[Camera swings into the Mental Library(tm), where our intrepid review
team is staring slack-jawed at the TV. Tommy is wearing a raincoat and
sitting in an inflatable raft with LilTigre, even though the place is
completely dry. LilTigre pauses to wave happily at the camera before
turning around to watch Momiji sacrifice herself for humanity....]

Tommy: 3, 2, 1-

Cerina: WAAAAH!!!!

[The young dragon halfbreed begins sobbing like mad, gushing out tears
that would put Tendou Soun or Tsukino Usagi to shame. The tears begin
to fill up the room, until the raft is raised an inch off the floor.
Tommy looks at Cerina; she doesn't look like she's gonna be stopping
soon.]

Tommy: Oooh, kuso.... where's the remote? [grabs it as it floats by on
top of a bowl of popcorn] Aha! Now-

[The TV switches off of BlueSeed and onto a fanfic.]

Cerina: ...WAAAAHHHH- nani yo? What'd ya do that for? That's my
favorite part! [notices she's sitting up to her waist in tears] ..Oh.

LilTigre: [grabbing a megaphone from the 'lake'] Roll it!

Second round!  

Tommy: And Foreman dodges a left while yanking up his Depends....
 

Any other
self-insertion characters belong to their authors.  "It's three in

the morning, do you

know where your writing characters are?"

VOICE: Yeah, they're throwing a party while I'm tryin' to sleep!

Cerina: Hey! Just cuz Kei and Yuri ended up killing our old TV....

                         CLUB ANIPIKE
- - - - 
Part 3:
- - - - 

     "LEKKA. . . SHIEEN!"

Cerina: 'Jupiter Oak Evolution!'

Tommy: 'Intense...Strange words.... Shouting!'

LilTigre: [looks confused]

     Flames shot out the windows of Club Anipike as a black-haired

girl in a red

sailor fuku tumbled out the front door.
     She slid to a halt, her red pumps somehow withstanding the

pressure of

skidding on the gravel and dirt.

Tommy: I never understood how she could fight and run in those things
without the heels tearing off.

Cerina: Well, *this* is certainly an exciting beginning.

     "Oh, is that all you've got?" she growled, "Well, eat this! 

FIRE. . . STORM!!" 

A blast of fire shot from her fingers back into the converted

warehouse.

All: [bored voice] Ow.

     A figure stepped into the doorway.  His long, blue coat blew

back in a sudden

breeze, as did his orange hair.

Cerina: This sentence just doesn't do it for me; the 'orange hair' bit
is just kinda tacked on for the ride. A suggestion: 'A sudden gust of
wind blew back his long, blue coat and tousled his orange hair.'

     "Is that all _you've_ got?" he smirked.  With a flick of his

wrist, he spread an

iron fan.  "I'll show you who's got the better fire!"
     "Hey, Tasuki!" came a yell from inside, "Don't let the girl put

out your pilot

light!"

Girls: [snicker]

     "Shaddap, Monster-chan!"

Tommy: Who??

LilTigre: It's his monster friend!... I think.

     Back inside, Nuriko leaned back in his chair and let Minako

pour him another

drink.  "Tamahome, aren't you going to give Tasuki a hand?"

Cerina: Aah, Fushigi Yuugi. [pause] Never seen it.

LilTigre: Where's Chichiri no da?

     "Me?  Nah.  Ol' Hammer can handle himself." the other Seishi

said, running a

hand through his own shock of blue hair.  "Besides, I helped him

last time he

picked on a North American dub."

Tommy: Good for ya'll.

[Cerina whispers something to him; he gulps and looks around nervously.]

     "Um, that's not the North American Raye." pointed out Minako,

"That's _our_

Rei."
     Tamahome sat stock-still for a second, then his "ogre"

character blazed on his

forehead as he shot out of his seat.  "Tasuki, hold it!  She's one

of ours!" he called,

running outside.

Tommy: So each continent's characters stick up for each other, huh?
Interesting, considering the somewhat japanese group mentality....

Cerina: [drooling] Hot damn, the man is cute!

LilTigre: As cute as Kusanagi-kun, oneechan?

Cerina: Are you crazy? Of course not! 

     "LEKKA. . . ."
     "Oh _no_!"
     "SHIIIIIEEEN!"
     *WHOOSH!*
     "AIEE!  You baka, you fried me!"
     "Oh sorry, Tama.  Were you standing there?"

All: [laugh]

     "Oh, you. . . come here."
     Nuriko grinned and looked at the girls gathered around him as

the sounds of

violence outside grew louder.  "They're silly, but I think they

really do like each

other.  Now, who wants to go out with me on Monday evening, hmm?"     

