At 01:40 AM 8/28/98 -0700, Austin Jamie Wilde wrote:

With Sakura and Nabiki* on my lap, I shall heed thy plea for assistance.
As always, you can take my advice and chuck it out a window, I'll get
over it.

*(Note: Sakura and Nabiki being the family cats, and slaves for
attention in a most un-catlike way.)

Maybe it's their names.... :)

Please.  Chuck _your_ advice out the window?  I may not like the way RotRM
is turned around like that, but I respect a writer's PoV.

Ah, good. As pointed out in my previous C&C, Japanese is nice, but does
little good if the reader doesn't know what it means. While this might
not be the most elegant solution, it works well enough.

Well, I only consider Japanese only when it has a dual meaning or something
like that.

Miko was a little bit slow, due to the fact that she put both Kazuya
and her shoes away first before stepping in.  "Mother, school was
fine.  In fact, I was able to enter the school band!"

Aroo? Put Kazuya away? 'splain please. And axe the 'first' in that
sentence because the use of the word 'before' indicates to the reader
that she does the action (putting away her shoes and Kazuya) first.

(plop) Get me out! Get me out!!!

That should be Kazuya's

If I had any doubt that these were the children of Ranma and Akane, they
were just dispelled. Many on this mailing list will point out that
Akane's cooking improves by the end of the manga, enough so as to cease
to be a point of conflict. We can only hope that she has improved even
more after a decade-and-change has passed.

Probably.  They could also be teasing her.  (I might change that next draft.)

"Mom's cooking tonight again."

Is this a surprise? 

If I modified this, probably not.  If I didn't, then yes.  (Then again, I
did say 'again'...)

"Yes, for the day.  This is my last class.  It looks like the kids
don't appreciate your cooking much."  Ranma had a wry little smile
on his face.

Ranma's speech has improved. You'd think he was a productive, cultured,
and polite member of society now.

He isn't???  He runs a dojo. :-?  Well...  (And he is an adult, you know.
The kids are in high school.)

Marriage has certainly mellowed him out. Hope I'm not like that after
long... (What was that, dear? No, you were hearing things. Go back to
sleep. :p ) 

Oh great.  You haven't been married more than a year and you think about
things like this? :)

(And I'm not even old enough to get married...)

                                * * * * *

After dinner, the Saotome father and son went out to the yard.  A
wooden target was already placed.  Akane, Grandpa Soun and Miko
silently watched them.

If this is a wooden post in the ground, the western term for it is
'pell' (dunno what the Japanese call it.)

It's not just a stick.  It's a wooden sign (Genma left tons of those after
he died. :)

"Sorry, no excuses, son.  I want you to continue practicing until you
get it right, along with all the other exercises."  Ranma held his
ground.

Damn... Ranma grew up to be a taskmaster.

(cough) That's 'sadistic taskmaster' to you. :)

Naw, Ranma just wants his son in perfect shape. :)

Puh-lease... Soun may be a wailer, but this was grossly unnecessary. It
was even painful. About the only purpose I could find in this bit was
the intimation that Genma was dead.

And that's nothing to cry about?  (Hmmm... maybe that _is_ nothing to cry
about... then again, it's been quite a long time since Genma was dead
(backstory))

"Breakfast?  It's nice of you to prepare this, but why?  You don't
like my cooking?"  Akane yawned as she came down the stairs.

What, sixteen years of this and she hasn't figured it out?

Yeah.  Kept mixing up the labels. :)  (just joking)

And when did I mention anything about sixteen years?

And really, how much further do you plan to take this "Akane's cooking
sucks" shtick? It's starting to wear thin on me. I'm just thankful that
she hasn't started in with the mallet yet.

It's the only way to make Akane Akane and not just some mother down the
street.  Okay.  That didn't come out right :(

I'll tone it down so that Ranma and the kids just tease her about past
cooking experiences...

initiated the attack, striking a dozen times at Kazuya's body, all
of which missed.  Kazuya then counterattacked, striking Miko a dozen
times.  

Did he connect?

Good question.  Miko is almost at her brother's level.  (He probably did,
but it probably didn't hurt her that much; Kazuya didn't hit her _that_
hard, this is just sparring.)

