Hello,
Well, I told Oneshot I'd do a little C&C on the "just won't die" series
a couple weeks back and I've finally gotten around to reading the first
one. I've also been trying to get a hold of Jeff but I've yet to receive
any responses to my email. Maybe the address I have is wrong. *shrug*
so this message serves a double purpose.
Jeff - reply to my email sometime, eh. ;) or if you never got them, just send
me a quick note so I can reply to the address.
And now the C&C so as to keep in topic for the list at large:
I did not attempt to log all the minor mistakes. One thing I noticed was that
there were a lot of comma's at ends of sentences when there should have
been periods. What I've listed here were some sentences I thought could
use a little work, or mispelled words that threw off a sentence.
"Hmph, how Shinji gets to use the vibrating one?
Shouldn't the 'how' be a 'why does' ?
Misato's voice echoed throughout the cockpit, "Asuka, be careful out
there,"
there."
He needed better vantage point. All these building were in the way.
He needed a better vantage...
His eyes widened as he caught sight of this weird red
robot leaning against a building. "Whoa,"
"Whoa!" ?
Misato's voce "Well, get him outta
there! Get him to safety!"
voice - The way you did that makes it seem like script instead of
prose. I dunno if you wanted it like that or not...
She resented the fact that the man on the roof was too
stupid of follow the simple task of taking refuge.
stupid of a fellow, or stupid a fellow.
Shinji shouted into his communicatot. He
couldn't believe he was doing something this rechless,
reckless
It had gotten free and it seemed to want
revenge on what Shinji had did.
I think 'for what' sounds better than 'on what' but that's me...
If that red robot stepped in the wrong place,
Ranma would get squished.
Or at least pushed really deep into the ground. ;)
Brushing of that devestating blow,
of should be off
But then again, he's been in worser
conditions before,
worse
I just happened have practiced
it until I perfected it, that's all,"
happened to have
"Home hopefully,"
"Home, hopefully."
"Um, I guess so. I hope I could find it," he said, "But, remember,
I'll only be there to help, not play genea pig,"
"Fine,"
should be periods instead of comma's at the end of those two sentences.
"Jeez, what the hell am I gettin' myself into? All I wanna do is goto
China to find that blasted nanban mirror so I can go back home, and here
go to, Nanban You know... I'd think Ranma would be looking forward to a
new challange. Something new and different to get even more powerful with.
It's not enough that he can survive a nuclear explosion at ground zero. ;)
They must succeed, not my how much they're at a disadvantage,"
no matter how much sounds better I think.
"Cursed?"
Ranma sighed. "Hold up. Time out. This is starting to sound like
another interrorgation again.
Not really. It sounds like she's curious. :) He just dropped a couple
of interesting tidbits about himself out of nowhere.
Misato burst out laughing. Oh god, that was just too funny.
Is she thinking that? It's not really clear.
Ranma plance a hand on his shoulder and almost immediately, an aura
formed around the two people.
placed
"I'm gonna punch ya in the gut," Ranma crouched low and cocked an arm
back, paused for a short moment for Shinji to realize what Ranma was
about to do, and then brough his fist forward and struck Shinji right in
the stomach in a perfectly executed uppercut.
brought
Man, I remember getting hit in the
back with a missle and I had been totally unexpecting it.
I don't think you need the 'it.' Or you could just say
"in the back with a missle that I wasn't expecting' something
like that.
Ranma shrugged his shoulders, this sligh mischievious grin on his lips
as he said, "Well, they why do I see so many take out stuff in yer
house?"
slight, then why, take out boxes
She was stopped at a red light, waiting for it to change, when she saw
someone Ranma as he crossed the street.
someone Ranma ?
Ranma, firguring he should really put Asuka in a situation like that,
said, "Class, forget that last one. She could stay.
figuring
"Shinji, can you please come here? I would like to to volunteer for a
demonstration."
you to
The entire class was staring at Shinji, a shocked expression onall of their
faces.
on all
Misato smiled, "We can recreate a lotta things. Even if it doesn't
work, it's best ogive it a try.
to give
"Well, I used to be cursed to immortality," Ranma said, "That's why I
look so you.
so young. ?
"But you don't really hafta worry about that. That happened a long logn time
ago.
long
I can't change the past at least, I've never tried. I wouldn't try
anyway because I would probably end up screwing everything up. Anyway,
I've learned to go on with my life,"
Dun! Dun! Dun! We call this foreshadowing. ;) btw ' my life." '
"Help out?" Maya asked, "How?"
"Well, I after these synchro testings, I'm supposed to teach Shinji
how to manipulate ki," Ranma said.
I don't think you need the I in the second line.
Oh, I know, use one of you strongest blasts.
your
Once when I was young,
another when showing my friend Ryoga, and a third when I tried to stop
this supercomputer from sefl-destructing,"
self-destructing.
"Some kinda super attack. Since my
Kashuu TenshinAmaguriken deals with speed, I guess it's best to develop
one that deal with shear power,"
Tenshin Amaguriken, sheer power.
Lukily for its occupants, almost everyone had resonded quick
enough to dive down toward the ground and take cover, not of the glass
hitting them.
none of the glass
Ranma was hurt.
Misato were by his bedside.
We are Misato. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be asimilated.
"Since I was in a
coma, like Misato here have told me, you would take advantage of me
because you know I would be unable to fight back and push you away,"
like Misato here, told me - would have taken
Shinji was the only one to change the subject. As he put the fake
"What happened? I remember seeing you hit that cylinder with that
The second sentence is unfinished.
The shear impact of him hitting the ground was so powerful that a small
crater.
sheer
When the blast subsided, Ranma was somewhat bruised, his clothes
singed. He looked around at what remained of the building and then
snickered.
