Okay.  One first-pass C&C coming up.  I missed this one earlier and heard a
lot about it (both good and bad) so I thought I'd see what's up.  

At 10:23 PM 8/31/98 PDT, Philip Hacker wrote:

I hope that this will be the last or second-to-last draft of this 
chapter. I need to get to work on Chapter 2 ^_^

I've known *that* feeling on occasion.  ^_^

Question: What if the Tendous were related to the Shimerus?

Just a little gripe: You may want to get rid of this question here.  You
don't want to give EVERYTHING away so soon, after all... ^_^

Akane-chan Change

written by Phil Hacker

Chapter I: An Unlikely Match

Okay...

"Still," commented Kasumi, "A Shimeru girl marrying an outsider boy...
Are you sure about this, Father? After all, whenever anyone from our
tribe gets tense or excited, we change gender."

Hmmm... Just an idea: Trail off that last sentence, without putting the 'we
change gender' in there.  THEY all know it; there really isn't a need for
Kasumi to state it.  Also, for those who don't know about FKC, it will come
as a surprise.

"Is his family rich, or important or something?" asked Nabiki. If their
father wanted one of them to marry an outsider, there had to be
*something* to gain from it.

Heh.  Nice way of putting it.

"Put me down!" a girl's voice shouted. "I can walk on my own just fine!
*You're* the one who's injured!"

"We have visitors!" Kasumi exclaimed.

"It must be them!" Straining to contain the tension lest she change,
Nabiki stood up and rushed to the door.

"Saotome, my friend! We've been waiting!" Soun rushed after her.

A few seconds later they came running back. Nabiki had finally lost it,
and was now male.

If you wait until here to reveal the family secret, you get both the
surprise factor, and you get a good chance to describe the 'new' Nabiki in
more detail.  From what I've seen so far, you might want to put in such a
description.

Barely able to contain his excitement, Soun embraced the new arrival.
After releasing her, he quickly ran out of the room. A loud, feminine
whoop was heard from the hall.

Might want to put in a little more description of Soun's reaction, first in
the facial expressions as he realizes that something's been done, then
continuing with the beginnings of the change as he realizes what's been done.

The other two soon noticed that they

were being watch, and quickly broke off.

"... were being watched, ..." Wrong tense.

"You only win when I let you," insisted Akane. "Besides, Ranma's
waaaaay better than you." She giggled. Sure, her cousin wasn't all that
good, but his ego needed to be taken down a notch or two once in a
while.

Um... shouldn't it be 'her cousin wasn't all that BAD'?

BTW, one problem with the bathtub scene: You might want to describe the
change, or at the very least how Akane-kun looks.  Descriptions are sparse
here in a work that needs them.

Futaba was wondering how exactly Ranma was able to change genders
while calm like that. Even he had to think exciting thoughts for nearly 
a
full minute before he could change.

Sukebe.  ^_^

Genma leaned close to the Guide and whispered something into his ear.

"Oh? Yes. Many people come Jusenkyou, ask for that spring in
particular. Still, as official Jusenkyou Guide, I required to warn you. 
Is
Mr. Customer absolutely certain?"

Oh, that's COLD...

Obediently, Ranma bent forward to gaze into the spring's waters.
Instead of his normal reflection, however, he saw a pretty, redheaded
girl about his own age. "Who's that?" he asked.

"That's you, my boy. Or at least it will be when you come out." Before
his words had time to sink in, Genma grabbed Ranma and tossed him
into the spring.

Considering Ranma was bent forward, a gentle nudge would do the trick.
After all, for him to bend forward enough to see his reflection would mean
he was deliberately off-balance.

"Well...it sorta slipped my mind, I guess."

"Would somebody mind telling me what the *hell* is going on here?!"
Ranma-chan demanded.

"Well, you see," Futaba began, "Everyone in our family, actually,
everyone in our 'tribe', since there are technically nearly twenty 
families
with over a thousand of us, has a genetic trait unique to us. Whenever
any of us gets tense or excited, we change genders. It seems your father
thought that, if you could change sexes as well, you could marry into
the family."

I think it would have been best to wait until here to do any explaining of
the genetic quirk.  Anything before spoils the fun they just had.  ^_^

"Cut it out!" Futaba and Nabiki each grabbed one of Ranma-chan's
legs, while Akane and Kasumi each grabbed one of her feet to keep her

>from kicking. With great effort, and some help from Soun, they

managed to pin Ranma-chan to the ground.

If you grabbed her legs and feet, that still leaves the arms.

"Well, you have to admit," Kasumi said, "Ranma *did* grow up
expecting to be male all the time. This must really be a shock for him"

Forgot the period at the end.  

"Um, you're not just trying to match me up with her for your own
benefit, are you?"

"Would I do that?" Nabiki smiled her best "trust me" smile.

Yes, she would.  ^_^

"Nah, I'll let him suffer. Death's not good enough for him," she said as
she left the room. She needed another bath to wash the iced tea out of
her hair.

Um... isn't the saying 'Death's too good for him'?

"Why, you...! Akane-kun reached back and tried to slap Ranma-chan
across the face. However, she was faster than he was, and his hand
ended up denting the tiled wall instead.

"AAAAAUUUUUGHHHH!" Akane-kun screamed, partly from anger,
but mostly from the pain in his hand.

Lovely twist to the scene.

Author's note: Yes, we will be seeing Futana and Misaki later. The FKC
characters are two years older than in the FKC series, so all of their
canon adventures have already occurred.

Cool.  Futana's reaction to Ranma should be... interesting, to say the least.

Okay, the rundown: 

Style: I think you need a LOT more description here, if for no other reason
than to appease anyone unfamiliar with FKC.  Pronouns are a nice tool, but
they can only take the reader so far.  After all, everyone has two forms
now, and most of those forms are unfamiliar to us.  It's difficult to
imagine a male Akane or (shudder) a male Kasumi.

Characterization looks right on target for this.  Futaba's still sorta
bland, Akane is still angry, Kasumi is still the peacemaker, etc.  Ranma is
even more upset than normal, but for very good reason.  

I wonder how Ranma'd look in a wedding kimono... ^_-

Plot: Truth to tell, the news of the fan clubs does not make me jump for
joy.  I think it might be best if you started to drift away from a Ranma
1/2 manga retelling and go on to your own path.  I will reserve judgement
until those scenes come out, though.  

Overall: A beautifully funny work.  I've always wanted to see a mix of
these two series; this one was done with a lot of humor.  Good job.

Phil

prohackr@hotmail.com

-- Nick
http://www.thekeep.org/~nightelf/fanfic/index.html