Kazuya narrowly avoided it.  It struck the dojo wall instead.  Were
it several years earlier, the wall would have crumbled... but instead,
it disappeared, thanks to the dissipative metal that Aunt Nabiki gave
Kazuya for his thirteenth birthday to cover the dojo with.  

Well thank the dark gods for that! <cringe> 'Dissipative metal'? Rich
Aunt Nabiki? Whatever. 

Would you rather then a "married" Aunt Nabiki?  With all the dates *she*
gets into?

I just didn't want any holes in the dojo (and I wanted that MTRising move
to be demonstrated badly.)

If you believe Nabiki can't grow up to be a rich woman, at least tell me why.

It was the
first time Kazuya performed the Moko Takabisha, and Nabiki just said,
"It's better than having to repair the dojo all the time."

While I can't argue with Nabs' logic, the method strikes me as odd. Ki
blasts routinely knock large holes in brick walls, and yet a little
sheet metal stops it?

Who said it was sheet metal?  It's multilayered and has cooling systems in
place :)  (Yes, I was joking.  It's pretty much the same question as "how
do Ranma characters get their hammers?")

"Oh no you don't."  The first son of the Saotome family glanced up at
the voice.  It was Saotome Ranma, their dad.  "You two are too big to
be taking baths together.  And tsk, tsk, Kazuya-kun, being beaten by
your own sister."

<snicker> Kayuza displaying Mackie Stingray-like tendencies. Dear me...
The scary part is that Miko-chan doesn't automatically decline his
offer.

Ranma's dialogue still seems a bit too mature for him, even grown up and
the father of two.

Geez... You're comparing Ranma's son to Hiroshi and Daisuke now...

Like I said, Ranma can grow up.  (Plus Genma's dead :) and Nodoka's with
him...)

"Hey!  She caught me by surprise!"  Whined Kazuya.

lowercase 'w' in 'whined'

The question is... why?  Is capital after quotes only used with a period?

Kazuya was too slow to avoid the kick Ranma sent his way, and he went
down.  Ranma winked at him.  "I have my ways.  Now let's go take a
bath, father and son."

After the intimations of the last bath offer, I find this to be just a
wee bit disturbing...

First of all, I'm *not* that kind of person.

Second of all, where do you get your ideas in the first place?

In the bath, Ranma splashed himself with cold water, and scrubbed
himself with soap.  "Good work, son.  You've got the basics down pat,
but you need to work on endurance."

Okay... Ranma is not only polite, mature, and Ward Cleaveresque, he's
also cured? Joo got some 'splaining to do Mister Ng...

Me doo the 'splaining when me done my "backstory" story. :)

"You know, son, you're not the strongest guy in the world.  You're far
from it.  And to be able to win them, you have to learn to take hits."

'beat them,' whoever 'them' is.

"the people out there." I'll change that.

For the first time in years, Miko and Kazuya walked seperately to
school.  Miko was actively participating in several clubs at Fuurinkan,
and went out early to practice.  Kazuya attended several clubs as well,
but since he doesn't have as many talents as Miko, he couldn't attend
as many.  

Since when does talent preclude attendence?

??? I said "talents".  Kazuya sucks at music.  He writes like Ranma.  He's
able to do most sports because of martial arts, but sports aren't the only
clubs at Fuurinkan.

Miko left right after her bath, and Kazuya enjoyed the
relative silence, actually.  Not that his sister wasn't fun to be with;
quite the opposite, actually, with her bouncy bluish-black hair in a
ponytail and her generally bouncy attitude, 

And given that questionable offer of a shared bath, that's not the only
bouncy thing he likes about his sister... <O_o>

(Dang) I knew I should have made the absolute maximum cutoff age with
opposite-gendered shared baths to be about 7. :)  It does imply they've
done it before, however... :)

Blame "Ichibunnoni" for that.

It was Hibiki Kenichi, Ryouga's son.  Both Kazuya and Kenichi were
in their school uniforms.  Kenichi had thoughtfully decorated himself
with a yellow and black banadana, which matched the one on his guiding
pig, P-chan.  The black pig was about the size of a dog, and it was
tied to Kenichi by a metal chain.

Aroo? Is this Ryouga? Or did he get a cure, as well?