"Ranma!!! Are you there?!?"
Wouldn't the headset have melted?
He and Ryoga and others were both standing on the top of the mountain
Ranma had almost blown up.
He, Ryouga, and the others...
"Well then, it's all your fault! If you were half the man you were,
you would've blocked that blast and not let the thing get destoryed!"
if you were half the man you say you are ? - destroyed
Ryoga wa sent flying backwards bodily, slamming into Unit-01's
chest, the force of the impact nearly knocking the EVA off its feet.
was
"I dunno. The only
way back that I know of was through the use of that mirror....which was
destoryed."
destroyed
It looked like several gray hairs was going to burst form
his scalp at any moment.
were going to
Both Ranma and Ryoga looked crestfallen, Ranma looking nowhere near to
that zestful person Misato and everyone else had gotten to know over the
short time he had been on this world.
Ranma looking nothing like the zestful person...
"What kinda excuse is that?" Ranma retorted, " If I recall correctly,
two Angels have attacked, and both of them attack this city. We will be
here to defend it if they do attack."
"If I recall - attacked
"You're kindding me, right?" Ryoga sounded dubious.
"I'm not kidding," Ranma persisted.
kidding
The pilots watched in absolute shock as they saw a ball of energy
erupte from Ranma's hands, rockting upwards and striking the Angel from
below. They heard Angel released a shriek of pain as it this red sphere
surrounding it flared bright red and then shattered like color stained
glass.
erupt - rocketing - as the red sphere
"I don't get it," Ranma asked, "I do ya want us back here?
I or why?
"What?! Ranma's here?! What the hels'l he doing here?!"
hell's
"Yep," Ranma said, matter-of-factly, "He has a bad sense of direction.
He said he wanted to goto the bathroom to wash his face, and, well, I
never saw him again."
go to
"I wasn't expecting to see him so, pooped out," she commented, "I
mean, I figure Shinji would be filled with energy, pun intended, and
life at the thought of learning something like that,"
see him so pooped out
"Um, er, sure, go right ahead." Misato said, "T-the shower is just
down the hall. There are extra showers on the towel rack."
An extra shower on the towel rack? Heh, they come in double, boxy,
white or almond. ;)
"I'm gonna goto sleep," Ranma responded, sitting down on the couch.
go to
She should had never had let Ranma sleep here.
She should never have
Ranma turned off the fire and brught the skillet with him to the
table. He then proceeded to eat right out of the skillet, nearly
devoruing the entire meal in a few bites.
brought - devouring
He headed for the balconey. He needed some fresh air.
balcony
"All right," Ryog said, "Let's go drop these books off. They
seem heavy, here, lettme hold them for you," He extended his hand.
let me
I mean, even if you did hit me, your car would end up in worser
condition than I would,"
worse
This boys was a lot bigger and tougher looking than any other boy she had ever
faced.
This boy
"I dont' trust him," Asuka commented.
don't
Ryoga thought for a moment before he spoke, "Um, who would you goto to
have this place fixed up?"
go to
Now, every time I get changed into my
cursed form, my originaly form would age back toward the age of when I
was first cursed.
original
That means that when I change back, I'm ten years older.
Pretty must up, huh?"
Pretty messed up, huh? ?
"Now, don't get me wrong, being a girl has it's perks, but it was
extremely frustrating.
its
Ranma sighed. Sometimes, he didn't like the way Rei andswered his questions.
answered
Misato laugheda bit, "Look, up until this point, Nerv has pretty much
tolerate and appreciated your help with their battle against the Angels.
tolerated
"Although I'd
never do something to someone who can't defend themselves, I'd really
like smack him around a few times one of these days."
like to smack him
Misato laughed again, "Well, anyway, he's the man to goto about
getting Rei's apartment fixed.
go to
Ranma ran up the side of the mountain, his legs aching from running
harder and faster than it ever had.
faster than they had ever before. ?
"Where else? Never Headquarters!!" Ranma quickly shouted, leaping high
into the air, just as a spear struck the ground where he had been a
second ago. "We've gotta take cover!"
Nerv - You've got an extra space between gotta and take.
Ryoga didn't have time act shocked.
time to act shocked
"Whoever you are, I ain't gonna letcha go near these children!" Ryoga
spat.
Ryoga has been talking like Ranma a lot lately. His speech patterns were
never quite as rough as Ranma's...
If it were for Ranma and Ryoga's knowledge of
treating wounds, she would have probably have died from bleeding.
were should be wasn't - would probably have died
Rei looked at the ground for a moment before she spoke, "I'm not the
Rei you know."
not the Rei you knew."
Thinking in locical terms, it must be an extremely
taxing feat since Ranma had time working against him because the
explosion would have been growing at an expoential rate.
logical - exponential
"That nanban mirror in your possessing." Ritsuko said, "That seems to
be a rather powerful object to have in your possession.
Nanban - possesion - You repeated yourself with the variations of
'in your possesion' though.
Overall thoughts. I liked the story a lot although I have to say that, while
Ranma's interactions with Asuke were funny, he seemed a bit childish at times.
I was also left wondering why Ranma and Ryoga appeared in the middle of the
EVA fight near the end. One minute they are searching for the Nanban mirror
and the next, they appear in the battle. I wouldn't think they would be wishing
to see Asuka again when they've been longing for home this whole time. It just
seemed a bit contrived, I guess.
Keep up the good work!
Warren
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My webpage, ever under construction:
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Another flavor the scientists say they haven't yet been able to
concoct synthetically is that of roasted meat.
The best weapon against the ridiculous is ridicule. Always will be.