LilTigre: [confused] I thought Tamahome-san loved Miaka-san.

Tommy: This is what the author thinks they would act like if they
played their characters like actors do in movies.

LilTigre: Oh, OK!

     In another corner, Tora, who was a demon that looked like an

overgrown tiger,

was busy scoffing down a pile of hamburgers.  People had yet to

write any fanfics

about him, but his series of "Ushio & Tora" had yet to finish.  All

the work made

him hungry, though.

LilTigre: Cousin Tora-san!

Cerina: [sweatdrops] You're related to him?

     Reaching down to unwrap another burger, Tora vaguely heard

something

squawk.  Lifting his paw up, he saw that Chibi-chibi was hanging

onto one toe.

     "Now, what are you doing here, Chibi?" he asked.
     "Chibi-chibi."

All: Awww.....

Cerina: Ok, so we think she's cute. Bite me.

     Tora eyed the reddish-haired annoyance for a second, then

quickly glanced

around the room.  Seeing that no one was watching, he opened his

jaws, flicked his

paw, and swallowed.

Tommy: [busts out laughing]

[In a very OOC moment, LilTigre picks up a table and breaks it over
his head. Cerina just stares at her in shock.]

LilTigre: [looking innocent] What is it, oneesan?

Cerina: N- nothing....

     Elsewhere in the club, one of the self-insertion characters

created by countless

fanfic authors seated himself at the bar.  "Barkeep, give me drink."

he announced.

Cerina: Author, learn use grammar.

Tommy: [groan]

     From an opening in the floor behind the bar, Jotarou Joestar of

"JoJo's Bizarre

Adventure" poked his head up.  "Hey, godboy.  It's one thing to be

wise and

all-knowing in your fanfics, but don't rip off good lines from

Spider Robinson

stories.  That's just low." 

All: Chris-san?!??

Cerina: I hope you asked for permission first....

He heaved himself up and closed the trap door, picking
up his cap from the bartop and cramming it over his head.  The heavy

chain

dangling from his collar clinked loudly.  "Now, having said that,

what can I get

you?"

Tommy: [still dazed] The guy thinks he's a dog....

     Stunned, the fanboy blinked a couple of times."Ummm, whatever you
recommend will be fine."

Cerina: I *really* hope you asked permission....

     "Excellent decision."  Without either of them moving a muscle,

a stone beer

bottle and glass appeared in between them, complete with a cocktail

napkin and a

dish of peanuts.
     Just over Jotarou's head, his Star Platinum stand ghosted back

into invisibility

after doing its task.  

Tommy: Huh?

     "ACK!  What was. . .?"
     Jotarou leaned his forearm on the bar, causing the wood to

creak in protest. 

"What's the matter?  Wrong brand?"
     "NO!" he nearly shouted, wide-eyed.  "Uh, nothing's wrong,

thanks!  I. . . I. . .

thanks for the beer!"  Tossing some change on the bar, he picked up

his drink and

scurried off into the crowd again.

Cerina: I REALLY, *REALLY* hope you asked permission before doing
this. Some authors would consider this kind of portrayal very
insulting; then again, some others might think it was funny.

     From behind Jotarou came a small laugh.  "It's bad for business

when you do

that, JoJo.  Fanboys have money and it's hard to get them to spend

it on anything

else besides anime tapes and Internet connection fees.  You know

that, though."

VOICE: [raspberry]

Cerina: I really wish the author would quit that.

     He didn't turn around.  "I'm not sorry, Misato-san. 

Self-insertion characters

somehow seem more annoying in person than in their fanfics.  Well,

most of them."

     "Oh, have you found one that you can actually stand?  Guy or

girl?"

Tommy: Hmmm....

     Jotarou tugged on the brim of his cap again.  "Sorry.  Akane

and C-ko need my

help in the kitchen."  With a swirl of his coat, he brushed by her

and pushed

through the double doors.

Cerina: People *pay* to eat their food?

Tommy: [whispers something to Cerina]

Cerina: Nevermind.

     Misato grinned and poured herself a drink of her own.  In

between the "Neon

Genesis Evangelion" movie and a few fanfics, she had managed to

raise the

anime-only club into a profitable business.  It gave the characters

somewhere to

spend their money from fanfic work and a chance to mingle with those

of their

own profession.

Tommy: Y'know, talk shop, etc.

[LilTigre settles down in Cerina's lap and falls asleep.]

     Speaking of fanfics. . . .  Misato realized that it was Friday

night.  Soon she

would have to get out the projector and begin that week's showing. 

Hopefully,

someone had either recently finished or found a new target for the

crowd.

