At 12:56 PM 9/4/98 -0400, pakman wrote:

I'm writing this in response to a message I sent about a little to many
Ranma 1/2 Fanfics out there.
The replies I got were mostly either write one myself or "I'll write
this if you do something Non-Mainstream)
So here for your reading pleasure:

A PAKMAN Fanfiction Galleria Production.

TEASER TEASER TEASER TEASER.


Based upon Characters Created and owned by Mercades Lackey and Kotakowa
Shoten Productions(Japan)

A Record of Lodoss War/Heralds of Valdemar XOVER

	Right.  First of all, I want to thank you for taking writing into your own
hands.  More fanfiction, especially non-Ranma fanfiction is hard to find.
I also wanted to tell you that Mercades Lackey has some guidelines for
fanfiction, and I do not know if she is as laid back as the anime companies
if you do not follow them.  She asks that Kris was found wandering in the
forest a few days after he Talia gets back from Hardon.  This legally
seperates the world you work in from hers.  She also does not want her
characters used extensively.  They can be seen, and overheard and such, but
she does not want them to be main parts of the story.  She would also like
to be sent a wavier request so she can authorize your writing as lega.  You
can do as you will with this information, I'm going to continue the C&C as
if she had the same attitude as the anime and manga companies.

AFTER THE STORM

(it has been one year since the Mage Storms have devastated most of the
world and in a small corner of the Companions Field a Gate formerly
unheard of screams open)

	I don't mind your starting the story in media res (in the middle of the
action). However, I think that you cannot assume the reader has knowledge
of Velgreth, espeically all of the latest books dealing with it.  (Although
"Owlflight" and "Owlsight" probably won't impact the story.)  This lack of
knowledge does mean that you ought to describe the setting.  This can be
done from the view of a Lodoss character seeing it for the first time, a
secondary description from a character used to it, or recollections of an
established character.

As the Gate closes we see that there are three people lying unconcious
near the remains of the Gate.
Gwena, Companion of Herald Elspeth , happened to be in companions field
grazing at the time and sensed the disturbance of a Gate.She Mindcalled
Elspeth and then went at a Gallop to see what or who created the
disturbance. Gwena Found the three in  a small glade laying on the
ground unconciuos and mindcalled Elspeth to bring a healer as well. Just
Then she felt one of them begin to stir. It was the Female of the three
and she appeared to be a normal, albiet extremely beautiful human with
the exception of her ears which stretched out around six inches from her
head and came to a distinct Point.

	Ah!  Show, show, show.  This could be a great hook, espcially for those
not familiar with the hearlds.  This is an important scene, and so should
get more than this little description of what happened.  For Gods' sakes,
if I didn't know what a Gate was, I would wonder why the horse was making
such a fuss about someone not climbing the fence but using the gate.
	The paragraph really ought to be two, right abound Deedlit stirring.  If
this is suppose to be from Gwena's point of view, then she would be
instantly warry.  They have had several wars and the Empire has tried
magical assasination before.  She would be suspicious, and call for
reinforcements, not just Elspeth.  Also, she knows about change-children
all too well.  An elf would appear to be one at first glance.  Given her
experiences, she would suspect Deedlit right away.  This also is an
opportunity to give back story on the Velgreth characters in the form of
rememerances.

"Where are we." She said as if expecting one of the others to be awake.

it's a question, give it a question mark.

Gwena mindsent to Elspeth " One of our visitors is awake and seems to
not know were she is."
"I'm on my way with Healer Janus . we just passed into the field and
should be there in a few moments" Elspeth sent.
Suddenly Gwena heard a new mindvoice as crisp as Elspeth had been"
Hello. Who are you."
Gwena turned her head and stared at the female as she heard the question
again.
Elspeth arrived just then to see an almost funny site her companion
staring at a female form sitting on the ground with a look of dumbstruck
shock on her face. "What's wrong with you. You look like you've just
been poleaxed." Elspeth sent to Gwena.
"She is an incredibly powerful mindspeaker." Gwena replied mentally.
"You two talk as if I wasn't here." The female said

Elspeth would take more pleasure in Gwena's surprise.  Remember the
Tayledras forest?  She still feels Gwena can be too smug and self assured
as to her knowledge.  Also, wouldn't Elspeth feel how powerful Deedlit was?

