At 07:03 PM 2/09/98 PDT, Always Man wrote:

MY DYING WISH
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji
all characters are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan &c
No infringement is intended

Death fics can be powerful, but only if they're done well. Having sex 
with Ranma as her dying wish is...audacious, but it really doesn't tug 
the heart strings.

The only greater symbolism of life than sex is birth/rebirth. That's just
the symbolism of choosing life over death, the reason it tugged at heart
strings(and your rather childish 'My opinion must be stated as fact' aside,
it did, because I've seen several people affected by it this and last time,
including myself) was that it's very appropriate to Ukyou. Even when she's
about to die, the only thing she wants, the only thing that keeps her going
for that bit longer is the thought of Ranma loving her.

Nabiki, Kasumi and Kodachi got left out, and where the hell was Ryouga? 
You can't scrimp with a fic like this or else it'll just be weak.

So? To tell the truth, I think the revise was starting to get a little
bloated as is. Most Ranma episodes don't involve the entire cast(Ukyou's
a good example of this, she's kept out of a lot of the action in the manga
stories), and a story can suffer more than be added to by a 'Star Trek NG/DSN/
Voyager' philosophy(ie, every cast member appears in almsot every show, no 
matter how useless they are for that particular plot, even if it's only for a 
quick drink in the lounge/bar). Keep it simple, stupid. That sort of thing, no? 

Ultimately, that is precisely what's wrong with the piece--it's weak. 
The premise is good, but there is so, so much more and better ways to 
handle it than how you did.

Oh? And how? Which better ways are there? How should the fic be improved?
Which scenes need to be strengthened? People post their stories to this list
to receive _constructive_ comments - its raac they send it to if they just
want a general commentery. You don't have to say 'this word here needs
to be changed', but if you're every going to do more than this rather immature
posturing C&C, you need to get more specific: 'The switch to her death bed
was too sudden, try adding a transition scene or two, perhaps Ranma discovering
her in the bathroom, unable to move' or 'I think if you had a scene between
her and Genma, perhaps before the wedding, it might add to the emotional
impact'. There, was that too hard? 

BTW, Uk, still a great story but I do think it's in danger of getting too
bloated. The monk scene, for example, seems to go on too long, and doesn't
seem to add that much to the original - meandering can be dangerous in a
story when you're trying to affect the heart. The father scene was a good 
addition although I think she should think/express some regret that things 
hadn't been different, while she's on her death bed, that he wasn't there or
something. Otherwise, like I said of the original, good story.

************  
Mark Doherty  -  mdoherty@uq.net.au
My spam/fanfics are at - 
http://www.tass.org/~mdoherty/index.html

Everything I learned, I learned from fanfics No. 8:
Love triangle getting you down? One word: threesome.