     Every week, some of the characters would bring in some of the

torture that

fanfic authors had submitted them to.  The Sailor Moon bunches in

particular, both

from Japan and North America, seemed to have a never-ending supply

of bad

fanfics they had been forced to appear in.  But the crowd would all

sit in front of

the theatre stage and offer their "opinions" on the work.

Tommy: That would REALLY be interesting. How do characters feel about
what the authors put them through?

Cerina: Well, I for one could really do some damage if my author put
me in a bad fanfic...

VOICE: [gulp]

 Most of it was outright

heckling, which Misato encouraged.  What she didn't encourage was ki

blasts,

fighting, or humour that was a tad too perverted.  People who

flouted these rules

were jumped by whoever was nearby.  Usually everyone played fair and

a good

time was had by all, despite the pain of bad fanfiction.

Cerina: Pain is right.

Tommy: BTW, when's the next MST of 'American kitsune' out?

Cerina: [stares at him] Are you a closet S/M freak?

     Spying Sailor Mars coming back in, she wandered over.
     "Rei, are you girls providing the fanfic for tonight?" she

asked quietly.

     Mars looked blank for a second, then nodded.  "They're short,

so we brought

two.  I think the North American dubs brought one as well."
     "Wonderful.  Triple feature tonight, then.  That should please

some people."

     "Mostly fanboys, I'll bet." 

Tommy: Is it just me, or does this author not care much for 'fanboys'
or self-inserts?

     Misato grinned.  "True.  Would you mind?"
     "Of course.  And I'll tell Tasuki and Tamahome to come in, as

well."

     Going back to her bar, Misato jumped up onto the top, giving

Tuxedo Chris a

scare and knocking him back off his bar stool.  "All right,

everyone!  It's time!  Get

your seats ready!"
     "What's showing tonight?" called a voice which sounded like

Captain Justi

Taylor's.
     "Two or three Sailor Moon fanfics!  Short ones, so the pain

only comes in small

doses."  A small cheer went up.  "Lights off in five minutes!"

Cerina: [drugged voice] Fanfic time! Excellent, dude!

     As everyone jockeyed for position in front of the big screen

being lowered from

the stage, Usagi's voice was heard.  "Hey, has anyone seen

Chibi-chibi?"

     Over in the corner, Tora pounded his chest and coughed a couple

of times.  An

orange hairball, part of which looked suspiciously like a red/orange

wig, bounced

among the used hamburger wrappers.

[Tommy begins to laugh, but a glance from a not-quite-asleep LilTigre
makes him stifle it.]

- - - -
Part 4:
- - - - 
     The place was busy.  Akane and C-ko had to draft Miaka's help

in the kitchen

just to handle the demand for meals.  The Seiryuu Seishi had brought

their

instruments with them and Club Anipike was rocking on its

foundations to the

sound of the "Seiryuu Counterattack."  Many people were on the dance

floor and

Jotarou and "Evangelion"'s Rei danced as they served behind the bar.

Tommy: Groovy. But somehow Rei and a dog-guy just don't quite fit...
author's discretion, I guess. [shrugs]

     Rei spun gracefully and tossed a pitcher down to Kusanagi of

"BlueSeed" at the

other end of the bar. 

[Cerina leaps up in excitement and waves at the screen frantically,
dropping LilTigre into the lake of tears the process. Unfortunately,
LilTigre can't swim.]

Cerina: Kusanagi-kun! Ai shiteru!! Wo ai- oops.

[Tommy, who just fished the tiger cub out of the water, is looking
really pissed. LilTigre starts bawling.]

Tommy: Bravo, Cerina. Look what you've done now! I'm gonna go dry her
off; you can finish the review by yourself.

[Cerina starts to speak, but he stalks off, wading through the water
to the bathroom.]

Cerina: Damn.

Her short blue hair was damp as she had recently gotten off
fanfic duty, surviving yet another pounding at the hands of

author-directed Angels. 

The smell of burnt wiring and liquid oxygen of the Evas still hung

around her, but

it was fading.

Cerina: Wouldn't that be the smaell of LCL?

     Over by the group of beanbag chairs, Haruka, Michiru, and

Makoto were

sharing a basket of fried chicken as they relaxed from the most

recent chapter of

"College Life."

Cerina: Finger Lickin' Good! [pauses] This isn't much fun without them.

     Haruka rubbed her hands briskly over the heater that she had

borrowed from

Misato.  "Will I ever get this cold out of my bones?" she asked,

teeth still

chattering.
     Makoto laughed, something she hadn't done in a while. 