"Sorry miss but we haven't had that much luck gating recently and here
you just drop onto our doorstep and turn out to be a powerful
mindspeaker as well." Elspeth said.

	This is very out of character.  While polite, I don't think I've ever read
Elspeth say miss.  Also, she has not found what they are doint Gating into
Companion's Field.  While they are not immediate hostiles, she has delt
with Falcon's Bane and Nyara, and would not suddenly engadge in
conversation as such.  Perhaps something like:

:: indicate telepathy

	:Hello, who are you?:  Elspeth could feel the strenght of the girl's
sending push against her shields.  It was not an attack, but rather the
lack of control of a newly awakened talent.  If this was any indication of
the girl's petential, a trained attack would have ripped through her
shields instantly.

	:How did you get here?: Elspeth asked.  Since the last mage-storm and
their effort to prevent it from culminating in a cataclysm, Gating had
become increadably difficult.  Valdemar's herald mages had been busy
recreating the ley lines of magical energy their struggles erased to band
together and create a gate as the Easter Empire mages did.  Still, if they
did not take care of the ley-lines and nodes, and unscrupules mage could
prevent others from tapping into them when they did form.

The Janus took the time to examine the other two visitors while Gwena
and Elspeth talked with the woman
The one was in some kind of shock and he had a gash on his head where he
had hit the ground upon passing out.Janus healed his head wound and
seeing as there was no other injuries he checked the third.
"Elspeth," he said, "This one is a mage and he is in severe shock we
have to get him in a bed quickly or were going to lose him."

	How would Janus know if he was a mage?  Also, he is a healer, why doesn't
he start treating him immediately and ask Elspeth for energy?  You also
give up a prime opportunity to describe the Lodoss characters for those who
are not familiar with them.

Janus lifted him up and set him on Gwena's back and climbed up to run
him to the Healer's Collegium.

	Misty usually inserts a comment about a companion being able to trot and
ballance a baby on its back around here.  You may want to say something
similar, both to emulate her style and to help explain companions

Just Then the third regained Conciousness. The Female went over to him
and propped him up. "Parn, I don't know where we are but its clear from
the company we have we are no where on Lodoss."the female said.

	Descriptions!  More!  Now!  Otherwise the characters are just talking names.

"Not on Lodoss!!? Deed have you any idea how we got off Lodoss." Parn
said.
Elspeth butted in at this point," I don't know where this Lodoss is but
you are in the Companions field at Haven the Capitol of Valdemar  We
have taken your friend to the Healers Collegium to get assistance he was
severely drained. Did he create the Gate that brought you here?"

	Once again, I doubt Elspeth would reveal that they were in Valdemar right
off the bat. She would probably try to get them taken care of medically,
and bring Talia in.  She would then be able to gaugue their hostility.
Still, I have to agreee Elspeth would try to get information while they are
disoriented.  Gramatically, you also have to start a new paragraph
everytime someone new speaks.  It also will improve your writeablity greatly.

"Hold on Slayn is injured ? We must go to him." Parn climbed to his feet
slowly.

	Well, the start looks interesting.  I'm wondering what the overall plot
will be, but that can come later.  I look forward to seeing more of your
writing.

 

                              ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._
      Bastet's Chosen          `6_ 6  )   `-.  (     ).`-.__.`)
   matthew.lewis@Yale.edu      (_Y_.)'  ._   )  `._ `. ``-..-'
                             _..`--'_..-_/  /--'_.' ,'
                           (il).-''  (li).'  ((!.-'

Beware of organizations that proclaim their devotion to the light without
embracing, bowing to the dark; for when they idealize half the world they
must devalue the rest.
                           -Miriam Simos