1) Would Ryouga-P-Chan be this big?
2) It's a guiding pig for goodness sakes.  Do _you_ think it would be a
cursed Ryouga? :)
3) The size isn't even right!  (The black pig was about the size of a dog...)
4) I should change the name.  How does "Ryoshiki" sound?  (I pulled that
off the top of my head and have absolutely no idea what it means)

"I miss summer."  Kazuya said as they walked.

comma after 'summer'

Too used to periods, and never enough commas...

The person in question was currently wearing a school uniform with
a bandoleer of mini-spatulas and a bokken by his side.  He was
currently talking to some of his colleagues.

<snigger> Ukyo and Tatewaki...? Oh boy... Where is Zen when you need
him? Talk about catching each other on the rebound...

It's the "surprise" thing I throw in a fic (I don't think this has *ever*
been done, at least to my knowledge)

Zen, please don't kill me... :)  (I don't think he's noticed this fic
yet... good :)

"She can't refuse a handsome looking guy like me.  Good advice,
Kazuya.  I'll be seeing you in class."  Kunou Hoshio flashed a
confident smile, then attended to his other classmates.

Well, he must not have inheirited the ego gene from his old man.

?  He did say "She can't refuse a handsome-looking guy like me."  That's
not egotistical?

Kenichi grabbed Kazuya and slammed him against the school wall.  He
held enough of his strength, though, so the wall didn't rupture.

Aroo? Whyfore did pig-boy's son slam Kayuza against wall?

Partly because he was angry, and partly because he wanted Kazuya's sister.

Miko ran ahead, resisting the urge to scream and blast them both.  She
bumped into her brother and Kyoko, who were staring at each other
deeply, about to share a kiss.

"Imouto, them bothering you again?  Alright, you can come with us."
An irate older brother said.

Awfully forgiving of him...

Ha ha.  He'll get more chances anyway, and it's his younger sister.
(There's also the fact that he knows how troublesome Kenichi and Hoshio can
be...)

Kenichi jumped up.  "Yatta!  Thanks, Miko-chan."  And he kissed her on
the cheek, then bounced away to his house.

The kid's got more guts than his old man to kiss her like that.

Ya got that right!  (Who's his mother?)

"How's daddy's little girl?"  Ranma wore the smile he usually did when

<gag> Oh Ranma, what's become of you...? (I may be a sap when it comes
to my own little girl, but I've always been a sap that way. This is
Ranma we're talking about!)

Ranma can't be sappy when he wants to?

Oh... and how long have you been married?  (I was under the impression it
was under a year... I remember the announcement, and I've been on the list
less than a year.)

Maybe Miko should just go straight to her mom.

He let out a small, controlled laugh, and laughed, and laughed, but
with extreme will he controlled it.

ummm. yeah.

I hated that part, but I couldn't convey his extreme excitement plus the
sense of impending danger other than that way.

Yes.  This concentrates more on the kids than the parents.  And yes,
Ranma will die at some point.  It has to, to serve as catalyst for the
coming situations.

Well that's darn rude. Giving it away like that I mean. No suspense. Not
to mention going to all the trouble of reforming Ranma just to kill him
off.

I have a tendency to do that.  (Giving away things, not killing Ranma off :) )

I'm also going to write an interlude to this.  *That* will concentrate
more on the history of what's between now and the end of the manga
series.

Oh good. I was wondering what had transpired to create this future.

You're awfully pessimistic of how much Ranma can grow up... (you wrote
RotRM's Ranma in... granted you did have backup on how Ranma changed, but
that's what my backstory interlude is for :)

Thanks a lot for the commentary.

BTW what the heck does "Aroo" mean?



----------------------
Jonathan Ng
jonathan@worldy.com
alternate address: jonathan_ng@my-dejanews.com
Organizing Editor of Ficsation magazine

     "It feels like ten kilos of life in a five-kilo box."  His voice
gained in strength and lightened in tone.  "I can only feel a trickle now,
like dust motes floating in a sunbeam, one by one, just moving through me,
but it's just so right there's no describing it.  It tickles a bit, feels
like a first kiss or the jolt you feel when the flux in sabacc just makes
your hand better than what you were already betting." - Two Jedi trainees
discussing the Force

	-Excerpt from I, Jedi, P.96, (c) Michael Stackpole