"Haruka-san, it's April

out there!  It's _warm_ today!"
     "That's very well for you to say." Haruka grumbled, "_You_ got

to spend the

whole story indoors over a warm stove.  Some of us were expected to

frolic in the

snow.  You know, build *snow*men, have *snow*ball fights, kick

*snow* out of

trees."

Cerina: Kick snow out of trees? That doesn't make much sense to me....

     Michiru smiled mischievously.  "Some of us also remembered to

wear gloves

and warmer coats half the time." she reminded her partner.
     Both she and Makoto laughed at Haruka's irritated look.

Cerina: [snicker]

     "I really have to thank you two for talking Greenbeans into

adding me for that

episode." Makoto said, pulling a french fry out of the basket. 

"That was so much

fun working with those people!  It's too bad they can't join us in

here."

     Just then, Misato happened by and overheard her.  "Oh, your

friend is welcome

here.  She's a self-insertion character, right?  I let people like

Pat Lee and

Samantha Jones in, so someone like this Beans person is more than

welcome."

Cerina: Hmmm... if they're treated like Godboy-san, I doubt they'll
stay, unless these are authors you like more. This kind of partiality
towards people is worse than going out and saying 'I hate this
author.' Sure, say you like these characters, but don't down other
SI's. [pause] Unless it's Oscar or that kitsune freak. [shiver]

     Michiru smiled again.  "She and the author started out as one,

but they have

gone their own ways.  Beans the characters is independent of

Greenbeans the

author."

VOICE: That sounds like three someone's I know...

Cerina: Bite me.

[An arc of electricity zaps her in the butt.]

Cerina: Oww! I didn't mean that literally!

     Misato paused to mull that over.  "Really?  So, how about we

have an Authors'

Night?_Good_ authors, mind you.  I don't want Oscar setting foot

over my

threshold.  Artemis required months of counselling.  As for Luna and

Felicia. . . ." 

She shuddered.

Cerina: Hmm, intersting, but look back up at my previous comments on
this subject.

     "He's dead, Misa-san." Makoto pointed out.  "For all intents

and purposes,

Oscar is dead.  I have the date circled on my calendar."
     "Oh, right.  Well, Haruka. . . Michiru, feel free to bring your

friend Beans in

any time."  Misato continued her rounds, making sure her customers

were happy.

     Makoto snuggled deeper into her beanbag and sighed in

contentment.  "Ah, a

good cameo with a pleasant author and good friends.  And pretty

decent pay, too. 

What more could someone want?"

Cerina: At the moment, I'd be happy to kiss my brother's and
'sister's' feet. [sigh]

     Then Haruka nudged Michiru.  "Hey, you know what would be fun?  I
remember Beans bringing it up earlier in the fic today.  She

mentioned playing it as

a kind of joke.  And I told her. . ."  She leaned over and whispered

something into

her partner's ear.
     Michiru stifled a giggle.  "How did they react?"
     Haruka grinned wickedly.  "How do you think?  I got *the look*.

 So, I know

Misato's got one here somewhere.  Shall we see about borrowing it?"

Cerina: Uh oh. Another question comes up; is Beans *your* character?
Shameless promotion of anyone is okay, but I think you're pushing it a
bit far...

     "Of course.  I'll go and change into something more suitable. 

Mako-chan, if

you will excuse us. . . ?"
     Makoto smiled.  Beans had filled her in on the joke earlier. 

She'd give a lot to

be a fly on the wall when the two Outer Senshi started playing

Twister.  Maybe

they'd let some of the others join in later.

Cerina: Oooh boy.

     At the same time out in the parking lot, Kunou Tatewaki was

changing the tire

on Washu's pickup truck.  His drinking buddy, Sasuke, was holding

the jack steady

while Kunou rapped on the rusty bolts with his bokken.

Cerina: kunou has a brain after all...

     The pink haired genius grinned.  "Thanks for the help, guys. 

I'm not really a

scientist, you know.  I just play one in my anime."
     "It's no problem, Washu." Kunou grunted, "Off, you fiend of

iron and oxides,

off!!"

Cerina: I could really like this Kunou.

     "Yep," she continued, "That's the last time I race Kasumi

off-road.  I still don't

think the steering is working right, either."
     "Well, if it continues, you should take it down to Malachite's

Auto Shop." said

Kunou, knocking the last nut off and tossing his bokken down.  "He

did some

rather nice work on my car recently."

Cerina: [fakey voice] I'm Mal A. Chite and I'll fix that car for $49.99!

VOICE: No one's gonna get that, you know.

     With Sasuke's help, (and some grease borrowed from one of the

Dominion

Tank Police tanks), Kunou quickly wrestled the spare on and fastened

it tightly. 

