...a line drive up the mid--diving..."
Spelling it out completely works better, I think.

Cashier:  Thank you, o-kyaku-sama*!
*Honored customer

Heh.  *If* you insist on Japanese usage - I have my own outspoken views on
that, of course - adding little explanations like this is very helpful.  I
like it.

[At the mention of his name, Kasuga turns around and sees
the man who addressed him.

Better, I think, to say, "...looks at the man..."

New man:  I never gave it.  It's a poor mind that can only
come up with one title to address a person...[Pauses as he
watches Kasuga frown.]...but for the sake of expediency, you
may address me as Tanaka-san.  [Turns to leave.]  I'm sure
we'll see each other again.

Ooh... I hate him already.  In appearance and behavior, he very much reminds
me of Yotsuya in MI.

Ayukawa:  [Takes the drink.]  You're acting foolish.

Kasuga:  I'm no one's fool.

Hmm.  Seems slightly out of character for Kasuga.  Can't explain exactly
why, so feel free to ignore me.  :)  Something along the lines of a too
self-assured and too cool of a comeback for Kyosuke.

There's the pitch... <crack!> and he sends it crashing
towards South Korea!  Hirata's going to need a visa
to catch this one!  It is...out of here, and there's
nothing left but a vapor trail!

Really?  Taken straight from "Major League".  I happen to like that movie
very much, myself.  :)  Nothing wrong with this, of course; I steal dialogue
from other sources *all* the time.  :)

Ayukawa:  Fine, leave.  You'll probably have more fun there
than here...

Is this a sentence she would trail off?  It would seem to me she would end
it emphatically.

Papers are strewn across Katsu's tatami* floor, as the four
students have long ago abandoned the small table, and are now
lying in a variety of semi-prone positions on cushions scattered
around the small room.

At first I thought it was the papers that were now in semi-prone positions.
I would remove the comma after "table" to clear this up.

Voiceover:  Satisfaction of watching your opponent going
up in smoke, priceless.

Voiceover:  Some things in life can't be bought.  For
everything else, there's MasterCard.

<Waggles hand>  Liked the McGwire commercial better.  :)

[People around them in the library stops what they're doing,
and starts staring at Kasuga.

People around them in the library stop what they're doing and start staring
at Kasuga.

Kimura-san...well...she sort of reminds me of another
friend I had in junior high.  I...I just don't want what
happened to her to happen again.

Well, good.  I've been waiting for Kyosuke to say something like this.
Experience *can* teach some people once in a while.  :)

When she looks up, she notices that all the people in the library
have stopped what they were doing, and are now looking at them.]

This is an almost-identical description to the one above.  On purpose?

Katsu:  [Deadpan whisper to Kasuga.]  *That's* telling her?!

Kasuga:  ...

Hurm.  I... don't like this.  Unoriginal.  The unwanted affection, Kyosuke's
wishy-washy response... by the end of the manga I was damned tired of it,
and the ending, painful though it was, was also a relief.  The last thing I
want is to see it resurface.

Hopefully you'll surprise me with where this is going.  Maybe she's not
infatuated with Kyosuke at all.  I fervently hope so.  ^_^

Ayukawa:  [Voice from memory.]  "Jealousy doesn't suit you
well..."  [To herself as she leaves.]  ...and it doesn't
suit me very well either...

Nice.  Liked this very much.

Kasuga:  [To himself.]  That must be Ayukawa.  [Outloud.]

Out loud.

[He goes to the door, flips the lock, and swings the door
open.  Almost whispered as his eyes go wide and his jaw
drops whenhe sees his visitor.]  Hi...Hi...Hikaru-chan?

<Richard boglegs>

Well, *this* I didn't see coming.  :)  Hikaru hasn't lost her sense of
timing.  Or if it's Akane, she hasn't lost her slightly cruel sense of
humor.  ^_^

Oh, and it's "when he".

Hikaru:  Darling!  [Hikaru bursts through the doorway and
tackle-hugs Kasuga.  He stumbles backwards, trips on his
futon, and falls back across it, as Hikaru ends up on top
of him.  She smiles down at him.] Darling!  I missed you
so much!

This has *got* to be Akane.  The anime Hikaru knows much better than to try
anything like this.  Heck, she's been hurt so much that she wouldn't, at
this point, voluntarily seek out Kyosuke.  Of course, Kyosuke wouldn't be up
to figuring this one out.  :)

[Hikaru's form shimmers slightly and vanishes, replaced
by another familiar form.]

Akane:  [Chuckling.]  Hi, cousin!  Long time no see!

I knew it.  :)

Stephen Tsai

Well, this is again a step up.  So far each new episode has gotten better
from a story-telling perspective.  I have some concerns about the fact that
you're simply recreating the exact same kind of conflicts that were present
in the manga, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now.  :)

Look forward to episode 4.

-Richard