Standing up, he brushed his hands off on his sweater.

 Then he grinned, picked up

his bokken, and struck a pose.
     "As good as new, thanks to the Blue Thunder of. . ." *CRUNCH!*

Cerina: O_o

     Kunou Tatewaki vanished beneath the foot of a large red

Evangelion

mechanoid.
     Washu winced.  "Misato should really have made a separate

parking lot for

mechs." she murmured.  Then she reached behind her driver's seat and

produced a

megaphone.  "HEY, AZUKA!" she bellowed, "You're standing on Kunou

again!"

Cerina: That's 'Asuka.'

     The Eva looked down, then its controller seemed to understand

and it lifted a

foot to reveal a pancaked Blue Thunder of Anime Fanfiction.
     Unsheathing a dagger from its leg holster, Azuka's Eva slipped

the flat of the

blade beneath its foot and peeled Kunou off, depositing him

carefully on the

ground.

Cerina: OK, who ordered the flat kendoist special?

     Lying on the gravel, Kunou groggily lifted his head.  "That. .

. didn't. . . hurt."

*THUD!*
     From high above, a red-haired girl in a skin-tight bodysuit

leapt out of the Eva

and slid down the side to the ground.  "Kunou-chan!  Are you all

right?"

     "Am I all right?  Hah!  My dear Azuka, you know it will take

more than that to

damage me, the Blue. . . " *CRUNCH!*
     Another Eva, this one purple, had stepped over the Anime

Turnpike and joined

its comrade.

Cerina: Kunou's still unlucky, I see...

     "Oh dear." Azuka sighed.  "I forgot about Shinji.  SHINJI!! 

Get off my

Kunou-chan!"
     From beneath the Eva came a deep sigh.  "Azuka-chan, if you

could yell

perhaps a little quieter?  I believe both my eardrums are still

functioning, though

the rest of me is flattened."
     Ignoring him, Azuka reared back and kicked the Eva's ankle. 

"Shinji!  Move

that scrap heap you call an Eva!"

Cerina: [as Shinji] Oh, Asuka! You've wounded me!

     Slowly, the mech moved off to park beside Rei's Eva.  Thus

Kunou Tatewaki

was revealed at the center of a rather large footprint, looked more

than a little

dazed.

Cerina: That should be read, "...footprint, looking more that a little
dazed."

     "Kunou-chan!  Speak to me!" Azuka cried, lifting him up by the

shoulders and

hugging him.
     Kunou's eyes uncrossed briefly.  "I've been stomped on, peeled

off, stepped on

again. . . and she wants me to chitchat?"

Cerina: Aww, how sweet.... not. [sighs] Dammit, I'm lonely.

     Shinji appeared beside them, still in his piloting outfit.  "Is

he all right?"

     "I'm fine, thank you, little pig-tailed girl." the Blue Thunder

answered, staring

off into space.    
     The two Eva pilots looked at each other.  "We'd better take him

inside."

     Picking him up, they each put an arm over their shoulders and

helped Kunou

into the bar.
     Washu looked over at Sasuke, who shrugged, then she reached

into the cab of

her pickup and took out a stack of paper.  "We should go in, too. 

Misato wanted

me to find her the fanfic for tonight.  Of course, since I am the

greatest fanfic

reviewer in the universe. . . " She laughed and tucked the stack

beneath one arm,

then walked in the doorway.  "Afternoon, everybody!"
     "WASHU!"

- - - 

Cerina: And so ends the fic. The concept is very interesting; I really
enjoyed the first two chapters, even if it *did* have a little too
much promotion of this 'Beans' person. This wasn't quite up there, but
still fairly good. I'd like it if you'd take my suggestions about the
self-insert thing to heart and to remember to always ask before using
another's SI character. And, of course, I wouldn't mind a little more
Kusanagi exposure either [winks]. Now, to see where the others are...

[She paddles over to the bathroom door, which has a note on it.

   Cerina:
     Taking LilTigre out for a while. Don't wait up.
                                   Tommy.]

Cerina: [sniffling a bit] Double damn.

[The camera sloshes away from the room and fades out.]

*~*

Well, my first C&C/MST type review since... geez, several months. I
*really* didn't expect Cerina to dump LilTigre in the water, but then,
these guys write their own reviews. I'm just the conduit that allows
ya'll to view it. Hopefully, they'll be on speaking terms for my next
review.

Jess, the LilTigre
==
This message has been a presentation of:
        *~* Tora-chan Productions, Ltd. *~*
-Proudly presenting BlueSeed fanfiction since 1997!-

 =^_^= "Ai shiteru, Kusanagi-chan! Wo ai ni!" =^_^=

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